The Alternative Christmas Message

So Christmas is upon on us. For me, it means having to wade myself through copious amounts of Turkey, Sprouts and Mince Pies (I'm a chef). Despite that I always try and enjoy Christmas Day. I think that it's important to make the best of things and be happy. Everyone in the kitchen is in a similar boat with somewhere better to be. Working Christmas also makes you realize what matters and what the true meaning of Christmas is. In my case acceptance is a big part of the festive period. From the cards with sister and daughter on the front to the presents of jewelry and perfume. It shows that my family accept me for who I am and that is amazing.
     Despite all the positives surrounding this time of year, there always seems a negative. For the past 3 years my brother seems to throw a dampener on my Christmas. From the aftershave he brought me in 2009, to the lack of a present from my nephew (his 3 year old son at the time) last year. This year it was the lack of a 'Merry Christmas' that brought me to tears on Christmas Day. When I got up yesterday morning I made a point of texting my immediate family a simple 'Merry Christmas, Love Em x x x'. It literally took me 2 minutes but I think that it was the thought that counted. It really upset me that my brother didn't text me back with a reply. He couldn't bring himself to send me a simple text. I got a present this year (a gorgeous set of matching earrings and necklace), but I think that my sister in law got me that. I also think that it was her who wrote the card and tags. I actually got a picture this morning from her of my nephew and new born niece and that really made me feel better. I do think that she is trying but I'm unable to say the same about my brother and that breaks my heart somewhat. I'm not asking for all consuming acceptance, just an acknowledgement that I still exist and that I'm still part of his family.
     I know that in the grand scheme of things I've done brilliantly with my family. My sisters both seem to accept me and my younger sisters partner was fantastic the other day when I popped round delivering presents. My elder sisters children all seem to have accepted that I'm their Auntie now while my parents have been phenominal.
     Anyway, I'll keep trying, but sooner or later there's going to become a point when I can't do any more and it will be his loss. I'm seeing him on New Years Day so you never know. The New Year might bring a new start.
 
To all of my readers and followers and to anyone who may just find this blog in passing.....

X X X MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR AND ALL THE BEST FOR 2012 X X X

The Light Became Real

Today I had my latest appointment at Nottingham G.I.C. I have them every 3 months and they don't half come around quickly. I was actually eager for today's appointment because I had some blood tests done in September. I've been really interested in the results of those tests. As it turns out, the results have gone missing somewhere along the line so I need to get more done after Christmas.

     Today we mainly chatted about GRS or Gender Reassignment Surgery. In June next year I'll complete the 2 year Real Life Experience required before surgery. Basically, the NHS requires a minimum of 2 years living in your new gender before surgery is carried out. Most people have trouble with this as they see it as a needless thing. They know that they are transgender so why do they need to 'prove it'? I don't see the Real Life Test as proving anything. For me, it's been about settling down as a female. I've learnt so much and had to change so many aspects of my life that the 2 years has been a perfect time frame. Don't get me wrong, if I got a call tomorrow I'd do it as soon as possible, but I certainly don't see the RLE as anything but a positive thing. I guess that I have a certain amount of youth on my side (I'm 30 in March) but that shouldn't make much difference. I'm still playing the waiting game.

     Playing the waiting game was something else we touched upon. I explained that I don't feel I can truly start living until after GRS. I certainly wouldn't feel right going into a relationship before I had the Op. It's the next big thing I guess. I've 'come out', been refereed to the G.I.C., gone full-time and started hormones. The next thing is the big one.

     One of my main concerns recently has been the backlog created by the retirement of Tim Terry. He was the surgeon who operated out of Leicester and I would have seen him for GRS. Now, all patients are being referred to Charring Cross in London and the 2 remaining NHS surgeons, Bellringer (he was on My Transsexual Summer) and Thomas. Apparently though, the backlog is being eased as the east midlands health authority has been buying up a lot of the slots reserved for patients who pay Privately. This means that the 'backlog' shouldn't be a problem and my timeline should run as follows. In June I'll get referred to Charing Cross. I should then get an appointment with Bellringer or Thomas (my choice apparently) 10-12 weeks later. This should mean that I get seen at the beginning of September. Then, if everything is ok, I'll get a slot for surgery 10-12 weeks after that. That should mean that I'll undergo GRS at the end of November/beginning of December. That is kinda a scary thought, to think that in a years time I could have a vagina and be female. It's good scary though. Of course should this be the timeline I experience then I'll also get Christmas off which will be such a shame lol. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't hoping for a November/December op. This is only an estimated timeline though and I'd be foolish to really believe that it'll happen like that. All kinds of things could postpone things so I'm trying to remain level headed about it all. At least though, I do have that light at the end of the tunnel.

