It's Beginning To Look Alot Like Christmas

Christmas has to be my most favourite time of the year. Now it wasn't always that way. When I cooked for a living I grew to dislike Christmas enormously. It was always the busiest time of the year, a period that would begin on the last week of November and carry on through to mid January. Last year, even though I wasn't a Chef anymore, I lived in a pub so it was still busy for me. This year I get to have a really nice family Christmas at home and I couldn't be happier with that. I get to enjoy my Christmas Dinner without being sick of the sight of Turkey and I get to enjoy a glass or two of Baileys without being either too tired from work or dreading a busy boxing day behind a stove! This year, for the first time in a long time I've enjoyed the build up to Christmas like a normal person with a normal job outside the service industry. 



(Most) of the Humanities Access to HE College group on our Christmas meal

Last night I went out with my college friends for a Christmas meal. It was cheap and cheerful but it was nice. I really do feel like I amongst friends with them and I feel truly accepted. It will certainly be bittersweet when I head off to University next year. On the one hand I'll be moving to a new area and I'll begin studying a course that will give me a bright future doing something I really want to do. On the other hand, I won't be able to take any of my new friends with me. I just really hope that we keep in touch and that we can arrange to meet up every so often. I think that we've all really bonded so it would be a shame were we all never to see each other again after this year!

Morals Mean Nothing In The Face Of A Freebie

Last year I was lucky enough to have Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS) and Breast Augmentation (BA), both on the NHS. I didn't feel guilty about this which might make me seem a terrible person. Why should I drain vital NHS funds, funds that some would say are better served treating cancer and other life threatening conditions. GRS saved my life so in many ways, that particular operation was a life saving procedure. If GRS hadn't been available on the NHS then I wouldn't be here now, it's as simple as that. Now you can probably see why I feel no guilt over that particular operation. BA on the other hand, well I did feel a little bit guilty over that. Essentially it was cosmetic but, and it is a rather big but, it changed my life! It didn't save my life but it did give me confidence and it has helped with how people see me. People see a good rack on someone and they instantly think female! It's inbuilt in our minds to put breasts and female together!

Something that isn't on the NHS is Facial Feminisation Surgery (FFS) and that's fair enough. It's not something I'm desperate for to be honest because I'm not sure it's something I absolutely need. Don't get me wrong, it wouldn't do me any harm. Any procedure that makes me look more feminine can only be a good thing right? It's still not an operation I'm desperate for though. Now, if it was available on the NHS then I would have some thinking to do because then, then it might become something I needed. It's strange how the opportunity for a freebie can change someones perception. The bad thing is that as with GRS and BA, I wouldn't feel a great deal of guilt! Now, does that make me a terrible person?

Learning To Feel Accepted

(L to R)
Me, Emily and Ellen

Last night I went out on the town. I think I've mentioned briefly before about how supportive my college group is so I'm going to expand on that a little bit. Now, in school I never really fitted in and I was bullied. This kinda carried on into my working life, once I'd left school. When I did begin to fit in, when I found a niche to belong to, it wasn't how I wanted to fit in. I didn't want to be 'one of the guys', I didn't want to fit into that niche. It was a place though and somewhere to belong to so I just got on with things I guess. When I transitioned I needed a new place to fit in and it has taken me a while to find that place. I now feel like I belong in a place I want to belong to. I've found a level of acceptance that I'm happy with and that I need in my life right now. That is because of the college group. We are all so close and I genuinely feel accepted as one of them. I'm not on the sidelines, not being judged, not being taken apart like a frog in a biology class. I'm me, Emma, and they treat me with so much respect and love that I can feel myself begin to well up writing this. The thing is that we've all said the same to each other. We can not believe how much we've bonded and how much we get on.

(L to R)
Back Row: Dave, ???, Me, Jack, Jo, Josh
Front Row: Rachel, Tammie, Kelly, Paige, Katie

Last night, a few of us went into town. I wasn't drinking, due to driving, but I still had such a great time. I felt like one of them, like they genuinely wanted me there. From the outsider, this may be coming across like an emotionally charged drunken speech. I assure you that I'm as sober as a judge. It's just that I need acceptance, I need reassurance and I need to know that I would be missed were I not there. For so long, especially in social settings, I've felt like people find me an embarrassment, a trophy freak. Now I feel accepted, I feel reassured and I feel like I would be missed and that just feels so nice.

