I Forgot Where I Came From

Trans pride is happening and it's got me thinking. It's got me remembering where I came from and certain parts of my journey I'd actually forgotten. I'm kinda ashamed because once upon a time that was something I swore I would never do. Forget where I came from. I know that it's a consequence of moving on and embracing a 'normal' life. You can't move on without letting go of certain aspects of your life. 

The aspects of my life I did let go of were parts I still don't think I needed, not anymore at least. They were remnants of another life, back when I was just discovering who and what I was. I needed the support and the self-belief they gave me you see. 

At the end of the day I'm trans. However much I see myself as a woman, I'm still trans and that will never change. The experiences I've had are those of a trans woman and nothing can ever change that. Sure, I can stay away from Sparkle and Trans Pride, make an effort not to meet with other trans people but all that has done is isolate me. 

I've got friends and a loving and supportive family. Even my brother has come round now! I am surely the luckiest of trans women in that respect. None of them can relate to me though and that's not a slight on them or their character. The only people who know what a trans person is going through is another trans person. We share the same experiences and insecurities and we know what transition is like. 

I can't honestly tell you of any trans friends I have and that realisation, I had this evening, is so upsetting and disgusting in many senses. I still get pangs of dysphoria, still have moments where I feel lost in the world and my self-confidence fails. Who do I talk to about these things? Nobody, I just bottle them up and absorb them. I follow other trans people on Twitter and have trans 'friends' on Facebook but they aren't real friends. This is something I know I need to rectify and that I will. 

I'm going to Trans Pride next year and in the mean time I'm going to make an effort. I need to be an active part of the community I forgot about. I need to be back among my people!