Roll On The New Year...

So, December is well and truly upon us. For me, that means 3 weeks of turkey, sprouts and all other kinds of Christmas related food. I'm not going to lie, after day 4 it starts to get to be a real pain. It also means that I seem to spend a lot of time between a set of hot lamps and a stove. I may come across as a bit of scrooge around Christmas but I'm not really. I just get a little tired of it that's all. I also get tired of work. I've been on 6 day weeks for the past 5 weeks and I've been doing some pretty long days. While most of the country can look forward to a festive period at home with their families, I have to work. It really is no wonder that I always look towards this time of year with a sense of dread. I will enjoy Christmas when I get the chance. I'll drink too much wine, eat too much Chocolate and see the family. I guess that I just have to make the most of the limited time I get.

     To be honest, I tend to enjoy the new year more. I look forward to the start of a new period in my life. The new year brings about the beginning and nobody enjoys a beginning more than me. Don't get me wrong, I'll be sorry to see the back of 2011. It hasn't been the most eventful of years, not by recent standards anyway, but it's still been a year in which I can look back on with a smile.

     At the end of 2010 I said that 2011 would be all about settling down. I knew that there wouldn't be any major events and I guess that I needed a bit of a respite. 2008, 2009 and 2010 were all pretty big years in my life and so 2011 was the year of the rest. I'm really looking forward to 2012 with a lot of optimism. Lest us forget that in June 2012, I'll complete the 2 year Real Life Test required by the NHS. After that I should be referred for surgery.

     Talking about surgery, I've been thinking lately about where I want to be referred. It's between Brighton and Charing Cross in London. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to try for Charing Cross, mainly because it's closer. I also know a few girls who have gone to Charing Cross and only report good things. I've got 6 months yet so there's plenty of time to decide. I'm also going to discuss it in more detail with my doctor at the GIC. I have another appointment there on Tuesday.

Let's Shout Now That The Summers Over

So, My Transsexual Summer ended last night. I've posted a couple of times about this show and I guess that this is the overview. The show was fascinating for myself in that it is one of the first television shows that I felt was about ME. It's not often a program comes along that you can truly relate to in so many different ways. Sure we can say that Coronation Street could be about the street we live on or that we all know a Del Boy but when a show comes along that stirs up so many different things that are inherent in your own life, it's a special thing.

     It made me ask some pretty serious questions about myself. Did I really need the surgery? Do I really pass? Am I normal? It's important to question your own motives if only to reassure yourself that they are the right things to do. I now know that I do really need the surgery. I don't think it was ever really in question but I admit that I did have one or two reservations. I pass really well to those who didn't know me as a man. I'm confident that I can pass without any real problem. Of course I already knew this if only for the fact that it's been 15 months since I received any kind of negative reaction.

     The show struck a cord with me in a lot of ways in terms of relationships, insecurities, family and friends and labels. On the show there were a couple of people who were happy with being trans whereas a few just wanted to be known for the gender they presented as. On last nights show 3 of the girls went to a trans club in London. One of them, Donna, was completely at ease with her trans status and loved going to trans venues. Another of the girls, Sarah, was really uncomfortable with it and I could relate so much with her. She wanted to be known as  a girl and she saw that going to trans venues probably didn't help in that. They also spoke about relationships with a few admitting that they used trans dating websites. Sarah though was very level headed in that she didn't see the point of going with a 'tranny chaser' who liked a woman with a penis as she wouldn't have hers in 5 years time. I'm like that in that until I have the op I wouldn't feel comfortable dating.

