Every now and then I'll find myself thinking about my old life, the life before transition. It's weird because although I know that these things happened to me, they feel like they happened to someone else. I can remember them and it's almost like I'm remembering an old film I saw. A memory that came to mind tonight was completlely random. It happened when I worked in Bakewell about 5 years ago. It concerns one of the few romantic liasons I had and a girl called Sara. She was a waitress and I'd had a thing for her for a while. She always seemed to have a boyfriend though. Well one night we exchanged a few texts and before you knew it she was asking me if I fancied her. I'd had a few to drink so I was confident and so replied yes. Next thing she's asking if we can spend the night together and I said yes. Then I had about 5 minutes to clear my room (We both lived in the hotel) of all traces of my 'other' self. We did spend the night together although nothing happened. We just kissed and cuddled. It would have gone a lot further had it not been for me stopping it. I made some excuse about it not being fair on her boyfriend (a friend and colleague of mine). Truth be told, it just didn't feel right. That's the story as regards to all of my romantic encounters.
I hadn't thought about this for a long while. Because I've transitioned my life has been split into two parts and things in the first part are like another life. As regards to Sara, it never amounted to much. I ruined everything, much like I always did back then. I do think that sub conciously things never seemed right as regards to me and women. I tried to fit into the stereotypical bloke role in relationships but it always felt strange and as though I was being something I wasn't. I was playing a part a guess. Of course, now things have turned out the way they have, these feelings make sense but at the time it was all very confusing. I guess that that's the beauty of memories. It's important for your future to be able to make sense of your past.
All sounds familiar re. girlfriends Emma. xx
ReplyDeleteI sorta know what you mean, i remember when i was a young teenager, i used to play 'alpha male' and didnt feel right.
ReplyDeleteOne thing i have always known though is how to think about things from a female perspective and so i would never be too aggresive or mean.