Well, I Wrote A Book....

So, I wrote a book. I managed to self-publish it on Amazon in September and I'm so proud of it! I had been wanting to write a book for years but had never got round to it. I guess that following my operation in March last year, I finally had an ending so I just thought I'd do it. It's been really well received by all who have read it so far and I am so proud of it. Yes, I know that I already said that but I thought it warranted my saying it again!
I do love writing and finishing the book only really increased that passion. I guess that it showed that there could be a fruit to my labours, that I could achieve something with my writing. It's also given me the confidence to believe in myself as a writer. I'm a good writer with a really easy to read style and I have so much to write about. I find it easier to write than speak sometimes. Anyway, you can get my book from Amazon and the link is below so why not check it out. You can get it in paperback format and also in e-book.

From The Edge... In Paperback and e-book

All Hunky Dory in Emma-World, Despite The Odd Dysphoric Cloud

This is me now!!!!

I used to post on this blog a fair old bit didn't I. Those were the days when I needed to blog, when I needed to let stuff out. It's important to keep things from getting to a stage when they can really cause problems and I always released that stuff by writing about it! It allowed me a voice without my having to actually sit down across from someone and talk about it. Talking about stuff makes it real, it makes it an actual issue and I need to know that there were no issues. I guess that it's my way of navigating through life and it works. Writing is therapy, personal therapy and it really does work. That's why I blogged while I was transitioning because I needed that therapy. By blogging, I was talking my issues out, I had an audience yet I couldn't see that audience. When you can't see an audience, can't know of their reactions, how can you be judged? I don't like being judged, don't like feeling judged either!

So, why did I suddenly decide to stop blogging. Well I didn't really. I've carried on posting to my television based blog but that's not real blogging. With this blog, I never planned a post. More often than not I would sit down in front of my laptop and just see what I churned out and that's what I always loved about blogging! It was personal and the posts were windows into how I was feeling! When I decided to stop this blog I filled the space it left behind by writing my book and since then I've not had the therapy or the outlet that writing gives me! That is why I'm going to reopen this blog, why I honestly doubt I'll ever stop blogging like this. This isn't planned, no notes have been made. This is simply me and my IPad and what ever my fingers are churning out and it's really helping me!

Why have I suddenly realised that I need to write like this, what has happened in my life for me to realise that I still need 'therapy'? Well, one word, Sociology! To cut a long story short, I'm doing an Access course at college and one of the classes is Sociology. We are currently studying Sex and Gender and certain aspects of the module are a bit too close to home. Last week we had to do a presentation explaining what a word in meant. We could choose either gender, sex, gender identity, sexuality, masculinity and femininity. I chose gender identity because it's something I know about having struggled with mine for many years. Before I carry on, I will say that my college group all know about my history and they have all been absolutely fantastic about it. I feel so accepted by them and long term readers to this blog will know how important acceptance is to me.

The day of the presentation came and I was so nervous. I opted to go first and I think I did okay. I used my own experience within the presentation and it was very well received. Once the presentation was over though, once I sat down in my seat, I just started crying. I quickly got myself back under control but I still felt incredibly emotional about it. Gender is a subject that is extremely close to me and talking about it is something I still find hard to do. It brings things back bubbling to the surface, things I thought I'd long since buried!

Today we had Sociology again and the main focus of the lesson was stereotypes between masculine and feminine. That was fine and I quite enjoyed it. Towards the end though we suddenly switched to stereotypes regarding transgender people. I felt myself start to shake and I felt my heart start to race. I suddenly felt like I was being opened up and examined and I didn't like it. I felt this bubbling sensation rise up from my feet and it swept over me and then the tears started. I could hear the discussion as it started but it sounded muffled and I realised that I just couldn't handle it. I stormed out of the class and into the corridor. I was shaking and I felt drunk. I thought I was going to collapse because I couldn't keep my balance. I somehow made it to the toilet and I locked myself in a cubicle and I just sobbed! I sobbed my eyes out! I felt judged and I felt so uncomfortable! In my life I've put myself into many situations that were uncomfortable and I've found a way to handle them. That though, I just couldn't handle it and I feel like a bit of a coward because of it. It was the old fight or flight reflex and I took the flight option. I ran because I honestly could not handle the situation I was put in! I don't walk away from things so I guess that the fact that I ran from this just shows the depth of feeling I had towards the whole thing!

