The Train To My Future

Yesterday, on my Magic March post, I mentioned about the prospect of romance and I thought I'd expand on that. I've never had the best luck in the romance stakes. Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments. Before I transitioned I went through a period where I attracted quite a few women. When I lived in Bakewell the waitresses seemed to have a thing for me. It's a thing between Chefs and waitresses. Chefs have power and women seem attracted to power. One of them, a girl called Sara, was someone I always had a thing for in Bakewell. She was younger than me (21 to my 26) and she was so attractive and I had a crush on her. I never did anything about it though because she seemed way out of my league. Anyway, one night she made a move on me and we ended up in bed together. In the end it just didn't work out and it was over before it had started really. It all happened a year after I'd lost my young niece so with that all going off in my mind it was no time to start new relationships. The reason I'm bringing all of this up now is that I had a dream this morning where I was as I am now and I was waiting at Widnes train station. I used to work in Widnes around 10 years ago. As I was waiting, all of the women I've ever had romantic links to arrived, all of the women I've fancied turned up. Some of them recognised me and were happy for me, others I hid from. It was a strange old dream and it got me thinking as to it's meaning. One thing that's held me back in any relationship is my hang ups over how previous relationships didn't work out. Maybe the dream was telling me I need to move on. The train station might have signified that. Maybe I need to get on that train and leave my past behind, move on and lay past ghosts to rest.

This may seem like I'm rambling. To the untrained eye it may seem like I've gone a bit off original topic. Well, The whole moving on thing links in pretty well with recent events in my life. I've met a woman called Maria. She's 32 and we've had two dates so far with a third scheduled for next week. We've only met for coffee so far but we get on and I think she likes me. She's suggested a cinema trip and we're going to go when I'm off work in a few weeks. She is lovely and I do really like her. We're texting every day and I'm being really positive about this. She has got kids, two daughters. The eldest is 8 and the youngest is 18 months. As far as I know she doesn't know about my past and as of writing I'm not exactly sure if or when I'd tell her. Is it something she really needs to know? I did have a sort of rule that if ever a potential relationship got to five dates then I'd tell them. Now I'm not so sure. My main thing now is making sure that she likes me for me and that she can see me for who I am not who I was.

     The reason that these new developments link in with that dream is that I am trying to think positive but I can't help fearing how I'll feel if it all goes wrong. I remember how broken hearted I was after Jamie and how I was left feeling after all of my other potential relationships failed. The trouble with me is that any future romance is riding on the back of a past filled with failure and I need to put all of that to bed. I need to focus on the here and now, focus on the good that could happen rather than the bad.