Nine Months of Acceptance

I instantly felt included and accepted despite initial doubts!

In September, I began a nine month long Access to HE course at college. To say I was nervous before I started is an understatement. Obviously, the fact that I'm trans caused a lot of those nerves. I know that I pass reasonably well but I knew that my trans status would likely come up at some point. I'm not exactly 'in the closet' on Facebook! Of course, I was concerned that people could feel uncomfortable and that I could find myself shunned by the group to a certain extent. In hindsight, i should have thought more of my fellow students, even at that early stage. The trouble with being trans is that not everybody is okay with it regardless how open we try and believe modern society to be. Whenever I meet anybody there is always that little thing in my mind that asks "What if they aren't okay with the trans thing?"

The trans thing didn't come up straight away, in fact it took a few weeks. When it did, I felt a mix of emotions. I had made certain bonds within the group and I felt ashamed that I'd not been honest from the start. I also felt embarrassed by the fact that I was trans which is stupid really because I'm not embarrassed about being trans. It's who I am and I am proud of that fact to a certain extent. I also felt vulnerable and that is perhaps the overriding emotion I felt, vulnerability. What if I wasn't accepted, there was nothing I could do about it. I had to take what ever I was given and I had to accept that. I wanted to get through the course. If I had been shunned then I would have continued the course as an outcast such was my determination to get to the promised land of University.

Kelly, Myself and Tammie at the Christmas meal!

I'm not entirely sure when the fact that I was trans became common knowledge within the group but when it bcaame apparent that everyone knew, it was handeled so sensitively. No one came right out with it to me, no one made me feel uncomfortable, no one treated me any differently. I was treated as an equal and as a valued member of the group and that was so important to me. It is something I will forever be thankful to them for, as a collective. Now, this isn't to say that it was all easy as I found when we began studying Sex and Gender Studies in Sociology. For a presentation on gender we had to do, I took the opportunity to talk a little bit about my own gender identity. I used my own experiences within the presentation and it took everything I had to deliver it. The week after, the topic of transgender came up and I just couldn't handle it. It was an exercise to discuss the stereotypes associated with masculine, feminine and transgender and so I felt judged. I had to get out of there so I fled the classroom and had a bit of a panic attack in the corridor. I couldn't breath, couldn't keep my balance, I just lost control. Following the episode, I had a long chat with my lecturer who was so
great about everything.

Since then, I've had the time of my life on the course. I have quite literally loved every moment. I've been accepted as a woman, as a valued member of the group. I feel a part of things, as though I'm respected. Those things are things we all should expect but which very few people in my situation truly get. I may come across as soppy at times with how I go on about how thankful I am for acceptence but that's because I don't treat it as a given. I know that not everyone will accept me for what I am and I know that not everyone will respect me for it. They will see trans before they see the person underneath. That is why I am truly thankful for every ounce of respect and acceptance I get. That is why being called a girl to my face brings me out in a smile, why being referred to as she and her makes me happy for the rest of the day. Every time I'm accepted as a female and treated as such, I feel a warm glow of joy inside. That is why I appreciate each and every one of my fellow students in my college group and why I will never forget this nine months I've had the pleasure of spending in their company.

A night out with the college group!
From L-R
Back Row - Dave, ?????, Me, Jack, Jo, Josh H
Front Row - Rachel (not on the course), Tammie, Kelly, Paige, Katie

The college group at Christmas!
From L - R
Back Row - Leanne, Emily, Katie, Jack, Me, Josh H, Sarah S, Andy W, Andy Y, Dave
Middle Row - Jo, Paige, Abi, Josh C
Front Row - Kelly, Tammie