A couple of other students from the class came out to make sure I was okay and the tutor apologised saying that she should've pre-warned me about the transgender part of the lesson. To be honest, I'm not sure whether a pre-warn would have made a great deal of difference. It might have at least prepared me though! 

So, where do I go from here? Do I let this get to me again or do I find a way to contol things and to battle ever on? I've got to try and find a way to fight and to keep this from getting to me. I'm not a coward! I have been experiencing a bit of a dysphoria flare up of late so perhaps that didn't help matters. Basically, even though I've transitioned, even though I am a woman in body, mind and legally, I still get times when I feel like a fraud. I feel like I'm being a fake and that I'm a freak. Whether it's down to unresolved issues, I don't know. Normally I can handle it. I paint a smile on and I get through to the rainbow beyond the clouds. It's my way and it works! Sometimes though, it is hard to pretend everything's hunky dory in EmmaWorld and all it takes is a trigger. Unfortunately, Sociology was the trigger today!

From The Edge!

On the 1st September 2014, my book will be available to download from the Amazon Kindle store. It's the story of my journey through transition, quite literally from the edge!

Finding Closure.

     There was no fanfare, no six gun salute, no marching band, simply me pushing ENTER! I'm not sure how I thought I'd feel when I deleted the first volume of this blog, Breaking Free From The Bud. In the end it just felt normal, like the most regular thing in the world. It's gone now, gone from the internet.

     My life this past few weeks has been dominated by closure, by the need to move on in life and experience the next chapter. This was signalled by my getting my Gender Recognition Certificate but it's a theme that's stretched into other avenues in my life. I've now received my proper birth certificate which states my name and gender so now to all intense and purposes I'm legally female and (should I choose) I can go completely stealth. I've even had a letter from the tax office stating that my records are now in a protective department reserved for those with former genders. The fact of the matter though is that my transition is now over. I've transitioned from male to female physically, emotionally and legally. I can now move on and claim some kind of closure.

     A dream I had recently gave me a lot to think about. I was driving home from college when my car broke down. I needed to get home so I forced a passer-by to give me a piggy back. I jumped on her back and forced her to take me home whilst I rode her like she was some kind of horse! Suddenly, I looked down and I realised that it was me as I am now. I then realised that I was me as I used to be, in my male role. Essentially girl me was giving male me a ride on her back! I believe quite strongly in meanings in dreams and I have no doubt what this one meant. The imagery suggests that I'm carrying the person I used to be on my back, that I'm not yet free of my past. This dream links in with a dream I had a few weeks ago. I think I mentioned it, where I was on the train station platform and I couldn't catch the train, I couldn't move on from my past that filled the platform.

     My need to move on is linked in with recent romantic developments. I've spoken about Maria before and things are going okay. It's going slowly, we don't seem to see each other as much as I'd like, but thinks are going okay. We've kissed and held hands and we both like each other. There are complications (aside from my history) because she's got kids. That kind of limits the time we get to spend together. At first it really annoyed me because I do want to spend time with her. I want to move on with this. Now though I've found a certain peace with it all. I'm enjoying it and it's what I need at this moment in time. We can both be good for each other but, and there is a BUT, I'm not sure if it's got a future. There are just so many complications and I've had enough complication in my life. I kinda want something that's easy and this relationship doesn't feel all that easy. I am enjoying it while it lasts though and it's building up the confidence. I think that, should this not work out, I could still find another nice woman. I don't feel like I'm incapable of ever finding anyone (as I've felt before). I feel confident about dating and about finding a girl I can settle down with, who ever that may be. Realising this has been great in helping me to move on and find closure with events in my past.

