So, this morning I told my boss that I'll need time off next year for the op. She was completely fine about it and so I even told her why I need an op. She didn't bat an eyelid. I still think that she already knew about my gender, or at least had inklings. She was a little too fine, if you know what I mean.
Last night I had a look at my old blog, Breaking Free of the Bud, and I was hit by an unbelievable coincidence. I started that Blog on the 24th March 2008 , five years from the date when I'm due to have SRS! Im not a great believer in fate, I don't like to believe that our lives are already written. When you are hit by a coincidence such as that, it does make you think though. In that first post I talked about a job offer I'd received from a restaurant in Spain. I knew that my 'dressing' would have to take a serious back seat and so it was a hard choice to make. What made it harder was that just a week before I'd enjoyed my first night out as Emma. Now five years on, I'm due to have my SRS. It was written, surely.
Last night another thing happened. I had an SRS related dream. I was in the hospital and on the ward. I'd been talking with a few of the other patients and had shaved myself down there. Then it was time to be taken down for the op. A nurse came and wheeled me down on the bed and I was wheeled into a small room. There, the nurse started sticking needles in me and 'prepping' me for the op. Then Mr Bellringer walked in and started speaking to me about the procedure before putting my legs on these hoist things and lifting them up. At that moment the nurse said 'right, we're all set. Now, count down from five with me'. I started counting down and slowly drifted out of consciousness. Next thing I know, I'm waking up. It took me a while before I realised (with a bit of disappointment) that it had only been a dream and that I still had 178 days to wait (not that I'm counting down or anything). I'm almost certain that this won't be the last of the SRS related dreams, infact I'd be kinda annoyed if it
was.
I'm actually doing a lot of reading at the moment, scouring the Internet for accounts from people who've actually had the op. I'm in a bit of a planning frenzy you could say, making lists over what I'll need for the hospital stay and what I'll need for the recovery period. I'm even making a list of films and tv shows to put on my IPad to pass the time if need be. It's amazing the little tips you pick up though. I was reading through someones account yesterday (hence the dream) and she suggested Dry Shampoo as you can't shower until your vaginal packing comes out. I would never have even considered that. It just goes to show that you can never plan enough.
Wednesday, 26 September 2012
Tuesday, 25 September 2012
An End In Sight
You many have noticed a slight difference in the appearence of this blog. It's something I do every now and again to keep things fresh. Also the time is right because my life, and this blog, has reached a point whereupon an end point can be seen. I'm not naive enough to think that the op is the end of my transition. Essentially I'll be 'in transition' for the rest of my life. The op does represent a change though and the end of a volume of my life. I certainly feel that there will become a point where transition will become an after thought, rather than the dominance it currently is. There will come a point when I post on this blog less and less until I forget about it entirely. I don't want that to happen and so I will end this blog at some point, probably next summer.
I mentioned in my previous posts that things feel different now. It feels like autumn and not just because the turn in the weather. This has been a story 24 years in the making and I still can't believe that those dreams I had as a child will come true. As the quote above suggests, the beginning of my story, foretold it's end. Infact if you look at the 'My Story' part of this blog (above on the tabs) you will see the first paragraph....
'My first real memories regarding my gender issues occurred when I was maybe six or seven years old. I can remember lying in bed at night, in the enveloping darkness. I would often cry myself to sleep, hoping and praying that I’d wake up as a girl.'
I mentioned in my previous posts that things feel different now. It feels like autumn and not just because the turn in the weather. This has been a story 24 years in the making and I still can't believe that those dreams I had as a child will come true. As the quote above suggests, the beginning of my story, foretold it's end. Infact if you look at the 'My Story' part of this blog (above on the tabs) you will see the first paragraph....
'My first real memories regarding my gender issues occurred when I was maybe six or seven years old. I can remember lying in bed at night, in the enveloping darkness. I would often cry myself to sleep, hoping and praying that I’d wake up as a girl.'
I still can't quite believe that it will happen, in fact I'll probably still be pinching myself on the way to the hospital! It's all set though and I'm just awaiting the letter confirming the various dates and times.
Monday, 24 September 2012
I Have A Date!!!
