2013 - The Year Of My Social Life

     I've never really been much of a social butterfly. Don't get me wrong, I always get on with people I meet and I'm always keen for a night out. Catering stopped much of that though. The people I knew were the ones I worked with and they were the ones I socialised with. I always yearned for a social life away from family and work which is one of the reasons I enjoyed my nights out to canal street pre-transition. In 2013, with my decision to quit catering a reality, I gained a new network of friends and acquaintances.

     When I went for my GRS one thing I hoped to get out of it was friendship with those on my ward and to a certain degree I earned that. In the bed next to me was a lady called Deborah (Debs) and we still text, nine months on. During that first few days on the ward she was very ill but when she began to get better and we began to talk I began to really like her. She has such a dry sense of humour and has been through so much in her life. Some of the things she used to tell me, some of the stories, were truly amazing. While on the ward I also met two more ladies with whom I'm still in touch. Adele was on the left of me and she was also very ill. She was really outspoken and didn't strike me as someone to mess with. She's also very loyal with a good heart. Sally was in a bed on another ward and it was only within the last few days of my stay in hospital that I got to know her. A really nice person and a friend for life.

      Once I started going to college in September I thought I'd find it difficult to make friends but this has been far from the case. I've really become a part of each class I attend and I have a good circle of friends. I think that because we are all adult learners we all have the same targets. We all want to do well so we help each other. The people I've really hit it off with are Hannah, Chrysanthi and Gemma and we attend most of our classes together.

The Chesterfield LGBT out on
Wednesday Night. I'm the 2nd in from
the left (with the santa hat on)

     My life outside work and college has also received a bit of a boost in the whole social stakes. I met up with a fellow trans lady in Chesterfield called Lucy. She got me in touch with a Chesterfield group called Chesterfield LGBT and through them I've gained a whole new network of friends. Suzy, Lynnette, Cade, Liz, Joel, Kallum, Mandy, Maz and Wendy are just some of the people I think I'm now able to call friends. I'm me as far as they go. They all know about my trans history but it doesn't matter with them, I'm just Emma! As I found out on Wednesday night (I had my purse pinched while out in town) they have my back which is something I've missed for most of my life. My family all have my back, I know that, but I think we all need that bit of support in the wider world and now I feel I have that.

     So, 2013 has been a great year in the social side of my life and that's something I really want to build up in 2014. Thank you to all those who've been a part of my life in 2013 and to all those who helped to make it the year of my life!

.......to be continued

2013 - The Year Of My Career

     As I look back on my 2013 I can do so with some pride. Despite the huge, the monumental, changes that have occurred in my life over the past twelve months I'm pretty much where I want to be. One of the biggest changes has been in regards to my career. Twelve months ago I was Head Chef at a small restaurant/bistro in Tuxford. Tuxford is a small village near Retford. At the end of November 2012 the old Head Chef left so I was suddenly thrust into the hot seat just before the busy Christmas period began. It was truly a baptism of fire! Along with the Head Chef, the Bar Manager walked which left Rebecca (a bar maid at the time) to run the front of house. Together we worked from dawn until dusk and we were a success. Before that month we weren't really all that close. That month though ensured that we became pretty good friends. As the years progressed though we've both gone in new directions and it's one of my biggest regrets that we don't meet up as often as we should. Anyway, after that December things in Tuxford quickly turned sour and so in January I began to look for another job and that search led me to a small bistro in Devon!