     The theme of closure is something that hasn't only been limited to my transition. Last October (just two days after my Breast Augmentation) my grandma died. She was one of my biggest supporters throughout my transition and her death was a huge shock. It was me and my mum who found her, collapsed on the kitchen floor and that's an image I'll take to my own grave. I still miss her and I don't think I've gained closure yet but it finally looks like her bungalow is set to be sold. Hopefully this will help in the respect of closure and it'll mean that we can all move on.

   

If you've enjoyed this blog then please add my new blog to your favourites list or bookmark it in your browser. It's about what comes next, once transition ends......

You can find it here.....

The Next Path

The End Of This Journey Now I've Broken Free Of The Bud

     This is the second volume of my blog. Before I started this one I regularly posted to a blog called 'Breaking Free of the Bud'. It followed the first few years of my transition and it's still read by a lot of people despite the fact that I've not posted to it for nearly three years! I know for a fact that it's helped a lot of people and it certainly helped me when I posted to it. I'm now going to cut right down to the chase and say that I've decided to take it down from the internet. There are many reasons behind this, mainly that I'm hoping to publish it in book form at some point. Another reason links into the reason that I've decided to no longer post to this blog!

     I'm a big fan of Doctor Who and at the end of the sixth series (I think) Doctor Who realises that he's become too big. He's realised that there are a lot of bad things that want him dead and so he decides (after faking his own death) to 'step back into the shadows'. I think that I need to step back into the shadows. The over riding reason for this is my GRC. I've said that it feels like the end of my journey and so it feels like the perfect time to reinvent a few things in my life. I just don't feel trans any more and I'm not sure I identify in that way.

     When I stopped this blog before I came back because I missed blogging and because my story wasn't done. I'm going to continue blogging, just somewhere else. I need to start afresh, start this life I've now got. Going stealth is my route I feel and so that's what I'm going to attempt. I was speaking to a good friend of mine, Samantha, the other evening. I told her that I feel like a woman now. I go to meet a LGBT group every now and again and I've made some great friends within that group. The thing is that (and I've felt this for a while) I don't meet them as a transsexual I meet them as a Lesbian woman and I'm sure that that's what they see me as.

     I don't regret my past, don't feel ashamed of my life before or during transition. I just feel that it is my past and that it doesn't have to be my present. I'll post the link to my new blog when I start it if anyone wants to keep upto date with what I'm up to. In the meantime I'll be keeping this blog online until October (the anniversary of when it began). My other blog, Breaking Free of the Bud, hasn't quite got as long left. I'll be removing it on Monday and it's sixth year anniversary. If you want to read it before it goes you can find it here! Thankyou for reading and for following my journey. I'll see you on the other side.....

Done With Transition!!!

     I can still recall the darkness and the loneliness as I sat on my bed, tears streaming down my face. I was a boy of perhaps five or six and even then I knew that something was desperately wrong. I knew that I wanted to be a girl and from then that desire only grew. I did manage to suppress it for many years but the yearning never really went away. From those early days that dream to be a girl turned into an impossible dream. It was something I never really imagined would come true.

     Nearly a year ago I had my Gender Realignment Surgery and I felt, at the time, that my journey was over. I felt like I'd achieved that impossible dream. The truth was though that despite my surgery, despite the fact that I was living completely as a woman, by law I was still male. That's something that really got to me, the fact that my birth certificate still said male. I felt female, I was female. Everyone who saw me saw me as female yet in the eyes of the law I was male. 

My GRC

     On Wednesday last week my application for a Gender Recognition Certificate went before the panel in Leicester. I was really nervous about it despite the fact that I really didn't have to be. There was just something at the back of my mind that kept saying that I wouldn't have it that easy. My GRC was my last hurdle and something kept telling me that I wouldn't be able to get over it. I've had such a smooth transition, it couldn't end that smooth;y could it?

     On Thursday I received through the post a big brown envelope and my Gender Recognition Certificate. I went to my room and I cried. I was in floods of tears at the mere sight of this rather plain looking certificate that said that I was female. The following day I received the draft of my new birth certificate and I cried once more.

