The Post-GRS Blues

On Twitter during the week, I joined in a conversation about Gender Reassignment Surgery and general fears regarding such a huge operation. Personally, GRS completed me. It was always the plan, the end point. Sure, I had my fears because it was such a big operation. One thing I never prepared for though was the 'what now' effect.

For twenty six years I'd wanted to be a girl. The op was (in my mind anyway) the final step to completing that process. Once it was over and I'd recovered I was left with a huge hole in my life, a great chasm. It was really like that, I promise you. It was as though a great void had opened up in my life and all I could keep thinking was 'what now? What the hell do I do with my life now?'

By the time I'd had the operation in 2013, I'd been going through transition for three years. Now that's not long compared to a lot of other transitionees I know but three years is still a long time whichever way you look at it. Following the op, for me, transition was over. I was wrong about that, I know now. Transition continues long after GRS! Anyway, I was still left with a huge hole in my life to fill so what did I do?

I quit my catering career of fourteen years and threw myself into finally getting an education. I started attending night school to obtain my GCSEs in English, Maths and Science. Then, a year later I went to college to study an Access to Higher Education course. A year later I was beginning an English Literature and Journalism Degree at Bangor University.

I'm not saying that all transgender people should quit their jobs as soon as they're off the operating table, that they should be as dramatic as me in trying to fill that hole. It does help to throw yourself into something though, to carry that change on, to continue to better yourself.

I Forgot Where I Came From

Trans pride is happening and it's got me thinking. It's got me remembering where I came from and certain parts of my journey I'd actually forgotten. I'm kinda ashamed because once upon a time that was something I swore I would never do. Forget where I came from. I know that it's a consequence of moving on and embracing a 'normal' life. You can't move on without letting go of certain aspects of your life. 

The aspects of my life I did let go of were parts I still don't think I needed, not anymore at least. They were remnants of another life, back when I was just discovering who and what I was. I needed the support and the self-belief they gave me you see. 

At the end of the day I'm trans. However much I see myself as a woman, I'm still trans and that will never change. The experiences I've had are those of a trans woman and nothing can ever change that. Sure, I can stay away from Sparkle and Trans Pride, make an effort not to meet with other trans people but all that has done is isolate me. 

I've got friends and a loving and supportive family. Even my brother has come round now! I am surely the luckiest of trans women in that respect. None of them can relate to me though and that's not a slight on them or their character. The only people who know what a trans person is going through is another trans person. We share the same experiences and insecurities and we know what transition is like. 

I can't honestly tell you of any trans friends I have and that realisation, I had this evening, is so upsetting and disgusting in many senses. I still get pangs of dysphoria, still have moments where I feel lost in the world and my self-confidence fails. Who do I talk to about these things? Nobody, I just bottle them up and absorb them. I follow other trans people on Twitter and have trans 'friends' on Facebook but they aren't real friends. This is something I know I need to rectify and that I will. 

I'm going to Trans Pride next year and in the mean time I'm going to make an effort. I need to be an active part of the community I forgot about. I need to be back among my people!

No Meat, No Fish, What Has Happened To Me??

I loved eating meat. Steak, Lamb Chops, Belly Pork, Roast Chicken; all favorites of mine. I can't imagine having a pizza without pepperoni on it, a burger without fat dripping off it, a pie without gravy pouring from it. Why is it then that I've suddenly decided to give all of that up in favour of a meat-free diet? Me, a self-confessed veggie-phobe. Well, you know how on Facebook, they've started playing videos automatically. I got caught by one which was an undercover look at a chicken factory. I cried for twenty minutes afterwards! Even now, I can't get the images of the chickens out of my head. For anyone with a conscience it was horrific viewing and I never want to see it again. That is why I'm going to attempt a vegetarian diet for the next month. Hopefully I'll stick with it longer than a month but I'm just giving it a go for now. Baby steps.

