In Another Universe I'm In Recovery

The fear of the number 17 is called 'heptadecaphobia' or 'heptakaidekaphobia

Some Ear Rings I made.

This week I lost 1.5 lbs and I'm kinda ok with that. I'm now down 6.5 lbs in a fortnight and I have noticed. My face looks a bit more slender and my belly appears to be shrinking. I feel slightly better too as being on this diet has caused me to be a bit more active. Its all for the greater good though as the op date creeps ever closer. It's less than 17 weeks now! In other news, I've enjoyed making some jewelry. It's really relaxing and therapeutic and I am getting quite good at it. I've even set up a store on Etsy.com to try and sell some. I'm hoping that it will help to while away the long days during my 12 week lay off from work next year. Talking about work, Christmas month starts on Saturday. In my trade (I'm a Chef for new readers) it is always the busiest time of year and so I dread it. My Christmas gets severely limited so I'm actually yearning for around 5pm on New Years Day. We close for a week then so I get a week off work. Also, once Christmas is out of the way, time will fly before my op date on the 25th March.

     When I got the call from admissions at CHX in September I offered 2 dates, the one I took and the 25th November 2012. It didn't escape my notice that the 25th fell on the other day and I kinda had mixed feelings about it. Most people in my position would've taken the earlier date like a shot. Truth be told, had I been at my last job, I would've. I had my reasons for taking the later date. Financially it gives me more time to get a bit of money behind me. It gives me more time to prepare in terms of physical things I'll need. I couldn't leave my present bosses in the lurch by taking Christmas off. Despite the fact that it makes total sense to have my op in March I still couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment. I would've been whole by now, woken up to a dream come true. I would be facing the months of recovery now rather than be still 4 months away from it. I know that when March comes I'll look back at things and I know that I'll be happy that I waited. 

   

The Means To The End

     What a week it's been! If you read my last post then you'll be aware that last Monday I joined Weight Watchers. With my surgery looming on the horizon I've been aware that I could do with dropping a few pounds. Being a Chef though that is easier said than done. When you're surrounded by food for 12 hours a day, dieting becomes very difficult! I've been really good, watched what I've eaten. My main problem was that I tended to nibble and I have little doubt that this contributed to the 2 stone I put on in the past 7 months. When I weighed in last week I was 13st 12lb and in my first week I've dropped 5lb! I know it's only my first weigh in but I'm really chuffed and it's given me the confidence to believe that I can do this. If I can get down to 11st 7Ib by the time of the op then I'll be happy.

     Tonight I read another 'final post'. These days, as some of my fellow bloggers have their ops, I seem to be reading more and more 'final posts'. They reach a point when they feel they no longer need to blog and that's great. This blogger is a lady called Lisa and we followed a similar route early on. When I first got referred to Notts GIC she was a couple of months in front of me at the same GIC. In the end she ended up going to Thailand for her op and so had it in July to coincide with her completing her RLE. In her final post she talks about her life following transition and how shes living the 'normal' life she's always dreamed of. She sees transition as a process, as a means to an end and I actually agree with her. For me, transition is this part of the journey I'm on now. It began when I went full-time and will end when I feel I'm living that normal life. Whether that's a month after surgery or 6 months after, only I can know that.
     When I read a post like that it kinda upsets me. It is like saying goodbye to a friend. The thing is that once you have the op, moving on is the natural progression. I feel really happy for them but also really jealous. I want my surgery to be tomorrow, that is the top and bottom of it. I want to be living that normal life. I say that, I am living a normal life. I do everything a normal 30 year old woman would do. I have no problems at all, in fact I pass 100% of the time! Ok, there are certain things I can't do such as swim and dating has certain issues attached to it. I do live a normal life though. Truth be told, to live a normal life I don't even need the op! I guess that the fact that I do need the op only reaffirms my gender dysphoria and only goes to prove that diagnosis.

     When it comes down to it I am happy for women like Lisa who get the chance to write a 'final post' as that only shows that what we go through, the sacrifices we make, the battles we fight can be worth it if we achieve our aims in life.
     For me, my current aim is to continue knocking off the days. I'm now down to 125 days and when you consider that it was 180 odd when I got my date, it is going fast. Had I accepted the cancellation I was offered, I'd be less than a week away so that is playing on my mind a bit. Once I get Christmas out of the way, the time will really fly!

     

Time To Get Thin!

