For the past couple of months I've been working as a care assistant in a residential home for the elderly. I do night shifts which will fit in with my college courses in a couple of weeks. It's been an experience like no other, certainly beyond what I thought it might be. I've been a chef for my entire career so going onto nights at a care home has been a complete departute from anything I've ever done before.
Last night one of the residents passed away. He'd been in hospital for a few days and this morning at around 5am we got the call. I was really fond of this particular resident because he was a lovely old man. I got him up a few times, shaved him, washed him and dressed him. I checked on him in the night to make sure he was ok and I emptied his catherter bag and made sure he was comfortable. To be an effective carer you need to be there for the residents needs, need to care for them while also being able to distance yourself. It takes a very special person to be able to do that, believe me! I'm finding it really hard to process the fact that he's passed away even though he was in his late eighties. I've never been good with death though, never been good at dealing with it. My own mortality doesn't scare me really, it's the mortality of others that effects me. Last year, an old school friend died. Well, two old school friends died! I cried for days over their deaths even though I hadn't seen either of them for years! If I struggle to process death, struggle to deal with it, am I in the right job?!
I guess it shows I care, that I'm so cut up about an old man who I barely knew. I guess from that respect I am in the right job. The fact that I was there in his final weeks and days, the fact that I offered him a friendly ear and a gentle voice can only be a positive thing, a really nice thing. I think that in the future, when I move on to my planned teaching career, I will see this period in my life as a truly positive thing. I will look back and see that I helped these people in their final chapters, that I was there for them and that I made them as comfortable as possible. Now isn't that something to be proud about!
Friday, 30 August 2013
Thursday, 22 August 2013
Being A Student For Dummies
When I was at school I didn't do very well. I left in 1998 with my highest GCSE grade of a D! There can be little excuse for this but if I had to give some kind of explanation for why I did so poorly then I'd lay the blame at the door of my Gender Dysphoria. That may seem the easy option and maybe it is. It can become so easy to blame ones failings in life on G.D. and that's something I hate doing because where do you stop? At what point do you accept that you failed because you simply weren't good enough? I know I wasn't good enough to get a C grade at GCSE level but it's no coincidence that when I was doing my exams I was also taking my gender exploration to another level. It was the summer of '98, during my study leave, that I dressed up in women's clothes for the first time. This just blew my mind off into places it'd never been before. Yes, I wasn't good enough at school but the fact that my mind was so consumed by other things, well it certainly didn't help matters!
So, I left school without a C grade at GCSE level which essentially left me with going the apprenticeship route. I tried 8 months at Painting and Decorating before I fell into the Catering industry. 14 years on and I suddenly decide that I want to better myself, improve my life and future. My G.D. is cured so why not, what's holding me back? I want to be a Primary School Teacher and because I didn't do well first time around I need to redo my Maths, English and Science GCSE's. Today I enrolled for the English and Science courses (awaiting on my screening results for my maths course) which meant a trip to my local college. Chesterfield College is huge with 2 or 3 different campus sites dotted around Chesterfield. I went there when I was doing my Painting and Decorating and it's not really changed much in 15 years! It really took me back, being there. On my way there I drove past the spot where I had my first kiss. It was with a girl called Sarah and just seeing that spot, I was transported back to the summer of '99! It's funny that, how certain places can trigger your memory into recalling something you'd all but forgotten about.
I start my courses on the 10th September and I'm really looking forward to getting stuck into it. Doing these GCSE's are more than just about a future career though. It's about giving me a new target to aim for, a new project to concentrate on. Following surgery, one of the biggest battles I faced was the normality of reality. When you transition it dominates your life. When you get to a stage where surgery becomes a viable option, the thought of the surgery dominates your every thinking. It becomes the only thing on your horizon and when you reach it, when you get past it there's nothing else. It leaves a huge void and realising that, realising you have nothing else to aim for, that you've accomplished your dream, well it's not an easy thing to come to terms with. I guess that's one of the reasons I've decided in a career change. I need that new target, that new thing to accomplish. That's what doing these GCSE's are all about, giving me a reason to continue, a reason to look forward!
