All Hunky Dory in Emma-World, Despite The Odd Dysphoric Cloud

This is me now!!!!

I used to post on this blog a fair old bit didn't I. Those were the days when I needed to blog, when I needed to let stuff out. It's important to keep things from getting to a stage when they can really cause problems and I always released that stuff by writing about it! It allowed me a voice without my having to actually sit down across from someone and talk about it. Talking about stuff makes it real, it makes it an actual issue and I need to know that there were no issues. I guess that it's my way of navigating through life and it works. Writing is therapy, personal therapy and it really does work. That's why I blogged while I was transitioning because I needed that therapy. By blogging, I was talking my issues out, I had an audience yet I couldn't see that audience. When you can't see an audience, can't know of their reactions, how can you be judged? I don't like being judged, don't like feeling judged either!

So, why did I suddenly decide to stop blogging. Well I didn't really. I've carried on posting to my television based blog but that's not real blogging. With this blog, I never planned a post. More often than not I would sit down in front of my laptop and just see what I churned out and that's what I always loved about blogging! It was personal and the posts were windows into how I was feeling! When I decided to stop this blog I filled the space it left behind by writing my book and since then I've not had the therapy or the outlet that writing gives me! That is why I'm going to reopen this blog, why I honestly doubt I'll ever stop blogging like this. This isn't planned, no notes have been made. This is simply me and my IPad and what ever my fingers are churning out and it's really helping me!

Why have I suddenly realised that I need to write like this, what has happened in my life for me to realise that I still need 'therapy'? Well, one word, Sociology! To cut a long story short, I'm doing an Access course at college and one of the classes is Sociology. We are currently studying Sex and Gender and certain aspects of the module are a bit too close to home. Last week we had to do a presentation explaining what a word in meant. We could choose either gender, sex, gender identity, sexuality, masculinity and femininity. I chose gender identity because it's something I know about having struggled with mine for many years. Before I carry on, I will say that my college group all know about my history and they have all been absolutely fantastic about it. I feel so accepted by them and long term readers to this blog will know how important acceptance is to me.

The day of the presentation came and I was so nervous. I opted to go first and I think I did okay. I used my own experience within the presentation and it was very well received. Once the presentation was over though, once I sat down in my seat, I just started crying. I quickly got myself back under control but I still felt incredibly emotional about it. Gender is a subject that is extremely close to me and talking about it is something I still find hard to do. It brings things back bubbling to the surface, things I thought I'd long since buried!

Today we had Sociology again and the main focus of the lesson was stereotypes between masculine and feminine. That was fine and I quite enjoyed it. Towards the end though we suddenly switched to stereotypes regarding transgender people. I felt myself start to shake and I felt my heart start to race. I suddenly felt like I was being opened up and examined and I didn't like it. I felt this bubbling sensation rise up from my feet and it swept over me and then the tears started. I could hear the discussion as it started but it sounded muffled and I realised that I just couldn't handle it. I stormed out of the class and into the corridor. I was shaking and I felt drunk. I thought I was going to collapse because I couldn't keep my balance. I somehow made it to the toilet and I locked myself in a cubicle and I just sobbed! I sobbed my eyes out! I felt judged and I felt so uncomfortable! In my life I've put myself into many situations that were uncomfortable and I've found a way to handle them. That though, I just couldn't handle it and I feel like a bit of a coward because of it. It was the old fight or flight reflex and I took the flight option. I ran because I honestly could not handle the situation I was put in! I don't walk away from things so I guess that the fact that I ran from this just shows the depth of feeling I had towards the whole thing!

A couple of other students from the class came out to make sure I was okay and the tutor apologised saying that she should've pre-warned me about the transgender part of the lesson. To be honest, I'm not sure whether a pre-warn would have made a great deal of difference. It might have at least prepared me though! 

So, where do I go from here? Do I let this get to me again or do I find a way to contol things and to battle ever on? I've got to try and find a way to fight and to keep this from getting to me. I'm not a coward! I have been experiencing a bit of a dysphoria flare up of late so perhaps that didn't help matters. Basically, even though I've transitioned, even though I am a woman in body, mind and legally, I still get times when I feel like a fraud. I feel like I'm being a fake and that I'm a freak. Whether it's down to unresolved issues, I don't know. Normally I can handle it. I paint a smile on and I get through to the rainbow beyond the clouds. It's my way and it works! Sometimes though, it is hard to pretend everything's hunky dory in EmmaWorld and all it takes is a trigger. Unfortunately, Sociology was the trigger today!