5 Years Of Blogging:-Coming Out

9 days after that night out with the Northern Angels I 'came out' to my mum. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and remains the toughest part of my transition. That night, after I told her, I wrote the following post entitled It's all about the baby steps - Telling My Mum, the date being Saturday 25th April 2009.

'' I'm Transgender ''. Two words that I've said to myself a thousand times over the last 8 or 9 years. Saying them to your mum is much harder than saying them to yourself, as I discovered tonight. It must've taken me ten minutes to finally spit them out. Ten minutes which started with '' I have something big to tell you '', then a lot of mumbling and finishing with ''I'm Transgender''. It has to be one of the hardest things I've ever said to anyone in my life. It's been a long 9 days since I was stood behind that door at the rembrandt annex, scared of stepping out into the street. And now, I was sat in the living room nearly in tears as I told my mother about my trans feelings and thoughts. I did actually cry when I told her of my dark times just before Christmas.
Before I told her, I had run through the various scenarios repeatably in my head. I had imagined her disowning me, telling me it was just a phase, refusing to accept it, all bad. Stupid really as my mother is very open-minded. She was really good about it and I feel stupid for even believing that she would disown me. She started asking questions such as .....
-Did I have a wig (she was quite surprised when I told her that I had 3)
-Where did I buy my clothes (She said I was brave when I said that I shopped on the highstreet)
-How did I hide my beard shadow
-What did I do about clothe sizes
I answered honestly and told her a bit about my two trips to Canal Street. I also told her about the Northern Angels and Northern Concord. All in all it was a pleasant surprise  She told me that she'd also known I was different and that it was okay and a perfectly normal thing.
After telling her I began to feel a strange sensation. It was as though a weight had been lifted. I had always wondered what it would be like to tell my mum and now I knew. I also feel that bit more accepting of who I am. My world has brightened up a bit too and life should be a bit more different from now on. I'm not going to start dressing in front of my mum just yet (my father doesn't know) but I've now overcome an obstacle.  Should I decide on GRS in the future I also know that I've got my mothers support and hopefully one day I'll have my fathers. It's all about taking it slow at the moment though. One thing I've learned from being a T-Girl is that nothing happens over night and you cannot rush things. It's all about the baby steps.

I can remember that day like it was yesterday. I had woken up determined that that would be the day when I 'came out' to my mum. I knew that if I didn't tell her on that day then I would probably never tell her. It still remains the hardest part of my transition but also the most important. I can remember feeling a sense of hope for the future although things definitely got harder before they got better. My mum found it really hard over the following weeks, especially when I began to indicate that I would transition.

5 Years Of Blogging:-The Second Outing

When I returned to England in January I was determined to get out as Emma again. It was definately one of my top priorities so I did as I did on my first night out and I went out with the Northern Angels onto Manchesters Canal Street and my 7th blog post was born. Entitled, rather simply, April Northern Angels Meal it was posted on Saturday 18th April 2009.

Wednesday 15th May 2009 and my second foray into the outside world as Emma. It was also my first time out in 13 months. Why I left it so long had a lot to do with work. Not only could I not go out dressed but I couldn't dress at all. 8 months without Emma, and it nearly killed me. So on arriving back in this country in January I decided that Emma would make a reappearance on the outside world pretty soon. 3 months later and she did. I noticed Lisa (organiser of the monthly Northern Angels meal on Manchester's Canal Street) had posted a message on the Angels Forum site detailing plans for the upcoming April meal. I had gone with the Northern Angels on my first and last night out and had really enjoyed myself so I decided to take my chance. I quickly booked the time off work (I had to beg), booked a hotel room at the Rembrandt Annex and a week later I was driving into Manchester.

