Stealth Time

I've spoken a lot about the need to move on and this need has only really intensified this past few weeks. My life has changed a lot recently, in a number of different ways. I'll fill you all in shortly regarding everything that's been happening but the main one has been my new job. It has been so good to just be me, to not be Emma the transsexual and to be Emma the woman. I guess that although this new found freedom that living in stealth brings is great, it has also added a few complications to my life. I'm not naive to believe that I can stay in stealth forever and I know that someday my history will come back into focus again. I am pretty keen to keep it under wraps for a while yet though.

Of course to hide my history means to delete the Internet! I have a pretty large Internet footprint, this very Blog being a couple of toes on that footprint. The first volume of this Blog, 'Breaking Free of the Bud' offers another sizable chunk on that footprint. Then (and this is the biggest Internet signature I have) there is Facebook. I have been unbelievably open on Facebook regarding my history. I 'came out' on Facebook, have regularly posted updates regarding my transition and posted old photos. Most of my facebook friends were from the trans community. I say were, because I have since deleted that facebook account. I needed to for many reasons. Some of my workmates will have been looking for me on Facebook so to stay in stealth I needed to remove the trans element from my profile. At first I went through my profile page with a fine tooth comb, removing old posts and photos that referred to my past life. In the end though, I decided that the only way to ensure that nothing 'got through' was to delete the profile and start again. It feels good though, to start with a blank sheet. It feels right somehow. 2012 is proving to be a year for new starts for me for so many reasons. Of course, the biggest new start could occur right at the end of the year should everything go to plan.

So, if you've received a new friendship request from me then it's my new profile so please accept it. If you haven't then I am sorry, I just need to keep my Facebook page separate now. This whole facebook thing doesn't mean that I'm ashamed of who I am or that I'm completely distancing myself from the whole trans thing. Various developments will become clearer over the coming days that will hopefully shed a lot more light on why I need to go stealth a bit more.

The New Job, An Update

     So 3 days into my new job and how is it going? Well, it's going fine. It's different and it's taking some getting used to. It's a smaller kitchen and there's no function or banqueting work. It's also a much smaller kitchen team. I am enjoying it but I do hate the first week when you start a new job. I'm not sure what it's like in other trades but in Catering most Head Chefs have their own ways of doing things. That means that a lot of what you know alters when you start a new job. The basics still count and certain ways of doing things but alot sort of goes out of the window. An example is that I needed to make an Onion Jam the other day. I learned how to make Onion Jam years ago and so I started to gather the ingredients together. Red Onions, Brown Sugar, Red Wine, etc. The Head Chef saw me and told me another way of doing it. To be honest, his way is better but the fact that I'd been making it this one way for the past 12-13 years and it suddenly went out of the window. It is really like starting again.

     Saying that, I am starting to get into the swing of things now. I'm getting on really well with the other staff too which brings me onto the part of this post that you really want to read. How are things going regarding my living in Stealth. Well, my gender hasn't been questioned yet. It's been great not having the whole transgender thing hanging around my neck like a millstone. To them, I'm a woman and that's fine by me. With my last job, although I knew that when people referred to me as she they meant it, the fact that they once knew me as him, weighed on my mind. Here, they only know me as I am now. Of course, one day I may have to come clean. When that particular bridge comes I'll cross it, until then I'll just enjoy things.

New Job, New Start, New Future

I've been quiet for a few weeks which is usually a good thing. I tend to post on this blog when I have a lot on my mind. A lot has been happening recently though, most good I must add. I've recently written on this blog about the need to move on and start again and this past few weeks I have started moving on. I have a new job which I start on Tuesday (17th April). This is a hugely momentous thing in my life, not least because I'll be starting it as a woman. In the interview I didn't mention anything about my history and so they've employed me as a woman! It is huge as it gives me the opportunity to start again in a place where they don't know me, where they don't know my history.

     Of course, starting a new job means that I have to leave the safety of Ringwood Hall Hotel. Ringwood is safe for the same reason that I'm eager to start afresh, they know me. They've been so good to me there, so unbelievably supportive. I started there back in 1999 as a fresh faced 17 year old and stayed until the beginning of 2003. Six years then passed during which time I did a couple of Summer Seasons in Spain and three years in Bakewell. Then, in the summer of 2009 I found myself once again working at Ringwood Hall Hotel. I think that fate played a role in my return to Ringwood as it was here that I began my transition less than a year later. I don't think that I could've transitioned anywhere else, with as much support. It is for that reason that I will finish my last shift there on Saturday night with a heavy heart.

     There are many reasons why I'm leaving Ringwood, most work related. This new job is a real opportunity in terms of the better standard of food I'll be doing. It's also a Sous Chef role which means that I'm a step closer to Head Chef. It'll also be more money once I get past the 13 week probationary period. It is a fresh start too and I'm really relishing the challenges that that will bring. I've found a passion for food that I'd forgotten I had and I'm really looking forward to testing myself in different ways.

     The fact that it is a nicer place has taken my mind off the main issue of my history. At the end of the day I'm a woman to all intense and purposes and my history shouldn't matter, doesn't matter. The fact that I'll need 3 months off soon will matter though. I do have a bit of a bit of a plan for when the opperation comes round, I'll tell you about it closer to the time.

     In the mean time I'll be essentially living in stealth which will be kinda new to me. Sure I've had small moments when I've been in stealth but working in stealth is a new thing which will present it's own set of challenges aside from the actual work. They are challenges that I'm relishing though and the actual risk factor is a pretty big buzz.

     I have made a lot of friends at Ringwood and I have had some good times there. It'll always hold a place in my heart now due to it's role in my transition. The support has been fantastic and were certain things different I would probably stay there, at least until after the op. I am ready for that change though and it does feel like the right time. I'll keep you informed as to how it goes, you can be sure of that.