One of the main personality changes has been my approach to football. There was a time when I loved the sport. I would live by the Saturday afternoon results and the results of the Manchester United games would effect me for days. I actually cried when they won the European Cup in 2008! I would spend hours playing Football Manager and used to love the Fifa games on the PS3. I was also an avid Fantasy Football participant. These days though the game passes me by. I couldn't tell you the top 4 in the current league table and I don't even know the score in Manchester United's last game. I'm just not interested in football anymore, instead gaining a mild addiction to the soaps. Some people would put this down to my true personality coming through. I don't have to live in that male world anymore so I don't have to pretend anymore. I can be honest and admit that I did a lot to fit into the male stereotype. I listened to certain music and watched certain films. I read the Sun (even pausing on Page 3) and drunk bitter. I 'fooled' a lot of people. I did genuinely love football though and I count that as a true example of personality change due to HRT. Another example could be as regards to my sexuality.
My sexuality has always been a bit up in the air shall we say. I was never gay and would never have gone with a man in my previous form. For the past 8 or 9 years though I've classed myself as bi-sexual. I guess that it was the easy middle ground. I had enough on my plate as regards my gender issues, I didn't need to sort out my sexuality as well. I did have relationships with girls, a few physical. I still have fond memories of a few of those times in that it was the closeness I enjoyed. I enjoyed the cuddles and kissing in bed and just found the actual sex really awkward. It never felt quite right to be doing it in that way, it just felt plain wrong. Of course now I know why and when I look back it all seems rather obvious. I was playing a part that wasn't written for me.
These days I'm quickly starting to figure out my sexuality and now I'm kinda starting to see myself as a straight girl. I'm pretty sure that I see myself with a boyfriend in the future rather than a girlfriend and I would love to get married one day. I do find women attractive but it's more of an admiration than actual physical lust. I do think that this shift in my sexuality is down (at least in part) to the HRT as I've heard about this kind of thing before. It is definitely a good thing though that I'm sorting out the rather big issue of sexuality.
A very interesting post Emma, I wonder about myself as I used to be an avid DIY freak now all that seems to sadly disapear ,,,,Sam,,,,
ReplyDeleteHi Emma,
ReplyDeleteI'm married to a transgendered MTF and she has been on HRT for about a year now. Like you we were ready for the physical changes but the personality changes... wow... we did not expect such drastic changes. Diana as Scott was an avid ice hockey player and enjoyed the sport. It was expected that she probably wouldn't be playing in a mens league however she is not interested nor misses it at all. She cries at the drop of a hat over any sappy thing and has taken over the kitchen making elaborate meals. As a partner it has been very confusing at times. Thank you for sharing.
I'm glad I found your blog today!
Lucy
Thanks for reading my blog Lucy x
DeleteI cry over the soaps a lot these days. I'm going to go and see Titanic when it gets re-released in April and a part of me is absolutely dreading it. I've held off watching it since starting HRT as I know it'll have me in buckets x
Interesting post, Emma. Like yourself I was an avid Man Utd fan and I would still say that the time they won the Champions League in 1999 with those two last minute goals from Sheringham and Solskjaer as one of the most ecstatic moments of my life. However, since I started living full-time as Claire, I too have got bored with football.
ReplyDeleteI was also confused about my sexuality once upon a time. I can remember being at school and finding certain women attractive but not in a sexual way. Thus, when the subject came up as it often does amongst teenagers, I would over-emphasise my attraction to them. It took me another ten years to work out that the only thing I was interested in was the way they looked (because I wanted to look that way too!) but, once I did, it freed me up to start considering the gender I really was sexually atracted to - men! :-) So I sorted out which gender I was attracted to long before I sorted out my own gender! :-)
Anyway, the point I wanted to make was that these changes have happened without me taking a single hormone. So maybe it's more than just hormones but also becoming at ease with our place in the world??
For example, I got to where I am by becoming at ease with my sexual attraction to men which alleviated the strain of trying to fit in as a "red blooded male" and thus allowing me to recognise that I am female and so don't have to be interested in manly things like football!
And maybe you got to where you are by becoming at ease with the fact you're female - thus alleviating the need to fit in as a "red blooded male" and so don't need to be interested in manly things or have a typically male sexual attraction to women??
Maybe! :-)
I dunno. I'd be cautious about jumping to any conclusions about this myself. Plenty of women like football. Just because it's a stereotypically male interest doesn't mean that it's inherently male. And plenty of men like soaps.
ReplyDeletePerhaps, in the same way that some of us over-emphasize our culturally "manly" attributes in denial, this is just the reverse: throwing out those culturally "manly" attributes en masse as belonging to the past and no longer part of who we are. And that's a very natural thing to do – emotionally, psychologically – when you're putting something (pretty damn big!) behind you, so as to get on with your life.
But really, football and soaps are just... football and soaps. Indeed, I'm not sure that there's much difference between the two :)