2012 in Review-part 1-Love

I always look forward to these posts. They allow me to look back over the year and I'm often amazed at how far I've come. In previous years, these reviews have been full of amazing moments such as 2009 when I 'came out' to my mum. That year culminated in me attending the works staff party as Emma and set this whole thing in motion. 2010 was the year in which I began living as Emma full-time. That year was a truly amazing one and is probably one of the most important years of my life so far. Hopefully next year will become the most important year yet as I'm scheduled to have my GRS in March!

This year has been huge in its own right. 2011 was a bit quiet in the grand scheme of things but 2012 has been as eventful as you can get. It started off like any other year. I toasted the year in, sat by myself, with a glass of champagne. Im not sure what I hoped 2012 would be like. I think I had a slight hope that by this time I'd be recovering post-op.

For the first few months I lived my life as normal. I did start online dating and that's how I met my first boyfriend. I started online dating as a sort of experiment. I wanted to dip my feet into the water, see what kind of reaction I would get. I didn't mention anything about my trans status on my profile because I kinda felt I didn't need to. I didn't think I'd ever get as far as meeting someone. Towards the middle of February I began chatting to a lad called Jamie. He was fairly local and we had a fair bit in common. Pretty soon he suggested meeting up. I put him off but pretty soon I decided to tell him so I texted him saying that I was trans. He was fine about it. I don't think that he realised, at that point, that I was Pre-op. I added him on Facebook and we met up. We went walking up near Matlock. It was a great day out and we must've walked miles. A few weeks after that we arranged to go out for a night in Nottingham. It was a wonderful night out and towards the end we kissed for the first time. It was at that point that I decided I needed to be completely open with him so, in tears as I waited for my bus home, I told him exactly where I was in my transition.

A few days later we started texting each other again and we met up. We soon grew really close and every week we would meet up and go out. We would go out in Nottingham or walking in the middle of nowhere. It was the perfect summer. We soon booked a weekend away in Blackpool for the middle of August, it was perfect. Towards the end of July though, the storm clouds began to gather and Jamie started behaving a bit funny. He would take so much to heart. Then, over the course of a weekend, we broke up. It was in the cruelest of ways, by a text message from him. In the days afterwards I cried so much. I would cry in my car on my way to work, at work whenever I was alone, in bed at night. It was awful, truly rotten. At first I was confused as he seemed so in love with me. We would make plans for the future and he was so supportive over the whole trans thing. It just didn't seem to bother him. Around the time he dumped me, he told his parents about my trans status and I fully believe that they pressurised him. Pretty quickly my feeling of loss turned to hate and I wouldn't want anything to do with him again.

The thing with Jamie was a huge part of 2012. I was in a relationship and I enjoyed it. Despite the way it ended we were good together and it was a much needed thing in my life. It has taught me one or two things though.

Since Jamie, I've gained one or two admirers in work. We have a regular called Dan. He's a lovely guy but he do enjoy a drink and when he's had a few he can come across as a bit of a prat. Off the drink though, he is the nicest guy you could meet. I know he likes me for a few reasons, none of which I'm going to divulge here. There's another regular called Rick. Apparently the other night he asked my friend Bex if I was single! Like Dan, Rick is lovely. The only thing with Rick is that he's only 22 so he's too young. There are one or two other admirers so I know that going into 2013 I might not be short of offers. None of them know about my trans status so it's kinda nice knowing that they like me as a woman, that they see me as female.

to be continued.......

I Was The One Who Could Do Better

14 is the section that you go to when you die in the Grailquest books.

This week has been a bit easier at work. I've gotten to grips with what it takes to be a Head Chef and the paperwork isn't so much of a shock. I've got a couple of Kitchen Porters so my work load has been cut down a bit. This week is due to be harder though. With next week being Christmas Week, my suppliers delivery dates are a bit all over the place so I'm putting in my orders tomorrow for the new year! Despite that I am enjoying it a bit more than I did at first. It's nice to have my own dishes on the menu and to be able to present them how I want.

The other week I had a phone call. I glanced at the caller id and it was Jamie, as in my ex Jamie. I'm not exactly sure why I never deleted his number, I guess I just forgot. I'm so glad that I did keep his number though because had I deleted it I'd have answered the phone. I wouldn't have known it was Jamie until I answered! I personally think that he'd been out (it was 11:00pm on a Saturday) and he'd realised how lonely he is. There's not a chance I'd get back with him but hearing his voice would've stirred the old memories back up. Just knowing that he'd called, seeing his name on the caller id, reopened some old wounds. I remembered how he treated me at the end and how he text-dumped me. For a moment I felt pity but that was quickly replaced by a certain self satisfaction  When he ended it I told him that he'd regret it and I really do believe that he is. I think that he thought he could do better when he dumped me. I gave him confidence and so he thought that he could do better. The truth is that he couldn't do better, I could. 

     Truth be told, I'm enjoying the single life. I'm made peace with the fact that I should probably wait until after the op before I commit to anyone. That's not to say that I don't have one or two admirers. I've gotten to know a few of the regulars at work and I know that should I decide to be with someone I wouldn't be short of offers.

     

Head Chef and Off Christmas Day! Are You Being Serious?!

15 is the number corresponding to The Devil in tarot cards

So, my first week as Head Chef. It's been a hard week, that's for sure. I've had to meet some reps to get the suppliers I want and I've had to employ some staff. I've revamped the menus to do the kind of food I think will sell and I've moved the kitchen around to suit how I work. It's not been the easiest of weeks, that's for sure. The biggest shock has been the mountains of paper work. Because I've revamped the menus, I've had to cost everything. Basically I have to take a dish and write down each individual ingredients. For example I've put a Burger on the new menu. I have split it into ingredients, like the mince for the Burger, the cheese, the burger bun, etc. I then have to work out how much each ingredient costs. I get the cheese in 2.4kg blocks for £10.75 and I'll put maybe 40g on a burger (approximately) so I have to work out how much that 40g of cheese costs (18p by the way). Once I've done this with each ingredient I add the totals together to come up with a total 'cost to make' figure for the dish. I then have to work out how much I need to sell the dish for to make a profit taking into account VAT and the GP I need to reach. It's really not just about writing a menu, it's all the other bits. On top of doing the costings I've had to operate a working kitchen on my own and so I was ready for my day off today, let me tell you.

Despite the hard work and stress involved with my first week, things aren't all bad. We are now closing on Christmas Day so I get only my 2nd Christmas Day off in 14 years! I can actually look forward to Christmas for a change! On Christmas Eve we are doing a free buffet so I shouldn't be too late finished on that night and we are doing a free buffet on New Years Eve too so I should be able to finish reasonable early that night. I'm planning on having a few drinks then, let me tell you. It is nice being able to look forward to the festive period for a change.

Today is Monday and so weigh in day. Last week I mentioned about losing 3.5lb to reach my first stone. Throughout the week the diet has pretty much gone out of the window. I haven't eaten lots but point counting was the last thing on my mind. I would've been happy with a pound but I'm down to that stone mark! I lost 3.5lb! That means that I've lost a stone in 4 weeks and I'm so proud of myself. I have no doubt that the stress has contributed and I am planning on enjoying myself at Christmas. If I can lose another 5lb before Christmas in 2 weeks I'll have a nice cushion to take me into the new year.
With all of what's been happening with work my mind has drifted from thoughts of my op. It's only 15 weeks away and on Friday I'll only be 100 days away from my op. It'll be nice to get down to double figures although it'll be even better to get down to single ones!

Squeaky Bum Time, Sink or Swim

16 is one of 'the numbers' in the television series, Lost

What a crazy week it's been, a true roller coaster of a week. Regular readers of this blog will know that in April I left my last job and started work at a newly opened restaurant/pub. It was the first job I got as Emma and was a huge step for me to take. I went in as Sous Chef and for the past 7 months I've worked hard and (as we were only a small team) we all grew close to each other. It actually became like a big family. On Wednesday I was told by my 2 bosses (a couple. He was the Head Chef and she was the landlady) that they were leaving and that the guy that owned the building was taking over. We had been quiet but October-November are quiet months in catering. It seems that they just didn't want to sink more money into the place and are actually thinking about going travelling next year. It was a huge shock though and left me in a bit of a confused state. On one hand I was devestated to see my friends go and last week was mainly spent with me in tears at various times throughout the days. On the other hand I feared for my own job and actually felt guilty at the thought that rather than get rid of me, I might be made Head Chef. To me, it felt like I was profiting from my friends misfortune. On Sunday I finally had a meeting with the owner of the building and his wife and I was made Head Chef (it'll be reviewed in January). I still feel really guilty about this but it is what I've aimed for my entire career. Every chef dreams of the day when they get to take control of their own kitchen. They dream of putting their own menus on and deciding who they want to order off. It is the pinnacle and I've got that now. I just never wanted it like this. I know that my friends are happy for me, they get to go travelling anyway. I just need to throw myself into it.