     Throughout my career as a chef I got many of my jobs through people I'd met and Devon was no different. A few years ago I'd worked at a hotel in Bakewell and I used to frequent a local pub called The Red Lion. Over the course of three years I got to know the owners of The Red Lion quite well. In the interim they'd moved to a pub in Devon called The Cromwell Arms and so I got in touch with them. I told them everything regarding my upcoming GRS and they were fine with it all and at the end of January I moved down to Bovey Tracy. It was a beautiful area, perched just on the edge of Dartmoor. I worked there for three months and at the end of March, the day I started my sick live, just days before the biggest operation of my life, I was told that they couldn't afford to keep me on. At the time I was livid. I'd started to make a new life down there, made friends and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to any of it. It also meant that I'd have to arrange my own sick pay which wasn't what I needed just days before my GRS! In hindsight though I'm glad they did what they did. Sometimes we all need a push to move onto better things and they gave me my push. Now if I saw them I'd probably thank them because if they hadn't done what they did I certainly wouldn't be where I am now. At the time though I just had uncertainty about where my life was headed. I was heading into the most important operation of my life, an operation that carried with it a three month recovery period, and I was jobless!

     After my GRS I started to recover and I began thinking about my career. The events in Tuxford and Devon had scarred me and had made me question my abilities as a Head Chef. I had lost a lot of love for the trade if I'm honest. I had been treated pretty shoddily by two places despite the huge amount of work I had put in to both. I worked so many hours and Tuxford actually made me ill. I had received no thanks though and had been stabbed in the back by both. They made me question whether I wanted to be a part of that life. They say 'Once bitten, twice shy!', well I had been bitten twice and I decided that there wouldn't be a third so I retired from the kitchen!

     Quiting being a Chef was a huge moment, not just in 2013 but in my life. I had started as a Chef at seventeen in 1999 and had given fourteen years of my life to it. I don't regret doing it because there are people in my life who wouldn't be had I not gone into catering. When I retired from it though I felt relief at first. I was glad that I'd finally taken the risk. I could do anything now, the world was my oyster.

     I soon decided to go into teaching, specifically Primary School teaching. I looked into it and enrolled myself at college. I needed my Maths, English and Science GCSE's. I started Chesterfield College in September and I'm enjoying it immensely. It's given me something to aim for. After GRS I lost something in my life, a spark. With College I've got that spark back! I've made some new friends and it's different to school. We're all adult learners so we all want to pass. We all help each other and all want each other to do well. The biggest thing with College though is that I'm just me, just Emma. I don't know whether anyone has guessed about my past and to be honest I don't really care. As long as I'm treated with respect, that's all I'm interested in. My transition is no longer at the forefront of my life. It's something that happened and now it's over. My career is the thing that's in transition now, that's the most important thing in my life at the moment (behind my family obviously).

     Looking back, 2013 will be defined by my operations and that's how it should be I guess. 2013 was also a huge year in terms of my career and it's a real shame that it'll be put in the shade because of my ops. Looking onwards to 2014 my next target is obviously to pass my exams in June. I need to knuckle down a bit before then so January to June is going to be very busy. After that I've already applied to do an Access to HE course in September. This is a one year course that's equivalent to three A Levels and it'll enable me to apply to University. If all goes to plan I should be applying to Uni this time next year. So, onwards and upwards it is!

.........to be continued!

2013, The Year of My Life: Part 1

     It's that time of year again. Shakin Stevens and Slade suddenly start getting air time on the radio, Sprouts (goblins testicles) start showing up on dinner plates and Meadowhall begins living up to its Meadow-Hell nickname! It's Christmas!!! Of course, in the world of my blog that also means that it's time for my yearly review blog series and what a year I've got to talk about. 2013 has quite literally been the biggest year of my life. So much has happened that I'm not sure I've got enough time to do it justice. I few of the highlights include.....

+ I became Head Chef!
+ I moved to Devon for 3 months!
+ I had Gender Reassignment Surgery!
+ I decided to change careers from Chef to Primary School Teacher!
+ I enrolled at college and began doing my English, Science and Maths GCSE's!
+ I had Breast Augmentation!
+ I became an A Student for the first time in my life in English!
+ My recovery from both surgeries has been successful!
+ I met new people and made some great new friends!

I'd be lying if I said that it had been all good stuff, it has also been a year in which tragedy occurred. It's been a year in which I've had to put everything into it, in which I've risked everything. There has been times in which I've had to dig so deep, in which I've had to put so much faith in my ability to survive. Some of the lowlights include.....