 |
| The south Annex of Chesterfield College |
So, I left school without a C grade at GCSE level which essentially left me with going the apprenticeship route. I tried 8 months at Painting and Decorating before I fell into the Catering industry. 14 years on and I suddenly decide that I want to better myself, improve my life and future. My G.D. is cured so why not, what's holding me back? I want to be a Primary School Teacher and because I didn't do well first time around I need to redo my Maths, English and Science GCSE's. Today I enrolled for the English and Science courses (awaiting on my screening results for my maths course) which meant a trip to my local college. Chesterfield College is huge with 2 or 3 different campus sites dotted around Chesterfield. I went there when I was doing my Painting and Decorating and it's not really changed much in 15 years! It really took me back, being there. On my way there I drove past the spot where I had my first kiss. It was with a girl called Sarah and just seeing that spot, I was transported back to the summer of '99! It's funny that, how certain places can trigger your memory into recalling something you'd all but forgotten about. I start my courses on the 10th September and I'm really looking forward to getting stuck into it. Doing these GCSE's are more than just about a future career though. It's about giving me a new target to aim for, a new project to concentrate on. Following surgery, one of the biggest battles I faced was the normality of reality. When you transition it dominates your life. When you get to a stage where surgery becomes a viable option, the thought of the surgery dominates your every thinking. It becomes the only thing on your horizon and when you reach it, when you get past it there's nothing else. It leaves a huge void and realising that, realising you have nothing else to aim for, that you've accomplished your dream, well it's not an easy thing to come to terms with. I guess that's one of the reasons I've decided in a career change. I need that new target, that new thing to accomplish. That's what doing these GCSE's are all about, giving me a reason to continue, a reason to look forward!
Thursday, 15 August 2013
I'm Back, For Now!
This is a post I've been holding off. After my last 'Goodbye' post I felt that I'd be cheating if I decided to post again, like I'd be going back on what I'd decided to do in ending this blog. Looking back though, there's a reason I entitled that last post like I did. I did intend not to post on this blog again, that's true. By entitling it 'Goodbye, For Now' I inserted a kind of failsafe. If I ever felt the need to blog again then I could. I guess I never locked the door, merely closed it for a while.
So why am I back when I seemed so determined to end this blog? The time seemed so right, didn't it? I'd seemingly transitioned, everything was going so well in my life, wasn't it? Well it still is, so don't worry about that. One of the reasons I posted on this blog for over five years was that it gave me an outlet. I'm a pretty solitary person in that I don't mind my own company. I don't have many friends, certainly no one I can call a best friend. I'm not depressed by that, it doesn't bother me really. The thing is that by having no 'best friends' I don't really have anyone to talk to. That's where this blog comes in. Over the course of five years and three months this blog was the one constant in my life. It was the one thing that remained unchanged. In a period of my life where everyone I knew changed how they perceived me, where I changed myself, where my whole life changed, this blog didn't and during the two months I stayed away from it, I missed that!
So, what's been happening in this past two months. Well, quite a bit as it happens. In my working life I've started doing nights at a care home as a care assistant. It's something I've never done before and in that respect I'm enjoying it. I don't mind the night work so much, I've always been a bit of a night owl anyway. It's a job at the end of the day and I'm just happy that I'm not in a kitchen anymore. I certainly do not regret my decision to 'retire' from catering. It's been nearly five months since I last cooked professionally and I don't miss it, not really. I only just realised last week that I will actually be able to look forward to Christmas for a change! That will definitely be a novelty!
In terms of my future career, well that's starting to take shape. I had my GCSE screening exams a couple of months ago. I need to redo my Maths, Science and English GCSE's if I want to be a teacher. In order to be accepted onto the courses they need to make sure that you're capable of getting at least a C grade. I passed my Science and English tests so I need to enrol next week. I failed my Maths one though so I need to retake that tomorrow. If I fail it again then I'll have to wait another year before I get another chance. Essentially if I fail, it could put my future career plans back an entire year! I'm not particularly confident considering my terrible grasp on numbers but I'll see how I do. If I pass then it'll be great. If I fail then it won't be so great but I'll pick myself up and work out a plan B.
In terms of my transition, well where do I start! I've been on HRT for three years now and one of my main concerns pre-op was my cleavage. I'd gotten to a small A cup around two years ago and I'd stayed there, with very little or no growth. When I had my last appointment at the GIC in June, he mentioned that he may be able to refer me to a breast surgeon for BA. a couple of weeks later and he referred me to a Mr Caddy in Sheffield. I now have an appointment to see him next month. The thing is that since the op, well since he referred me for BA, I've had a boost and gone up a cup size to B. When I had my bloods taken recently, my Oestrogen was low, around 365 when it should be between 400 and 600 so I've had my HRT increased to 3mg twice a day. So, if I had a boost when my Oestrogen was low, what can I expect now it's been increased? I'm beginning to feel a bit of a fraud going for BA when I might not need it! Of course, an explanation as to my boost in boobs could be that since the op I've put on around a stone in weight. I'm now in the process of losing that weight so I'm scared that if I don't go for BA then I loose weight, that my boobs will shrink again. It's a quandary alright, all be it a nice one to have. If anyone has any advice on this subject, please let me know. I need all the help I can get!