I checked into the Rembrandt with 2 1/2 hours until I was supposed to meet the rest of the girls at Tribecca. I shaved my legs, hands and face, showered and proceeded to get ready. By 7:20 pm I was all dressed and was standing behind the front door to the hotel. I was kinda nervous and scared and stood there 5 minutes although it felt longer. I kept hearing footsteps walk past outside which put me off a little. I had had one or two minor disasters on my first night out. Boob slippage and losing a false nail were the main things. I had prepared this time though. I'd invested in some decent adhesive for my boobs, formed a decent cleavage which wasn't in much danger of moving and instead of false nails I'd just painted my own. I was still wary about the possible disasters that could happen. A main one which would've broke my confidence would've been if I'd gotten agro off people in the street. It was this that was preventing me from opening the front door. Eventually though I did and stepped out into the cold Manchester evening.

One of my best memories of my last night out had been the feel of the breeze on my legs and the wind in my hair. It's just a great feeling. Anyway that's what I got while I walked down to Tribecca, the breeze on my legs and the wind in my hair. It brought back memories and instantly I was a little more at ease. I walked down and a couple of lads passed me but didn't say anything. They didn't even react. I got into Tribecca and after a quick look around I couldn't see anyone I recognised so I just sood at the bar and waited. Very soon though I noticed someone gesturing at me from upstairs. I guessed that they must've been part of the group so I acknowledged and went upstairs. I was introduced to Tina and Emma, two very nice T-Girls. I learned later that Tina was a postman and Emma was a rugby player in their other lives. It just goes to show that anybody from any walk of life can be a T-Girl. We waited in Tribecca until the other T-Girls arrived. I recognized Lisa and Kate who had both been at the last meal I attended way back in March 2008. Both had brought their partners Jan and Shirley respectively. A couple of T-Girls I hadn't met before had also arrived.

From Tribecca we walked down to the far end of Canal Street to Taurus and the venue of the meal. While walking there I chatted with Lisa. I told her a brief bit about Spain and why I came back. I also told her how happy I was to be back out. Round about this time it started to feel like the last 13 months hadn't happened, like I hadn't been away. But I had and I was determined to make up for lost time.

At Taurus we were quickly seated. I recognized Taurus as it had been the venue of the last meal on my first night out. We were also on the same table. I sat next to Jan and Justine. Just before we ordered a couple more T-Girls arrived. During the meal I was mainly just listening to the various conversations around me. I felt a bit like the new girl again and I suppose in a way I was. During the meal one of the strangest (nice strange) things happened. I started talking to Jan about heels. It was strange but as I said, in a nice way. I've never really talked to another woman as Emma. At my first meal, Astrid had brought her partner but I never really got a chance to talk with her, so speaking to a woman about shoes was unexplored teritory for me. It was great talking to her. For the meal I had Cajun Salmon, which was nice just very hot. I could feel myself sweating as I was eating it so I ate about half and gave up. The T-Girl opposite me was a journalist from Warrington and throughout the meal I had one or two conversations with her about Widnes (I used to work there and it's just down the road from Warrington) and Sparkle. She was very nice. I also spoke a little to Lisa during the meal.

After the meal we payed up and headed off to the Rembrandt and the location of the Northern Concord meeting. It's held there every Wednesday and is a gathering of T-Girls of all shapes, sizes and styles. Mary organizes it and is really nice. We stayed at the Rembrandt for about an hour, during which time I got to talk to Jan again about shoes. She advised me to get some wedges which are now on my shopping list. I also listened in as she advised another T-Girl on Botox.

After Rembrandt a few of us (me, Emma, Tina, Mandy, Kate and Shirley) headed to Naps. Naps is good but was still etched in my mind from last year. It wasn't too bad tonight though  Being in Naps gave me a great chance to get to know a few of the other girls. I was more confident by this time so I told them a bit about me. I was in Naps until about 1:30am, I think and it was a great end to a brilliant night.