     There are one or two doubts but I think that's only to be expected. December is a crazy time to become Head Chef and (in the words of Sir Alex Ferguson) it is squeaky bum time. I basically have two options, sink or swim, and I intend on staying afloat for as long as possible. I've already started putting together a few menus and I'm trying to sort out my suppliers. I have in mind a particular butcher I've had dealings with in the past who I'd like to use. It is all go at the moment and I'm really determined to establish myself in my new role.

     With all of this going off I haven't been particularly good where the diets concerned. I guess other things were more important. I was fully expecting to have put weight on but I actually lost weight! I'm now 4 lb lighter than I was last week. I've lost 10.5 lb in 3 weeks which is something I'm so proud of. If I can lose 3.5 lb in this next week then that'll be a stone in 4 weeks which will be amazing. I am really happy with myself although it hasn't been easy. I've not had a glass of wine in 3 weeks, or a KFC! I just need to keep the momentum going. My aim was to get down to 11 stone by the time of my op next March and that is achievable now and will hopefully contribute to a good recovery

In Another Universe I'm In Recovery

The fear of the number 17 is called 'heptadecaphobia' or 'heptakaidekaphobia

Some Ear Rings I made.

This week I lost 1.5 lbs and I'm kinda ok with that. I'm now down 6.5 lbs in a fortnight and I have noticed. My face looks a bit more slender and my belly appears to be shrinking. I feel slightly better too as being on this diet has caused me to be a bit more active. Its all for the greater good though as the op date creeps ever closer. It's less than 17 weeks now! In other news, I've enjoyed making some jewelry. It's really relaxing and therapeutic and I am getting quite good at it. I've even set up a store on Etsy.com to try and sell some. I'm hoping that it will help to while away the long days during my 12 week lay off from work next year. Talking about work, Christmas month starts on Saturday. In my trade (I'm a Chef for new readers) it is always the busiest time of year and so I dread it. My Christmas gets severely limited so I'm actually yearning for around 5pm on New Years Day. We close for a week then so I get a week off work. Also, once Christmas is out of the way, time will fly before my op date on the 25th March.

     When I got the call from admissions at CHX in September I offered 2 dates, the one I took and the 25th November 2012. It didn't escape my notice that the 25th fell on the other day and I kinda had mixed feelings about it. Most people in my position would've taken the earlier date like a shot. Truth be told, had I been at my last job, I would've. I had my reasons for taking the later date. Financially it gives me more time to get a bit of money behind me. It gives me more time to prepare in terms of physical things I'll need. I couldn't leave my present bosses in the lurch by taking Christmas off. Despite the fact that it makes total sense to have my op in March I still couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment. I would've been whole by now, woken up to a dream come true. I would be facing the months of recovery now rather than be still 4 months away from it. I know that when March comes I'll look back at things and I know that I'll be happy that I waited. 

   

The Means To The End

     What a week it's been! If you read my last post then you'll be aware that last Monday I joined Weight Watchers. With my surgery looming on the horizon I've been aware that I could do with dropping a few pounds. Being a Chef though that is easier said than done. When you're surrounded by food for 12 hours a day, dieting becomes very difficult! I've been really good, watched what I've eaten. My main problem was that I tended to nibble and I have little doubt that this contributed to the 2 stone I put on in the past 7 months. When I weighed in last week I was 13st 12lb and in my first week I've dropped 5lb! I know it's only my first weigh in but I'm really chuffed and it's given me the confidence to believe that I can do this. If I can get down to 11st 7Ib by the time of the op then I'll be happy.

     Tonight I read another 'final post'. These days, as some of my fellow bloggers have their ops, I seem to be reading more and more 'final posts'. They reach a point when they feel they no longer need to blog and that's great. This blogger is a lady called Lisa and we followed a similar route early on. When I first got referred to Notts GIC she was a couple of months in front of me at the same GIC. In the end she ended up going to Thailand for her op and so had it in July to coincide with her completing her RLE. In her final post she talks about her life following transition and how shes living the 'normal' life she's always dreamed of. She sees transition as a process, as a means to an end and I actually agree with her. For me, transition is this part of the journey I'm on now. It began when I went full-time and will end when I feel I'm living that normal life. Whether that's a month after surgery or 6 months after, only I can know that.
     When I read a post like that it kinda upsets me. It is like saying goodbye to a friend. The thing is that once you have the op, moving on is the natural progression. I feel really happy for them but also really jealous. I want my surgery to be tomorrow, that is the top and bottom of it. I want to be living that normal life. I say that, I am living a normal life. I do everything a normal 30 year old woman would do. I have no problems at all, in fact I pass 100% of the time! Ok, there are certain things I can't do such as swim and dating has certain issues attached to it. I do live a normal life though. Truth be told, to live a normal life I don't even need the op! I guess that the fact that I do need the op only reaffirms my gender dysphoria and only goes to prove that diagnosis.

     When it comes down to it I am happy for women like Lisa who get the chance to write a 'final post' as that only shows that what we go through, the sacrifices we make, the battles we fight can be worth it if we achieve our aims in life.
     For me, my current aim is to continue knocking off the days. I'm now down to 125 days and when you consider that it was 180 odd when I got my date, it is going fast. Had I accepted the cancellation I was offered, I'd be less than a week away so that is playing on my mind a bit. Once I get Christmas out of the way, the time will really fly!

     

Time To Get Thin!

19 weeks to go, finally I'm into the teens! It does seem like I'm really knocking down the days. I've had a good week on the whole. My Pre-op appointments are only 98 days away so that that's good. Double figures look a lot better than triple figures! Last week I decided I needed a hobby, well I decided that weeks ago to be honest. A part of my thinking is that I'll need as many things to keep me occupied next year as possible. Despite my need to get active NOW, I've been looking at things that I can do without moving much as I know that for the first weeks after the op I'm going to be pretty stationary. I looked at knitting, sewing, I looked at all sorts. In the end I've decided to give jewellery making a go. I've got a cheap starter kit from eBay and today I've been having a bit of a practice. I'll let you know how it goes. With my op date sliding into view the fact that I need to lose weight has been praying on my mind a bit. I'm not fat but I could definitely do with losing a few pounds, to aid with the recovery process more than anything. I've joined weight watchers anyway, so we'll see how it goes. I'll be happy if I can drop a dress size.

The Longest Time.

One of the things I've done to get myself prepared is to put a lot of info onto my IPad. I've taken screenshots of everything and organised it all into an album so I can read it easier and in order. I realised one thing last night though, I realised how desperate I am to have the op. Don't get me wrong, I've been desperate for it ages. Now though, it's the NEXT thing. Before, I always had the next target. More often than not, especially in the last two years, the next target was another GIC appointment. These appointments were often pretty pointless in the grand scheme of things. I didn't get a great deal out of them but they were necessary to ensure a smooth RLE and to ensure I made it through the GIC process. They were a target I had to aim for and they prevented me from realising how far the end target was. I'm lucky, I know that. My transition has been far quicker than a lot get it. Everybody's experience is relative to each individual though and I personally would've struggled with a longer wait. Knowing I still have a while yet means that I get depressed when I read my info. Im kinda at that stage when I'm over the euphoria of actually getting a surgery date and I'm still too far away from the date to really picture it. Each night, on my way home from work, I utter three words. I say these words at right round the same part of my journey too. I smile and I say 'Another day down.' I know that I'm another day closer. On a Thursday I'll imagine driving home at that moment, weeks from then, as I drive home from work for the last time for 12 weeks. I'll imagine how I'll feel knowing that I'm just 4 days from having the op. It's thinking things like this that get me through the time, get me through this wait. I do get a little bit depressed sometimes. I know that I will have the surgery but I still can't quite imagine having it if you know what I mean. It's a weird feeling. The trouble is that I can remember feeling like this before I went full-time. I had that date in my mind but the months before it just seemed to drag and I'd get so depressed. That happened ok though and I'm sure that my surgery will get here and when it does I'll look back on now, look back on these moments and smile. One thing that is getting me through the wait is my big pink box. It's my box of stuff I'm collecting for my hospital stay and the following recovery period. I've got baby wipes, nappy sacks, panty liners, Cotton Pantys, bubble bath, shower gel, a couple of flannels, a towel, ear plugs, a couple of toiletry bags, toothbrush and my douching kit. To say that I'm determined to be prepared is perhaps a mild understatement. I've got a checklist and each month I get some more supplies. To be honest, I don't need a lot more although I've already just about filled my box! If anyone has any tips on what I may need or what helped you with recovery or the hospital stay, just let me know. Any help is greatly appreciated.