Anyone who truly knows me will know how hard this will be for me. I love meat and fish, vegetables not so much. I rarely go a day without eating some form of meat product and have fish a couple of times a week. This is not a small undertaking for me, not by any stretch. Next to my transition, this will one of the biggest challenges I'll attempt in order to change my lifestyle for the better. I want to get healthy, want to eat more fruit and vegetables. What better way to do that than by cutting out a pretty big part of my diet. I'll keep you all informed as to how I get on.

Conclusion and Closure

I don't tend to blog that often these days. It's a shame really because I used to love blogging. Unfortunately my time tends to be taken up with other things these days such as studying, working and just generally living life. That's a good thing though right? That's all anyone within the transgender community wants, to be able to live a normal life. It's been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember, to live a life of acceptance where people liked and respected me for who I was and not the person I pretended to be. Am I wrong therefore to feel the need to distance myself from certain aspects of the trans community?

For a while I had this dream of being an advocate for the trans movement. I thought that if only I were given the platform that I could make things better for the trans community, that I could effect real change. I saw Paris Lees and she became the kind of trans woman I wanted to be. A beautiful, strong personality who was helping things change for the better.

When I think about it real hard, when I search deep within myself I realise that maybe I was wrong. I haven't got it in me to be a part of the trans movement. I'm never going to be that person who makes change happen. There are numerous reasons for this but it's gone one o'clock in the morning so I'll perhaps blog about those reasons another day. Ultimately though, it's time for me to take a back seat and concentrate on my own life and my own future.

NOTE
[I do know people within the trans community who are effecting real change and who are excellent advocates within the trans movement. They have my utmost respect and thanks for what they do, mostly on a voluntary basis.]

As I've already stated, I'm finally living a normal life. My gender is never an issue and neither is my sexuality and that is an amazing thing, a truly amazing thing. You may laugh at that but when you've spent a life-time questioning both, to finally achieve a sense of conclusion is enough to make you weep. And maybe that's why I'm finally able to concentrate on important things, because I have conclusion and even closure.

I can remember back in the 'old days', way back in March 2008 when I first went out dressed as a woman. This was before transition, before everything. One of the girls I was with told me that it was just a stepping stone, that soon these nights out would turn to days out. I'd move on. This is me just moving on. Of course you can't get rid of me that easily. I'll still blog from time to time but I'm going to sit back, ignore what the likes of Greer and Clarkson have to say and concentrate on becoming the best me that I can be.

All It Takes...

I'm coming to the end of my first semester at University. Did I ever believe that I'd say that, let alone be experiencing it. The changes I've made to my life in the past 6 years have been incredible, truly incredible. I'm just a completely different person, in a positive way of course.

Way back, this time in 2009 I was working in Spain as a Chef in the south-eastern resort of La Manga Club. It was a beautiful place of white washed millionaires villas, clear blue sea and long sunny days. Well, one night, around this time, I stood on the edge of a cliff and my life completely changed direction. I was just trundling along at the point, just ambling along through life. I had no clear direction and to some extent I guess I was existing rather than living. Then, one rainy night I decided that I'd had enough. I couldn't carry on living this lie, couldn't carry on along this route. I had to make a choice. I could either change things or I may as well just step of the edge into oblivion.

So, I chose life. I came back to England and made peace with the fact that I was transgender and that I needed to do something about it. For me, the solution was transition and 6 years on I haven't looked back. I don't regret living a male existence because I had experiences I wouldn't have had otherwise. I did have some good times and I met people without whom my life wouldn't be so rich. Saying all of this, I do regret not transitioning sooner. I feel that I've lost years because I began transition at 28 rather than ten years sooner. Ultimately though, I love being me. I still smile when someone calls me Emma or uses female pronouns to refer to me. That part of transition, despite being the norm, will never get boring.