+ I lost my job in Devon 4 days before my Gender Reassignment Surgery!
+ I struggled so much with dilation at first!
+ I struggled to find a job after GRS!
+ My money worries have increased following my 5 months off sick (altogether)!
+ I struggled in the early days of recovery following both operations!
+ My career change has been tougher than I imagined, having to become a student again!
+ We lost our beloved grandmother (one of my greatest supporters)!

It has been a year in which emotion has played a constant role. There has been incredible highs, unbelievable moments of euphoria. These moments have been mixed with unbelievable lows though, moments where I wondered what the point of it all was. It is a year that has changed me, not just physically but psychologically. Without a doubt 2013 has been the year of my life, a year which will go down as the most important year of my life!

(.....to be continued!)

Misgendering, A Real Hurt

     A topic arose on Twitter today regarding misgendering. For those who aren't sure, misgendering is when someone refers to a trans person in their former gender. Thankfully it doesn't happen to me often. It never happens in the street or when I'm socialising. It does happen now and again though, within my own family. I can forgive it to a certain extent because I know it's accidental. It's often just a throw away word that gets lost in conversation and if reminded about it, the person wouldn't even remember calling me a he or a him! It does happen though. Now when I get referred to as he or him a few things happen. First I wonder if anyone else hears it. People do not refer to genetic females as him or he, not even accidentally. It just does not happen so if anyone over hears someone referring to someone else as the opposite gender it sets alarm bells ringing. After that I start to question myself. Do I still look like a man? Do I still carry myself as a man? There must be a reason why I've just been called him, there must be a reason?!?! I start to feel less confident, as though I've been struck by a pick axe. I've been chipped away and my raw self is exposed that bit more. It genuinely hurts to be referred to as a man. It's beyond insulting and does really upset me each and every time it happens, accidental or not.

So, the next time someone refers to you as someone in the opposite gender to which you are presenting just stop them and tell them exactly how it feels. Or, if you are the one doing the misgendering just think about how that person feels and please just think before you use the incorrect pro-nouns.

My First School Based Role

     In a couple of weeks I'll begin volunteering at a local school! I have a friend on Facebook who put me in contact with a school who are always keen to take on volunteers. Wait a minute, I'll start from the start.....

     Way back in May when I first started thinking about going into teaching I mentioned it on Facebook. A woman I went to school with sent me a message saying that the school she worked at were always after volunteers. It's a school which deals predominantly with special needs. At the time I put it on the back burner because I was concentrating on getting a plan together for my future. To be honest I wasn't completely sure how far I'd get down the old career changing route. I did wonder if, at the age of 31, I had it in me to truly start again! So, in the intervening time I started college and got a full-time job at a care home. I started to believe that I could change career, that I could become a future Primary School teacher. Self belief is such an important thing and despite what I've had to do to get to this point in my life I still really struggle with it. It takes a lot for me to really believe in myself. I have had moments over the past six months where I've thought about returning to the safety of the kitchen. I know the kitchen, it's familiar, somewhere I feel safe and comfortable. It's not somewhere I want to return though because if I were to go back in, I'd never leave! Anyway, now I'm sorted at college, I've started thinking seriously about university and actually becoming a teacher. One of the things I'll need if I am to get into university is experience within a school so I got back in contact with my friend and on Thursday afternoon I popped to see the deputy head and I start in a couple of weeks! I'm really looking forward to it! I even told her I'm trans and she was fine with it.

     In other news it was my grandmas funeral last week and we gave her a good send off. I read the ulogy along with my two sisters and my cousin and my brother read a poem. It was what my grandma would've wanted, her 5 grandchildren together talking about her life. Before the funeral we'd gotten together and written some notes and then I put it all together so it flowed. It was nice to spend time with the family because it's not often that we all get together these days.