     My transition is over! I am now a woman physically and in the eyes of the law. I can now get married, claim a pension at female retirement age and I'm protected by sex discrimination laws as a female. Essentially now I'm no longer considered as a transsexual but as a woman and the feels so great. I honestly feel like I'm at the end of this journey, like I've crossed the finish line. I can now get on with living, get on with enjoying my life as a woman.

Me on the 14th March 2014

Me on the day I went
 full-time (6th June 2010)

     I'm not ending this blog, that I promise. I've tried ending it before yet I've always come back, felt the need to blog. While my GRC represents the end of one journey, I have many more to travel. My transition is over, officially at an end. That's why the title has changed. It's a transition that has lasted for 4 years, when I went full-time. Look at how much I've changed!!!

The Yellow Looking Glass of The Wizard of Wonderland

     My book has reached the editing phase now! It's proving to be a really long process but also strangely therapeutic. It's meant I've had to revisit certain parts of my past, certain blog posts I wrote. It is a very rewarding process though. As my book is nearing completion I've been giving serious thought to a title. I've looked at a lot of the other transition books out there and the thing that struck me is that you know what they are about before you even open them. I don't want people to see my book as just another transition story but as a story of a journey, of hope, of an impossible dream come true. I'm also a big fan of hidden meanings and of symbolism and I want the title of my book to reflect that. The title of a book can often be just as important as the contents so it's something I'm giving considerable thought to.

     An idea I had was to link the title in with something. One of my favourite ever shows was Lost and something I used to love about it was how the episode titles linked in with things. They often named named episodes with links to popular literature such as The Wizard of Oz, Alice in Wonderland, etc. I want to do something similar with my book and might even do the same with the chapter titles.

     So, what could I link it in with. Well, ultimately my story is about a journey and about hope and one of the most famous journeys is Dorothy's in The Wizard of Oz. Her's is a story about a journey along a fraught path filled with obsticles and danger. Its a story of hope and of desire, of a need to get somewhere. It's a story that really links in with my life. I'm thinking of going for the title of The Yellow Brick Road which I think fits it really well. I may have to split the book in two (it's currently at 200,000 words!) so I'd call my second book Over The Rainbow.

     Obviously I'm open to any suggestions for the titles of both my books so any advice is helpful. Thankyou.

The Train To My Future

Yesterday, on my Magic March post, I mentioned about the prospect of romance and I thought I'd expand on that. I've never had the best luck in the romance stakes. Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments. Before I transitioned I went through a period where I attracted quite a few women. When I lived in Bakewell the waitresses seemed to have a thing for me. It's a thing between Chefs and waitresses. Chefs have power and women seem attracted to power. One of them, a girl called Sara, was someone I always had a thing for in Bakewell. She was younger than me (21 to my 26) and she was so attractive and I had a crush on her. I never did anything about it though because she seemed way out of my league. Anyway, one night she made a move on me and we ended up in bed together. In the end it just didn't work out and it was over before it had started really. It all happened a year after I'd lost my young niece so with that all going off in my mind it was no time to start new relationships. The reason I'm bringing all of this up now is that I had a dream this morning where I was as I am now and I was waiting at Widnes train station. I used to work in Widnes around 10 years ago. As I was waiting, all of the women I've ever had romantic links to arrived, all of the women I've fancied turned up. Some of them recognised me and were happy for me, others I hid from. It was a strange old dream and it got me thinking as to it's meaning. One thing that's held me back in any relationship is my hang ups over how previous relationships didn't work out. Maybe the dream was telling me I need to move on. The train station might have signified that. Maybe I need to get on that train and leave my past behind, move on and lay past ghosts to rest.

This may seem like I'm rambling. To the untrained eye it may seem like I've gone a bit off original topic. Well, The whole moving on thing links in pretty well with recent events in my life. I've met a woman called Maria. She's 32 and we've had two dates so far with a third scheduled for next week. We've only met for coffee so far but we get on and I think she likes me. She's suggested a cinema trip and we're going to go when I'm off work in a few weeks. She is lovely and I do really like her. We're texting every day and I'm being really positive about this. She has got kids, two daughters. The eldest is 8 and the youngest is 18 months. As far as I know she doesn't know about my past and as of writing I'm not exactly sure if or when I'd tell her. Is it something she really needs to know? I did have a sort of rule that if ever a potential relationship got to five dates then I'd tell them. Now I'm not so sure. My main thing now is making sure that she likes me for me and that she can see me for who I am not who I was.