A Mermaid Incarnate?

     20 weeks to go, 20 weeks to go!!! On Friday I'll be a quarter of the way there! It is crazy, and I know that I say that (or at least words to that effect) every blog post these days, but it is going so fast. As of writing, it's round round 4am so in 20 weeks time I'll only be a couple of hours from beginning the biggest day of my life. I keep imagining what it'll be like to wake up on that day. I have my presumptions over what will happen but I'm sure that it'll be different. I've read a lot of different accounts regarding the GRS experience and there is one thing that links then all together and that each convey. GRS is an incredibly personal experience that you can prepare for but you can't understand until you've experienced it. I want to be part of that exclusive club, that club that can live their lives. I am essentially in a state of limbo and now I know when I'll be 'free' that sense of limbo has kinda increased. That's why I am literally counting down the hours (3373 hours 22 minutes). I've not just worked that out by the way, I have an app on my IPad!

     I can't wait to swim, I really can't. I never thought I'd miss swimming but I do. It's one of the things I'm looking forward to doing after the op. I used to love swimming. I can remember when I first began cheffing and I started doing split shifts. I'd have around 3-4 hours to kill in he afternoon so I started popping down to the local baths. It's the only form of exercise that I actually enjoy. I love being in the water. When I worked in Spain I used to spend a lot of time snorkelling, I loved it. Obviously, being in skimpy swim wear is off the table, at least until I don't have that bulge. I can safely say that once I've had the op and recovered, one of the first things I'll do is go swimming.

     In other news, I've started wearing eyeliner and it's made a difference, especially now that I know how to apply it without poking my eye out! Every day is a school day when you're transitioning.

I'll Try Not To Poke My Eye Out!

     So, 21 weeks.... you know the rest of this sentence by now. Time is going so quickly isn't it? I've always found that October and November go fast. It's as though time itself gets bored of the year so tries to wind it up as quickly as possible. I will be sorry to see the end of 2012 but I'm also really looking forward to 2013 for obvious reasons. On the whole 2012 has been a good year. I can remember thinking this time last year. I honestly thought that I'd be having the op this year. Had circumstances been different I'd have accepted that cancellation in November and 2012 would have possibly been the biggest and most important year of my life. In December I'll do my usual thing and do abit of a year review.

     Yesterday I went for a laser appointment. It was my first appointment since March! I've been needing to go for a few months now but each month I put it off because I couldn't exactly afford it. Truth be told, I only need to put 30 quid away each month and I'd be able to go every 3 months. I just forget though and so when I do need it done I struggle to take the £100 hit in one go. I had questioned whether it was actually working as the progress did seem slow. This 6 months has actually confirmed that it is working. I still have to go over with an electric but not as much as I once did. It's also covered easily with make-up. It's manageable I guess.

     After my laser I popped into the Salon next door and had my eyebrows done. This is something else I tend to neglect. I don't neglect them as much as I once did. I go over with my tweezers once a week but the shape had gone out of them. It's amazing how something relatively small like getting your eyebrows waxed can make you feel so good. It gives you that bit more confidence and makes you feel that bit more a girl.

     I feel like a girl more and more each day. This whole being a girl thing is pretty normal to me these days. It is strange though because my old life is still in there but it doesn't feel like me. It is as though I have someone else's memories in a way. I do slip now and again though and I do feel a bit stupid. Speaking is one of the main things and I need to be abit more adventurous with make-up. I have a mixed relationship with make-up. I don't really like wearing foundation but I love the other bits. I love eyeshadow and always wear it as a part of my make-up routine. I also love Lipgloss and hardly ever do lipstick. Im going to start practising abit with eyeliner I think. Eyeliner is the one thing I've never got to grips with. I always find I poke my eye out or I put on too much, too far away from my eyelid. I appreciate how it can bring your eyes out though and my eyes are one of my better features. I'll give it a go, see what happens lol.

22 Weeks To Go

In 22 weeks time I'll be in recovery after undergoing GRS. It sounds crazy each time I type it. I guess that it's still not completely real yet, won't be for a while yet. I think that it'll start to become real when I finish work. I'm planning on finishing on the Thursday before I go into Hospital on the Monday. That'll give me Friday, Saturday and Sunday to get stuff sorted. It'll also give me a 'nice' weekend off before the surgery. As well as it only being 22 weeks, on Friday it'll only be 150 days which is kinda crazy. Time seems to be going so fast, not that I'm complaining. It is really flying by!

     It's payday on Friday which means that I'm going to invest in some more supplies. Gotta save up for Christmas and I'm desperate for some laser so I can't afford much. 

     On the whole, not a lot else has happened this week. Oh, apart from my car being recalled. I got a letter from Chevrolet this morning telling me that I need to take it to my local Chevrolet dealer. Apparently there might be a problem with the brakes. I wouldn't mind but I've been driving it around for a year and a half! Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with it otherwise I'd have noticed. It won't hurt to get it checked out though with something like the brakes it's best to be sure.

Juliet And Me: Part 1

On the 2nd June 2010 Juliet Jacques began writing a series of columns for The Guardian newspaper. These articles have charted her transition (in much the same way that this blog has charted mine) and I've found them particularly fascinating. I can relate to them and to her journey. She's currently recovering after having her surgery a couple of months ago. I thought it might be a cool idea to 'review' her articles on this blog and compare her experiences with my own.

     I'm going to start at the beginning and her first article entitled 'A Transgender Journey: Part 1'. You can read the article HERE, it really is worth a look.

     'I decided my name should be Juliet when I was 10. It took a further 17 years to let it rise from the back of my mind, where I had swiftly buried it, and become my identity'

I had a few names in mind when I first began exploring my feminine side. Jennifer was one I used for a while as was Victoria. Emma had been a name I first used and in the end it's the name I stuck with. I always liked it for some reason. I think it might come from a girl I used to really like many years ago, when I was still young. My family think it comes from Baby Spice (I used to be a mad Spice Girls fan) and maybe sub consciously that did play a part. 

 'I knew I was "different" as a child. My first indication of how came at primary school, when a friend said: "We've got to make you more masculine."'

I knew I was different from a very young age and like Juliet, I didn't know how. I knew I wanted to be a girl but, for a time at least, I thought that that was how all boys felt. Who wouldn't want to wear pretty dresses and have long hair?

 'I didn't consider myself predominantly masculine or feminine: I liked violent toys (particularly Transformers - the irony had not yet become apparent) AND fluffy kittens.'

I loved my action figures as a child. I had He-Man then I had the Ninja Turtle figures. I even had some wrestling figures. By the same token, I loved playing with my sisters barbie and cindy dolls. 

'Putting on a dress, I was floored by a surge of energy. Momentarily, I felt completely at ease: then total confusion. Why was I turned on? Was I a "transvestite"? Did I want a "sex change"? Then fear: what if my family caught me? What if my classmates found out? Nobody must ever know, I told myself, cross-dressing behind closed curtains, panicking when my parents' car pulled up the drive before I'd covered my tracks.'

I can relate to this paragraph so much. The first time I consciously dressed in girls clothes I felt free, I felt kind of liberated. I felt confusion because it felt so right and if anything it compounded my own confusions over my gender. I'll admit that I didn't know what a transvestite was at this stage. The only reference I had to people cross-dressing were the likes of Lily Savage and Dame Edna and I certainly didn't classify myself in that group. I did feel turned on a little though, but then again I was a teenage boy and my hormones were raging. 

'The Internet was a godsend: at last, I found men who dressed as, or had become, women.' 

I can remember when I first gained access to the Internet. I was a little slow in joining the Internet revolution and didn't get my first lap top until I was 21. I had left home at this point and moved up to Widnes for work. I had begun to explore my gender issues more and the Internet only helped in this. It helped me understand many things although at this point I refused to believe that I would ever transition. That was what other people did.

'Instead, I finally admitted to myself that I must fit somewhere on the daunting, ill-defined CD/TV/TS spectrum. But where?'

At first I classed myself as a transvestite, then (because I hated the term transvestite) I classed myself as T-Girl. I thought that I was simply content with dressing behind closed doors and I was for a while. It fitted in with my life. By day I was a man and I liked doing manly things. I like a pint of bitter and I liked talking about man things. By night, when I was alone, I was Emma and I liked a glass of wine with a chick flick. It worked for me but then it became harder and harder to wipe that make-up off at the end of the night and eventually I realised I was something more.