Well I've just gotten off the phone to admissions down at CHX and I've got my date! At first I was offered a date in November and for a moment I paused before I said that it was too soon. I know that 80% of people in my position would have taken that date and if I'd been in my old job, so would I. I can't let my current employers down though by taking Christmas off and financially it would've been difficult. As it is I have a date slightly earlier than I anticipated (a whole month earlier) and that is great for me. The date is the 24th March and it'll be the earlier hours of that morning. It's a Sunday and I'll be admitted into Charing Cross on the morning of the 23rd. I've already been told that I won't be able to eat anything from 9:00am of that morning. I have to go down for a pre-assessment appointment on the 19th February.
So there you have it, I have that all important date. It's 180 days away (the same length of time it took Fog to circumnavigate the globe!) which sounds like a lot but it really isn't. It's 6 months which is actually enough time to get some money behind me and prepare for what will be a huge time in my life. Coincidentally my birthday is on the 15th March (a part of me was thinking how good that would be to have the op the night before my birthday. What a present that would've been!).
Now all that remains is to get Christmas out of the way and start thinking about a date that, although previously an insignificant date, will become the biggest date in my life.
So there you have it, I have that all important date. It's 180 days away (the same length of time it took Fog to circumnavigate the globe!) which sounds like a lot but it really isn't. It's 6 months which is actually enough time to get some money behind me and prepare for what will be a huge time in my life. Coincidentally my birthday is on the 15th March (a part of me was thinking how good that would be to have the op the night before my birthday. What a present that would've been!).
Now all that remains is to get Christmas out of the way and start thinking about a date that, although previously an insignificant date, will become the biggest date in my life.
Saturday, 22 September 2012
It Wasn't A Dream, Thank God!
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| Buckingham Palace |
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| Tower Bridge |
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| The old execution spot in the grounds of The Tower of London. |
Of course, Thursday's trip to London was about so much more than sightseeing. It was about a 10 minute moment when I met my future surgeon, Mr James Bellringer. I wrote my last blog posts on the day and I think that you sometimes need a nights sleep just to put things into context. On Thursday night I had a number of very strange and vivid dreams and I actually thought that Thursdays events had been a dream at first. It's only when I saw the notes the Clinical Nurse had given me that I realised that it had happened.
As you go along the transition route there's always that feeling of impending obstacles. You get the feeling that at some point you'll be stopped in your tracks by a negative decision. Whether it's a NO from your GP regarding a referral to the GIC, a NO from the GIC during your initial assessment. a NO from your GP regarding the prescription of Hormones, a NO from your GIC regarding a referral to a surgeon or a NO from your surgeon. The risk is ever present in your mind even if it's perhaps misplaced fear. Now I've got myself an operation (Mr Bellringers words!) I honestly feel that there is no stopping me. For the first time I really know that this is going to happen and so things are different. It's such a strange feeling to know that you are on the home straight.
Despite getting the go ahead for surgery, I'm still waiting on a date. I phoned up yesterday and she's going to phone on Monday to discuss the date. It will be sometime in April though I gather which isn't that bad. I'll just be happy to get a date I can work towards to be honest.
Thursday, 20 September 2012
London Bound and London At
07:59am
I'm now sat on the train on my way down to London. I'm due in London at around 10:16am which will give me 75 minutes to get to my appointment. I need to get the tube (Piccadilly line) to Barons Court where I'll have a short walk to Charring Cross. I'm not actually at the hospital for my appointment, instead I'm to go to a place above a Sainsburys just down the road. To say I'm nervous is a bit of an understatement. I want to wee, then I want to poo, then I just want to throw up. I've got a coffee that I'm too nervous to drink and the fact that I'm writing this post is a bit of a miracle lol. I do get myself into a state over these things. I'll be fine, I know I will. I guess tha I just want that date and a small part of me thinks that all this is just a practicle joke. I'm half expecting to find a heavily prosthetically enhanced Dom Joly and a room full of hidden cameras.
I actually phoned up yesterday to check my appointment and it's all ok and I'm seeing Mr Bellringer which is the surgeon I wanted all along. Im actually quite nervous about meeting him as he was the surgeon featured on 'My Transexual Summer'. He's been on television which makes him a minor celebrity in my eyes lol. Also, for the past few years I've been reading a lot of posts on various blogs by people who've had their SRS and the majority have had it done by Mr Bellringer so it is like he's a bit of a legend if you know what I mean. Anyway, I'm going to sign off now, I'll post again on the return journey.
