5 Years Ago......

     5 years ago today I wrote the very first post to this blog. At the time I honestly didn't know where this journey would take me, I'm not even sure I realised I was on a journey. I was just a confused man in his mid twenties. I wasn't happy although at the time I wasn't entirely sure why. I was a loner, I enjoyed my own company and again I wasn't sure why. I was popular, people generally liked me. I got on with most people I came across but there was something missing in my life, that much I knew. I had a hole bang in the middle of my life. In an attempt to fill that hole I often dressed as a woman, infact 5 years ago today I'd recently had my first night out dressed as a woman. Before that night, I'd spent around 10 years dressing in private, stealing precious moments to be a girl. That had kinda been enough to make me happy but when I took off the wig, when I removed the make-up, when I put my football shirts and jeans back on, that hole opened up again. This blog became a story, a tale of a journey that never seemed possible.

     5 years ago I'd never imagined I'd ever go down the 'sex change' route. Other people transitioned. Other people risked losing their families and friends. Other people went through the pain of hair removal and ultimately surgery. I wasn't other people, I was a relative coward, a wimp. I shied away from fights and confrontation, I avoided danger. The thought of anyone finding out about my secret life scared the living hell out of me. As the months went past, as certain events unfolded, as I wrote blog posts, I  found myself on a path, this path. I found myself telling my mum how I wanted to be a girl. I found myself talking about it with my brother and sisters, answering their questions. I found myself telling the world on Facebook then going to the works party dressed as a woman. I found myself going to the Nottingham Gender Clinic then starting a new life living full-time as a woman. Before I knew it I started taking hormone pills and going to painful hair removal sessions. I was living life as a female and that hole not only closed up, it stayed closed.

     5 years on from that first post, from that time when I wasn't one of those people, I'm hours away from GRS and I know that it's the right thing to do. I know that this path, this journey leads to Charing Cross Hospital tomorrow morning and I know that that hole will never open up again. I'm nervous, that's for sure. The butterflies in my stomach have been fluttering for days but I don't mind. Im just ready now, ready for it to be done, ready for the next chapter in my journey.

     I'm going to finish by saying thank you to everyone who has read this blog, to everyone who has commented. I hope it's helped people. I hope it's helped to educate, I think it has. I guess at the end of the day, all I can do, as I write about my journey, as I document my transition, is hope that it helps people to see the truth about what it means to be transgender in a modern world.

5 Years Of Blogging:- Out!

On the 10th July 2009 a co-worker died and it kick started my life. Of course I was really upset by the news and I still am. It was a truly shocking event that only got more shocking as the details began to emerge. She was murdered by her husband who'd been having an afair. He ran her down in his car when she was walking to work. I wrote a post about it entitled Perspective Duly Recieved and although that isn't todays featured post it was still hugely important. In that post I mentioned her by name not realiosing that my blog was Google listed. When my Head Chef did a search on her, looking for news on her murder, my blog popped up in the search list and the cat was well and truly out of the bag. He would keep it to himself for another 2 months before he confronted me about it. It was the 6th September 2009 and it spawned a post entitled A WORLD EXCLUSIVE!!!

Well, what a night!! At the end of my shift in work my head chef took me to one side. He said that he wasn't sure how to approach this and that he would just come out with it. I thought I was getting sacked, or at least a warning. I don't know why, I mean I do work hard, but when your boss takes you 'outside' for a chat it normally only means one thing. But I'm still in a job. So what happened? What is this 'WORLD EXCULSIVE'?

Well I'm going to tell you. He asked me about 'The Secret Life Of Emma'. Now when he said that, it was as though a meteorite had flown across the sky and hit me square in the chest. It was the very last thing I was expecting. Then followed a conversation that I had not been expecting to have for at least a year.

A couple of months ago a workmate got murdered so I mentioned her by name in a post. My head chef googled her and my blog came up in the search engine. The lady that died has a sister called Emma and so my head chef thought that it was her blog so he clicked on it. And then my blog popped up and the cat was out of the bag. So what made him approach me after 2 months of knowing? Well on Friday night I had a bit of 'Emma' time and on Saturday I went into work with a bit of foundation still on. I had completely missed it but it couldn't have been much to be fair. But anyway the breakfast chef clocked it and mentioned it to my head chef who said that it couldn't be. So tonight he approached me to warn me a little bit that other people were suspicious.

