Two Years Full-Time

7th June 2010, the day I went full-time

     Two years ago today I got up as normal. Things were different though. I'd changed my name officially a couple of weeks before so you could say that the events of June the 7th 2010 were a formality. In a lot of ways they were. I'd been growing my hair since November the previous year and I'd pierced my ears in March. I'd been sleeping in nighties for close to a year and I'd had more female clothes than male ones for a long time. Regardless of all of these preparations that day, 2 years ago today, was the day I look back on as being my 'other' birthday. It was the day on which I officially began living my life in the way I should have been living it for the previous 28 years.


     It has been a huge learning curve, there is no doubt about that. Simple things such as talking, walking and even eating have come under a kind of self-scrutiny. I've had to change so many things but it has all been worth it, without a doubt. I feel more confident in myself, more sure of myself. Before, i felt like I was constantly being watched and judged.These days I feel like I blend in more and like I fit in. It's not just been about learning about myself though, I've also learned a lot about other people. The way that people see you changes as you go through transition and I've been pleasantly surprised on the whole. 

7th June 2012, 2 years
full-time

     One of the main things I've learned I guess is that transitioning is so much more than the op. many make the mistake of believing that the op is the be all and end all, that the op is the most important thing about transitioning. These are the same people who tend to disagree with the NHS way of doing things as regards the RLE. The truth is though that transitioning is about so much more. It's about how you react to situations and about how you carry out everyday tasks. It's about how you learn to deal with life and about how you change things to fit your idea of what life should be like. Don't get me wrong, the op will complete me but there is so much more to transitioning than it. 

     Since I've been living as a woman full-time a lot of people have told me how brave I am. I don't feel brave though, not really. I changed things and did things my own way, regardless of the consequences, regardless of what people thought. Sure, there is some aspects of that to be admired I guess. There is an element of selfishness though as I know that most of the people who cared for me would've preferred me to stay as Paul. By the same token though, the majority of those people would like to see me alive and the reality is, that had I not pursued this way of life, I would probably not be here now. That may seem like an exaggeration but believe you me, it isn't! I have never denied the element of selfishness involved with transitioning and in my opinion, it is kinda an important thing to realise and accept. Sacrifice is another part of the transition process that it's important to accept. Although I've been lucky throughout the past 2 or 3 years, I have had to sacrifice certain things. The biggest sacrifice is the relationship I had with my brother. We hardly see each other these days and it must be over a year since I had a text from him. Bear in mind that we've had Christmas, New Year and my 30th birthday in that time! I have thought about writing him a letter but I'm not sure he'd read it. I've kind of accepted that he maybe doesn't want me in his life and that's up to him I suppose. On the other side of the coin, I've become closer to my older sister and I also feel closer to my younger sister than I was before. My relationship with my parents has changed, as I kinda knew it would. I still retain their love and support and I certainly wouldn't have been able to get through this without them.


     A recent development has seen me bag myself a boyfriend. He is lovely, a really nice guy. He really thinks the world of me and having him in my life has only been a positive influence. I told him about things early on and he's accepted it. He likes me for who I am and I can't tell you how nice that is.


     So, what about the future? Where do I see myself in 2 years time, or even 5 years time? I'm not entirely sure to be honest. As long as I'm happy, that's all I can really ask. One thing I kinda hope is that I'm no longer writing this blog. That may seem like an odd thing to hope for, especially considering how long I've been blogging for. The thing is that this blog has really been about documenting the most important 3-4 years of my life. It will always stay online and I hope that one day I can publish it. I do think though that there will come a time when I no longer need it and that time will come when I can finally move on in life and accept the future.