Small Changes To Make Things Better

I'm 30 in less than 6 months and It's causing me to reflect a lot. I know I need to make changes in my life and yet I'm struggling to make them. The truth is that I'm finding motivation a bit of a problem. It's crazy really because I made the biggest change anyone can make in transitioning. The changes I need to make now are small in comparrison.

     Firstly I need to lose weight. I'm not fat as such I'm just not thin either. I have a growing belly and it needs to be nipped in the bud so to speak. I know how I'm putting the weight on. I nibble a lot in work. The odd chip here, the odd bit of meat there, it all mounts up. I reckon that I eat the equivalent of a meal just through the bits I nibble during a working day. I've started cutting that down and my hands red raw at the end of a shift with the amount of times I slap it! I've even started having fruit as a snack if I'm hungry. It is proving to be very hard though. 

     I also get next to no exercise. This has got worse since I've had my car and it needs to be addressed. I'm putting together a bit of an exercise plan, something I can do after work. I'm also going to start running abit and walking to places rather than driving. I weighed myself tonight and I'm 12 stone exactly. If I can get down to 10 1/2 then I'll be happy. It's not beyond the realms of possibility.

     Secondly I need to feel more feminine. Before I went full-time I always wore skirts or dresses whenever I dressed. These days I live in leggings. I know that this is because I'm not happy with my body image but hopefully the weight loss will help with this. I guess that another thing is that before full-time I needed those moments to feel feminine wheras everyday dressing has to be about comfort. I will start to wear more skirts and more femine things though and I'm going to attempt a few new styles, find one I'm happy with. 

     Thirdly I need a relationship. This one is the hardest one to address because of where I am in life. I'm in transition which means that I'm neither in one place or another. I could still be in this transitional state for another 2 years. If I'm going to be in a relationship now then they need to be aware of my transgender status. In all honesty, my internet footprint is big enough to ensure that my transgender status is pretty much an open thing anyway. I just need someone to be ok with it. I'm not naive to believe that everyone will be fine about it. By the same token this is who I am so if someones not ok with it then there's no room for them in my life. 

     I guess that I need to feel that I'm not in transition. To be in transition sugests that you're a work in progress, not the finished article and I really don't like feeling like that. Maybe it's just my impatient nature, maybe it's the fact that I've got used to things happening quickly. My route through the GIC has been rather qiuick. I do need to be patient though and I need to get certain things together before I can get involved with someone romantically. I would love a bit of romance in my life though. 

   

My Coming Out Journey

Today is National Coming Out day so I hear. I'm pretty sure that I'm out to everyone by now or at least I hope I am. Coming Out was not an easy thing for me to do but it was absolutely necessary if I wanted to live this life. It's so strange to think that there was a time when nobody knew. It is such an alien thought to me now. On 'Breaking Free' I made three posts that stand out to me as regards to coming out. They each represent me making bigger steps out of that closet.

     The first post is the one I wrote after telling my mum about my gender issues.

Saturday 25^th April 2009 1:54am

It's all about the baby steps - Telling My Mum

''I'm Transgender ''. Two words that I've said to myself a thousand times over the last 8 or 9 years. Saying them to your mum is much harder than saying them to yourself, as I discovered tonight. It must've taken me ten minutes to finally spit them out. Ten minutes which started with '' I have something big to tell you '', then a lot of mumbling and finishing with ''I'm Transgender''. It has to be one of the hardest things I've ever said to anyone in my life. It's been a long 9 days since I was stood behind that door at the rembrandt annex, scared of stepping out into the street. And now, I was sat in the living room nearly in tears as I told my mother about my trans feelings and thoughts. I did actually cry when I told her of my dark times just before christmas. Before I told her, I had run through the various scenarios repeatably in my head. I had imagined her disowning me, telling me it was just a phase, refusing to accept it, all bad. Stupid really as my mother is very open-minded. She was really good about it and I feel stupid for even believing that she would disown me. She started asking questions such as .....Did I have a wig (she was quite suprised when I told her that I had 3), Where did I buy my clothes (She said I was brave when I said that I shopped on the highstreet), How did I hide my beard shadow, What did I do about clothing sizes. I answered honestly and told her a bit about my two trips to Canal Street. I also told her about the Northern Angels and Northern Concord. All in all it was a pleasent suprise. She told me that she'd also known I was different and that it was okay and a perfectly normal thing. After telling her I began to feel a strange sensation. It was as though a weight had been lifted. I had always wondered what it would be like to tell my mum and now I knew. I also feel that bit more accepting of who I am. My world has brightened up a bit too and life should be a bit more different from now on. I'm not going to start dressing infront of my mum just yet (my father doesn't know) but I've now overcome an obstical. Should I decide on GRS in the future I also know that I've got my mothers support and hopefully one day I'll have my fathers. It's all about taking it slow at the moment though. One thing I've learned from being a T-Girl is that nothing happens over night and you cannot rush things. It's all about the baby steps.