12:12pm
Well, I arrived for my appointment in plenty of time. It wasn't as hard to find as I thought it was. I actually walked past Charring Cross Hospital (where I'll have the op) and I took along hard look at it. I guess that it became all the more real at that point. I've heard so much about the place over the past 3 or 4 years that it's become a bit of a personal mecca. Anyway, I arrived around 20 minutes early and sat down on one of the blue chairs. It's not a bad place actually, a bit better than Nottingham GIC. There's a lot more happening. There were a few other girls there,
most post-op and I got chatting to one. In the end I kinda wished I hadn't as she couldn't half talk bless her. Once she found out I was a chef that was it. I do enjoy my job but that's what it is, a job. Im not overly passionate about it and I kinda hate talking about it out of a kitchen. I prefer discussing the latest news stories or history. Anyway, she wasn't to know so I'll forgive her. While we were chatting a young girl came out if the examination room. She was pre-op and had been full-time for 6 years. She was 22 now and was so annoyed that she'd have to wait until April for the op.
At around 11:35 I was called into the examination room and Mr Bellringer was sat at his desk. I sat down and he started asking me a few questions about my living situation, alchohol intake, etc. Then came the physical examination. I had to lay on this bed with just the 'area' on show. He had a prod around and a look before I was told I could get changed again. He talked me though the op, told me the risks and 10 minutes later it was over. I'm fine for surgery although he said it wouldn't hurt me to loose a couple of pounds. I knew that part anyway so that was expected. The biggy was th hair removal situation. I've feared that for the past 3 years nearly because it has got to hurt. I don't need any though, I'm fine which is such a relief.
I was toLd to take this form to admissions which I did. The lady who normally deals with Mr Bellringers patients was out so Im expecting a call over the next day or so regarding an operation date. Im really happy with how its gone and it couldn't really have gone much better. The op will probably be around April which isn't too bad in the grand scheme of things. That'll give me an overall Full-Time to Surgery time of under 3 years which is pretty phenominal in my opinion. It'll also give me time to save a bit of money as I'll only be on Statatory sick pay which isn't enough to pay my bills. I'm actually typing this in a pub in Hammersmith Tube Station, enjoying a pint of Lager and Black, a well earned drink I'm sure you'll agree.
Just managed to find a coffee shop on knightsbridge. Actually, was desperate for the loo lol. Having a Cappachino while I'm here and using the free Wi-Fi to post this :-) Ipads are great :-)
I'm now sat on the train on my way down to London. I'm due in London at around 10:16am which will give me 75 minutes to get to my appointment. I need to get the tube (Piccadilly line) to Barons Court where I'll have a short walk to Charring Cross. I'm not actually at the hospital for my appointment, instead I'm to go to a place above a Sainsburys just down the road. To say I'm nervous is a bit of an understatement. I want to wee, then I want to poo, then I just want to throw up. I've got a coffee that I'm too nervous to drink and the fact that I'm writing this post is a bit of a miracle lol. I do get myself into a state over these things. I'll be fine, I know I will. I guess tha I just want that date and a small part of me thinks that all this is just a practicle joke. I'm half expecting to find a heavily prosthetically enhanced Dom Joly and a room full of hidden cameras.
I actually phoned up yesterday to check my appointment and it's all ok and I'm seeing Mr Bellringer which is the surgeon I wanted all along. Im actually quite nervous about meeting him as he was the surgeon featured on 'My Transexual Summer'. He's been on television which makes him a minor celebrity in my eyes lol. Also, for the past few years I've been reading a lot of posts on various blogs by people who've had their SRS and the majority have had it done by Mr Bellringer so it is like he's a bit of a legend if you know what I mean. Anyway, I'm going to sign off now, I'll post again on the return journey.
12:12pm
Well, I arrived for my appointment in plenty of time. It wasn't as hard to find as I thought it was. I actually walked past Charring Cross Hospital (where I'll have the op) and I took along hard look at it. I guess that it became all the more real at that point. I've heard so much about the place over the past 3 or 4 years that it's become a bit of a personal mecca. Anyway, I arrived around 20 minutes early and sat down on one of the blue chairs. It's not a bad place actually, a bit better than Nottingham GIC. There's a lot more happening. There were a few other girls there,
most post-op and I got chatting to one. In the end I kinda wished I hadn't as she couldn't half talk bless her. Once she found out I was a chef that was it. I do enjoy my job but that's what it is, a job. Im not overly passionate about it and I kinda hate talking about it out of a kitchen. I prefer discussing the latest news stories or history. Anyway, she wasn't to know so I'll forgive her. While we were chatting a young girl came out if the examination room. She was pre-op and had been full-time for 6 years. She was 22 now and was so annoyed that she'd have to wait until April for the op.