     The reason that these new developments link in with that dream is that I am trying to think positive but I can't help fearing how I'll feel if it all goes wrong. I remember how broken hearted I was after Jamie and how I was left feeling after all of my other potential relationships failed. The trouble with me is that any future romance is riding on the back of a past filled with failure and I need to put all of that to bed. I need to focus on the here and now, focus on the good that could happen rather than the bad.

Magic March!

     It's March the 1st tomorrow and it's a date which always gets me excited. It is of course the month of my birthday. I've always loved birthdays because it's a day which I can truly call my own. Regardless of anything that happens throughout the year, March the 15th is my day and that will never change as long as I live. Over recent years though, March has become a truly magical month for me. It's a month in which good things happen. Let me explain.....

My First Time Out As Emma 
On March the 19th 2008 I went up to Manchester for my first ever time out as Emma. As far as momentus days go this has to be right up there at the top. I can still remember pretty much every aspect of that night right down to the taste of the Salmon I had for my meal. It reaffirmed for me most of what I was going through. I felt right and I felt amongst friends. That night was the first time I'd ever (knowingly) met anyone like me and for the first time in my life I felt like I fitted in.

My First G.I.C. Appointment
I recieved my appointment letter on the 7th January 2010. My appointment was on the 3rd March that same year and that is what started everything for me. Without that appointment then I'm not sure I'd be here today because attending the GIC allowed me to start transition when I did. I attended Nottingham G.I.C. and I have nothing but great things to say about the services (both medical and psychological) that I recieved while under their care.

My G.R.S.
On the 25th March 2013, at aproximately 4pm I underwent Gender Reassignment Surgery at Charing Cross Hospital in London under the care of Mr James Bellringer. As far as events go, that has got to be the biggest. I'm coming up to a year post-op and I still have no regrets what so-ever. My recover was hard but I'm fully recovered now and pretty much loving life.

My G.R.C.
On March 10th 2014 my application for my Gender Recognition Certificate will go before the Gender Recognition Panel in Leicester. Getting my G.R.C. is something I've only really thought about recently and once upon a time I wasn't really that bothered about it. I'm female, I know I'm female and I don't need a piece of paper to prove that. Recently though getting my G.R.C. has gained a huge importance. Looking at my birth certificate I see the word MALE and I don't want that. I want one with FEMALE on it.

So, Magic March is my month pretty much. Hopefully, as regards to my G.R.C., this year will follow that trend. Also with the prospect of romance in the air (the psychic did say I'd meet someone) March could be even more magical than ever!

The Question That Lasted Five Years

     A friend of mine, someone I've known for nearly five years, has recently jetted off to Thailand for her GRS surgery. It's really got me thinking because looking back, when we met, did either of us ever think we'd both end up post-op. The reason I'm saying this is that when we met a question was asked.

     Basically it was July 2009. I had recently 'come out' to my parents and I'd begun seeing a councillor to discuss my gender concerns. One Thursday night I decided to visit a Nottingham based trans support group called the Nottingham Chameleons. As it was my first visit I was looked after by a T-Girl called Lynn. She was lovely and I still read her blog, Y.A.T.G.B. Anyway, another girl I met that night was perhaps the only girl who was anywhere close to my age and she was called Samantha. I can remember being struck with how convincing she looked and at first I thought she was a genetic female. Anyway, the three of us chatted and a question was asked that went along the lines of 'Will you ever go full-time and have the op?'. Lynn was a no go from what I can remember and Samantha agreed in the fact that it would be a deal-breaker as far as their respective relationships were concerned. I said that I thought I would but even I wasn't sure whether it would be possible or not.