I hate to compare my two nights with the Northern Angels but if I had too I would say that this one was better. I had no disasters, I was more confident, my shoes didn't hurt, I was just happy to be out again after a very long 13 months. There had been times during my time in Spain that I truly wondered if I would ever dress again let alone get out. My first night out way back on Wednesday 19th March 2008 had become a distant memory and there were times I had to look at the photos just to convince myself that it'd actually happened. Being back out though was a great thing for me and the relief was over-whelming. As I said earlier, not being myself in Spain nearly killed me. At one time things got worse than they could ever get and I saw only one way out. Stupid I know, but if anything it made me realise that I can't exist without Emma. I'm a T-Girl and always will be and the feeling of being out with the girls as one of the girls is a brilliant feeling. I can't wait to go out again. Sparkle is even looking a lot more promising than it did a couple of months ago. After 13 months behind closed doors, hidden away even from me, Emma is back and she's here to stay!

Looking back, that night was about more than just an outing. It confirmed a few things in my mind. It was this night out that led onto the biggest thing I've ever done in my life. Everything I've done in the past 3 years can be traced back to this point and I have no doubt in my mind that had I not chosen this moment to 'come out' then I would not be only 25 days away from my GRS.

5 Years Of Blogging:-The First Post

On the 24th March I'll mark 5 years of blogging which is quite a milestone. I can still remember writing that first post like it was yesterday which is strange considering all that's happened since. At that time though I don't believe I ever imagined I'd be where I am today. I never started blogging as a way to document my transition because I'm not sure I ever thought I would transition. It was just a way to document my thoughts, something to do. What my blogs have turned into though is something quite special. They've turned into a proper story of a transition.

To mark my 5 year anniversary I thought I'd take a look back at my blogs and republish a few posts from different periods in my transition. I'm starting at the beginning and a post I wrote on the Monday 24th March 2008 entitled Ain't It Just Typical.

4 years ago, around about this time, I went to work in Spain. I'd just started to really embrace my femininity and had begun to build a decent collection of clothes. I'd got my first wig and had begun to experiment with make-up. Why I felt the need to throw it away in favour of a life in foreign climbs would seem kinda obvious. At that stage in my transgender life I didn't really realise the kind of progress I was making. Infact I didn't understand that you could progress as a t-girl. Anyway, I went to work in Spain, threw most of my things away and stopped dressing. To be honest, it affected me. At the time I didn't realise it, but it definately affected me. Not being able to express myself.
When I got back to this country a year later, it took a while to get back to the position I was in before I left. It took me ages to build a decent clothes collection and get wigs. Now after 3 years of being back in this country I am in the great position of being able to go full time should I want without too much extra expense. My make-up is at an acceptable level and I've created my own style. I've even gone out dressed for the first time. I'm really happy with myself in terms of being a t-girl. But fate has a way of rocking the boat doesn't it.
Yesterday I got a message on facebook from my old headchef from Spain. He's recruiting for the new season and he's offered me a job. I'm not particularly enjoying my own job at the moment so a return to Spain would be a great opportunity. Infact the job offer couldn't have come at a better time. It would do wonders for my experience and future employment options. But, If I went back to Spain, Emma would have to go into hibernation for a while. The question is, am I prepared to do that. The answer is, no. I can't do it, I really can't. For the first time, since I realised what I am, I'm putting it first. I'm doing something for the good of Emma, rather than the male me. Spain would be the making of male me, but it could severly set female me back years, and I just am not prepared to do that.

Just a couple of weeks previously I'd gone out as Emma for the very first time. I'd gone up to Manchester and experienced a Canal Street night out with a group called The Northern Angels. It was the making of me. Despite the ending of the post I did go back to Spain and I spent nearly 9 months there. It was hard, really hard at times. I can remember that I'd often look at the pictures from that first night out and despair that I'd never get out again. Of course, I did enjoy aspects of Spain, it wasn't all bad. It was a valuable period of my life though in that it helped me work things out. I realised I wasn't happy in my male skin and that I needed to change things. I had a girlfriend and realised that I was never meant to be. Boyfriend. It never felt right, especially the physical aspects. It's funny how periods of your life that are extremely hard end up as essential parts of who you end up being.