At around 11:35 I was called into the examination room and Mr Bellringer was sat at his desk. I sat down and he started asking me a few questions about my living situation, alchohol intake, etc. Then came the physical examination. I had to lay on this bed with just the 'area' on show. He had a prod around and a look before I was told I could get changed again. He talked me though the op, told me the risks and 10 minutes later it was over. I'm fine for surgery although he said it wouldn't hurt me to loose a couple of pounds. I knew that part anyway so that was expected. The biggy was th hair removal situation. I've feared that for the past 3 years nearly because it has got to hurt. I don't need any though, I'm fine which is such a relief.
I was toLd to take this form to admissions which I did. The lady who normally deals with Mr Bellringers patients was out so Im expecting a call over the next day or so regarding an operation date. Im really happy with how its gone and it couldn't really have gone much better. The op will probably be around April which isn't too bad in the grand scheme of things. That'll give me an overall Full-Time to Surgery time of under 3 years which is pretty phenominal in my opinion. It'll also give me time to save a bit of money as I'll only be on Statatory sick pay which isn't enough to pay my bills. I'm actually typing this in a pub in Hammersmith Tube Station, enjoying a pint of Lager and Black, a well earned drink I'm sure you'll agree.
Just managed to find a coffee shop on knightsbridge. Actually, was desperate for the loo lol. Having a Cappachino while I'm here and using the free Wi-Fi to post this :-) Ipads are great :-)
Tuesday, 18 September 2012
Sleepless Nights and the Odd Little Victory
It's nearly here, my big appointment. I'm getting really nervous now and I'm actually having a few sleepless nights. I'm sure everything will be ok and in a strange way it's not the actual appointment I'm nervous for, it's afterwards. I'm still not sure what to say to my employers regarding why I'll need my time off. It's 3 months which is a huge amount of time! Do I be honest and take my boss to one side before revealing all? Do I say that I need an operation for something that's personal? What do I do? I think that she'll be ok but there's still that chance that her attitude towards me may change. A part of me thinks that she already knows anyway. What if that's in my imagination though? You can perhaps see why I'm not getting a lot of sleep at the moment. What ever I decide to do I'm sure it'll be the right thing.
In other news, yesterday in work (Sunday) we got a late table in. This may not seem like news in itself but let me continue. On Sunday we stop serving food at 4:00pm and there's nothing worse than getting a table in at that time. It adds an extra hour onto your shift especially if they have 3 courses like this one did. Well, after I finished I went into the bar and had a drink before heading home. It was while having this drink that a couple of the regulars started talking in hushed voices about the table that had come in late. It turns out that they weren't sure about the gender of one of the people on the table. One of them asked me what I thought and although (even from the back) it was pretty obvious that this person was from the trans community, I just shrugged my shoulders and feigned ignorance. I didn't want to draw attention to the person but it was so obvious. It was to me, maybe it's my trannydar or something, but the regulars were still confused. For me, this was a pretty strange event but also kinda nice. The fact that my friends were talking about this person in the way they were in front of me kinda confirmed that they don't know about my own history. A couple of weeks ago Sam asked me about any little victories I'd had and I struggled to think of any. A little victory is anything that confirms you as an accepted female. It could be being hit on by a straight guy in a club or someone believing your female while talking to you on the phone. After 2 years of being full-time my little victories aren't that special anymore because I get them a lot just in everyday life. I class yesterday as a little victory and it felt nice. I kinda felt bad for the TG on the table because she got read but (and I'm really not wanting to sound offensive or disrespectful) she didn't help herself in her choice of wig, clothes or make-up.
In other other news, you may have noticed that I now moderate comments. This isn't a reaction to any comments I've recieved myself, more a reaction to a comment that a friend had on her blog. It was a pretty hateful comment and I just want to avoid having anything like that on this blog, especially considering that my mum reads this blog! I will publish all comments, just not those that are offensive, should I ever get any like that.
