A Life Back On Track

It's definately been a stressful start to 2013. I really hope that the rest of the year is slightly more stress free! A couple of weeks ago I posted about my work worries and how things were quickly turning 'sour'. I also mentioned about an option that I had of a possible job in Devon. Well, last Monday I drove the 240 miles down to see the place and have an interview. It was a hellish drive in parts, it really was. The weather was quite bad with the snow and sleet and the fact that I spent 220 miles on the motorway made it quite a boring drive too. I can remember getting to Bristol and thinking that I must be nearly there before looking at the sat nav, only to see that I had another 70 miles to go!

I arrived at around 3ish in the afternoon and I was soon chatting away to the owner of the pub, Julie. She (along with her husband Gary) knew me in my 'old life' and she had one or two questions as she showed me to my room for the night. I just relaxed for the next few hours before I did an evening shift in the kitchen. Afterwards I had a few drinks in the bar with Gary. It was nice to catch up again after 5 years! I used to spend a lot of time in Gary's pub in Bakewell and so the level of acceptance I was now receiving was great. It did really feel like old times, but better.

The next morning I had my breakfast before I had a little stroll around Bovey Tracy. It's a nice village and reminded me a lot of Bakewell. It's literally in the shadow of Dartmoor. When I got back I had my interview. I hate interviews, always have. I did well though, gave all the right answers. The one sticking point was my op though. 10 weeks is a lot of time to have off so I could totally see their point. Driving back I knew that if I didn't get the job, then that would be the reason why.

The next day (Wednesday) I waited for the call. It was a call that would either make the next year easy or make things even more complicated than they were. If I got the job then I could actually start looking forward to my op. I would be ok financially and wouldn't have to worry about sick pay. If I didn't get the job then I'd basically be back to square one. At just past 7pm I got the call and thankfully they offered me the job! It's essentially sorted my life out after an extremely uncertain time. I move down on the 28th January and for the first few months I'll be living in which means I'll save on Petrol. I'll also save on rent and so financially I'm pretty much sorted. They are also ok about my surgery and my time off.

After I got the job I actually found out an interesting bit of info. Basically, the place I'm leaving has new managers now and they've got their own chef! Had I not got the job, I'd have lost my current job anyway, been out on my ear! As it is, I've kept my pride because I'm leaving on my own terms. It's funny how timing works sometimes. I am annoyed though. Despite my hard work, despite the fact that I did December on my own in that kitchen, I'd have been slung out on the scrap heap. How dare they! I have got a couple of things in mind, just to leave my mark. Not saying too much but I still have control, sole control, over the Facebook page of the pub, a page that has 100+ followers. Let's just say that those followers will be in no doubt of my disdain for the people in charge. After I've received my final wage of course lol.

For me, I get a new start, a brand new start. It couldn't be happening at a more perfect time, this move to Devon. I just want to get started.

My Time To Wade In, Finally!

     Twitter has been going wild today in response to a 'certain' article published in The Observer and on the Guardian Website. Those within the trans community will be aware of which article I speak of because it has caused such an uproar! It is of course a justified response to what is, essentially, a hate filled rant against EVERY trans individual. For those not in the know, this article can be found on Google. I refuse to allow a link from this blog! Just type in the authors name, a certain Julie Burchill, and you'll come to it quickly enough.

     The story behind the article is that a journalist by the name of Suzanne Moore made a comment regarding Brazilian Transsexuals. As the murder rate among young transsexual women in Brazil is extremely high this comment provoked an angry reaction on Twitter. This prompted more comments from Moore and in the end she quit Twitter. We then jump forward and Burchill's reaction to her friends treatment at the hands of a 'bunch of dicks in chicks clothing.' (her words I hasten to add!). Now I try to keep an open mind where the media is concerned. I understand that there are two sides to everything and that it's important that the media gives both sides. There is a line though, a line beyond which it becomes pure hate-mongering and Burchill's article falls well within that category. It is so misinformed, so blatantly nasty as to be akin to something from the dark ages. 'bed wetters in bad wigs.' and 'Shims, Shemales, whatever you're calling yourselves these days...' are just some of the things she says. The truth is that Burchill is renouned for being an attention seeking ultra-feminist so we should maybe expect nothing less. Her 'fame' has been on the wane for some time and this article will give her some much needed attention. I try and keep this blog to my own personal life journey and often refuse to comment on the wider coverage of trans issues. There's enough bloggers out there better equipped to post about things like this. Here I am though, breaking my own personal rule and as such providing Burchill with that little extra coverage. The truth of the matter is that this article hit me pretty hard and it brought a lot of things home to me and I'm sure that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

     Who is to blame though? If Moore had only apologised for her first comment then maybe this whole episode would never have happened and Burchill wouldn't have had reason to vent her hate-filled anger. Of course, there is no excuse whatsoever for writing such an article, especially in a time when how the trans community is reported within the media is increasingly under the spotlight. Ultimately, the article should never have been allowed to see the light of day and because it did, the publishers have to be brought to account. In this case the publishers are the Guardian Media Group. Now bear in mind that this same Media Group have been publishing articles by a certain Juliet Jacques for the past 2 years! Ms Jacques is an extremely vocal member of the transgender community and even documented her own transition in The Guardian! How the same group can then publish Burchills rant is beyond me. 

     This is something that is sure to carry on in the coming weeks. Twitter has been crazy with it all day it really has. Many of the top commentators within the community such as Juliet Jacques, Paris Lees, Roz Kaveney and Patrick Strudwick (to name but a small section) have had their say. Even M.P. Lynn Featherstone has waded in voicing her condemnation at the publication of such an article! Ultimately this could prove to be a true watershed moment as what happens next could be extremely telling in the communities continued fight against bigotry and hatred. I know of a huge amount of complaints that have already been made and I'm positive that the powers that be will find it extremely tough to ignore this.

