What a week it's been! If you read my last post then you'll be aware that last Monday I joined Weight Watchers. With my surgery looming on the horizon I've been aware that I could do with dropping a few pounds. Being a Chef though that is easier said than done. When you're surrounded by food for 12 hours a day, dieting becomes very difficult! I've been really good, watched what I've eaten. My main problem was that I tended to nibble and I have little doubt that this contributed to the 2 stone I put on in the past 7 months. When I weighed in last week I was 13st 12lb and in my first week I've dropped 5lb! I know it's only my first weigh in but I'm really chuffed and it's given me the confidence to believe that I can do this. If I can get down to 11st 7Ib by the time of the op then I'll be happy.
Tonight I read another 'final post'. These days, as some of my fellow bloggers have their ops, I seem to be reading more and more 'final posts'. They reach a point when they feel they no longer need to blog and that's great. This blogger is a lady called Lisa and we followed a similar route early on. When I first got referred to Notts GIC she was a couple of months in front of me at the same GIC. In the end she ended up going to Thailand for her op and so had it in July to coincide with her completing her RLE. In her final post she talks about her life following transition and how shes living the 'normal' life she's always dreamed of. She sees transition as a process, as a means to an end and I actually agree with her. For me, transition is this part of the journey I'm on now. It began when I went full-time and will end when I feel I'm living that normal life. Whether that's a month after surgery or 6 months after, only I can know that.
When I read a post like that it kinda upsets me. It is like saying goodbye to a friend. The thing is that once you have the op, moving on is the natural progression. I feel really happy for them but also really jealous. I want my surgery to be tomorrow, that is the top and bottom of it. I want to be living that normal life. I say that, I am living a normal life. I do everything a normal 30 year old woman would do. I have no problems at all, in fact I pass 100% of the time! Ok, there are certain things I can't do such as swim and dating has certain issues attached to it. I do live a normal life though. Truth be told, to live a normal life I don't even need the op! I guess that the fact that I do need the op only reaffirms my gender dysphoria and only goes to prove that diagnosis.
When it comes down to it I am happy for women like Lisa who get the chance to write a 'final post' as that only shows that what we go through, the sacrifices we make, the battles we fight can be worth it if we achieve our aims in life.
For me, my current aim is to continue knocking off the days. I'm now down to 125 days and when you consider that it was 180 odd when I got my date, it is going fast. Had I accepted the cancellation I was offered, I'd be less than a week away so that is playing on my mind a bit. Once I get Christmas out of the way, the time will really fly!
I read Lisa's post too, and dropped her an email wishing her luck.
ReplyDeleteI worry sometimes about friends who focus too much on the moment of surgery as the completion of the process. Someone who transitioned over 20 years ago once said to me that transition never really ends. (I think you will know her too, she's one of very few I've met tall enough to look me in the eye) That struck me as one of the most liberating comments I've heard from a trans woman, from someone who has just got on with her life as a woman it was not an admission of a never ending task but a suggestion that there is no need to worry about whether or not you have finished.
Good luck with your preparations and your Weight Watching!
Hello there Emma!
ReplyDeleteI've been following your posts for a few weeks now, and hope you don't mind having another online follower! By way of introduction, I transitioned in 2004, post-op in 2007, and living with another transwoman. You are more than welcome to browse mine online at http://suzyscottdotcom.livejournal.com/ or go straight for my profile at http://suzyscottdotcom.livejournal.com/profile
Anyway - I get what you are saying. A lot of people were blogging around the time, and yet, while some were trans*, quite a few were not. Some don't really blog anymore, but we're still friends. I know how you feel when diaries "stop" suddenly, with or without warning, but the memories and friendships can last on. Some people move on - in my case, the two reasons I signed up for LJ - one transitioned and remains out and about, and the other (non-trans) who I'd known from other groups, but had a daily journal. He's been unwell and the rest but had a lot of good friends too, who we all now know. He's happy and fine - just living with wife and child is, quite rightly so, taking up his time, with the latter not that old now.
So - it happens. People move on, we change (more than the obvious) and we move and we don't mean to avoid anyone, or upset anyone, but sometimes time takes the better of us! In my case I am now working several things at the same time (self employed and voluntary) and I'm happy.
In the case of being post-op - it does, how can I put this, give you some benefits you never thought. It sounds cheesy but it's true. The benefits can take a while to build up, and it can be months before you notice. Maybe it's more with changing my meds shortly before surgery and the subsequent build-up. And yes, you get lows, but I had those anyway.
So............. I hope I've not scared you off!
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