     On last nights show they each gave a speech as to their hopes for the future and how the show had changed them. I was just quite happily watching when suddenly tears started rolling down my face. Next thing I know I was bawling my little eyes out. Since I began taking hormones I have had one or two teary moments while watching television. None like this though, none have effected me to the point of a full on crying fit. It really shocked me to be honest and even now I'm a little bit surprised by it. The reason is simple though i that the show changed me and made me think about my own future and my own hopes for it. It's made me ask deep questions and helped me to understand the answers.

     The show has had a few negative reactions on the trans forums but lets be honest, a trans documentary rarely appeals to the trans community. Despite our desire for people to understand we seem to prefer to hide our lives away and live in secret. The odds are that on a shopping trip into town you will pass more than one trans person without even knowing. I like to think that I live a pretty open life regarding my trans status. I'm open about it on Facebook, this blog is on Google and I answer any questions when asked. I do think that the emergence of Facebook and blogging websites has given us a voice but it is with the help of television shows such as My Transsexual Summer that we can start to gain a louder voice.

I Did Have Romance....Once

     Every now and then I'll find myself thinking about my old life, the life before transition. It's weird because although I know that these things happened to me, they feel like they happened to someone else. I can remember them and it's almost like I'm remembering an old film I saw. A memory that came to mind tonight was completlely random. It happened when I worked in Bakewell about 5 years ago. It concerns one of the few romantic liasons I had and a girl called Sara. She was a waitress and I'd had a thing for her for a while. She always seemed to have a boyfriend though. Well one night we exchanged a few texts and before you knew it she was asking me if I fancied her. I'd had a few to drink so I was confident and so replied yes. Next thing she's asking if we can spend the night together and I said yes. Then I had about 5 minutes to clear my room (We both lived in the hotel) of all traces of my 'other' self. We did spend the night together although nothing happened. We just kissed and cuddled. It would have gone a lot further had it not been for me stopping it. I made some excuse about it not being fair on her boyfriend (a friend and colleague of mine). Truth be told, it just didn't feel right. That's the story as regards to all of my romantic encounters.

     I hadn't thought about this for a long while. Because I've transitioned my life has been split into two parts and things in the first part are like another life. As regards to Sara, it never amounted to much. I ruined everything, much like I always did back then. I do think that sub conciously things never seemed right as regards to me and women. I tried to fit into the stereotypical bloke role in relationships but it always felt strange and as though I was being something I wasn't. I was playing a part a guess. Of course, now things have turned out the way they have, these feelings make sense but at the time it was all very confusing. I guess that that's the beauty of memories. It's important for your future to be able to make sense of your past.

My Transexual Summer, part 2

I've just watched the second episode of My Transsexual Summer C4's new documentary. This week I related to a lot more that went on and it has really made me think again. It wasn't just the male to females that I could relate to either. A lot that the female to male transsexuals said also made a lot of sense in my own life. At the end of the day we are all on the same journey. We are all striving to achieve a body that matches our mind, to feel comfortable and happy in our own skin. Saying that I'm really glad that I'm not going the other way. There's the chest surgery which leaves a scar like a shark bite and the genitals require four different operations over the course of a year! If I just go for the genital op then it's one four hour op if everything goes ok. Obviously I could have a boob job or an op on my Adams apple but I'm not sure that these are available on the NHS. Anyway, getting back on topic.

     Last episode, Karen underwent her Vaginoplasty and so this week we caught up with her as she recovered in hospital. It got a couple of the other girls talking and they spoke about not really being bothered about the surgery. Once again this got me thinking about my own surgery somewhere in the future. I am going to have it, I'm not getting second thoughts about that at all. I think it's important to think about the reasons for it though. I don't hate my current genitals, I dislike them and they are a sign that I'm between genders. They make it impossible for me to feel confident pursuing possible romantic interests also. They also make it hard to wear certain kinds of clothes. I also want to go swimming! Of all the things that I'm looking forward to once those bandages come off, being able to go to the swimming baths is surprisingly high on the list.

     This week, Sarah, the girl at the beginning of her journey told her mum about her gender issues and it brought back a lot of memories for me. Not just the coming out part but when the girls spoke about coming down the stairs in a skirt for the first time. I can still remember how terrified I was for anyone to see me dressed  for the first time. Also, one of the girls, Drew, spoke about being scared to go out. For me, it's something that I've just battled through. I live by a major rule since I began my transition in that I make a point of not letting my transition alter the way in which I live my life. If I want to go somewhere then I just do it. Sure I have reservations sometimes and there are places that I try and avoid if I can, but they are places I'd avoid anyway. As for doing things and living life, you can't let a simple thing like having a sex change put you off!

