Finding Closure.

     There was no fanfare, no six gun salute, no marching band, simply me pushing ENTER! I'm not sure how I thought I'd feel when I deleted the first volume of this blog, Breaking Free From The Bud. In the end it just felt normal, like the most regular thing in the world. It's gone now, gone from the internet.

     My life this past few weeks has been dominated by closure, by the need to move on in life and experience the next chapter. This was signalled by my getting my Gender Recognition Certificate but it's a theme that's stretched into other avenues in my life. I've now received my proper birth certificate which states my name and gender so now to all intense and purposes I'm legally female and (should I choose) I can go completely stealth. I've even had a letter from the tax office stating that my records are now in a protective department reserved for those with former genders. The fact of the matter though is that my transition is now over. I've transitioned from male to female physically, emotionally and legally. I can now move on and claim some kind of closure.

     A dream I had recently gave me a lot to think about. I was driving home from college when my car broke down. I needed to get home so I forced a passer-by to give me a piggy back. I jumped on her back and forced her to take me home whilst I rode her like she was some kind of horse! Suddenly, I looked down and I realised that it was me as I am now. I then realised that I was me as I used to be, in my male role. Essentially girl me was giving male me a ride on her back! I believe quite strongly in meanings in dreams and I have no doubt what this one meant. The imagery suggests that I'm carrying the person I used to be on my back, that I'm not yet free of my past. This dream links in with a dream I had a few weeks ago. I think I mentioned it, where I was on the train station platform and I couldn't catch the train, I couldn't move on from my past that filled the platform.

     My need to move on is linked in with recent romantic developments. I've spoken about Maria before and things are going okay. It's going slowly, we don't seem to see each other as much as I'd like, but thinks are going okay. We've kissed and held hands and we both like each other. There are complications (aside from my history) because she's got kids. That kind of limits the time we get to spend together. At first it really annoyed me because I do want to spend time with her. I want to move on with this. Now though I've found a certain peace with it all. I'm enjoying it and it's what I need at this moment in time. We can both be good for each other but, and there is a BUT, I'm not sure if it's got a future. There are just so many complications and I've had enough complication in my life. I kinda want something that's easy and this relationship doesn't feel all that easy. I am enjoying it while it lasts though and it's building up the confidence. I think that, should this not work out, I could still find another nice woman. I don't feel like I'm incapable of ever finding anyone (as I've felt before). I feel confident about dating and about finding a girl I can settle down with, who ever that may be. Realising this has been great in helping me to move on and find closure with events in my past.

     The theme of closure is something that hasn't only been limited to my transition. Last October (just two days after my Breast Augmentation) my grandma died. She was one of my biggest supporters throughout my transition and her death was a huge shock. It was me and my mum who found her, collapsed on the kitchen floor and that's an image I'll take to my own grave. I still miss her and I don't think I've gained closure yet but it finally looks like her bungalow is set to be sold. Hopefully this will help in the respect of closure and it'll mean that we can all move on.

   

If you've enjoyed this blog then please add my new blog to your favourites list or bookmark it in your browser. It's about what comes next, once transition ends......

You can find it here.....

The Next Path

The End Of This Journey Now I've Broken Free Of The Bud

     This is the second volume of my blog. Before I started this one I regularly posted to a blog called 'Breaking Free of the Bud'. It followed the first few years of my transition and it's still read by a lot of people despite the fact that I've not posted to it for nearly three years! I know for a fact that it's helped a lot of people and it certainly helped me when I posted to it. I'm now going to cut right down to the chase and say that I've decided to take it down from the internet. There are many reasons behind this, mainly that I'm hoping to publish it in book form at some point. Another reason links into the reason that I've decided to no longer post to this blog!

     I'm a big fan of Doctor Who and at the end of the sixth series (I think) Doctor Who realises that he's become too big. He's realised that there are a lot of bad things that want him dead and so he decides (after faking his own death) to 'step back into the shadows'. I think that I need to step back into the shadows. The over riding reason for this is my GRC. I've said that it feels like the end of my journey and so it feels like the perfect time to reinvent a few things in my life. I just don't feel trans any more and I'm not sure I identify in that way.

     When I stopped this blog before I came back because I missed blogging and because my story wasn't done. I'm going to continue blogging, just somewhere else. I need to start afresh, start this life I've now got. Going stealth is my route I feel and so that's what I'm going to attempt. I was speaking to a good friend of mine, Samantha, the other evening. I told her that I feel like a woman now. I go to meet a LGBT group every now and again and I've made some great friends within that group. The thing is that (and I've felt this for a while) I don't meet them as a transsexual I meet them as a Lesbian woman and I'm sure that that's what they see me as.

     I don't regret my past, don't feel ashamed of my life before or during transition. I just feel that it is my past and that it doesn't have to be my present. I'll post the link to my new blog when I start it if anyone wants to keep upto date with what I'm up to. In the meantime I'll be keeping this blog online until October (the anniversary of when it began). My other blog, Breaking Free of the Bud, hasn't quite got as long left. I'll be removing it on Monday and it's sixth year anniversary. If you want to read it before it goes you can find it here! Thankyou for reading and for following my journey. I'll see you on the other side.....

Done With Transition!!!

     I can still recall the darkness and the loneliness as I sat on my bed, tears streaming down my face. I was a boy of perhaps five or six and even then I knew that something was desperately wrong. I knew that I wanted to be a girl and from then that desire only grew. I did manage to suppress it for many years but the yearning never really went away. From those early days that dream to be a girl turned into an impossible dream. It was something I never really imagined would come true.

