The Reminders

     It's nearly been a week since I found my Grandma with my mum and I'm still attempting to get over the shock of it all. It still doesn't seem real. It is real though and we're all getting through it as a family. It's a shame that it's taken something like this but we are all closer now. I've seen a bit more of my cousin and her husband and daughter and I've also seen more of my younger sister. I really hope that we can remain in pretty close contact going forward, especially with my cousin.
    
     One thing we've done recently is go through all of my grandmas old photos. There's her and my granddads wedding photo from the 1940's which is fascinating to see. There's also lots of photos of us all growing up, taken at various weddings. It did strike me that I don't like seeing old photos of me, as a little boy. My dad questioned that and I could see his point in a way. It is who I was and I'm not ashamed of it in anyway. I've never been ashamed of my childhood, it's a part of my life, my history. What it does do though, seeing myself as I once was, is bring back my dysphoria. All through my child hood I experienced feelings of wanting to be a girl, jealousy at my sisters because they were girls. Although, once I started to transition, now that I am a girl, those feelings dissipated they are still there because I never got to be a girl growing up. I missed out on a lot and when I get reminded of that I get depressed. I remember that I never got to be a little girl and so my dysphoria, my feelings of wanting to be a girl and those feelings of jealousy come rushing back.