My Transsexual Life

Like most of the transgender population I settled down to watch My Transsexual Summer the other night. I've already done a review of the show on my other blog, The Telly Addict so I'm not going to review it again on this blog. I'm going to talk about how it made me feel and any after thoughts I have.

     I admit that before the program aired I had many reservations about it. I think that I'm building a bit of a life for myself these days and the last thing I needed was for a television show to ruin that. I didn't want it to sensationalize what being trans is all about. I'm normal and I wanted this show to show that being trans doesn't make you a freak and that we are human.

     Thankfully, as a whole, the show was very well done. It showed a human side and I could reconcile a lot of my own memories with those of the participants. It did make me think though. One of the main things that being trans does is it brings definition into your life. When you're not defining yourself, other people are. Because we are brought up believing that there are only 2 genders, boy and girl, we need to find where we are. Are we more girl than boy, more boy than girl or are we in the middle somewhere. One of the participants spoke about the 3rd gender and I guess that I fit myself in there somewhere. I hate defining myself because that means putting a label on myself. I'm transsexual but I certainly don't refer to myself as that, not when I can help it anyway. I don't see myself as a woman yet because the reflection in the mirror tells me otherwise. I do see myself as being female though and I guess that that is the key in defining where I am on the whole gender scale.

     The other thing the show did was to make me think about my long term goal. Every now and then I do think about the big op at the end of all this. I'm absolutely terrified about it, who wouldn't be, but I do know that it's what I need to do. It's the biggest thing I'll need to go through and so I'm bound to be nervous. Every day it get's that bit closer and although I'm scared and nervous I'm really looking forward to it.

12 or bust!

I've been a bit ill recently. Nothing to be concerned about, just a cold, albeit a quite vicious one. I think that it's the sudden cooling in the temperature that we seem to have undergone. I do seem to get colds quite easily though. It seems that I'm permanently on the lemsips at this time of year!

     Feeling ill aside, things aren't going too badly at the moment. I'm trundling through life, taking things as they come. I guess that it's all leading up to a couple of big events next year. Firstly I'm 30 in march. I was terrified at hitting 29 and now that the big 3-0 is fast approaching I'm very anxious. I know that I'll wake up on March 15th and things will still be the same. I'll be a day older than on the 14th, that's all. Being 30 does have a kind of significance though, as though it's all downhill from then on. I'm pretty sure that I'll be thinking a lot about the significance of hitting 30 over the course of the next 4 months.

     Secondly (and perhaps more important that hitting 30), next year may also be when I become all woman. I'm not naive enough to put my life on that, but I am kinda hoping it is. I'm not very superstitious but one thing that does concern me is the number 13. I do not like 13, I never have. If we get a pre-order of dishes at work and they want 13 of a particular dish, I always do 14. I try and avoid 13 wherever possible. I really don't want to have the biggest operation of my life in a year that ends in 13. Obviously, the op is the big thing here so if it comes down to having it in 2013 then I'll go along with that. That's not to say that I'll be completely comfortable with it though. Of course with recent increases in waiting times, I am expecting the late part of 2012 at the earliest.

   

Small Changes To Make Things Better

I'm 30 in less than 6 months and It's causing me to reflect a lot. I know I need to make changes in my life and yet I'm struggling to make them. The truth is that I'm finding motivation a bit of a problem. It's crazy really because I made the biggest change anyone can make in transitioning. The changes I need to make now are small in comparrison.

     Firstly I need to lose weight. I'm not fat as such I'm just not thin either. I have a growing belly and it needs to be nipped in the bud so to speak. I know how I'm putting the weight on. I nibble a lot in work. The odd chip here, the odd bit of meat there, it all mounts up. I reckon that I eat the equivalent of a meal just through the bits I nibble during a working day. I've started cutting that down and my hands red raw at the end of a shift with the amount of times I slap it! I've even started having fruit as a snack if I'm hungry. It is proving to be very hard though. 