I have the utmost respect for him anyway as he has worked himself up from trainee to head chef, but after tonight that respect is increased ten-fold. He told me that I always have a job and that if other people in work have a problem then they have him to answer to. He also said that should I go full time then I could expect his support and my job would be safe. He also mentioned that I always have a job with him. It feels really strange to be fair. I did suspect that he may have known a few months ago when in work he mentioned an old school friend who he'd just got back in touch with. This mate was transitioning and my head chef started going on about how he didn't have a problem with it and that this mate was still the same person. I am now convinced that this mate doesn't exist and that he was hinting at me. I had my suspicions at the time but now I am convinced. To be honest I can't believe that I am writing this post, I really can't.

He was so sympathetic to my situation and the fact that he is a year younger than me makes his acceptance that bit more unbelievable some-how. God, to think that 4 months ago no one knew, now every sod knows lol. All I need now is for it to be a segment on The One Show lol.

To be honest though, the carefullness I had prided myself on over the years has gone out of the window the last 4 or 5 months. It was only a matter of time before my Transgender and work lives collisioned.

     Over the next month or two I found out that most of my other colleagues had seen my blog. I was out of the closet and I guess you could say that things were never going to be the same again.

Down To The Last Week!!!

So, here I am, the last week! I'm trying to be philosophical about the whole thing but it is hard. I've been waiting for a 'sex change' since I was 6 years old, ever since I used to lie in bed at night praying i'd wake up as a girl. I can't quite believe that in a weeks time I'll have woken up as a girl. I'm putting a bitn of a romantic element into the whole thing but ultimately I'm already a girl. I've always been a girl, just with a few things I never should have had. This whole journey has been so important in how I'm going to live my life. The op is the icing on the cake.

     I do feel like I'm coming to the end of a long marathon. I think that that's my biggest feeling at the moment. I feel mentally and even physically tired although I think that that's to do with my lack of sleep. I'm just thinking about things constantly. I think that if I were to offer just one piece of advice to anyone awaiting the op it would be to keep yourself grounded. It's important to try to put the op to the back of your mind because it can get hard if you don't. It gets difficult to focus and then everything starts to suffer.

     On the whole though I'm pretty much fine about the whole thing now, I just want it done. I'm literally counting off the days now. My last day at works on Thursday so I'm driving back up North on Friday to my parents. I then get to spend the weekend with them before I'm at Charing Cross on Monday Morning, it's all fun!

5 Years Of Blogging:-A Multitude Of Questions

After the trip to Blackpool things continued on quite slowly. My family slowly came to terms with what I was and I began seeing a therapist to discuss my issues. Despite these sessions, I still had loads of questions hence my next featured post which I wrote on the 22nd June 2009 and was titled And Your Starter For Ten....

I guess we all need answers to the questions we carry around with us. It's all part of being human really. That insatiable curiosity that has seen us explore the far flung places of the globe and beyond as the 40th anniversary of the moon landings will testify. For a 20-something T-Girl like myself the questions throughout my life have been varied. From why do the leaves fall from the trees, to why do I want to be a girl. As I grow up and make a certain amount of peace with what I am, the questions just get more complex and difficult to answer. Now I find myself asking, what will I do about work if I go full-time, or I wonder what size breasts the hormones will give me lol. On the whole full-time thing I'm kinda formulating a plan as to what I'll do should I go down that path. Because that is the biggest question I have really. Should I carry on to the end of the motorway, or take the next exit. I could carry on to my destination but take the scenic route. But do I really want that, deep down. Because one day I'll wake up and I'll be old and the biggest regret I'll have is that I didn't take the motorway. In my mind I want to be a woman all the time. The dressing just isn't enough, and maybe it never was. The doubts I have aren't related to myself and the physical and mental change I'll go through. The doubts are down to how I think other people will perceive me. My family have been largely supportive, but what will they do when Emma pops round for a coffee one day. See, more questions lol.


Looking back, it kinda confuses me because now I know that I'm on the right path for me. It's really hard for me to imagine a time when I would ever question my route. Of course, reading these old posts it does make me realise how confused i was and how difficult this particular year was.

Dreamin n' Freakin

     In two weeks time I'll probably be experiencing a sleepless night, my last night before surgery at 5pm on the Monday evening. I keep saying it but it is getting real now. It really is dominating my thoughts to the extent that I'm dreaming about it. Last night I dreamed that I was due in hospital but I was running late and I wasn't packed and I missed my train. It wasn't a very nice dream. In reality I should be ok. I aim to be all set to go and I'm really trying to leave nothing to chance. Despite attempting to be ultra prepared I did have a little 'freak out' over the weekend. I guess it hit me, the enormity of it all. This is an incredible experience. Not only have I got the stresses and concerns often experienced in the lead up to a surgical procedure, I've got a system on it's 4th week without hormones! I am quite literally like a volcano at the moment, the slightest thing setting me off!

