In 3 weeks time I'll be post-op and I'm having a few sleepless nights at the moment. It's not that I'm scared about it, I'm experiencing more of a nervous fear I guess. I'm fine about the whole hospital thing and I've actually started to make peace with the whole 'being put to sleep' part of it. I'm also fine about what's going to happen to me during the operation. It's the recovery part of it all that I'm fearful about. I consider myself a fairly healthy person. I enjoy my walking and I like being active. That will all change in the weeks after the surgery. It's going to be hard. I'm also fearful about any problems I may encounter such as infection or prolapse. I'm sure I'll be fine but I wouldn't be human if I didn't have worries.
Despite having these fears and struggling to sleep I am looking forward to it, to finally getting it done. Don't forget that this is something I've been waiting for for my whole life. There were many years when I never thought it would happen, infact it's only in the last 2-3 years when I truly believed it would. I'm looking forward to the experience of living my life and the freedom that being post-op will bring. I'm looking forward to being able to form relationships without worrying about whats between my legs. I'm looking forward to being able to wear leggings and tight jeans without worrying about the 'bulge'. I'm looking forward to being whole, being complete, not being half and half as I am now. I look in the mirror and the top half looks female. I have long hair and lumps and bumps in the right places. The lower half looks male with this thing in between my legs. I'm looking forward to being female, completely female. The thing I'm most looking forward to is perhaps something which you wouldn't expect. I'm looking forward to going swimming. I used to love going to the local baths. I'm not a runner and I struggle going to the gym. I did enjoy swimming though. I always felt at home in the water somehow and I honestly can not wait to get back to the baths.
As you say it's only human to have the fear. You're beating me too... I'm terrified of the anaesthetic!
ReplyDeleteBut, like you, I'll get through it.
I'm with you on the recovery as well - I run something approaching 20km per week and work my leg muscles 2 or 3 times per week. That's going to be on hold for quite some time!
All the best,
Stace
I was looking forward to the count backwards routine but the juice went in, I remember saying something about a sensation then I woke up!
ReplyDeleteBest wishes here too.
Good luck Emma, you'll be fine...
ReplyDeleteget yourself a nice big 'V Pillow' to prop you up in bed for when you get home x
ReplyDelete