     I also get next to no exercise. This has got worse since I've had my car and it needs to be addressed. I'm putting together a bit of an exercise plan, something I can do after work. I'm also going to start running abit and walking to places rather than driving. I weighed myself tonight and I'm 12 stone exactly. If I can get down to 10 1/2 then I'll be happy. It's not beyond the realms of possibility.

     Secondly I need to feel more feminine. Before I went full-time I always wore skirts or dresses whenever I dressed. These days I live in leggings. I know that this is because I'm not happy with my body image but hopefully the weight loss will help with this. I guess that another thing is that before full-time I needed those moments to feel feminine wheras everyday dressing has to be about comfort. I will start to wear more skirts and more femine things though and I'm going to attempt a few new styles, find one I'm happy with. 

     Thirdly I need a relationship. This one is the hardest one to address because of where I am in life. I'm in transition which means that I'm neither in one place or another. I could still be in this transitional state for another 2 years. If I'm going to be in a relationship now then they need to be aware of my transgender status. In all honesty, my internet footprint is big enough to ensure that my transgender status is pretty much an open thing anyway. I just need someone to be ok with it. I'm not naive to believe that everyone will be fine about it. By the same token this is who I am so if someones not ok with it then there's no room for them in my life. 

     I guess that I need to feel that I'm not in transition. To be in transition sugests that you're a work in progress, not the finished article and I really don't like feeling like that. Maybe it's just my impatient nature, maybe it's the fact that I've got used to things happening quickly. My route through the GIC has been rather qiuick. I do need to be patient though and I need to get certain things together before I can get involved with someone romantically. I would love a bit of romance in my life though. 

   

My Coming Out Journey

Today is National Coming Out day so I hear. I'm pretty sure that I'm out to everyone by now or at least I hope I am. Coming Out was not an easy thing for me to do but it was absolutely necessary if I wanted to live this life. It's so strange to think that there was a time when nobody knew. It is such an alien thought to me now. On 'Breaking Free' I made three posts that stand out to me as regards to coming out. They each represent me making bigger steps out of that closet.

     The first post is the one I wrote after telling my mum about my gender issues.

Saturday 25^th April 2009 1:54am

It's all about the baby steps - Telling My Mum

''I'm Transgender ''. Two words that I've said to myself a thousand times over the last 8 or 9 years. Saying them to your mum is much harder than saying them to yourself, as I discovered tonight. It must've taken me ten minutes to finally spit them out. Ten minutes which started with '' I have something big to tell you '', then a lot of mumbling and finishing with ''I'm Transgender''. It has to be one of the hardest things I've ever said to anyone in my life. It's been a long 9 days since I was stood behind that door at the rembrandt annex, scared of stepping out into the street. And now, I was sat in the living room nearly in tears as I told my mother about my trans feelings and thoughts. I did actually cry when I told her of my dark times just before christmas. Before I told her, I had run through the various scenarios repeatably in my head. I had imagined her disowning me, telling me it was just a phase, refusing to accept it, all bad. Stupid really as my mother is very open-minded. She was really good about it and I feel stupid for even believing that she would disown me. She started asking questions such as .....Did I have a wig (she was quite suprised when I told her that I had 3), Where did I buy my clothes (She said I was brave when I said that I shopped on the highstreet), How did I hide my beard shadow, What did I do about clothing sizes. I answered honestly and told her a bit about my two trips to Canal Street. I also told her about the Northern Angels and Northern Concord. All in all it was a pleasent suprise. She told me that she'd also known I was different and that it was okay and a perfectly normal thing. After telling her I began to feel a strange sensation. It was as though a weight had been lifted. I had always wondered what it would be like to tell my mum and now I knew. I also feel that bit more accepting of who I am. My world has brightened up a bit too and life should be a bit more different from now on. I'm not going to start dressing infront of my mum just yet (my father doesn't know) but I've now overcome an obstical. Should I decide on GRS in the future I also know that I've got my mothers support and hopefully one day I'll have my fathers. It's all about taking it slow at the moment though. One thing I've learned from being a T-Girl is that nothing happens over night and you cannot rush things. It's all about the baby steps.

     Things got harder after that but eventually they got better to the stage that I'm going through my transition with both parents full support.

     The second post was when my boss at work told me that he knew. This was the first time that I knew that anyone outside the family knew about my gender issues. It paved the way for my full coming out.