I'll Be Douching Before You Know It!

So, in 23 weeks, possibly in an hour or two, I'll be heading down to the operating theartre for my surgery. The time is going really fast, or t least it seems to be. I think that the pattern of my week has something to do with it. I'm off Mondays and Tuesdays so they go quick. Wednesdays and Thursdays are quiet days at work so they seem to fly by. When I get to Friday I have the fact that I only have two days until Sunday which is only a half day at work. Then I'm back to Monday again and celebrating another week knocked off! At the moment it is all about knocking the days off and to a certain extent I am wishing my life away. At times, March the 25th seems so far away that it does get me down a bit. To think that I turned down the 25th of November! I would've been stoping hormones today. In preparation for the op you have to stop taking the hormones 6 weeks prior. This is to prevent blood clots. I'm not exactly looking forward to stoping the hormones as some have reported decrease in breast size, increase in body hair and mood swings. It is an important part of the process though and kind of signals in the final 6 weeks.

I have my reasons for waiting until March, I've already gone over them in this blog. It will still get to me though, especially over the coming weeks. March is the right time for a number of reasons. Financially I'll be better equipped to handle having my wages cut by 3/4's due to sick pay. Physically I should be fitter and (hopefully) a little thinner. I'll be better prepared in terms of physical things I'll need and I'll be better prepared psychologically.

Talking about the physical things I'll need, I've brought my douching kit. Once I've had the

op, I'll be required to douch. Despite the fact that my vagina should look like the real thing, it'll have one or two differences. Firstly, it won't be self lubricating and secondly, it won't be self-cleaning. Due to the nature of the op and the risk of infection, hygiene is going to be a huge part of my life. I'll have to douch every day and so the douching kit (along with the dilating kit the hospital will give me) will become a major part of my life. Talking about dilating, in the first 6-8 weeks I believe, I'll have to dilate 3 times a day! Dilating will consist of 10 minutes with a small dilator before a 20 minute session with the larger one. If you conbine that with the post-dilation cleanup, you're talking about 3+ hours a day! It's not something I'm dreading, It'll give me a purpose during the 3 month layoff after the op. I feel kinda stupid for thinking about this kind of stuff at this stage. But then I want to be as prepared as I can be so maybe it's not so stupid.

I actually did a spot of online shopping last night. I sometimes use a site called everything5pounds.com. It's essentially an online version of Primark but for a girl with a low budget it's quite a cool site. They do do a lot of tat but (like Primark) there are one or two hidden gems. Well, last night I shopped with half a mind on my 'leaving hospital' outfit. I only spent £15 on a dress, a top and a cardigan. One of the tips I've had is that you should wear something loose and comfortable when you leave hospital and so I thought a dress with a pair of loose fitting leggings. If I had a car journey home then a pair of jogging bottoms and a baggy t-shirt would have probably been best. As it is, I'll have a taxi ride through London, then a 3 hour train ride home so I need to look presentable. It's funny how you have to think about things like this, it seems like the smallest matters. I do think that one things for certain. I'll never have been as prepared for anything in my life as much as I'll be prepared for this!

It's Not Gonna Be Pretty, Not At First Anyway

     When I got my date for the op I made a decision to post on this blog once a week, on the Monday. I thought it would be cool to start each post by mentioning how many weeks it was until the big day. The trouble is that I've got so much going around in my head that it's proved impossible for me to wait until next Monday to post. This Blog has always been a sounding board for myself. It's been a way for me to let stuff out, settle my mind. It has evolved into more than that over the years, but first and foremost it's an ear for me. So here I am, posting again :-)

     When me and Sam get together we talk about the little victories. These are really important when you first start transitioning but as you find your feet and your new life becomes the norm, the little victories become rarer. This isn't a bad thing, it's proof that you've successfully transitioned. Yesterday I had a little victory. Me and my dad went shopping. It was just for groceries at Asda but afterwards we popped over the road for a quick drink. I do enjoy a good relationship with my Dad these days. It was so hard for him when I first 'came out' and when I first went full-time. It still is hard for him sometimes. We do enjoy a really good relationship though. Yesterday was the first time I felt we had reached a point we were at before I 'came out' though. We sat in the pub with our drinks and talked about stuff, normal stuff like the telly and James Bond. It was so nice and it did feel like we had gone back 5 years. 

     I've been on a bit of a research binge lately. It reminds me so much of a period in my life around 9 years ago. I had just gotten access to the Internet with the purchase of a laptop. This coincided with my leaving home and so I'd really begun to explore my gender and who I was. I used to spend hours scouring the Internet trying to figure out things, trying to find other people like me. Now, I'm doing the same thing again only now it's for info about the op and about the recovery. It has certainly been eye opening. Its gotten me more nervous about the whole thing really. I've heard stories about infection and about corrective procedures. I've heard more bad stories than good ones if I'm going to be honest. I've heard how painful dilation can be, how tired even the shortest walk makes you. I've heard about sleepless nights and about aches and pains. I've also heard about how good it gets and about the joy at wearing underwear that fits. I've heard about bikini shopping and about trips to the swimming baths. I've heard about how free you become. I'm going to be nervous and I'm going to be anxious. I've got another 5 months of those feelings ahead of me. Ultimately this is a huge surgical procedure I've got coming and I honestly can not wait to be healed. It will just take a lot of time, a lot of patience and a certain amount of pain. 

Roll On The New Year

So, just 24 weeks to go until my op. It's not as long as it sounds. Time is going really fast, this last week has literally flown by. I think that once Christmas is out of the way with it will soon be time. I have a week holiday just after the new year (enforced due to the restaurant shutting for a week) then on the 11th February I stop taking hormones. Just a week later and I'm off to London for my pre-surgical appointments. I doubt I'll get alot of sightseeing in this time as I'm due at CHX for 13:00pm and I'm guessing I'll be there until gone 16:00pm. I might do a bit beforehand. I still want to see Big Ben and I want to have a browse down Oxford Street. Anyway, just 4 weeks after that appointment and it's my 31st birthday and the following week I'm going for the op.

I think that at the moment I'm just knocking off the days.Nothing much is happening, I'm just living my life much as I have done for the past 2 years. After Christmas, when things really start happening, it will really fly by.

Having this target, this thing to look forward to, does give me focus though. I smile when I look at the countdown App I have on my Ipad and Iphone. It's all about knocking off the days and I smiled the other day when I got past the 170 day mark and into the 160's. I expect I'll smile again in a weeks time when I hit the 150's. I am literally counting down the hours though, 4029 at the current count. It may seem like I'm wishing my life away and in many respects I am. If someone came to me and said that they could put me to sleep and I'd wake up after Christmas, I'd do it like a shot.

In other news I had an appointment with the GIC this morning. This time, since I'd been referred to CHX for surgery, it was done via phone. It was very straight forward and he was pleased I'd gotten a surgery date so quickly. I have an appointment with him after the op when my medication may be adjusted and when Im going to sort out my GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate). After that I should be discharged from the GIC which is kinda scary. It's been a part of my life for nearly 3 years and so I'm going to miss it in a strange kind of way.

After my phone call I met up with Samantha for lunch in Nottingham. We went to Soulville Steakhouse on Queen Street, just up from the Brian Clough statue. I had a 6oz Rump Steak with a side of Onion Rings followed by Chocolate Fudge Cake. The Steak was spot on, perfectly cooked to my medium-rare preference. I did say to Sam though that if a Steakhouse can't cook Steak then you're in trouble. I thought it was nicer than Hooters where we went last month. It was nice to catch up with Samantha as we are both of a similar age and at a simlar stage in our journey. She does lead an interesting life through her work and I enjoy hearing her stories.

On a last note, I began stocking up for my op the other day. I've got a big plastic box as storage and I've got some nappy sacks, baby wipes, ear plugs (for the hospital stay) and a fold up mirror (to help with dilating). It's not much but it's a start. I'm determined to be as prepared as possible

The Only Thing On My Mind

25 weeks today, possibly around this very moment, I'll be in surgery. Im getting admitted to Charing Cross at 11:00am on the 25th March and I'll be having my op later that day. I kinda expected to have a night in hospital first, I'm not sure why. Maybe it's from reading other people's accounts, I don't know. It just seems a bit rushed I suppose. On the letter it says that I'll need to stop eating by 9am and stop drinking by 11am. So I'll be 'nil by mouth' before I'm even admitted! On the plus side, at least I'll not have time to think about it and should be pretty busy right up until the op. I am nervous about it, really nervous. I'm not having second thoughts or anything, just nerves. I last had an operation when I was young. I'm not sure what it was for, I think it may have been something to do with my ears. I can remember staying in hospital though and the excitement of it all. I can remember this one night, I woke up neededing the loo. I was so scared about being caught out of bed that I sneaked my way down the corridor. It was like a scene from Mission Impossible! Apart from that, my experience of being put under anaesthetic is extremely limited. I think that that is the thing I'm most nervous about, being put to sleep. All kinds of things cross your mind don't they like what if it doesnt work and I don't get put to sleep. What if I wake up half way through. What if I don't wake up at all! I know that these concerns are stupid because these doctors know exactly what they are doing.