     Things got harder after that but eventually they got better to the stage that I'm going through my transition with both parents full support.

     The second post was when my boss at work told me that he knew. This was the first time that I knew that anyone outside the family knew about my gender issues. It paved the way for my full coming out.

Monday 7^th September 2009 12:20am

A World Exclusive!!!!

Well, what a night!! At the end of my shift in work my head chef took me to one side. He said that he wasn't sure how to approach this and that he would just come out with it. I thought I was getting sacked, or at least a warning. I don't know why, I mean I do work hard, but when your boss takes you 'outside' for a chat it normally only means one thing. But I'm still in a job. So what happened? What is this 'WORLD EXCULSIVE'? Well I'm going to tell you. He asked me about 'The Secret Life Of Emma'. Now when he said that, it was as though a meteorite had flown across the sky and hit me square in the chest. It was the very last thing I was expecting. Then followed a conversation that I had not been expecting to have for at least a year. A couple of months ago a workmate got murdered so I mentioned her by name in a post. My head chef googled her and my blog came up in the search engine. The lady that died has a sister called Emma and so my head chef thought that it was her blog so he clicked on it. And then my blog popped up and the cat was out of the bag. So what made him approach me after 2 months of knowing? Well on friday night I had a bit of 'Emma' time and on Saturday I went into work with a bit of foundation still on. I had completely missed it but it couldn't have been much to be fair. But anyway the breakfast chef clocked it and mentioned it to my head chef who said that it couldn't be. So tonight he approached me to warn me a little bit that other people were suspicious. I have the utmost respect for him anyway as he has worked himself up from trainee to head chef, but after tonight that respect is increased ten-fold. He told me that I always have a job and that if other people in work have a problem then they have him to answer to. He also said that should I go full time then I could expect his support and my job would be safe. He also mentioned that I always have a job with him. It feels really strange to be fair. I did suspect that he may have known a few months ago when in work he mentioned an old school friend who he'd just got back in touch with. This mate was transitioning and my head chef started going on about how he didn't have a problem with it and that this mate was still the same person. I am now convinced that this mate doesn't exist and that he was hinting at me. I had my suspicions at the time but now I am convinced. To be honest I can't believe that I am writting this post, I really can't. He was so sympathetic to my situation and the fact that he is a year younger than me makes his acceptance that bit more unbelievable some-how. God, to think that 4 months ago no one knew, now every sod knows lol. All I need now is for it to be a segment on The One Show lol. To be honest though, the carefullness I had prided myself on over the years has gone out of the window the last 4 or 5 months. It was only a matter of time before my Transgender and work lives collided. 

     The final post is the one I wrote when I came out to everyone on Facebook with a status report. I had been planning it for a few days and had written one or two cryptic status reports hinting at a big reveal. In 4 days time I'll actually be marking the 2 year anniversary of my final coming out. 

Sunday 18^th October 2009 11:38pm

A Bigger World Exclusive Than Last Time!!!

What a weekend!! I am now out of the closet. And I mean all the way out, with the closet booked for a date with Mr Bonfire. Basically all last week I had been having thoughts about telling the world about Emma. I had decided that I would use my Facebook page to do so. So I started posting little teasers for my Status Reports. Remarks like 'Watch This Space' and 'Hope You're Watching This Space' were frequent. Then on Friday night I posted the following report...

Paul Jewkes has something to say. For 20 years he's been hiding away and denying who he is. Living a life which he has not really been happy living. This state of mind has caused him to think seriously about suicide on a number of occasions. Things came to a head after a recent car accident in which Paul wished he had perished due to the complexities and general unhappiness inherent in his everyday life. You see Paul is infact Transgendered and has been all of his life. He is very open about it when asked, and understands that people will all have their own opinions. All he asks for is the respect that he has earned after 20 odd years of fear, confusion and self loathing.P.S. Told you to watch this space lol.