Transition wasn't the only thing I needed to do in order to improve my life though. I needed to take a long hard look at my career. Did I really want to be a chef? The answer was a resounding no so just months after my Gender Reassignment Surgery I enrolled at college. I spent a year redoing my Maths, English and Science GCSEs then spent a year doing an Access to Higher Education course. All of that brings me here, to Bangor University where I'm studying English Literature and Journalism. Can I believe I'm here? No. It still feels strange. It was never something that was on the cards for me although, like transition, I wish I'd done it sooner.

As well as transition and university, I've also written a book about my life, interviewed Rebecca Root and I've had articles published in the student paper. Claude Littner himself read my Apprentice review! Things are still looking up for me! I guess that the purpose of this post is that it's never too late to change. I needed to literally look into the jaws of oblivion but I shouldn't have needed that! All it takes is the belief that what you are doing is right and that it's needed in order for you to live a full and great life. A life worth living!

True Terror, The Return?

What Sleep Paralysis feels like!

About fifteen years ago I began suffering with sleep paralysis. I was going through a lot of stuff and I struggled to keep it all together but keep it together I did and so the side effect was the sleep paralysis. Basically, sleep paralysis occurs when you are either just dropping off to sleep or (as in my case) when you are just waking up. In my case I would begin to regain conciousness but I wouldn't beable to move my body. I would be paralysed. Sometimes I would sense something else in my room with me getting closer to my bed. I would feel defenceless because I wouldn't be able to move yet this monster would be getting closer to me. If you've ever experienced it then you will agree that it is simply terrifying. Because you are semi-concious you believe that it's all real. It also seems to continue for a long time!

I would experience sleep paralysis about every 2-3 months but then one day, about 10 years ago it just stopped. That was until last night when it happened again. It was terrifying and it's worried me a little bit. I have some idea why I had sleep paralysis because I think it's because I'm missing my family. I've felt incredibly homesick for the last couple of days and whether it's playing on my mind, that could explain it.

I am enjoying University but there are days when I do feel really alone. I've made friends, there are a few of my flatmates I really get on with and I've made friends on my course. Our flat isn't as close as I'd like though. Other flats seem to have really bonded. It is something I perhaps regret about moving into the quiet block but it is the only regret. None of my food has gone missing, the kitchen is tidy and the only noise I get is from other blocks. Also, I do like my flatmates.

I guess that I like to think I'm a lone wolf on this journey through life but as I get older I begin to feel lonely more than I ever used to. I need to feel a part of something and I need people to count on me. I need to feel useful which is why I'm always willing to help people.

If This Is A Dream I Hope I Never Wake Up

I still have to pinch myself sometimes! I'm a girl and this month I'm moving to university! It's possibly the closest I've been to a perfect life than I've been my whole life. For many years I lived a life I thought I needed to live in order to be a well rounded and good person. I had a career, I had friends and I was generally liked by most people. Because of this I was content with my lot. Sure, I wasn't entirely happy being the gender I was but I was what I was. At the time I didn't think there was anything I could do about that and the same goes for my career. I was a Chef. It was something I was good at and it was all I thought I knew. 

Fast forward ten years and I'm now extremely happy being the gender I am and I'm extremely happy with my future career prospects. It's not been easy but finally I'm no longer content with my lot in life, I'm so happy with my life! Is it a dream? Will I wake up soon, put on my male clothes and head off to a hard days work in the kitchen? It feels like it should be a dream. Is this really my life right now? Am I really a girl? Did I really transition? Did I really achieve that impossible dream?

Then we come to university! For so long it was just a pipe dream, something other people did and now it's something I'm doing. Am I really going off to university? It's something I do ask myself almost daily. It still doesn't seem real yet although I'm sure that'll change once I move into halls on the 20th September. Then my perfect life can continue. Can I just ask one thing though, one last thing. If this is a dream, if this wonderful life where my gender is as it should be and where my future is bright is a product of my subconscious, can I please never wake up? Can I stay sleeping forever in this perfect life of mine.