I Should've Walked and Other Benefits of Hindsight!

     At the beginning of December my bosses walked out. The pub was then taken on by the owner of the building and I was made Head Chef. At the time I requested a pay rise in line with my extra work load and responsibilities and was told that I'd get one in January. In the mean time I'd get paid for any overtime I did. I accepted this because I was happy at being given the opportunity of running my own kitchen. Finally I'd made Head Chef.

     Fast forward six weeks and I'm now looking at being out of work just two months before my surgery! Basically the owner of the building wants to get the pub off his hands as soon as possible. It's for that reason that I'm not going to be given my pay rise anytime soon, nor can I expect a contract. Essentially I'm a going concern within the business so were he to give me a pay rise, that would make it more difficult to sell the pub as the new owner would have to honour my wages. The rumour mill is that that new owner could be a guy called Rupe. He's a big influence in the village, down to his fathers wealth, and wants to add the pub to his 'empire'. Were he to get the pub then I'd almost certainly be out of a job. His plans would be to do ping-ping meals at cheap prices which would mean the end of me. The owner is having a meeting with Rupe tomorrow so I should know whats happening by Wednesday.

     I'm terrified because this could not be happening at the worst time. Basically I need to find a new job then I need to expect that new employer to be ok with me having three months off soon! It is a nightmare, absolute nightmare! I really wish I'd walked at the start of December because I feel really used. I worked December on my own in that kitchen, kept the doors open and I could be left high and dry. It's so unfair, so unbelievably unfair! Financially I could be screwed. I need some money to be put aside to pay my bills and I need some form of sick pay while I'm off. My car finance, dept management, car insurance and phone bill will not pay themselves, I am so scared.

     I'm really trying not to panic, trying to be positive. It is so hard though, I just want to cry. I'm not sleeping and the stress is making me ill. I will get through this, I know that. I have a habit of surviving don't I. I do have options. The old landlady of my local when I lived in Bakewell has been in touch. Her and her husband, Gary, have now got a place in Bovey Tracy which is near Devon. It's around four hours drive away so not a straightforward commute. They're looking for a Chef and I know that the job would be mine if I wanted it. They'd probably even accommodate the three months off. Whats more, they knew me before, in my old life, so would look after me. Had I not got the op coming up I would be down there like a shot. Ultimately, despite the distance, it would be the best option for me. The other option is that I look for a job closer to home and put myself on the line again. This should not be happening now, it really shouldn't! It's like the perfect storm of crap has struck and I honestly have no idea what to do, no idea! I should be thinking about the biggest day of my life, that should be taking up my energies, not having to sort this out!

2012 in Review-part 2-Transition

I sat and drunk my champagne. I'd gotten myself one of those small, one glass bottles. I reflected on what had been a very quiet year. Nothing much had happened in my life in 2011. In previous years I'd had at least one big event to talk about but 2011 had offered nothing. I looked towards 2012 and smiled. I think that I knew that this year would be a return to form and looking back it's certainly not disappointed.

As I begun 2012 I had a slight hope that it would be the year in which I had the op. a part of me was actually quite nervous about the possibility of it being in 2013 due to my concern at the number 13. It's stupid I know but I've always been wary of that particular number, I don't know why. As I hit 30 I had yet another appointment at Nottingham GIC. It was at this appointment that a date was set for my second opinion appointment. To gain a surgery referral on the NHS you need recommendation letters from 2 psychologists. In other GIC's you have to go to a different GIC for the 2nd recommendation. In Nottingham they do it all in house as it's such a big GIC. My appointment was set for the 11th June and that 3 months didn't half drag. As the day grew closer I began to get so nervous. I kept thinking what if they didn't refer me. It was a terrifying thought and it kept me awake on many a night. Soon the day arrived and I headed into Nottingham for my appointment. I needn't have worried as I got my referral. I was told to expect a long wait as the waiting lists for CHX were starting to pile up.

It was in August when I got a phone all off my mum. I was just finishing up in work when she called me to tell me that she thought my CHX appointment had arrived. I drove home as quick as I could and tore open the letter and it was my appointment. I was to go to CHX on the 20th September for my referral appointment. Basically it was to check my eligibility for surgery. I was so excited and on the morning of Thursday 20th September I boarded the train at Chesterfield.

The appointment lasted all of 10 minutes. I saw Dr Bellringer and he ran through everything with me. It was obvious he did these kinds of appointment a lot as everything was done in almost military fashion. He examined the 'area' and I was put on his surgery waiting list there and then. I was so happy!

I spent the rest of the day doing a spot of sightseeing. I saw Buckingham Palace, Trafalgar Square, Tower Bridge and The Tower of London. It was an amazing day out and one I'll never forget.

I had to wait another four days until I got my official surgery date. I got the call on Monday 24th September from CHX admissions. At first I got offered a cancellation which fell on the 25th November 2012. I was so tempted to accept it but I knew that logically it would be difficult. It was extremely reluctantly that I had to refuse that date although I knew it was for the best. The date she ended up allocating me was for the 25th March 2013, six months away! It felt like a lifetime away!

For the following three months I began planning things. I got a big box and I began filling it with things I'd need for the hospital stay and post-op recovery. Now, over three months have passed and I'm just 82 days away from surgery. It's really starting to be real now. Next month I have my Pre-surgical assessments at CHX which means another trip down to London and five weeks after that I'll have the op! The next big thing is stopping hormones which I do in six weeks and that's something I'm dreading. When I first started hormones I got it bad with mood swings and I'm a bit scared that it'll be a bit of a repeat performance. All in all though, 2013 looks to be a huge year in my life and I honestly can not wait for the coming months.