In other news, yesterday in work (Sunday) we got a late table in. This may not seem like news in itself but let me continue. On Sunday we stop serving food at 4:00pm and there's nothing worse than getting a table in at that time. It adds an extra hour onto your shift especially if they have 3 courses like this one did. Well, after I finished I went into the bar and had a drink before heading home. It was while having this drink that a couple of the regulars started talking in hushed voices about the table that had come in late. It turns out that they weren't sure about the gender of one of the people on the table. One of them asked me what I thought and although (even from the back) it was pretty obvious that this person was from the trans community, I just shrugged my shoulders and feigned ignorance. I didn't want to draw attention to the person but it was so obvious. It was to me, maybe it's my trannydar or something, but the regulars were still confused. For me, this was a pretty strange event but also kinda nice. The fact that my friends were talking about this person in the way they were in front of me kinda confirmed that they don't know about my own history. A couple of weeks ago Sam asked me about any little victories I'd had and I struggled to think of any. A little victory is anything that confirms you as an accepted female. It could be being hit on by a straight guy in a club or someone believing your female while talking to you on the phone. After 2 years of being full-time my little victories aren't that special anymore because I get them a lot just in everyday life. I class yesterday as a little victory and it felt nice. I kinda felt bad for the TG on the table because she got read but (and I'm really not wanting to sound offensive or disrespectful) she didn't help herself in her choice of wig, clothes or make-up.
In other other news, you may have noticed that I now moderate comments. This isn't a reaction to any comments I've recieved myself, more a reaction to a comment that a friend had on her blog. It was a pretty hateful comment and I just want to avoid having anything like that on this blog, especially considering that my mum reads this blog! I will publish all comments, just not those that are offensive, should I ever get any like that.
Monday, 10 September 2012
From The Dust We Can Build A Bridge
So, in 10 days I'll be heading to London for my big appointment at CHX. Im starting to get nervous now as each day passes. I think that it's becoming more real. In the morning I'll be able to say that it's next week!! Hell, in half an hour I'll be able to say that it's next week!! How scary is that!! I actually had a dream last night where I got my surgery date. It was the 14th and I'm pretty sure that it was February, so watch this space. Realistically, I'm expecting it to happen around the middle of March. The 14th would be the perfect date really as its my birthday on the 15th of March. Sure I'd be in hospital for my birthday but what a present to get!
In other news, I've been getting over my recent breakup in my own way. Despite everything I am a survivor and it'll take more than a broken heart to do me in. I'm still really confused as to why he ended it but I've come to one or two conclusions. I think that his parents put pressure on him which wold explain why he ended it as suddenly as he did. Ultimately I'm better than that and deserve better and I'll find better.
I've been off work on annual leave. I originally booked it off to go away with the ex. In truth, due to the breakup, I had been dreading this week. I thought I'd spend it thinking about what ifs and dwelling on things. I've actually really enjoyed it and it was just what I needed. I needed to sort things out in my head and to picture some kind of future. I'd built a future in my head where it was me and the ex. We'd have a house, marriage, kids, all the 'normal' things. I'd had it all taken away and it has taken time to re-evaluate my life and future. I've got a serious op I need to prepare for and I've been planing a holiday to Florida in 2 years time.
I'm going with my mum and dad and my brother, sister in law and their two young children. Regular readers of this blog will know that me and my brother have a troubled relationship. We were really close as children but my change in lifestyle effected him and we've had little or no contact over the past couple of years. This has also meant that I've not had much contact with his two children (my nephew and niece). The fact that we are all going away together can only help in the bridge building process. There were actually positive steps today. They came over for a drink and although we didn't talk much the fact we were in the same room together for a prolonged period was huge. It gave me chance to bond with my nephew and I actually got a bye from my brother when they left. I'm not naive, I know that it'll take time. The biggy will be the actual holiday but the more planks we can lay on the bridge before then the better. I do feel better about things now and more positive.
Being off work has allowed me to catch up with friends and on Monday I met up with Samantha ( a fellow blogger) for lunch. Shes pretty far along the transition process and it was great to compare notes. Being off the transgender scene means that I often don't have anyone to talk to about things. Being transgender is a unique experience that only those experiencing it can comprehend. It can become quite a lonely thing so talking to someone experiencing similar situations can be invaluable.
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