Monday 7^th September 2009 12:20am

A World Exclusive!!!!

Well, what a night!! At the end of my shift in work my head chef took me to one side. He said that he wasn't sure how to approach this and that he would just come out with it. I thought I was getting sacked, or at least a warning. I don't know why, I mean I do work hard, but when your boss takes you 'outside' for a chat it normally only means one thing. But I'm still in a job. So what happened? What is this 'WORLD EXCULSIVE'? Well I'm going to tell you. He asked me about 'The Secret Life Of Emma'. Now when he said that, it was as though a meteorite had flown across the sky and hit me square in the chest. It was the very last thing I was expecting. Then followed a conversation that I had not been expecting to have for at least a year. A couple of months ago a workmate got murdered so I mentioned her by name in a post. My head chef googled her and my blog came up in the search engine. The lady that died has a sister called Emma and so my head chef thought that it was her blog so he clicked on it. And then my blog popped up and the cat was out of the bag. So what made him approach me after 2 months of knowing? Well on friday night I had a bit of 'Emma' time and on Saturday I went into work with a bit of foundation still on. I had completely missed it but it couldn't have been much to be fair. But anyway the breakfast chef clocked it and mentioned it to my head chef who said that it couldn't be. So tonight he approached me to warn me a little bit that other people were suspicious. I have the utmost respect for him anyway as he has worked himself up from trainee to head chef, but after tonight that respect is increased ten-fold. He told me that I always have a job and that if other people in work have a problem then they have him to answer to. He also said that should I go full time then I could expect his support and my job would be safe. He also mentioned that I always have a job with him. It feels really strange to be fair. I did suspect that he may have known a few months ago when in work he mentioned an old school friend who he'd just got back in touch with. This mate was transitioning and my head chef started going on about how he didn't have a problem with it and that this mate was still the same person. I am now convinced that this mate doesn't exist and that he was hinting at me. I had my suspicions at the time but now I am convinced. To be honest I can't believe that I am writting this post, I really can't. He was so sympathetic to my situation and the fact that he is a year younger than me makes his acceptance that bit more unbelievable some-how. God, to think that 4 months ago no one knew, now every sod knows lol. All I need now is for it to be a segment on The One Show lol. To be honest though, the carefullness I had prided myself on over the years has gone out of the window the last 4 or 5 months. It was only a matter of time before my Transgender and work lives collided. 

     The final post is the one I wrote when I came out to everyone on Facebook with a status report. I had been planning it for a few days and had written one or two cryptic status reports hinting at a big reveal. In 4 days time I'll actually be marking the 2 year anniversary of my final coming out. 

Sunday 18^th October 2009 11:38pm

A Bigger World Exclusive Than Last Time!!!

What a weekend!! I am now out of the closet. And I mean all the way out, with the closet booked for a date with Mr Bonfire. Basically all last week I had been having thoughts about telling the world about Emma. I had decided that I would use my Facebook page to do so. So I started posting little teasers for my Status Reports. Remarks like 'Watch This Space' and 'Hope You're Watching This Space' were frequent. Then on Friday night I posted the following report...

Paul Jewkes has something to say. For 20 years he's been hiding away and denying who he is. Living a life which he has not really been happy living. This state of mind has caused him to think seriously about suicide on a number of occasions. Things came to a head after a recent car accident in which Paul wished he had perished due to the complexities and general unhappiness inherent in his everyday life. You see Paul is infact Transgendered and has been all of his life. He is very open about it when asked, and understands that people will all have their own opinions. All he asks for is the respect that he has earned after 20 odd years of fear, confusion and self loathing.P.S. Told you to watch this space lol.

And that was that, the cat was out of the bag. The fact that most of my workmates are also facebook friends means that things are truly out in the open. Saturday in work was strange. Mainly due to the fact of how low I felt. I was happy to be out but by being out, I felt like I had lost something. The one thing that had been mine was in the open.Today I feel a lot better about it. The freedom that I have gained through being 'out' will take a lot of getting used to, that I'm sure about. I have gained this power, and to be honest I'm not exactly sure how to handle it yet.Last night I posted another status report with a link. I want people to understand and not be confused about what being Transgender means. So I began another Blog and wrote a post about why I'm me. I will be adding to that Blog now and again so feel free to follow it. This blog will continue being my main posting station though.<br /><br /><a href="http://the-me-you-never-knew.blogspot.com/">http://the-me-you-never-knew.blogspot.com/</a><br /><br />I have had one or two messages of support, one from a mate tonight. He sent a message on Facebook and said that he'd known for months. Makes me wonder who else knew. Im expecting a lot of questions over the next couple of months, once the news filters around work. I think that I'm ready for them. Only time will tell.