     The op is pretty much dominating my thoughts at the moment. I'll find myself thinking about it whenever I have quiet moment in work. Its strange knowing that I'll be off work for 12 weeks. I've never been off work for that long before! I actually had a look the other day, just to see if I'll be off for any major holidays. I'm in hospital for Easter weekend and should be due to be discharged on either Easter Monday or the Tuesday. I'm also off or Fathers Day as well as the May Bank Holidays.

   

Dreams and Coincidences

     So, this morning I told my boss that I'll need time off next year for the op. She was completely fine about it and so I even told her why I need an op. She didn't bat an eyelid. I still think that she already knew about my gender, or at least had inklings. She was a little too fine, if you know what I mean.

     Last night I had a look at my old blog, Breaking Free of the Bud, and I was hit by an unbelievable coincidence. I started that Blog on the 24th March 2008 , five years from the date when I'm due to have SRS! Im not a great believer in fate, I don't like to believe that our lives are already written. When you are hit by a coincidence such as that, it does make you think though. In that first post I talked about a job offer I'd received from a restaurant in Spain. I knew that my 'dressing' would have to take a serious back seat and so it was a hard choice to make. What made it harder was that just a week before I'd enjoyed my first night out as Emma. Now five years on, I'm due to have my SRS. It was written, surely.

     Last night another thing happened. I had an SRS related dream. I was in the hospital and on the ward. I'd been talking with a few of the other patients and had shaved myself down there. Then it was time to be taken down for the op. A nurse came and wheeled me down on the bed and I was wheeled into a small room. There, the nurse started sticking needles in me and 'prepping' me for the op. Then Mr Bellringer walked in and started speaking to me about the procedure before putting my legs on these hoist things and lifting them up. At that moment the nurse said 'right, we're all set. Now, count down from five with me'. I started counting down and slowly drifted out of consciousness. Next thing I know, I'm waking up. It took me a while before I realised (with a bit of disappointment) that it had only been a dream and that I still had 178 days to wait (not that I'm counting down or anything). I'm almost certain that this won't be the last of the SRS related dreams, infact I'd be kinda annoyed if it
was.

     I'm actually doing a lot of reading at the moment, scouring the Internet for accounts from people who've actually had the op. I'm in a bit of a planning frenzy you could say, making lists over what I'll need for the hospital stay and what I'll need for the recovery period. I'm even making a list of films and tv shows to put on my IPad to pass the time if need be. It's amazing the little tips you pick up though. I was reading through someones account yesterday (hence the dream) and she suggested Dry Shampoo as you can't shower until your vaginal packing comes out. I would never have even considered that. It just goes to show that you can never plan enough.

An End In Sight

     You many have noticed a slight difference in the appearence of this blog. It's something I do every now and again to keep things fresh. Also the time is right because my life, and this blog, has reached a point whereupon an end point can be seen. I'm not naive enough to think that the op is the end of my transition. Essentially I'll be 'in transition' for the rest of my life. The op does represent a change though and the end of a volume of my life. I certainly feel that there will become a point where transition will become an after thought, rather than the dominance it currently is. There will come a point when I post on this blog less and less until I forget about it entirely. I don't want that to happen and so I will end this blog at some point, probably next summer.

     I mentioned in my previous posts that things feel different now. It feels like autumn and not just because the turn in the weather. This has been a story 24 years in the making and I still can't believe that those dreams I had as a child will come true. As the quote above suggests, the beginning of my story, foretold it's end. Infact if you look at the 'My Story' part of this blog (above on the tabs) you will see the first paragraph....

'My first real memories regarding my gender issues occurred when I was maybe six or seven years old. I can remember lying in bed at night, in the enveloping darkness. I would often cry myself to sleep, hoping and praying that I’d wake up as a girl.'

I still can't quite believe that it will happen, in fact I'll probably still be pinching myself on the way to the hospital! It's all set though and I'm just awaiting the letter confirming the various dates and times. 

I Have A Date!!!

Well I've just gotten off the phone to admissions down at CHX and I've got my date! At first I was offered a date in November and for a moment I paused before I said that it was too soon. I know that 80% of people in my position would have taken that date and if I'd been in my old job, so would I. I can't let my current employers down though by taking Christmas off and financially it would've been difficult. As it is I have a date slightly earlier than I anticipated (a whole month earlier) and that is great for me. The date is the 24th March and it'll be the earlier hours of that morning. It's a Sunday and I'll be admitted into Charing Cross on the morning of the 23rd. I've already been told that I won't be able to eat anything from 9:00am of that morning. I have to go down for a pre-assessment appointment on the 19th February.

So there you have it, I have that all important date. It's 180 days away (the same length of time it took Fog to circumnavigate the globe!) which sounds like a lot but it really isn't. It's 6 months which is actually enough time to get some money behind me and prepare for what will be a huge time in my life. Coincidentally my birthday is on the 15th March (a part of me was thinking how good that would be to have the op the night before my birthday. What a present that would've been!).

Now all that remains is to get Christmas out of the way and start thinking about a date that, although previously an insignificant date, will become the biggest date in my life.

It Wasn't A Dream, Thank God!

Buckingham Palace

Tower Bridge

Well, it's been a couple of days since London. I had a really good day for so many reasons. After my appointment I did a spot of sightseeing. Well, it's not often I get down to the Capital. I took in Buckingham Palace, Nelsons Column, The Tower of London and Tower Bridge. I love the history and I love doing the touristy thing every now and then. I even got to see Tower Bridge being raised to allow a tall masted boat to pass through. I went on a tour of The Tower of London which was really interesting. I've always had a real fascination with the Tudor period and I found it really interesting to learn about the likes of Anne Boleyn, Thomas Cromwell and Lady Jane Grey. Don't get me wrong, they are all stories I've heard before but being in the place where those stories happened gave them a certain poignancy.

The old execution spot in the
grounds of The Tower of London.

     Of course, Thursday's trip to London was about so much more than sightseeing. It was about a 10 minute moment when I met my future surgeon, Mr James Bellringer. I wrote my last blog posts on the day and I think that you sometimes need a nights sleep just to put things into context. On Thursday night I had a number of very strange and vivid dreams and I actually thought that Thursdays events had been a dream at first. It's only when I saw the notes the Clinical Nurse had given me that I realised that it had happened.

     As you go along the transition route there's always that feeling of impending obstacles. You get the feeling that at some point you'll be stopped in your tracks by a negative decision. Whether it's a NO from your GP regarding a referral to the GIC, a NO from the GIC during your initial assessment. a NO from your GP regarding the prescription of Hormones, a NO from your GIC regarding a referral to a surgeon or a NO from your surgeon. The risk is ever present in your mind even if it's perhaps misplaced fear. Now I've got myself an operation (Mr Bellringers words!) I honestly feel that there is no stopping me. For the first time I really know that this is going to happen and so things are different. It's such a strange feeling to know that you are on the home straight.

     Despite getting the go ahead for surgery, I'm still waiting on a date. I phoned up yesterday and she's going to phone on Monday to discuss the date. It will be sometime in April though I gather which isn't that bad. I'll just be happy to get a date I can work towards to be honest.
   

London Bound and London At

07:59am

I'm now sat on the train on my way down to London. I'm due in London at around 10:16am which will give me 75 minutes to get to my appointment. I need to get the tube (Piccadilly line) to Barons Court where I'll have a short walk to Charring Cross. I'm not actually at the hospital for my appointment, instead I'm to go to a place above a Sainsburys just down the road. To say I'm nervous is a bit of an understatement. I want to wee, then I want to poo, then I just want to throw up. I've got a coffee that I'm too nervous to drink and the fact that I'm writing this post is a bit of a miracle lol. I do get myself into a state over these things. I'll be fine, I know I will. I guess tha I just want that date and a small part of me thinks that all this is just a practicle joke. I'm half expecting to find a heavily prosthetically enhanced Dom Joly and a room full of hidden cameras.