And that was that, the cat was out of the bag. The fact that most of my workmates are also facebook friends means that things are truly out in the open. Saturday in work was strange. Mainly due to the fact of how low I felt. I was happy to be out but by being out, I felt like I had lost something. The one thing that had been mine was in the open.Today I feel a lot better about it. The freedom that I have gained through being 'out' will take a lot of getting used to, that I'm sure about. I have gained this power, and to be honest I'm not exactly sure how to handle it yet.Last night I posted another status report with a link. I want people to understand and not be confused about what being Transgender means. So I began another Blog and wrote a post about why I'm me. I will be adding to that Blog now and again so feel free to follow it. This blog will continue being my main posting station though.<br /><br /><a href="http://the-me-you-never-knew.blogspot.com/">http://the-me-you-never-knew.blogspot.com/</a><br /><br />I have had one or two messages of support, one from a mate tonight. He sent a message on Facebook and said that he'd known for months. Makes me wonder who else knew. Im expecting a lot of questions over the next couple of months, once the news filters around work. I think that I'm ready for them. Only time will tell.

So there you have it, my own coming out journey. Of course, things were a bit more complex than these three posts can tell but I think the end result is still the same. I'm a lot happier being out and had I not come out then I'd still be secretly dressing. I'd still be living as a man and above all I'd still be deeply unhappy.

The Day I Was Proved Right

I've filmed and uploaded another Vlog post. It's the first one with my new webcam and I'm sure that you can tell the difference. The sound is a lot better and so is the picture. I think that after 4 episodes I'm finally happy with the results. I also think that the 1 month gap is quite a nice period between videos. A couple of years ago I'd have been filming everyday as so much seemed to happen on a daily basis. These days things have slowed down quite a lot.

     I've been enjoying editing 'Breaking Free...' in preparation for getting it published. It's been great to read the journey I've come on and I think that it could make a very good book. I've also been looking through my old letters from the therapist I saw before I got referred to the G.I.C. as well as the ones from the G.I.C. I've been careful to save any correspondance regarding my dealings with my Gender issues for posterity. The best part in all of these letters was this snippet...

'In summary, we support a diagnosis of gender identity disorder and entry to our treatment programme.'


     It still makes me smile just thinking about it. I guess that it's like when a dyslexic finds out that they have an actual medical condition and that they aren't stupid. For me, getting that diagnosis proved what I already knew, that I should've been born a girl. It proved that I was a victim of a set of chemical circumstances that were out of my control. When I heard that diagnosis on the 20th July 2010 my life began to make sense.

The Most Important Blog Post

I been thinking about what the most important blog post I ever wrote was. I've written some pretty big ones in the past 3 or 4 years but which one was the most important. There is one that truly changed my life although at the time I'd never have guessed at how important. It was a simple memorial to a murdered work colleague that set in course a set of circumstances that truly changed my life. It is also a post that should act as a warning to those bloggers who wish to stay in the closet. Basically a work colleague got murdered and I posted a short post about her. My other work mates, wanting to find out about her murder case, Googled her name. My Blog came up on the first page of search results. I was lucky in that it would be a few months before people began to tell me that they knew and that most would allow me to 'come out' before telling me they already knew. It definately made the 'coming out' thing a whole lot easier and it also brought it forward I guess. I'm not sure that I would even be fully out now had things not been fast forwarded.

 Friday 10^th July 2009 3:20am

Perspective Duly Recieved

Got some bad news yesterday when I was informed of the death of a co worker. I'd known her on and off for 9 years and had worked with both her sons at different points. She was found shortly before 6 am yesterday morning, dead by the side of the road. As of writting her husband has been questioned and the general feeling is that it was a Hit and Run. I was only speaking to her a few days ago, and so her death came as a great shock to me. She was only 43 and was one of the most honest and genuine people you could ever wish to meet. No one could ever have a bad word to say about her. An extremely premature death indeed. Her death has really brought it home to me how fragile and precious life truly is. With out a seconds notice anyone of us can be plucked from this mortal coil. It's brought a lot of perspective to my life too. I can't imagine how her two sons must be feeling. RIP Colette Daffin, you will be sincerely missed

Old Times Revisited

I've been spending the last couple of days editing 'Breaking Free From The Bud' into some kind of publishable form. It's been really interesting reading some of my old posts, posts I can't remember writing. It's been a good thing, revisiting old times. I've come so far in the past 3 years that I've condensed about 10 years of events into that time. Coming out to my family and the subsequent weeks of constant emotional change made for pretty hard reading. Things are so good and normal now that I'd forgotten how tough those early days out of the closet actually were. The following post was posted on the day I came out to my mum, a few hours before.