So there you have it, my own coming out journey. Of course, things were a bit more complex than these three posts can tell but I think the end result is still the same. I'm a lot happier being out and had I not come out then I'd still be secretly dressing. I'd still be living as a man and above all I'd still be deeply unhappy.

The Day I Was Proved Right

I've filmed and uploaded another Vlog post. It's the first one with my new webcam and I'm sure that you can tell the difference. The sound is a lot better and so is the picture. I think that after 4 episodes I'm finally happy with the results. I also think that the 1 month gap is quite a nice period between videos. A couple of years ago I'd have been filming everyday as so much seemed to happen on a daily basis. These days things have slowed down quite a lot.

     I've been enjoying editing 'Breaking Free...' in preparation for getting it published. It's been great to read the journey I've come on and I think that it could make a very good book. I've also been looking through my old letters from the therapist I saw before I got referred to the G.I.C. as well as the ones from the G.I.C. I've been careful to save any correspondance regarding my dealings with my Gender issues for posterity. The best part in all of these letters was this snippet...

'In summary, we support a diagnosis of gender identity disorder and entry to our treatment programme.'


     It still makes me smile just thinking about it. I guess that it's like when a dyslexic finds out that they have an actual medical condition and that they aren't stupid. For me, getting that diagnosis proved what I already knew, that I should've been born a girl. It proved that I was a victim of a set of chemical circumstances that were out of my control. When I heard that diagnosis on the 20th July 2010 my life began to make sense.

The Most Important Blog Post

I been thinking about what the most important blog post I ever wrote was. I've written some pretty big ones in the past 3 or 4 years but which one was the most important. There is one that truly changed my life although at the time I'd never have guessed at how important. It was a simple memorial to a murdered work colleague that set in course a set of circumstances that truly changed my life. It is also a post that should act as a warning to those bloggers who wish to stay in the closet. Basically a work colleague got murdered and I posted a short post about her. My other work mates, wanting to find out about her murder case, Googled her name. My Blog came up on the first page of search results. I was lucky in that it would be a few months before people began to tell me that they knew and that most would allow me to 'come out' before telling me they already knew. It definately made the 'coming out' thing a whole lot easier and it also brought it forward I guess. I'm not sure that I would even be fully out now had things not been fast forwarded.

 Friday 10^th July 2009 3:20am

Perspective Duly Recieved

Got some bad news yesterday when I was informed of the death of a co worker. I'd known her on and off for 9 years and had worked with both her sons at different points. She was found shortly before 6 am yesterday morning, dead by the side of the road. As of writting her husband has been questioned and the general feeling is that it was a Hit and Run. I was only speaking to her a few days ago, and so her death came as a great shock to me. She was only 43 and was one of the most honest and genuine people you could ever wish to meet. No one could ever have a bad word to say about her. An extremely premature death indeed. Her death has really brought it home to me how fragile and precious life truly is. With out a seconds notice anyone of us can be plucked from this mortal coil. It's brought a lot of perspective to my life too. I can't imagine how her two sons must be feeling. RIP Colette Daffin, you will be sincerely missed

Old Times Revisited

I've been spending the last couple of days editing 'Breaking Free From The Bud' into some kind of publishable form. It's been really interesting reading some of my old posts, posts I can't remember writing. It's been a good thing, revisiting old times. I've come so far in the past 3 years that I've condensed about 10 years of events into that time. Coming out to my family and the subsequent weeks of constant emotional change made for pretty hard reading. Things are so good and normal now that I'd forgotten how tough those early days out of the closet actually were. The following post was posted on the day I came out to my mum, a few hours before.

23^rd April 2009 6:39pm

If I don't know what I want, how can I expect other people to?