I actually phoned up yesterday to check my appointment and it's all ok and I'm seeing Mr Bellringer which is the surgeon I wanted all along. Im actually quite nervous about meeting him as he was the surgeon featured on 'My Transexual Summer'. He's been on television which makes him a minor celebrity in my eyes lol. Also, for the past few years I've been reading a lot of posts on various blogs by people who've had their SRS and the majority have had it done by Mr Bellringer so it is like he's a bit of a legend if you know what I mean. Anyway, I'm going to sign off now, I'll post again on the return journey.

12:12pm

Well, I arrived for my appointment in plenty of time. It wasn't as hard to find as I thought it was. I actually walked past Charring Cross Hospital (where I'll have the op) and I took along hard look at it. I guess that it became all the more real at that point. I've heard so much about the place over the past 3 or 4 years that it's become a bit of a personal mecca. Anyway, I arrived around 20 minutes early and sat down on one of the blue chairs. It's not a bad place actually, a bit better than Nottingham GIC. There's a lot more happening. There were a few other girls there,
most post-op and I got chatting to one. In the end I kinda wished I hadn't as she couldn't half talk bless her. Once she found out I was a chef that was it. I do enjoy my job but that's what it is, a job. Im not overly passionate about it and I kinda hate talking about it out of a kitchen. I prefer discussing the latest news stories or history. Anyway, she wasn't to know so I'll forgive her. While we were chatting a young girl came out if the examination room. She was pre-op and had been full-time for 6 years. She was 22 now and was so annoyed that she'd have to wait until April for the op.

At around 11:35 I was called into the examination room and Mr Bellringer was sat at his desk. I sat down and he started asking me a few questions about my living situation, alchohol intake, etc. Then came the physical examination. I had to lay on this bed with just the 'area' on show. He had a prod around and a look before I was told I could get changed again. He talked me though the op, told me the risks and 10 minutes later it was over. I'm fine for surgery although he said it wouldn't hurt me to loose a couple of pounds. I knew that part anyway so that was expected. The biggy was th hair removal situation. I've feared that for the past 3 years nearly because it has got to hurt. I don't need any though, I'm fine which is such a relief.

I was toLd to take this form to admissions which I did. The lady who normally deals with Mr Bellringers patients was out so Im expecting a call over the next day or so regarding an operation date. Im really happy with how its gone and it couldn't really have gone much better. The op will probably be around April which isn't too bad in the grand scheme of things. That'll give me an overall Full-Time to Surgery time of under 3 years which is pretty phenominal in my opinion. It'll also give me time to save a bit of money as I'll only be on Statatory sick pay which isn't enough to pay my bills. I'm actually typing this in a pub in Hammersmith Tube Station, enjoying a pint of Lager and Black, a well earned drink I'm sure you'll agree.

Just managed to find a coffee shop on knightsbridge. Actually, was desperate for the loo lol. Having a Cappachino while I'm here and using the free Wi-Fi to post this :-) Ipads are great :-)

Sleepless Nights and the Odd Little Victory

It's nearly here, my big appointment. I'm getting really nervous now and I'm actually having a few sleepless nights. I'm sure everything will be ok and in a strange way it's not the actual appointment I'm nervous for, it's afterwards. I'm still not sure what to say to my employers regarding why I'll need my time off. It's 3 months which is a huge amount of time! Do I be honest and take my boss to one side before revealing all? Do I say that I need an operation for something that's personal? What do I do? I think that she'll be ok but there's still that chance that her attitude towards me may change. A part of me thinks that she already knows anyway. What if that's in my imagination though? You can perhaps see why I'm not getting a lot of sleep at the moment. What ever I decide to do I'm sure it'll be the right thing.

In other news, yesterday in work (Sunday) we got a late table in. This may not seem like news in itself but let me continue. On Sunday we stop serving food at 4:00pm and there's nothing worse than getting a table in at that time. It adds an extra hour onto your shift especially if they have 3 courses like this one did. Well, after I finished I went into the bar and had a drink before heading home. It was while having this drink that a couple of the regulars started talking in hushed voices about the table that had come in late. It turns out that they weren't sure about the gender of one of the people on the table. One of them asked me what I thought and although (even from the back) it was pretty obvious that this person was from the trans community, I just shrugged my shoulders and feigned ignorance. I didn't want to draw attention to the person but it was so obvious. It was to me, maybe it's my trannydar or something, but the regulars were still confused. For me, this was a pretty strange event but also kinda nice. The fact that my friends were talking about this person in the way they were in front of me kinda confirmed that they don't know about my own history. A couple of weeks ago Sam asked me about any little victories I'd had and I struggled to think of any. A little victory is anything that confirms you as an accepted female. It could be being hit on by a straight guy in a club or someone believing your female while talking to you on the phone. After 2 years of being full-time my little victories aren't that special anymore because I get them a lot just in everyday life. I class yesterday as a little victory and it felt nice. I kinda felt bad for the TG on the table because she got read but (and I'm really not wanting to sound offensive or disrespectful) she didn't help herself in her choice of wig, clothes or make-up.

In other other news, you may have noticed that I now moderate comments. This isn't a reaction to any comments I've recieved myself, more a reaction to a comment that a friend had on her blog. It was a pretty hateful comment and I just want to avoid having anything like that on this blog, especially considering that my mum reads this blog! I will publish all comments, just not those that are offensive, should I ever get any like that.

From The Dust We Can Build A Bridge

So, in 10 days I'll be heading to London for my big appointment at CHX. Im starting to get nervous now as each day passes. I think that it's becoming more real. In the morning I'll be able to say that it's next week!! Hell, in half an hour I'll be able to say that it's next week!! How scary is that!! I actually had a dream last night where I got my surgery date. It was the 14th and I'm pretty sure that it was February, so watch this space. Realistically, I'm expecting it to happen around the middle of March. The 14th would be the perfect date really as its my birthday on the 15th of March. Sure I'd be in hospital for my birthday but what a present to get! 

     In other news, I've been getting over my recent breakup in my own way. Despite everything I am a survivor and it'll take more than a broken heart to do me in. I'm still really confused as to why he ended it but I've come to one or two conclusions. I think that his parents put pressure on him which wold explain why he ended it as suddenly as he did. Ultimately I'm better than that and deserve better and I'll find better.

     I've been off work on annual leave. I originally booked it off to go away with the ex. In truth, due to the breakup, I had been dreading this week. I thought I'd spend it thinking about what ifs and dwelling on things. I've actually really enjoyed it and it was just what I needed. I needed to sort things out in my head and to picture some kind of future. I'd built a future in my head where it was me and the ex. We'd have a house, marriage, kids, all the 'normal' things. I'd had it all taken away and it has taken time to re-evaluate my life and future. I've got a serious op I need to prepare for and I've been planing a holiday to Florida in 2 years time.

     I'm going with my mum and dad and my brother, sister in law and their two young children. Regular readers of this blog will know that me and my brother have a troubled relationship. We were really close as children but my change in lifestyle effected him and we've had little or no contact over the past couple of years. This has also meant that I've not had much contact with his two children (my nephew and niece). The fact that we are all going away together can only help in the bridge building process. There were actually positive steps today. They came over for a drink and although we didn't talk much the fact we were in the same room together for a prolonged period was huge. It gave me chance to bond with my nephew and I actually got a bye from my brother when they left. I'm not naive, I know that it'll take time. The biggy will be the actual holiday but the more planks we can lay on the bridge before then the better. I do feel better about things now and more positive. 

     Being off work has allowed me to catch up with friends and on Monday I met up with Samantha ( a fellow blogger) for lunch. Shes pretty far along the transition process and it was great to compare notes. Being off the transgender scene means that I often don't have anyone to talk to about things. Being transgender is a unique experience that only those experiencing it can comprehend. It can become quite a lonely thing so talking to someone experiencing similar situations can be invaluable. 

Single, again.

163 days ago I went on a date. We went walking in the countryside to a place near Matlock called Cromford. On this date he was charming and a real gentleman. He held the branch back to let me through a particularly overgrown part of the path. I'm not sure why I remember this part of the whole date, maybe it's because I felt like a lady at that moment. I was the woman on a date for the first time in my life and it was a defining point in my transition.

     That first date quickly turned into a relationship and for the following 160 days I was so happy. We got on so well and seemed to fit brilliantly together. We talked about our future and made plans that stretched over the next few years. We seemed solid but looks can be deceiving as I've found out this week.

