5 Years Of Blogging:-Depression In Blackpool

A week after I told my mum, she told the rest of my immediate family. It was a bit of a shock to me because metally I really wasn't prepared for everyone to know. I had a few texts and a lot of questions as my sisters, brother and parents attempted to get their head around things. At the time I couldn't really look beyond my own feelings because I was in a bit of a mess. I tried to see it from their point of view but it was hard at times. Just over a month later I went on a little 4 day break in Blackpool with the parents. It was nice but while there I had a little 'episode' which spawned the following post, How Can You Be Alive But Not Living? on Thursday 28th May 2009

I'm going to warn you in advance, this is a long and quite depressing post. What a supprise, I can almost here you think it. One day, this Blog will boast loads of happy posts I promise, but this is a story of my life and at the moment, my life is quite depressing.
Tonight marked the Champions League final and the possibility of Utd claiming a 2nd Euro crown in a row. They lost, but that wasn't the major news of the night. My night out at Pink Punters on Saturday is canncelled after the 'Girl' I was going with pulled out due to work. After that I kinda needed Utd to win, but alas it wasn't meant to be. I feel really let down, but never mind. Worse things happen at sea.
After the game, I popped out of the hotel, just down the promenade to Yates ( I'm currently on a four day break in Blackpool) and had a couple of drinks. I then decided to walk up to Linekers for a late drink. It was closed, but the walk along the sea-front gave me plenty of thinking time.
I just feel really low at the moment and it's starting to concern me that these mini depresions are getting more and more frequent. It seems that every other week I think about whether I'd be better off dead and that I don't want to feel this empty and alone any more. It scares me to be honest because I just don't know what to do. I'm truly lost in my life, and when things seem to get better they suddenly go bad. One step forward, two steps back is what I seem to be doing. On one hand I've got the ultimate choice and SRS but on the other hand, I've got my family. Do I want to be a woman? Yes. Can I see myself being a woman one day? Yes, I think so. Would I be happy? Yes. Would my family accept me as Emma and not Paul? I don't think so. That's it you see, I've got my overall happiness and well-being and my families happiness, both on opposite sides. My family accept the fact that I need to dress and portray as a woman, but I'm not so sure they'd accept me being Emma permanently. Would my neices and nephews accept Auntie Emma into their lives as much as they accept Uncle Paul?
I'm alive but I'm not living and I'm just so terrified of getting to my deathbed and having the regret that on my headstone it'll read Paul and not Emma. I understand that I'm at the beginning of a long and lonely path, but I'd give anything right now for that magic pill. You know, the one that makes you a girl overnight. The one I dreamt of taking all those years ago.

I can remember feeling so depressed that night. Blackpool was so quiet, eerily quiet. The weather was wet and there was a chill breeze. I got back to the hotel and instantly wrote the post and it helped.