Something else that's taken shape over the past two months is my book. I've written 45,000 words so far which puts me about half way. I've attempted to write my book so many times before but I've rarely gotten past the first 2,000 words. I'm determined to finish it now with a view to publish it next year. Basically it's about my journey from that cliff top in November 2008 to My Bellringers table earlier this year. I'm really enjoying writing it actually! I think everyone has a story to tell but rarely get a chance to tell it. This is my chance. It has the working title of 'The End of the Rainbow' which will probably be it's final title, unless anything else comes to mind. We'll see!
Anyway, I'm back, I'm not closing the door anytime soon and you know what, it feels right!
So why am I back when I seemed so determined to end this blog? The time seemed so right, didn't it? I'd seemingly transitioned, everything was going so well in my life, wasn't it? Well it still is, so don't worry about that. One of the reasons I posted on this blog for over five years was that it gave me an outlet. I'm a pretty solitary person in that I don't mind my own company. I don't have many friends, certainly no one I can call a best friend. I'm not depressed by that, it doesn't bother me really. The thing is that by having no 'best friends' I don't really have anyone to talk to. That's where this blog comes in. Over the course of five years and three months this blog was the one constant in my life. It was the one thing that remained unchanged. In a period of my life where everyone I knew changed how they perceived me, where I changed myself, where my whole life changed, this blog didn't and during the two months I stayed away from it, I missed that!
So, what's been happening in this past two months. Well, quite a bit as it happens. In my working life I've started doing nights at a care home as a care assistant. It's something I've never done before and in that respect I'm enjoying it. I don't mind the night work so much, I've always been a bit of a night owl anyway. It's a job at the end of the day and I'm just happy that I'm not in a kitchen anymore. I certainly do not regret my decision to 'retire' from catering. It's been nearly five months since I last cooked professionally and I don't miss it, not really. I only just realised last week that I will actually be able to look forward to Christmas for a change! That will definitely be a novelty!
In terms of my future career, well that's starting to take shape. I had my GCSE screening exams a couple of months ago. I need to redo my Maths, Science and English GCSE's if I want to be a teacher. In order to be accepted onto the courses they need to make sure that you're capable of getting at least a C grade. I passed my Science and English tests so I need to enrol next week. I failed my Maths one though so I need to retake that tomorrow. If I fail it again then I'll have to wait another year before I get another chance. Essentially if I fail, it could put my future career plans back an entire year! I'm not particularly confident considering my terrible grasp on numbers but I'll see how I do. If I pass then it'll be great. If I fail then it won't be so great but I'll pick myself up and work out a plan B.
In terms of my transition, well where do I start! I've been on HRT for three years now and one of my main concerns pre-op was my cleavage. I'd gotten to a small A cup around two years ago and I'd stayed there, with very little or no growth. When I had my last appointment at the GIC in June, he mentioned that he may be able to refer me to a breast surgeon for BA. a couple of weeks later and he referred me to a Mr Caddy in Sheffield. I now have an appointment to see him next month. The thing is that since the op, well since he referred me for BA, I've had a boost and gone up a cup size to B. When I had my bloods taken recently, my Oestrogen was low, around 365 when it should be between 400 and 600 so I've had my HRT increased to 3mg twice a day. So, if I had a boost when my Oestrogen was low, what can I expect now it's been increased? I'm beginning to feel a bit of a fraud going for BA when I might not need it! Of course, an explanation as to my boost in boobs could be that since the op I've put on around a stone in weight. I'm now in the process of losing that weight so I'm scared that if I don't go for BA then I loose weight, that my boobs will shrink again. It's a quandary alright, all be it a nice one to have. If anyone has any advice on this subject, please let me know. I need all the help I can get!
Something else that's taken shape over the past two months is my book. I've written 45,000 words so far which puts me about half way. I've attempted to write my book so many times before but I've rarely gotten past the first 2,000 words. I'm determined to finish it now with a view to publish it next year. Basically it's about my journey from that cliff top in November 2008 to My Bellringers table earlier this year. I'm really enjoying writing it actually! I think everyone has a story to tell but rarely get a chance to tell it. This is my chance. It has the working title of 'The End of the Rainbow' which will probably be it's final title, unless anything else comes to mind. We'll see!
Anyway, I'm back, I'm not closing the door anytime soon and you know what, it feels right!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)