     Nearly a year ago I had my Gender Realignment Surgery and I felt, at the time, that my journey was over. I felt like I'd achieved that impossible dream. The truth was though that despite my surgery, despite the fact that I was living completely as a woman, by law I was still male. That's something that really got to me, the fact that my birth certificate still said male. I felt female, I was female. Everyone who saw me saw me as female yet in the eyes of the law I was male. 

My GRC

     On Wednesday last week my application for a Gender Recognition Certificate went before the panel in Leicester. I was really nervous about it despite the fact that I really didn't have to be. There was just something at the back of my mind that kept saying that I wouldn't have it that easy. My GRC was my last hurdle and something kept telling me that I wouldn't be able to get over it. I've had such a smooth transition, it couldn't end that smooth;y could it?

     On Thursday I received through the post a big brown envelope and my Gender Recognition Certificate. I went to my room and I cried. I was in floods of tears at the mere sight of this rather plain looking certificate that said that I was female. The following day I received the draft of my new birth certificate and I cried once more.

     My transition is over! I am now a woman physically and in the eyes of the law. I can now get married, claim a pension at female retirement age and I'm protected by sex discrimination laws as a female. Essentially now I'm no longer considered as a transsexual but as a woman and the feels so great. I honestly feel like I'm at the end of this journey, like I've crossed the finish line. I can now get on with living, get on with enjoying my life as a woman.

Me on the 14th March 2014

Me on the day I went
 full-time (6th June 2010)

     I'm not ending this blog, that I promise. I've tried ending it before yet I've always come back, felt the need to blog. While my GRC represents the end of one journey, I have many more to travel. My transition is over, officially at an end. That's why the title has changed. It's a transition that has lasted for 4 years, when I went full-time. Look at how much I've changed!!!

The Yellow Looking Glass of The Wizard of Wonderland

     My book has reached the editing phase now! It's proving to be a really long process but also strangely therapeutic. It's meant I've had to revisit certain parts of my past, certain blog posts I wrote. It is a very rewarding process though. As my book is nearing completion I've been giving serious thought to a title. I've looked at a lot of the other transition books out there and the thing that struck me is that you know what they are about before you even open them. I don't want people to see my book as just another transition story but as a story of a journey, of hope, of an impossible dream come true. I'm also a big fan of hidden meanings and of symbolism and I want the title of my book to reflect that. The title of a book can often be just as important as the contents so it's something I'm giving considerable thought to.

     An idea I had was to link the title in with something. One of my favourite ever shows was Lost and something I used to love about it was how the episode titles linked in with things. They often named named episodes with links to popular literature such as The Wizard of Oz, Alice in Wonderland, etc. I want to do something similar with my book and might even do the same with the chapter titles.

     So, what could I link it in with. Well, ultimately my story is about a journey and about hope and one of the most famous journeys is Dorothy's in The Wizard of Oz. Her's is a story about a journey along a fraught path filled with obsticles and danger. Its a story of hope and of desire, of a need to get somewhere. It's a story that really links in with my life. I'm thinking of going for the title of The Yellow Brick Road which I think fits it really well. I may have to split the book in two (it's currently at 200,000 words!) so I'd call my second book Over The Rainbow.

     Obviously I'm open to any suggestions for the titles of both my books so any advice is helpful. Thankyou.

The Train To My Future

Yesterday, on my Magic March post, I mentioned about the prospect of romance and I thought I'd expand on that. I've never had the best luck in the romance stakes. Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments. Before I transitioned I went through a period where I attracted quite a few women. When I lived in Bakewell the waitresses seemed to have a thing for me. It's a thing between Chefs and waitresses. Chefs have power and women seem attracted to power. One of them, a girl called Sara, was someone I always had a thing for in Bakewell. She was younger than me (21 to my 26) and she was so attractive and I had a crush on her. I never did anything about it though because she seemed way out of my league. Anyway, one night she made a move on me and we ended up in bed together. In the end it just didn't work out and it was over before it had started really. It all happened a year after I'd lost my young niece so with that all going off in my mind it was no time to start new relationships. The reason I'm bringing all of this up now is that I had a dream this morning where I was as I am now and I was waiting at Widnes train station. I used to work in Widnes around 10 years ago. As I was waiting, all of the women I've ever had romantic links to arrived, all of the women I've fancied turned up. Some of them recognised me and were happy for me, others I hid from. It was a strange old dream and it got me thinking as to it's meaning. One thing that's held me back in any relationship is my hang ups over how previous relationships didn't work out. Maybe the dream was telling me I need to move on. The train station might have signified that. Maybe I need to get on that train and leave my past behind, move on and lay past ghosts to rest.

This may seem like I'm rambling. To the untrained eye it may seem like I've gone a bit off original topic. Well, The whole moving on thing links in pretty well with recent events in my life. I've met a woman called Maria. She's 32 and we've had two dates so far with a third scheduled for next week. We've only met for coffee so far but we get on and I think she likes me. She's suggested a cinema trip and we're going to go when I'm off work in a few weeks. She is lovely and I do really like her. We're texting every day and I'm being really positive about this. She has got kids, two daughters. The eldest is 8 and the youngest is 18 months. As far as I know she doesn't know about my past and as of writing I'm not exactly sure if or when I'd tell her. Is it something she really needs to know? I did have a sort of rule that if ever a potential relationship got to five dates then I'd tell them. Now I'm not so sure. My main thing now is making sure that she likes me for me and that she can see me for who I am not who I was.

     The reason that these new developments link in with that dream is that I am trying to think positive but I can't help fearing how I'll feel if it all goes wrong. I remember how broken hearted I was after Jamie and how I was left feeling after all of my other potential relationships failed. The trouble with me is that any future romance is riding on the back of a past filled with failure and I need to put all of that to bed. I need to focus on the here and now, focus on the good that could happen rather than the bad.