     On Sunday our relationship began to unravel. I'm not entirely sure why, in fact I'm at a real loss to explain what went wrong. Jamie just changed his mind about us or at least that's what it seems like. We talked on the phone and I kinda knew the writing was on the wall. He had to decide whether he could see a future for us. For me it was simple. I loved him and I only saw him in my future. The fact that he had to make this big choice was so worrying and kinda insulting. He shouldn't have needed to make a choice, it should've been simple. If he loved me then there was no choice. On Tuesday morning I had the end of our relationship confirmed in the worst and most cowardly of ways.

     The text message said that he didn't see a future for us and so he wanted us to just be friends. I still can't understand what went wrong. Being dumped by text message was so humiliating though and is something I'll never forgive him for. After 5 months I deserved more than a text! I deserved n explanation too and I'm still waiting on a satisfactory one of those. He said that he doesn't deserve me and that I could do better but I don't see that as being a logical explanation. Everything has crossed my mind. Did he have someone else? Did my transition suddenly become real? Was he pressurised by his parents? We were happy and I'll never understand why it's over because it's such a waste.

     I cried pretty much constantly throughout Tuesday and Wednesday. I worked both of those days and I'd find myself just bursting into tears at the most random of moments. My heart has been broken and it's going to take some time to get over it. Most of my friends have called Jamie a scumbag but I still love him and I still care so much for him. He was my world and nobody else matched up. Had he proposed I'd have married him, there was no competition. I will get over it and I will date again. I'll find someone else and I'll look back on this as a good thing. My mum said that I should get back on the dating site straight away but I'm not sure I can. I'd feel guilty, as though I'd be betraying my feelings for Jamie or something, which is stupid. It's how I feel though.

     I told Jamie that I regretted the past 5 months which is far from the truth. I kinda said it in the heat of the moment. My reasoning was that had the past 5 months not happened then I wouldnt have these memories that made me cry so much. I don't regret my time with Jamie though. It was a great thing to happen to me at a big time in my life. Being with him gave me confidence and gave me something else in life. It gave me hope that I could be genuinely happy. It may be over now and ii may have had my heart broken. I will get over him though, I'm one of life's survivors.

It's Gods Mistake To Rectify

 

     Its been a few days since I received my Pre-Surgery appointment through the post and this extra time has given me time to reflect. I tend to reflect on things alot when I'm not quite sure how to handle certain situations. It's as though I try to make sense of events in my past in the hope that it'll help me handle events that are happening now.

     I have an appointment at CHX and the fact that I have one so soon is the part I'm having trouble believing. I know that some people have to wait months and months for an appointment. These are the same people who spend years on NHS waiting lists endlessly hopping that they'll get to where I've gotten to in 2 years! To put this into context, when I first asked my therepist to refer me to a GIC back in December 2009 she looked into it. The waiting list at Sheffield GIC was 2 years just to get seen for an Initial Assessment appointment. Had I been put on that waiting list I would probably be still living my old life, waiting. I would be 2 - 3 years behind and probably wouldn't get a surgery date for another 2-4 years! As it stands I'm just a month away from getting a surgery date!

     Why have I had it so easy? Why have I been allowed to move on and live my life as I want? Is it divine intervention? I'm not a massive beliver of god or indeed of any higher being. If there was ever any cause for me to suddenly turn to religion then surely my transition would be it. It is as though the obsticals that would normally litter my path have been moved by some higher force. In all of my time that I've been full-time I've had one bit of trouble and that was 2 years ago! Infact in all the time I went out before I was full-time I rarely encountered any trouble. I have the support of my family and I'm in a loving relationship with a guy who is so supportive it's unreal. It's almost as though my present life is how it was meant to be. It's how it should've been, I have no doubt in my mind about that. It's as though someone knows they made a mistake and so they're letting me rectify it with the minimum of fuss. As I said, I'm not religious but sometimes even the strongest of non-believer has cause to rethink a few things.

     The fact that the next thing on my blog countdown widget will be my surgery date is a bit mental to me. It's slightly unbelievalble that I'm essentially on the home straight now and it's given me one or two things to think about. One of those things is what to do about this blog. I will still blog once I've fully transitioned but this blog may find itself surpless to requirements. I'd like to tell my life story properly and it may become a vehicle for that. I've got a while to think about it and I will continue to document my transition until such a time as I feel I no longer need to.

     The other thing I've begun to think about is my surgery and I've begun planning it in my mind. I've begun thinking about the things I'll need and even what to take into hospital with me. I'm actually saving some books for my hospital stay and even holding back on watching a few DVD's so I can save them for my hospital stay. I've even decided to tell my bosses the reason I'll be off work when the time comes. I'm reasonably sure they may know anyway but regardless, they'll know in due course. I had thought about telling them a lie or even quitting my job. I do like it there though and they like me. I kinda owe it to them to be honest. It is a long time to be off work and they need to know the real reason why.

     I'm probably going to be blogging a bit more over the coming weeks as my pre-surgery appointment draws near. I'm going to have a lot of questions I'm sure and I'm going to be reflecting a lot, that's for sure

It Came, Finally It Came!!!

The eagle eyed amongst you may have noticed that the countdown clock has started counting down again. That is because my letter finally arrived this morning. It was in a white envelope and said...

'I am pleased to inform you that an appointment has been made for you:

Date/Time: Thursday 20 SEPTEMBER 2012 AT 11:30
Clinic: Gender Identity Surgery
Location: 179-183 Fulham Palace Road above the
               Sainsburys Local on Greyhound Road

It's really strange, how I feel. I feel a bit relieved and a bit scared and a bit apprehensive. I'm actually more concerned about how I'm going to get there than I am about the actual appointment. I've had a quick look at trains and it shouldn't be too bad. The fact is that I have an appointment and I'll walk down there if I have too.

Please Mr Postman

     Today I got a brown envelope and for a moment I was filled with excitement. There's only one reason I'd be getting a brown envelope and for just a moment I imagined putting a new date into the countdown app. When I noticed the Nottingham postmark I knew that it couldn't be what I'd hopped and alas it was just a questionaire. The letter I'm waiting for should have a London or a Brighton Postmark and should contain details of an appointment with either Mr Bellringer or Mr Thomas.

     Each night, just as I turn into my street, I think for a moment that that letter will have arrived. I imagine how I'll feel when I read it, how I'll react. I imagine going into work and booking the time off and I imagine the train journey. I think about which book I'll take and then I realize that I'll probably be too nervous to read anything. I imagine meeting my future surgeon and I imagine what he'll sound like. I imagine coming out of his office and heading back home a surgical slot booked. The following six months fly by and I picture being on the ward, awaiting the surgery. I imagine the other people on the ward and I imagine the smell. I think about how I'll feel when I'm on my way into theater and I think about waking up after the op. For that moment, right before I pull my car onto the drive, I smile.

     That letter will arrive one day and that day can not come soon enough!

It's Gonna Hurt, Hurt Like Hell!

     Well, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Strange, really strange. Following the deaths of my school friends the other week, I've spent a lot of time mulling over my own mortality. No one expects to die at thirty do they? I've taken it for granted that I'll see seventy, maybe even eighty. If the past couple of weeks have taught me anything it's that we are all but a breath away from death, that none of us can take the time we have for granted.

     In other news, I've begun to think seriously about the genital hair removal I may need before my op. I'm expecting my letter from either Mr Thomas or Mr Bellringer to arrive within the next month so I do need to start thinking about the op and my preparations for it. Genital hair removal is an important part of the process as any untreated hair follicles could cause infection after the op. I may not need it but if I do, it could put the op back another six months and I'm not sure I want to take that chance. It is an expensive job but it is funded by the GIC (unlike facial hair removal). I'm not concerned about the cost though, I'm more concerned about the pain. Electrolysis involves needles being inserted into the hair follicle to 'kill' the follicle. That has to hurt, especially in those sensitive areas. It needs to be done though, that is for sure. It's just one in a long line of painful experiences I'll have been through for the ultimate goal of being normal.

     Outside the whole trans thing, I'm enjoying the olympics. What an opening ceremony, stunning, simply stunning! It's really strange seeing these sports being contested in this country but so inspiring. It's so tempting to buy a bike or start rowing lol. It is really inspiring though and I'm so proud of our competitors in Team GB.

Taken Too Young

Yesterday I recieved some very bad news in that an old school friend had died. It hit me really hard, despite the fact that we hadn't seen each other in years. When I got home after work I recieved some more bad news in that another old school friend had died in a separate incident. This post is dedicated to the both of them.

