Finding Closure.

     There was no fanfare, no six gun salute, no marching band, simply me pushing ENTER! I'm not sure how I thought I'd feel when I deleted the first volume of this blog, Breaking Free From The Bud. In the end it just felt normal, like the most regular thing in the world. It's gone now, gone from the internet.

     My life this past few weeks has been dominated by closure, by the need to move on in life and experience the next chapter. This was signalled by my getting my Gender Recognition Certificate but it's a theme that's stretched into other avenues in my life. I've now received my proper birth certificate which states my name and gender so now to all intense and purposes I'm legally female and (should I choose) I can go completely stealth. I've even had a letter from the tax office stating that my records are now in a protective department reserved for those with former genders. The fact of the matter though is that my transition is now over. I've transitioned from male to female physically, emotionally and legally. I can now move on and claim some kind of closure.

     A dream I had recently gave me a lot to think about. I was driving home from college when my car broke down. I needed to get home so I forced a passer-by to give me a piggy back. I jumped on her back and forced her to take me home whilst I rode her like she was some kind of horse! Suddenly, I looked down and I realised that it was me as I am now. I then realised that I was me as I used to be, in my male role. Essentially girl me was giving male me a ride on her back! I believe quite strongly in meanings in dreams and I have no doubt what this one meant. The imagery suggests that I'm carrying the person I used to be on my back, that I'm not yet free of my past. This dream links in with a dream I had a few weeks ago. I think I mentioned it, where I was on the train station platform and I couldn't catch the train, I couldn't move on from my past that filled the platform.

     My need to move on is linked in with recent romantic developments. I've spoken about Maria before and things are going okay. It's going slowly, we don't seem to see each other as much as I'd like, but thinks are going okay. We've kissed and held hands and we both like each other. There are complications (aside from my history) because she's got kids. That kind of limits the time we get to spend together. At first it really annoyed me because I do want to spend time with her. I want to move on with this. Now though I've found a certain peace with it all. I'm enjoying it and it's what I need at this moment in time. We can both be good for each other but, and there is a BUT, I'm not sure if it's got a future. There are just so many complications and I've had enough complication in my life. I kinda want something that's easy and this relationship doesn't feel all that easy. I am enjoying it while it lasts though and it's building up the confidence. I think that, should this not work out, I could still find another nice woman. I don't feel like I'm incapable of ever finding anyone (as I've felt before). I feel confident about dating and about finding a girl I can settle down with, who ever that may be. Realising this has been great in helping me to move on and find closure with events in my past.

     The theme of closure is something that hasn't only been limited to my transition. Last October (just two days after my Breast Augmentation) my grandma died. She was one of my biggest supporters throughout my transition and her death was a huge shock. It was me and my mum who found her, collapsed on the kitchen floor and that's an image I'll take to my own grave. I still miss her and I don't think I've gained closure yet but it finally looks like her bungalow is set to be sold. Hopefully this will help in the respect of closure and it'll mean that we can all move on.