 What do I want? It's aquestion that I wake up in the morning to, and a question I fall asleep at night to. What do I want from this life? This life that I was given 27 years ago, yet that I'm not making the most of. I'm alive, but I wouldn't say that I'm living. I'm merely going through each day content with my lot. Content, because I'm too lazy and because I hate aggro. You see, if I followed what I think I want then my life would be turned on it's head. I always thought that I knew what I wanted from being a t-girl. When I started dressing 11 years ago, I was content with the odd bout of dress-up. I only got to dress every so often when I was alone in the house. Then there came a time when that wasn't enough and I needed to feel feminine more and more. Then came the events of last year. A walk up to some cliffs where I had the full intention of jumping. I'm ashamed (as I've said before on an earlier post) but I'd reached a point wherby I didn't see a way out. I was deeply depressed and the reasons, in my eyes, were legitamate. I didn't want to be me anymore. Before that walk I was sobbing uncontrollably in a toilet just wanting the feeling of self loathing to go away. I wanted to be a girl at that point. I wanted to be me. I'd had to pretend to be someone else for 7 months, unable to express myself in the way I need to. I don't know whether I'm TS because it's too easy to jump to that conclusion, all I know is that something has to give. If that'd been the only time then I might have brushed it off as too much drink, but it happened again on Boxing day. I was all ready to jump off the balcony to the apartment where I lived. At that point I realised that I needed help, and I needed to leave Spain and come back to the UK. I'd always thought that the days of confusion were behind me. I thought I'd left them behind 7 years ago but I was wrong. I think I do need to talk to somebody. I just don't have a clue what I want and what the future holds and it scares me. I'm not suicidal and I'm not about to end it all. Since those events in Spain I've vowed to never get into such a place again.

This was quite a hard post to read because it made a lot of the old emotions come flooding back. I think though that it's good to revisit such feelings and emotions as it puts things into perspective. It's easy to forget where we once were and what once drove us. It's also easy to forget that it's times like that that shape our character.

A Shiny Thing

I've quickly moved from the 'Not a home' stage into the 'New toy' stage. Wheras yesterday I felt like this new corner of the web wasn't quite homely yet, I'm now wanting to play with it and touch it all the time. It's new and shiny and it's all mine. This post for instance is for no other reason than to do something with my 'new toy'. I've got plenty to write about, plenty to get down but it's all in a certain order. I need to begin this 2nd volume right and in some kind of order.

     Firstly I need to get down a few posts like this one to reassert myself in the blogging world. While it is a continuation of my life story it is still at a different address, in a different part of the web. I've been quickly posting links to it on the support forums, facebook, twitter, etc. I may have to start writting the adress on motorway bridges before shinning it onto Big Ben FHM style.

     The good thing about this blog is that it feels young. Wheras 'Breaking Free From the Bud' felt old and somewhat tired, this feels young and vibrant with a whole future spread out before it. I guess that towards the end I kinda new that 'Breaking Free...' was coming to its natural conclussion hence the reason the posts became less and less. This is my 3rd post in 2 days on this blog although I think that that is because it's all shiny and new.

It's Not A Home....Yet.

This is strange, kinda weird. It's like I've moved into a new house. It doesn't quite feel like home yet. I've spruced the place up a bit, thrown a bit of colour on the walls. I've even got a bit of furniture, it just doesn't feel right yet. I'm sure it will in time. The trouble is that I kinda feel like I'm betraying my old blog by starting over again. I just need to keep telling myself that this is Emma Volume 2 and not a brand new book. It's the sequel if you like. 

     One thing I will be doing over the coming days is re-posting the most important posts from 'Breaking Free of the Bud.' I'm also going to be finally putting it into some kind of publishable form. It'd be a shame for it to be left without a wider audience reading it. 

Hello, My Name is Emma and I'm Transgender...

Hello, well I guess you found my new home. This is hopefully the first post of many. If you followed my last blog, Breaking Free of the Bud' then you can expect much of the same from this one. This isn't a replacement to that blog, more a continuation. I've broken free of the bud and this blog will reflect that. As the title suggests, I'm in transition. Over the next few weeks you can expect many tweaks to the look and feel of this blog but one thing that you can rely on is honesty. I hope that you'll join me on this next chapter of my life during what will no doubt be an eventful few years.