     Fast forward nearly five years and I'm coming up to a year post-op and Samantha is in Thailand! It just goes to show that you should never say never! Although we have similar themes to our respective transitions we have different stories to tell. I went the NHS route and although it's a route that worked for me, I would've gone private had I been able to afford it. Saying that, I've had it pretty good on our National Health Service and so I shouldn't be ungrateful. I've had Gender Realignment Surgery, Breast Augmentation Surgery as well as as much support, advice and counselling as I've needed. Also, thinking about it constructively, I'm not sure that I would've been comfortable undergoing such a life changing surgery in a different continent. I got homesick in London for crying out loud! Transition isn't a one size fits all thing though and I'm not sure I could imagine Sam in the bowels of Charing Cross Hospital on F-Bay!

     I can't tell you how excited and pleased for her I am though. GRS is a truly magical and life-affirming experience. It changes you, changes how you see certain things. I would go through it all again if I had too. Saying that I'm not sure I fancy the recovery again, that was hard.

The Last One!

     Hello, me again. I know I don't post as often as I used to but I quite like this way of working my blog these days. I can remember that when I was in the midst of transition a few years ago that I'd post two or three times a week. I actually felt under pressure some times to post, as though missing a day was a sin! Now though I post when I want, or when there is actually something to post about.

     So what's been happening in my world over the past two weeks? Well I've started volunteering at the nursery at a local primary school. I used to go to Highfield Hall myself over twenty years ago and it's the school I'd most like to teach at once I qualify. I just enquired by emailing the head teacher and a few days later I'd secured a voluntary placement. Now just before Christmas I got a voluntary placement at a local special needs school and I only went once. I was perhaps a bit rash in giving up so easy but I just didn't feel like I fit in there. I couldn't really connect with the pupils there because I just couldn't relate to their disabilities. At Highfield Hall it's different. The kids are all pre-school age and I feel I have more to offer them. I've been twice now and I really enjoy it. It's fascinating working with these young kids and I honestly feel good about myself that I'm giving up my own time to do it. There is method behind it though as doing the voluntary work will give me great experience for when I apply to University later on in the year.

     As regards to my transition, I had my appointment at Nottingham G.I.C. last week. It was very productive in that he told me what I need to be aware of as I continue my life. I can still get prostate cancer for example and that's something I may need to tell doctors later on in life. I'll also need to get annual blood tests done and I need to keep an eye on my hormone levels. I've decided not to discharge myself from the G.I.C. just yet although I've not got another appointment with Dr Bouman booked. If I need to see him then I can but it'll be at my discretion. The reason I've not discharged myself fully from the care of the G.I.C. yet is that facial hair removal is part of the new guidelines and I'll need to still be with the G.I.C. to get that. Something that isn't in the new guidelines is Breast Augmentation which means that I could be one of the last trans patients to get B.A. on the NHS. I personally think that B.A. should be available as it's improved my life no end. I feel confident, less self-conscious and like a woman which is surely the aim of transition. Or at least one of the aims of transition!

Does My Future Include A GRC?

     My 2nd post today! I do have quite a lot to catch up on though having not posted since before the New Year! Life in 2014 is going ok so far. College has started back after the Christmas break and I'm working a lot too which is good. One thing did happen before Christmas which wasn't very nice in that I had my purse pinched out of my bag. To cut a very long story short, I was queuing to get into a club and someone went in behind me and swiped my purse. Luckily there was no money in it so they only had my cards, etc. It was upsetting though and it's proved to be a big head ache, what with having to cancel my bank cards and sort out my driving license etc.

     The reason I've mentioned my purse is that it's loss links in directly with the next stage of my transition! I filled out my application for a Gender Recognition Certificate (GRC) today. I've got my two medical reports and I've got my statutory declaration signed by a solicitor. I'm just in the process of gathering the evidence I'll need to prove I've been living as a woman and I need to also send in my driving license. I just need to order a replacement seeing as it was stolen along with my purse. As soon as I get the new one though I should be all set to send in my GRC application. Then it's down to the Gender Recognition Panel whether I get to legally be recognised as a female. It is a pain but it's essentially the last furlong of a very long race. Once I get my GRC and my new birth certificate with it then I'll legally be a woman. It's strange that I need a bit of paper to confirm what I already know but once I do get that piece of paper then my journey through transition will be complete.