Casey Bothamley 1981 -2012

I knew Casey at primary school right from the infants. We probably first met around 26 Years ago. I'll never forget her bubbly personality and her infectious smile. We sort of followed each other up into juniors before we both went to different secondary schools. It wasn't until I logged onto Facebook nearly 3 years ago that we got back in touch. She hadn't changed one bit. When I 'came out' on Facebook and began posting pictures of the female me she was one of the first to comment and we had one or two chats about it. She was so good and do supporting about it all and I will honestly never forget that.
Her sudden death came as a huge shock, mainly because she was my age. She had a heart attack at 30!! She was pregnant and leaves behind a husband and a young daughter and my heart goes out to them, it really does.

Shane Hale 1982-2012

I grew up on the same street as Shane and were in the same classes at school. We ended up going to secondary school too and he used to get up to all kinds of mischief. School wasn't a very nice experience for me for certain reasons but laughing at Shanes antics made it bearable. I can remember knocking about with him in the school holidays too. Of course, as I left home we lost touch, until the magic of Facebook. He was so good about the whole trans thing which really surprised me. I have no doubt that age had matured him although from what I've heard, he still enjoyed himself.

Both of these deaths have really hit me. One moment I'll be fine, the next I'll be in tears. I think that the shock has really affected me coupled with the fears about my own mortality. Neither Shane of Casey will have gotten up knowing it was their last day. While that is a blessing in itself, it does make you understand the fragility of life and how it can end so suddenly.
These two people were a part of my childhood. I may have not seen them for years but they were still a part of my life and contributed to the person I am today.

Nothing To Be Nervous About

     So, I'm on the home straight, the last stretch of highway. Yesterday I went to Nottingham GIC for a very important appointment. I saw 2 doctors, Dr Murjan and Dr Bouman. The first appointment with Dr Murjan was my 2nd recommendation appointment. To be referred for GRS (Gender Realignment Surgery) you need the recommendations of 2 separate doctors. I had my 1st recommendation from Dr Bouman now I just needed my 2nd recommendation. I was incredibly nervous which is stupid really. It is very rare for someone to be refused a 2nd recommendation. It does happen though although had it happened to me, it would have been a travesty of epic proportions. I'm pretty much experiencing a perfect transition. I'm working in a job where they are unaware of my history, I'm in a committed relationship with a guy who cares for me, my family are pretty much supportive and I pass pretty seamlessly in society. In fact it's nearly 2 years since my gender has been questioned by anyone. I was so nervous though. When she said that she was supporting my referral for GRS I instantly filled up and began shaking. It was a hugely emotional moment in my life. The wave of relief was amazing and it's a feeling that I'll never forget.

     After my appointments, I celebrated in Nottingham with Jamie. We had a bit of a pub crawl and we actually had a couple of deep conversations concerning the future. They were conversations we maybe needed to have although I'm sure we'll talk about the same things in the future.

     Today I'm experiencing a bit of a comedown. I feel kinda depressed when I should be the happiest girl in the world. I should be smiling yet I just want to cry. I'm on the home straight, the final hurdles await. I'm not having 2nd thoughts about it or anything, I'm do glad about yesterday. Maybe it is just a comedown effect. The emotions I experienced yesterday were so varied that some form of comedown had to be expected I guess. I'll be fine in a few days and then I can start looking forward.

     In terms of what happens next, Dr Bouman will write to the 2 doctors who perform GRS in the UK. Dr Bellringer and Dr Thomas are the only doctors who perform the op and it's a bit of a lottery who you get. I'm not too bothered although London and Dr Bellringer would be better from a distance perspective. The aftercare at Brighton (Dr Thomas) is apparently superb though. Anyway, I should hear from one of them in around 4-6 months regarding a preliminary appointment. At that appointment they'll talk me through the process and give me an examination. They may recommend hair removal which I'm praying I don't need. It hurts when I get my face lasered so it's sure to be extremely painful down there. At that aointment I should get a date for surgery although this date is subject to change. At the moment there is a waiting period of 6 months so working on this timeline I should be looking at a GRS date of somewhere between April - June next year. That's being realistic and those predictions could change, hopefully for the better. It' s just a waiting game now I guess.

2nd Opinion Jitters

     Tomorrow is possibly the most important day of my life so far. I've had many important days in my life, especially over the past couple of years. Tomorrow is kinda different though in that it will help to shape the rest of my life. What happens tomorrow is huge in the scope of what will come from it. It is potentially the difference between life and death! 

     I guess that if you were to compare it to any other day in my life then it comes closest to the 20th July 2010. On that day I went to the final initial assessment appointment at Nottingham GIC. I can remember feeling so nervous at the thought that the rest of my life depended on a Doctors decision. That is what tomorrow is like, my life depending on a Doctors decision. The trouble is though that I've been that confident of a positive result that I've not really prepared for a negative result. What if they say that they aren't going to refer me for surgery? What do I do then?

     I've done everything by the book, lived my life as a woman in every sense of the word. I've been successful in many areas of the transition process. I pass extremely well in that hardly anyone knows of my history. I've got stability in the way of a pretty strong relationship with a fully supporting guy. My family has been great and are ( on the whole) fully supporting. I'm happier than I've ever been, how can they not say yes to a surgical referral.
On the off chance that they do say no, my life is never going to really be able to get on track. To say that a 'no' would be disastrous is not an over exaggeration, believe me.

Two Years Full-Time

7th June 2010, the day I went full-time

     Two years ago today I got up as normal. Things were different though. I'd changed my name officially a couple of weeks before so you could say that the events of June the 7th 2010 were a formality. In a lot of ways they were. I'd been growing my hair since November the previous year and I'd pierced my ears in March. I'd been sleeping in nighties for close to a year and I'd had more female clothes than male ones for a long time. Regardless of all of these preparations that day, 2 years ago today, was the day I look back on as being my 'other' birthday. It was the day on which I officially began living my life in the way I should have been living it for the previous 28 years.


     It has been a huge learning curve, there is no doubt about that. Simple things such as talking, walking and even eating have come under a kind of self-scrutiny. I've had to change so many things but it has all been worth it, without a doubt. I feel more confident in myself, more sure of myself. Before, i felt like I was constantly being watched and judged.These days I feel like I blend in more and like I fit in. It's not just been about learning about myself though, I've also learned a lot about other people. The way that people see you changes as you go through transition and I've been pleasantly surprised on the whole. 

7th June 2012, 2 years
full-time

     One of the main things I've learned I guess is that transitioning is so much more than the op. many make the mistake of believing that the op is the be all and end all, that the op is the most important thing about transitioning. These are the same people who tend to disagree with the NHS way of doing things as regards the RLE. The truth is though that transitioning is about so much more. It's about how you react to situations and about how you carry out everyday tasks. It's about how you learn to deal with life and about how you change things to fit your idea of what life should be like. Don't get me wrong, the op will complete me but there is so much more to transitioning than it. 

     Since I've been living as a woman full-time a lot of people have told me how brave I am. I don't feel brave though, not really. I changed things and did things my own way, regardless of the consequences, regardless of what people thought. Sure, there is some aspects of that to be admired I guess. There is an element of selfishness though as I know that most of the people who cared for me would've preferred me to stay as Paul. By the same token though, the majority of those people would like to see me alive and the reality is, that had I not pursued this way of life, I would probably not be here now. That may seem like an exaggeration but believe you me, it isn't! I have never denied the element of selfishness involved with transitioning and in my opinion, it is kinda an important thing to realise and accept. Sacrifice is another part of the transition process that it's important to accept. Although I've been lucky throughout the past 2 or 3 years, I have had to sacrifice certain things. The biggest sacrifice is the relationship I had with my brother. We hardly see each other these days and it must be over a year since I had a text from him. Bear in mind that we've had Christmas, New Year and my 30th birthday in that time! I have thought about writing him a letter but I'm not sure he'd read it. I've kind of accepted that he maybe doesn't want me in his life and that's up to him I suppose. On the other side of the coin, I've become closer to my older sister and I also feel closer to my younger sister than I was before. My relationship with my parents has changed, as I kinda knew it would. I still retain their love and support and I certainly wouldn't have been able to get through this without them.


     A recent development has seen me bag myself a boyfriend. He is lovely, a really nice guy. He really thinks the world of me and having him in my life has only been a positive influence. I told him about things early on and he's accepted it. He likes me for who I am and I can't tell you how nice that is.


     So, what about the future? Where do I see myself in 2 years time, or even 5 years time? I'm not entirely sure to be honest. As long as I'm happy, that's all I can really ask. One thing I kinda hope is that I'm no longer writing this blog. That may seem like an odd thing to hope for, especially considering how long I've been blogging for. The thing is that this blog has really been about documenting the most important 3-4 years of my life. It will always stay online and I hope that one day I can publish it. I do think though that there will come a time when I no longer need it and that time will come when I can finally move on in life and accept the future.