19 weeks to go, finally I'm into the teens! It does seem like I'm really knocking down the days. I've had a good week on the whole. My Pre-op appointments are only 98 days away so that that's good. Double figures look a lot better than triple figures! Last week I decided I needed a hobby, well I decided that weeks ago to be honest. A part of my thinking is that I'll need as many things to keep me occupied next year as possible. Despite my need to get active NOW, I've been looking at things that I can do without moving much as I know that for the first weeks after the op I'm going to be pretty stationary. I looked at knitting, sewing, I looked at all sorts. In the end I've decided to give jewellery making a go. I've got a cheap starter kit from eBay and today I've been having a bit of a practice. I'll let you know how it goes. With my op date sliding into view the fact that I need to lose weight has been praying on my mind a bit. I'm not fat but I could definitely do with losing a few pounds, to aid with the recovery process more than anything. I've joined weight watchers anyway, so we'll see how it goes. I'll be happy if I can drop a dress size.

The Longest Time.

One of the things I've done to get myself prepared is to put a lot of info onto my IPad. I've taken screenshots of everything and organised it all into an album so I can read it easier and in order. I realised one thing last night though, I realised how desperate I am to have the op. Don't get me wrong, I've been desperate for it ages. Now though, it's the NEXT thing. Before, I always had the next target. More often than not, especially in the last two years, the next target was another GIC appointment. These appointments were often pretty pointless in the grand scheme of things. I didn't get a great deal out of them but they were necessary to ensure a smooth RLE and to ensure I made it through the GIC process. They were a target I had to aim for and they prevented me from realising how far the end target was. I'm lucky, I know that. My transition has been far quicker than a lot get it. Everybody's experience is relative to each individual though and I personally would've struggled with a longer wait. Knowing I still have a while yet means that I get depressed when I read my info. Im kinda at that stage when I'm over the euphoria of actually getting a surgery date and I'm still too far away from the date to really picture it. Each night, on my way home from work, I utter three words. I say these words at right round the same part of my journey too. I smile and I say 'Another day down.' I know that I'm another day closer. On a Thursday I'll imagine driving home at that moment, weeks from then, as I drive home from work for the last time for 12 weeks. I'll imagine how I'll feel knowing that I'm just 4 days from having the op. It's thinking things like this that get me through the time, get me through this wait. I do get a little bit depressed sometimes. I know that I will have the surgery but I still can't quite imagine having it if you know what I mean. It's a weird feeling. The trouble is that I can remember feeling like this before I went full-time. I had that date in my mind but the months before it just seemed to drag and I'd get so depressed. That happened ok though and I'm sure that my surgery will get here and when it does I'll look back on now, look back on these moments and smile. One thing that is getting me through the wait is my big pink box. It's my box of stuff I'm collecting for my hospital stay and the following recovery period. I've got baby wipes, nappy sacks, panty liners, Cotton Pantys, bubble bath, shower gel, a couple of flannels, a towel, ear plugs, a couple of toiletry bags, toothbrush and my douching kit. To say that I'm determined to be prepared is perhaps a mild understatement. I've got a checklist and each month I get some more supplies. To be honest, I don't need a lot more although I've already just about filled my box! If anyone has any tips on what I may need or what helped you with recovery or the hospital stay, just let me know. Any help is greatly appreciated.

A Mermaid Incarnate?

     20 weeks to go, 20 weeks to go!!! On Friday I'll be a quarter of the way there! It is crazy, and I know that I say that (or at least words to that effect) every blog post these days, but it is going so fast. As of writing, it's round round 4am so in 20 weeks time I'll only be a couple of hours from beginning the biggest day of my life. I keep imagining what it'll be like to wake up on that day. I have my presumptions over what will happen but I'm sure that it'll be different. I've read a lot of different accounts regarding the GRS experience and there is one thing that links then all together and that each convey. GRS is an incredibly personal experience that you can prepare for but you can't understand until you've experienced it. I want to be part of that exclusive club, that club that can live their lives. I am essentially in a state of limbo and now I know when I'll be 'free' that sense of limbo has kinda increased. That's why I am literally counting down the hours (3373 hours 22 minutes). I've not just worked that out by the way, I have an app on my IPad!

     I can't wait to swim, I really can't. I never thought I'd miss swimming but I do. It's one of the things I'm looking forward to doing after the op. I used to love swimming. I can remember when I first began cheffing and I started doing split shifts. I'd have around 3-4 hours to kill in he afternoon so I started popping down to the local baths. It's the only form of exercise that I actually enjoy. I love being in the water. When I worked in Spain I used to spend a lot of time snorkelling, I loved it. Obviously, being in skimpy swim wear is off the table, at least until I don't have that bulge. I can safely say that once I've had the op and recovered, one of the first things I'll do is go swimming.

     In other news, I've started wearing eyeliner and it's made a difference, especially now that I know how to apply it without poking my eye out! Every day is a school day when you're transitioning.