In 4 Weeks Time

     In 4 weeks time I'll be settling in for the night although I very much doubt I'll be getting much sleep. 4 weeks tomorrow at around 7:30am I'll be boarding a train at Chesterfield train station and I'll be settling down in first class (I've decided I'm travelling down in comfort!). 4 weeks tomorrow at around 11am I'll arrive at Charing Cross hospital in London ready for my week stay and 4 weeks tomorrow at 5pm I'll find myself under Mr Bellringers knife. I know it's not a very romantic way of putting it but I'm trying to keep a certain perspective over it. I'm starting to feel the nerves now, the closer it gets. Each day is another day crossed off and it really is starting to go fast. It's like that extra sprint you have at the end of a long race, that last ounce of energy that you find from somewhere.

     I've come home today, just for a couple of days. It's the last time I'll be home before I come back the day before my op so I'm going to make a couple of last checks. I've been 'stocking up' on certain things I'll need since I got my date. Things like wipes, nappy sacks, panty liners, etc. I've also got a few things for the hospital stay such as an eye mask and ear plugs. It's amazing the things I'll need but I'm determined to be as prepared as I can be. I've started stocking up on lubricant too. I've heard that aqua gel is one of the better brands so I've been shopping on eBay. I got my douche months ago so that's all ready to go. It is quite funny when you think about it. When I got my date I got. Big plastic box and I've been putting all of my things in it. If someone broke in and looked in it I'm not sure what would go through their head! There's lots of wipes, nappy sacks, a few towels, flannels, lots of lubricant and this strange pink bubble with a long tube attached (the douche). It would make anyone blush unless you knew the situation lol.

     It's 2 week since I stopped the hormones and as yet I've not really noticed any effects. I've had a few emotional moments and my dreams are a tad wackier than usual. I don't feel much different than I did 2 weeks ago though. I am looking forward to restarting them though as it feels strange not taking my morning and evening tablets.

     In terms of the op, Im kinda scared but not in an 'eeeekkkk' kinda way. I'm concerned about the recovery more than anything but only like I would be with any major surgery. Im not sad to see that part of my anatomy go. In reality it shouldn't be there and the surgery is a corrective one. The thing I'm actually most scared about is what my next 'target' will be. For the past 4 years I've had a target whether it was getting referred to the GIC, being prescribed hormones or being referred for surgery. After the surgery, once I've recovered, what will I have to aim for? I can remember when I first came out and I started talking about going full-time. A few people said that I'd miss the buzz of going out dressed but I didn't. Life got normal and I'm hoping that that happens once I've recovered, life will be normal.

Next Stop, Surgery!

Today I went to London for my Pre-Admission appointments at Charing Cross. The purpose of these appointments is to determine that you are fit and healthy enough for the anaesthetic and for the surgery itself. You are also made aware of the procedure and the risks involved. Although it was a routine trip I was still nervous as I made the train journey from Exeter to Waterloo. It was 3 hours long so I whiled away the time by watching films on my IPad, a piece of kit that has become invaluable on these couple of long journeys to the capital.

I got into London a couple of hours before my 1pm appointment so I had a chance for a spot of sightseeing. I saw Westminster Abbey and the Houses of Parliament before I walked towards Horse Guards Parade and then down the Mall to Buckingham Palace. I actually saw a horse drawn carriage come out of the palace with a police escort so I assume it was royalty which was an unexpected event.

My first appointment was in the main hospital on the 6th floor and I had a bit of a wait for a lift. I managed to get to reception at Pre-Admissions about 15 minutes early in the end though. At 1pm I was called by a nurse called Suzy who took my weight, height and blood pressure before taking 2 swabs (to detect any signs of MRSA), 1 from my nose and the other from my groin area. Then she took me into an office where she asked me questions about my past medical history. After this I was given my notes to take to my 2nd appointment and I was told to go via the blood test room on the 1st floor. It was easy to find, I just followed a red line on the floor. Once there I had 2 test tubes of blood taken and it was all done.