     It has been a crazy few weeks with lots of change and emotion. Change and emotion has kind of been the theme for the year though and I'm looking forward to doing my end of year posts. There's such a lot to look back on in 2013 and so much to talk about.

A GRS Update

     A week or so ago I posted a link to my GRS diary on a support site for someone due to have her op next year and she asked if I'd post an update! Thinking about it I haven't really posted a GRS update and I guess I've just been too damn busy to even give a second thought about it. Since GRS I've completely changed career, started studying for three GCSE's at college and more recently I've had B.A. and experienced a family bereavement. It makes it hard to believe than I'm still only 7.5 months post-op! When life does take over though, as those going through GRS will agree, it does take on less of a significance in your life. It's really strange because you spend so long before the op preparing for it and yearning. It does really become very easy to forget that you actually had anything done down there! I honestly can not imagine having a penis for example. It really seems an alien concept to me and that's only half a year after the surgery!

     Anyway, update time. It's healed really well, the scars down the side of my vagina are healing. I have a sensitive clitoris and I have a reasonable depth. I am fairly happy with the surgical results. It looks like what it should and is a hell of a lot nicer than what I had before so I can't really complain can I.

     As for dilation, I tend to forget about doing it which is quite a bad habit to get into. When it was twice a day it was easy to keep track. When I woke up and when I went to bed. Now I'm on a couple of times a week and I really need to keep a proper schedule! I do have a fairly busy life (that will only get busier!) so it is difficult but I do need to be a bit more serious as far as dilation goes.

     That's kinda all there is to update people with. I'm back to fitness as far as that surgery goes and it's still one of the best things I ever did.

A Different Transition

     It's only been two weeks since I had the second surgery of 2013, my Breast Augmentation although it feels like a lot longer! This past two weeks have seemed to last a lifetime, so many different emotions being thrown together. In terms of my recovery, it's going okay. I'm looking to go back to work in a couple of weeks and I am feeling better than I was. They do feel sore and I especially notice it after a busy day. I'm not able to lift anything too heavy yet and even things like pulling a pint behind the bar are hard! I'm okay though and I am extremely happy with the results. It feels strange having bigger breasts but in a nice way. No regrets at all!

     We're starting to get ready for my grandmas funeral which is next week. I just need it done I guess. It still feels really surreal that she's not here anymore but we all have to come to terms with the fact she's not. I can still picture her, on the kitchen floor and although we now know that there was nothing we could've done it's still an image that's imprinted on my mind. It feels like something I watched rather than witnessed, like I wasn't really there. I guess it's the shock still or a way for my mind to make sense of it.

     I'm still enjoying college and, as I predicted, English is proving to be one of my stronger subjects. We did a controlled assessment a couple of weeks ago. It was an essay in which we had to analyse two different stories talking about the way emotions are portrayed in them and how the two stories are linked. The mark goes towards my final grade and I did very well. I got 12/15 which is equivalent to a B! My lecturer said that it was just a whisker away from an A! I'm so proud of myself and it's given me confidence that I can do well in all three GCSE's I'm doing. He said also that it was the highest grade in the year for the controlled assessment, just to make my head bigger! Afterwards, in my class, a few of my classmates started comparing results. I never told anyone mine but the general score was around the 7/15 mark which shows you how well I did!

     In terms of my longer goal, I still want to teach and I'm already looking ahead to next years studies and beyond. When I pass my GCSE's in June I'm looking at doing an Access Level 3 course in Humanities and Social Science. This is basically a substitute for A-Levels designed for mature learners. After that I should be able to get into University to train as a Primary School Teacher! I'm really starting to feel confident about my future now although I know how stressful it's going to be. I know it's not going to be easy but I'm as determined as ever to succeed!

     I have thought about renaming this blog because I do feel that I am no longer in transition. Saying that, although I'm not transitioning anymore in terms of my gender, my career is going through a transition from hardened Head Chef with temper issues (I used to shout and swear A LOT) to nice and gentle Primary School Teacher! Quite a transition don't ya think!