     Yesterday I went to see a psychic. I'm quite sceptical about things like that but I do have a very open mind towards it too. I like to believe in things like an afterlife but logic dictates that there isn't one. To think that we all end up in eternity with our loved ones though is a comforting thought. The Psychic is a woman called Di and she's very good. First she started talking about my granddad and that had me sobbing. She told me that my granddad knew that I'd changed things in my life and that I was different to the person he remembered. He was proud of me though and he just wanted me to live my life and be happy. Apparently he was saying 'You're mortal, just live life!'. My granddad died before I even 'came out' to anyone and it's always eaten at me. I just wanted to know what he'd have thought about my transition and whether he'd have accepted it. I think I've gotten my answer. Di then talked about my grandma. Apparently she thought a lot about me and was proud of the way I'd supported my parents in the pub. She was looking out for me. I was still sobbing at this point. It was just the idea that my grandparents were there, it was an amazingly comforting thought. Di then went on to talk about my future. Apparently children are going to feature (possibly through my future teaching career) and I'm going to meet someone this year, possibly in September when I start my next college course. I need to start eating healthier and I need to exercise. She said lots of things and a lot of it rung true in my life. I'm still a sceptic about a lot of things but I'm more of a believer than I was.

2013 - The Year of the Surgeons Knife

     When I saw in 2013 just over a year ago I knew that the coming year would see my dream of waking up a girl come true. I'd had my Gender Reassignment Surgery date set since September 2012 and so I eagerly awaited the 25th March 2013. When it came it was an experience like no other and it changed me. The op itself was fairly straight forward and I went down to theatre at around 3:30pm. I can remember waking up in recovery thinking that I'd woken up in the middle of the op. I was surrounded by doctors and nurses and my first words were simply, 'Is it done?'. Most people claim to cry with happiness the moment they woke from surgery but that never happened with me. I was relieved that I'd woken up, relieved that it was all done but there were no tears, not then at least.

     The following week at Charing Cross Hospital in London was a truly amazing experience. At first I hated it. It was the boredom that got to me and the loneliness. I was on the ward with two other trans patients but in those first couple of days they were very ill following Colon-Vaginplastys. It wasn't until they started to get better during the later part of the week that we all began to connect and share experiences. That meant that those last 3 or 4 days in hospital were fantastic.

     Once I got discharged my recovery began and in those first few weeks it was hard. I really found dilation a struggle and the general process of recovering from a major operation was alien to me. I'm not the most active of people but I like to know that I can do things and suddenly being incapacitated was something I really struggled with.

     My second operation was my Breast Augmentation. It was never something I was expecting but when it was offered I couldn't really turn it down. I'd managed a small B Cup after 3 years on hormones and that wasn't really enough for me. After B.A. I went up to a large C Cup which is much better. The recovery from that op was a bit quicker and I'm pretty much fully recovered now.

     I had my B.A. on the 24th October which was just a day out from the 7 month anniversary of my G.R.S.! Both surgeries were hard in their own ways but I regret neither of them. I'm so much more happier now and I feel that they've benefited my life considerably.

     Some may consider G.R.S. not worthy of NHS funding and I KNOW that there are many who are against B.A. on the NHS for trans patients. In regards to G.R.S. it's no exaggeration to say that it saved my life and surely that is the purpose of the NHS. In regards to B.A. my life is so much better since and surely that is also a purpose of the NHS. I've paid my national insurance and taxes for the past fifteen years so why shouldn't I get treatment on the NHS that both saved and improved my life?!

    So, 2013, what a year, what a truly amazing year! However great it was though, 2014 promises to be just as amazing. I've set the ball rolling regarding my Gender Recognition Certificate which will give me a new birth certificate with Female on it. I've got my exams in June and I should (hopefully) be starting my Access course in September. This should coincide with the start of the application process for University in 2015! That's a scary thought. This time last year I hadn't given a second thought about going back to school and now I'm thinking about University! In fact I can actually say that I could be starting at University next year. Now that IS a scary thought!! All in all 2014 is a year full of possibility and that's my kind of year!