My 2nd appointment was over at the Gender Clinic which is across the road from the main hospital. I arrived there 15 minutes early for my 2pm appointment before I was called by Iffy. I've heard a bit about Iffy from other blogs so knew I'd meet her at some stage. She was lovely although she didn't leave out any gory details when explaining about the risks associated with Vaginoplasty! It actually scared me a bit although they need to tell you about all risks due to the nature of the surgery. During the appointment she showed me the things which will become my lifelong friends, the 2 Perspex dilators I'll need. For the 8 weeks following surgery I'll need to dilate 3 times a day! Considering an average dilating session (including clean up) will take at least an hour, this is quite an undertaking. Before I went, Iffy told me that she would be assisting in my surgery which was kind of reassuring. My surgery will be at 5pm on Monday the 25th March with Mr Bellringer and now it's real. Before, there's always been something before my surgery, always an obstacle in the way that I've had to navigate. Now, the next thing is my surgery, it's actually the next thing on my list. I've jumped through the hoops, attended every appointment when I should, done everything to the letter and this is my reward and I'll tell you what, it feels bloody good!

It's Been A Long 20 Weeks

So, I'm off the Hormones for the first time since 10th August 2010! Im having mixed emotions over it, I must say. The little blue pills have become a constant in my life, an ever present part of my morning and evening routines. They've helped to change my body and my mind too. I am slightly scared that certain changes may begin to reverse! The fact that I've had to stop taking them though means that my surgery date is getting closer, down to the last 6 weeks to be exact! As of writing, I've been off the hormones for 6 days and I've not quite had any really adverse effects. I have been having some pretty vivid dreams though so I guess that counts as an effect.

When I got my surgery date it was September and 26 weeks away! I am quite literally on the last leg of what has been an incredible journey. I'm not making the mistake of believing that the op is the final stage of transition because I know it's not. It is the end of this period in my life though that began in April 2009 when I first 'came out' to my mother. What a roller coaster it's been since then. Did I ever truly believe that I'd reach this point? There were times, especially in the 6 months after I 'came out' when I thought that I'd never even go full-time. To reach this stage is amazing.

I would love to say that the past 20 weeks have flown by. The thing is, they haven't. Its going quickly now, that's true. Next week I have my Pre-Admission appointments at Charing Cross and I'm slightly scared. I've been looking forward to my op date for what seems like an eternity. I'm just expecting something to go wrong. I'll be a lot happier to get home on Tuesday night knowing that I can really start thinking about my surgery, knowing that it was definitely going ahead.

No Time To Get Nervous

It's been a few weeks since my last post but I've had one or two more pressing concerns I guess, mainly my move to Devon! I moved down on Monday and started work on Wednesday. It's taken a bit of getting used to but I am enjoying it. Bovey Tracy is set in a beautiful part of the country, on the edge of Dartmoor. It's only 8 miles from the nearest beach too, which is nice considering i was born 100 miles from the sea! I'm really looking forward to getting out and exploring in the next few weeks. In the meantime I'm getting stuck into my work and I already have big plans for the menus.

     I need to get everything how I want it and it needs to be soon. I've not really got the luxury of time due to my upcoming surgery. It's less than 8 weeks away!! I have to go to London on the 19th February for my pre-surgical appointments which I'm starting to get nervous about. I'm also coming off the hormones a week on Monday which is a big thing. I've been on them for 2.5 years and they've become a huge part of my life. I take two tablets in the morning and two before bed, it's all part of my routine.

     With all of the problems regarding my work I've not had a lot of time to think about my op. I guess that it's been a bit of a blessing in a way because the op is kinda creeping up on me. I am ready though, pretty much. I need to save a bit of money but apart from that I'm pretty set. I've reached the stage where I just want it done now, I've waited long enough. Every now and again I get asked if I'm nervous, it's something my Dad asks me quite a lot. I wouldn't say I'm nervous, not yet at least. I'm sure that the nerves will come in the couple of weeks before. At the moment I'm more excited than anything.