The Post-GRS Blues

On Twitter during the week, I joined in a conversation about Gender Reassignment Surgery and general fears regarding such a huge operation. Personally, GRS completed me. It was always the plan, the end point. Sure, I had my fears because it was such a big operation. One thing I never prepared for though was the 'what now' effect.

For twenty six years I'd wanted to be a girl. The op was (in my mind anyway) the final step to completing that process. Once it was over and I'd recovered I was left with a huge hole in my life, a great chasm. It was really like that, I promise you. It was as though a great void had opened up in my life and all I could keep thinking was 'what now? What the hell do I do with my life now?'

By the time I'd had the operation in 2013, I'd been going through transition for three years. Now that's not long compared to a lot of other transitionees I know but three years is still a long time whichever way you look at it. Following the op, for me, transition was over. I was wrong about that, I know now. Transition continues long after GRS! Anyway, I was still left with a huge hole in my life to fill so what did I do?

I quit my catering career of fourteen years and threw myself into finally getting an education. I started attending night school to obtain my GCSEs in English, Maths and Science. Then, a year later I went to college to study an Access to Higher Education course. A year later I was beginning an English Literature and Journalism Degree at Bangor University.

I'm not saying that all transgender people should quit their jobs as soon as they're off the operating table, that they should be as dramatic as me in trying to fill that hole. It does help to throw yourself into something though, to carry that change on, to continue to better yourself.

I Forgot Where I Came From

Trans pride is happening and it's got me thinking. It's got me remembering where I came from and certain parts of my journey I'd actually forgotten. I'm kinda ashamed because once upon a time that was something I swore I would never do. Forget where I came from. I know that it's a consequence of moving on and embracing a 'normal' life. You can't move on without letting go of certain aspects of your life. 

The aspects of my life I did let go of were parts I still don't think I needed, not anymore at least. They were remnants of another life, back when I was just discovering who and what I was. I needed the support and the self-belief they gave me you see. 

At the end of the day I'm trans. However much I see myself as a woman, I'm still trans and that will never change. The experiences I've had are those of a trans woman and nothing can ever change that. Sure, I can stay away from Sparkle and Trans Pride, make an effort not to meet with other trans people but all that has done is isolate me. 

I've got friends and a loving and supportive family. Even my brother has come round now! I am surely the luckiest of trans women in that respect. None of them can relate to me though and that's not a slight on them or their character. The only people who know what a trans person is going through is another trans person. We share the same experiences and insecurities and we know what transition is like. 

I can't honestly tell you of any trans friends I have and that realisation, I had this evening, is so upsetting and disgusting in many senses. I still get pangs of dysphoria, still have moments where I feel lost in the world and my self-confidence fails. Who do I talk to about these things? Nobody, I just bottle them up and absorb them. I follow other trans people on Twitter and have trans 'friends' on Facebook but they aren't real friends. This is something I know I need to rectify and that I will. 

I'm going to Trans Pride next year and in the mean time I'm going to make an effort. I need to be an active part of the community I forgot about. I need to be back among my people!

No Meat, No Fish, What Has Happened To Me??

I loved eating meat. Steak, Lamb Chops, Belly Pork, Roast Chicken; all favorites of mine. I can't imagine having a pizza without pepperoni on it, a burger without fat dripping off it, a pie without gravy pouring from it. Why is it then that I've suddenly decided to give all of that up in favour of a meat-free diet? Me, a self-confessed veggie-phobe. Well, you know how on Facebook, they've started playing videos automatically. I got caught by one which was an undercover look at a chicken factory. I cried for twenty minutes afterwards! Even now, I can't get the images of the chickens out of my head. For anyone with a conscience it was horrific viewing and I never want to see it again. That is why I'm going to attempt a vegetarian diet for the next month. Hopefully I'll stick with it longer than a month but I'm just giving it a go for now. Baby steps.

Anyone who truly knows me will know how hard this will be for me. I love meat and fish, vegetables not so much. I rarely go a day without eating some form of meat product and have fish a couple of times a week. This is not a small undertaking for me, not by any stretch. Next to my transition, this will one of the biggest challenges I'll attempt in order to change my lifestyle for the better. I want to get healthy, want to eat more fruit and vegetables. What better way to do that than by cutting out a pretty big part of my diet. I'll keep you all informed as to how I get on.

Conclusion and Closure

I don't tend to blog that often these days. It's a shame really because I used to love blogging. Unfortunately my time tends to be taken up with other things these days such as studying, working and just generally living life. That's a good thing though right? That's all anyone within the transgender community wants, to be able to live a normal life. It's been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember, to live a life of acceptance where people liked and respected me for who I was and not the person I pretended to be. Am I wrong therefore to feel the need to distance myself from certain aspects of the trans community?

For a while I had this dream of being an advocate for the trans movement. I thought that if only I were given the platform that I could make things better for the trans community, that I could effect real change. I saw Paris Lees and she became the kind of trans woman I wanted to be. A beautiful, strong personality who was helping things change for the better.

When I think about it real hard, when I search deep within myself I realise that maybe I was wrong. I haven't got it in me to be a part of the trans movement. I'm never going to be that person who makes change happen. There are numerous reasons for this but it's gone one o'clock in the morning so I'll perhaps blog about those reasons another day. Ultimately though, it's time for me to take a back seat and concentrate on my own life and my own future.

NOTE
[I do know people within the trans community who are effecting real change and who are excellent advocates within the trans movement. They have my utmost respect and thanks for what they do, mostly on a voluntary basis.]

As I've already stated, I'm finally living a normal life. My gender is never an issue and neither is my sexuality and that is an amazing thing, a truly amazing thing. You may laugh at that but when you've spent a life-time questioning both, to finally achieve a sense of conclusion is enough to make you weep. And maybe that's why I'm finally able to concentrate on important things, because I have conclusion and even closure.

I can remember back in the 'old days', way back in March 2008 when I first went out dressed as a woman. This was before transition, before everything. One of the girls I was with told me that it was just a stepping stone, that soon these nights out would turn to days out. I'd move on. This is me just moving on. Of course you can't get rid of me that easily. I'll still blog from time to time but I'm going to sit back, ignore what the likes of Greer and Clarkson have to say and concentrate on becoming the best me that I can be.