23^rd April 2009 6:39pm

If I don't know what I want, how can I expect other people to?

 What do I want? It's aquestion that I wake up in the morning to, and a question I fall asleep at night to. What do I want from this life? This life that I was given 27 years ago, yet that I'm not making the most of. I'm alive, but I wouldn't say that I'm living. I'm merely going through each day content with my lot. Content, because I'm too lazy and because I hate aggro. You see, if I followed what I think I want then my life would be turned on it's head. I always thought that I knew what I wanted from being a t-girl. When I started dressing 11 years ago, I was content with the odd bout of dress-up. I only got to dress every so often when I was alone in the house. Then there came a time when that wasn't enough and I needed to feel feminine more and more. Then came the events of last year. A walk up to some cliffs where I had the full intention of jumping. I'm ashamed (as I've said before on an earlier post) but I'd reached a point wherby I didn't see a way out. I was deeply depressed and the reasons, in my eyes, were legitamate. I didn't want to be me anymore. Before that walk I was sobbing uncontrollably in a toilet just wanting the feeling of self loathing to go away. I wanted to be a girl at that point. I wanted to be me. I'd had to pretend to be someone else for 7 months, unable to express myself in the way I need to. I don't know whether I'm TS because it's too easy to jump to that conclusion, all I know is that something has to give. If that'd been the only time then I might have brushed it off as too much drink, but it happened again on Boxing day. I was all ready to jump off the balcony to the apartment where I lived. At that point I realised that I needed help, and I needed to leave Spain and come back to the UK. I'd always thought that the days of confusion were behind me. I thought I'd left them behind 7 years ago but I was wrong. I think I do need to talk to somebody. I just don't have a clue what I want and what the future holds and it scares me. I'm not suicidal and I'm not about to end it all. Since those events in Spain I've vowed to never get into such a place again.

This was quite a hard post to read because it made a lot of the old emotions come flooding back. I think though that it's good to revisit such feelings and emotions as it puts things into perspective. It's easy to forget where we once were and what once drove us. It's also easy to forget that it's times like that that shape our character.

A Shiny Thing

I've quickly moved from the 'Not a home' stage into the 'New toy' stage. Wheras yesterday I felt like this new corner of the web wasn't quite homely yet, I'm now wanting to play with it and touch it all the time. It's new and shiny and it's all mine. This post for instance is for no other reason than to do something with my 'new toy'. I've got plenty to write about, plenty to get down but it's all in a certain order. I need to begin this 2nd volume right and in some kind of order.

     Firstly I need to get down a few posts like this one to reassert myself in the blogging world. While it is a continuation of my life story it is still at a different address, in a different part of the web. I've been quickly posting links to it on the support forums, facebook, twitter, etc. I may have to start writting the adress on motorway bridges before shinning it onto Big Ben FHM style.

     The good thing about this blog is that it feels young. Wheras 'Breaking Free From the Bud' felt old and somewhat tired, this feels young and vibrant with a whole future spread out before it. I guess that towards the end I kinda new that 'Breaking Free...' was coming to its natural conclussion hence the reason the posts became less and less. This is my 3rd post in 2 days on this blog although I think that that is because it's all shiny and new.

It's Not A Home....Yet.

This is strange, kinda weird. It's like I've moved into a new house. It doesn't quite feel like home yet. I've spruced the place up a bit, thrown a bit of colour on the walls. I've even got a bit of furniture, it just doesn't feel right yet. I'm sure it will in time. The trouble is that I kinda feel like I'm betraying my old blog by starting over again. I just need to keep telling myself that this is Emma Volume 2 and not a brand new book. It's the sequel if you like. 

     One thing I will be doing over the coming days is re-posting the most important posts from 'Breaking Free of the Bud.' I'm also going to be finally putting it into some kind of publishable form. It'd be a shame for it to be left without a wider audience reading it. 

Hello, My Name is Emma and I'm Transgender...

Hello, well I guess you found my new home. This is hopefully the first post of many. If you followed my last blog, Breaking Free of the Bud' then you can expect much of the same from this one. This isn't a replacement to that blog, more a continuation. I've broken free of the bud and this blog will reflect that. As the title suggests, I'm in transition. Over the next few weeks you can expect many tweaks to the look and feel of this blog but one thing that you can rely on is honesty. I hope that you'll join me on this next chapter of my life during what will no doubt be an eventful few years.