Ever since I transitioned, I've often wondered what a school
reunion would be like. It's that age old stereotypical thing isn't it, often
played out on the telly and in the movies. A school reunion and someone shows
up who has had a sex change! Now, at school I didn't enjoy the best of times. I
didn't fit in, was different. I was quiet, tended to get on with things. As
such I was either ignored or picked on which are both as bad as each other
really. I certainly put a lot of my confidence issues as well as my inferior
complex down to my treatment in school. Because of that, some would question my
decision to attend a school reunion. But it's precisely because of what I
experienced at school that I needed to go. I needed to show people that I'm not
that quiet little boy anymore, that I've made something of myself and become a
woman determined to live the best life she can! I also wanted to see people
again, find out what they'd been up to in the 17 years since we all saw each
other last.
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| L-R Jared, Me, Adam, Lindsey, Danny, Jordon, Gemma and Laura |
The idea of a school reunion was always bobbing around but
it was only following the shocking and sad death of a fellow class of 98er that
it really gathered steam and actually happened. We arranged to meet up in town
and all in all in was a success. I had decided to drive mainly because I wanted
to keep a clear head during what could have been quite an awkward and trying
evening. Also, I didn't want the hangover today! Because I didn't want to get to
the meeting place on my own, I arranged to meet some of the girls at one of
there homes. We had a quick drink before heading into town. The girls were Gemma,
Lisa and Emma and I could vaguely remember them from school. I think it's
perhaps worth noting that everyone who attended the reunion knew of my
transition via FaceBook. Some of them had even read my book or were in the
process of doing so. Anyway, we got to the meet and then I began to feel out of
my depth. The last time I felt close to that was when I first attended a works
party as Emma back in 2009. I felt alone and like I didn't fit in and certain
feelings I'd not felt since school came flooding back. It didn't feel right for
some reason. Thankfully, these feelings began to subside once I got talking to
people and soon I felt at ease with the situation. It was great to be finding
out what people had been getting up to and how they had changed.
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| L-R Dean, Kerry, Nicola, Jordon, Me, Adam, Lisa and Gemma |
On the whole, everyone was truly respectful and positive
towards me. I did get ‘dead named’ a few times but all were accidental apart
from one. At school, one of my bullies was someone called Ryan. I can
remember seeing him a couple of years ago so he was aware of my change and at the time,
he'd justified his actions by suggesting that he used to look out for me. He didn't
though, not really. He was a ringleader and would often coerce others into
picking on me. At the reunion I didn't really speak to him and I was busy
chatting to someone else when he called out, ‘Paul, you alright?’. It was a
deliberate measure designed to humiliate me in front of everyone. I felt a heat
rise in me and I heard one of those he was attempting to impress tell him off.
Still, I felt like bursting into tears. It was a truly awful moment because in
that moment I remembered every little jibe he'd made at school, every little
comment, every wedge of confidence he'd knocked chipped from me. I needed to get out of
there so I ran. I went into the toilets and locked myself in a cubicle. I'm
proud to say that I didn't cry. I shook and I felt an extreme anger but I did
not cry. Now, a couple of years ago I would have. I'd have cried my eyes out
which just shows how far I've come! A couple of the other girls came in to check
on me and they all made me feel so much better. A couple of them even had quiet
words with Ryan, forcing him to apologise. It wasn't enough though because in that
instant, he reduced me. He attempted to take away everything I've fought for in
my life, everything I've been through and what I've become. He also showed that
he's the same bully he always was, that the past 17 years have had no effect on
him in terms of growth or maturity. I actually pity him because of that and I'm
happy that everyone saw him for what he always was!
Apart from him, everyone was great. They treated me normally,
with respect and I truly feel that I've made new friends now. It was a truly
humbling experience at times! One thing I did get a certain amount of was
apology, apology for how I'd been treated at school. We were kids though and
kids are nasty. Kids don't truly understand how their actions can effect others
and so how can you really be angry towards them? What happened at school
happened and in the grand scheme of things I'm stronger because of that. When
Ryan tried to apologise to me for ‘dead naming’ me I told him that it wasn't
on, that you can't do things like that to people. He understood that what he
did affected me, he knew that even as he did it! I'm not who I was at school,
I'm much stronger than I was because of the life I've had. I've literally stood
on the edge of oblivion and I came back and I refuse to let anyone reduce me
again!
I'm going to end this post on a note of positivity in saying
again that I was so touched by how I was allowed in, how accepting people were.
I'm actually beginning to regret my choice to move to Wales in September
now because I feel like I've made some more friends. That's for another
blog post though so for now I'll just say that I can't wait to catch up with
them again.