I am fine now. I'm just trying to get through each day without dwelling on things too much. I am ready for GRS now, I kinda just need it done. The wait is the worst thing. You'd think that I'd be used to waiting by now but the closer GRS has gotten, the harder it's been. It is like that last few meters of a marathon, it really is.

The Fear Makes You Human

     In 3 weeks time I'll be post-op and I'm having a few sleepless nights at the moment. It's not that I'm scared about it, I'm experiencing more of a nervous fear I guess. I'm fine about the whole hospital thing and I've actually started to make peace with the whole 'being put to sleep' part of it. I'm also fine about what's going to happen to me during the operation. It's the recovery part of it all that I'm fearful about. I consider myself a fairly healthy person. I enjoy my walking and I like being active. That will all change in the weeks after the surgery. It's going to be hard. I'm also fearful about any problems I may encounter such as infection or prolapse. I'm sure I'll be fine but I wouldn't be human if I didn't have worries.

     Despite having these fears and struggling to sleep I am looking forward to it, to finally getting it done. Don't forget that this is something I've been waiting for for my whole life. There were many years when I never thought it would happen, infact it's only in the last 2-3 years when I truly believed it would. I'm looking forward to the experience of living my life and the freedom that being post-op will bring. I'm looking forward to being able to form relationships without worrying about whats between my legs. I'm looking forward to being able to wear leggings and tight jeans without worrying about the 'bulge'. I'm looking forward to being whole, being complete, not being half and half as I am now. I look in the mirror and the top half looks female. I have long hair and lumps and bumps in the right places. The lower half looks male with this thing in between my legs. I'm looking forward to being female, completely female. The thing I'm most looking forward to is perhaps something which you wouldn't expect. I'm looking forward to going swimming. I used to love going to the local baths. I'm not a runner and I struggle going to the gym. I did enjoy swimming though. I always felt at home in the water somehow and I honestly can not wait to get back to the baths.

5 Years Of Blogging:-Depression In Blackpool

A week after I told my mum, she told the rest of my immediate family. It was a bit of a shock to me because metally I really wasn't prepared for everyone to know. I had a few texts and a lot of questions as my sisters, brother and parents attempted to get their head around things. At the time I couldn't really look beyond my own feelings because I was in a bit of a mess. I tried to see it from their point of view but it was hard at times. Just over a month later I went on a little 4 day break in Blackpool with the parents. It was nice but while there I had a little 'episode' which spawned the following post, How Can You Be Alive But Not Living? on Thursday 28th May 2009

I'm going to warn you in advance, this is a long and quite depressing post. What a supprise, I can almost here you think it. One day, this Blog will boast loads of happy posts I promise, but this is a story of my life and at the moment, my life is quite depressing.
Tonight marked the Champions League final and the possibility of Utd claiming a 2nd Euro crown in a row. They lost, but that wasn't the major news of the night. My night out at Pink Punters on Saturday is canncelled after the 'Girl' I was going with pulled out due to work. After that I kinda needed Utd to win, but alas it wasn't meant to be. I feel really let down, but never mind. Worse things happen at sea.
After the game, I popped out of the hotel, just down the promenade to Yates ( I'm currently on a four day break in Blackpool) and had a couple of drinks. I then decided to walk up to Linekers for a late drink. It was closed, but the walk along the sea-front gave me plenty of thinking time.
I just feel really low at the moment and it's starting to concern me that these mini depresions are getting more and more frequent. It seems that every other week I think about whether I'd be better off dead and that I don't want to feel this empty and alone any more. It scares me to be honest because I just don't know what to do. I'm truly lost in my life, and when things seem to get better they suddenly go bad. One step forward, two steps back is what I seem to be doing. On one hand I've got the ultimate choice and SRS but on the other hand, I've got my family. Do I want to be a woman? Yes. Can I see myself being a woman one day? Yes, I think so. Would I be happy? Yes. Would my family accept me as Emma and not Paul? I don't think so. That's it you see, I've got my overall happiness and well-being and my families happiness, both on opposite sides. My family accept the fact that I need to dress and portray as a woman, but I'm not so sure they'd accept me being Emma permanently. Would my neices and nephews accept Auntie Emma into their lives as much as they accept Uncle Paul?
I'm alive but I'm not living and I'm just so terrified of getting to my deathbed and having the regret that on my headstone it'll read Paul and not Emma. I understand that I'm at the beginning of a long and lonely path, but I'd give anything right now for that magic pill. You know, the one that makes you a girl overnight. The one I dreamt of taking all those years ago.

I can remember feeling so depressed that night. Blackpool was so quiet, eerily quiet. The weather was wet and there was a chill breeze. I got back to the hotel and instantly wrote the post and it helped.