Learning To Feel Accepted

(L to R)
Me, Emily and Ellen

Last night I went out on the town. I think I've mentioned briefly before about how supportive my college group is so I'm going to expand on that a little bit. Now, in school I never really fitted in and I was bullied. This kinda carried on into my working life, once I'd left school. When I did begin to fit in, when I found a niche to belong to, it wasn't how I wanted to fit in. I didn't want to be 'one of the guys', I didn't want to fit into that niche. It was a place though and somewhere to belong to so I just got on with things I guess. When I transitioned I needed a new place to fit in and it has taken me a while to find that place. I now feel like I belong in a place I want to belong to. I've found a level of acceptance that I'm happy with and that I need in my life right now. That is because of the college group. We are all so close and I genuinely feel accepted as one of them. I'm not on the sidelines, not being judged, not being taken apart like a frog in a biology class. I'm me, Emma, and they treat me with so much respect and love that I can feel myself begin to well up writing this. The thing is that we've all said the same to each other. We can not believe how much we've bonded and how much we get on.

(L to R)
Back Row: Dave, ???, Me, Jack, Jo, Josh
Front Row: Rachel, Tammie, Kelly, Paige, Katie

Last night, a few of us went into town. I wasn't drinking, due to driving, but I still had such a great time. I felt like one of them, like they genuinely wanted me there. From the outsider, this may be coming across like an emotionally charged drunken speech. I assure you that I'm as sober as a judge. It's just that I need acceptance, I need reassurance and I need to know that I would be missed were I not there. For so long, especially in social settings, I've felt like people find me an embarrassment, a trophy freak. Now I feel accepted, I feel reassured and I feel like I would be missed and that just feels so nice.

Well, I Wrote A Book....

So, I wrote a book. I managed to self-publish it on Amazon in September and I'm so proud of it! I had been wanting to write a book for years but had never got round to it. I guess that following my operation in March last year, I finally had an ending so I just thought I'd do it. It's been really well received by all who have read it so far and I am so proud of it. Yes, I know that I already said that but I thought it warranted my saying it again!
I do love writing and finishing the book only really increased that passion. I guess that it showed that there could be a fruit to my labours, that I could achieve something with my writing. It's also given me the confidence to believe in myself as a writer. I'm a good writer with a really easy to read style and I have so much to write about. I find it easier to write than speak sometimes. Anyway, you can get my book from Amazon and the link is below so why not check it out. You can get it in paperback format and also in e-book.

From The Edge... In Paperback and e-book

All Hunky Dory in Emma-World, Despite The Odd Dysphoric Cloud

This is me now!!!!

I used to post on this blog a fair old bit didn't I. Those were the days when I needed to blog, when I needed to let stuff out. It's important to keep things from getting to a stage when they can really cause problems and I always released that stuff by writing about it! It allowed me a voice without my having to actually sit down across from someone and talk about it. Talking about stuff makes it real, it makes it an actual issue and I need to know that there were no issues. I guess that it's my way of navigating through life and it works. Writing is therapy, personal therapy and it really does work. That's why I blogged while I was transitioning because I needed that therapy. By blogging, I was talking my issues out, I had an audience yet I couldn't see that audience. When you can't see an audience, can't know of their reactions, how can you be judged? I don't like being judged, don't like feeling judged either!

So, why did I suddenly decide to stop blogging. Well I didn't really. I've carried on posting to my television based blog but that's not real blogging. With this blog, I never planned a post. More often than not I would sit down in front of my laptop and just see what I churned out and that's what I always loved about blogging! It was personal and the posts were windows into how I was feeling! When I decided to stop this blog I filled the space it left behind by writing my book and since then I've not had the therapy or the outlet that writing gives me! That is why I'm going to reopen this blog, why I honestly doubt I'll ever stop blogging like this. This isn't planned, no notes have been made. This is simply me and my IPad and what ever my fingers are churning out and it's really helping me!

Why have I suddenly realised that I need to write like this, what has happened in my life for me to realise that I still need 'therapy'? Well, one word, Sociology! To cut a long story short, I'm doing an Access course at college and one of the classes is Sociology. We are currently studying Sex and Gender and certain aspects of the module are a bit too close to home. Last week we had to do a presentation explaining what a word in meant. We could choose either gender, sex, gender identity, sexuality, masculinity and femininity. I chose gender identity because it's something I know about having struggled with mine for many years. Before I carry on, I will say that my college group all know about my history and they have all been absolutely fantastic about it. I feel so accepted by them and long term readers to this blog will know how important acceptance is to me.

The day of the presentation came and I was so nervous. I opted to go first and I think I did okay. I used my own experience within the presentation and it was very well received. Once the presentation was over though, once I sat down in my seat, I just started crying. I quickly got myself back under control but I still felt incredibly emotional about it. Gender is a subject that is extremely close to me and talking about it is something I still find hard to do. It brings things back bubbling to the surface, things I thought I'd long since buried!

Today we had Sociology again and the main focus of the lesson was stereotypes between masculine and feminine. That was fine and I quite enjoyed it. Towards the end though we suddenly switched to stereotypes regarding transgender people. I felt myself start to shake and I felt my heart start to race. I suddenly felt like I was being opened up and examined and I didn't like it. I felt this bubbling sensation rise up from my feet and it swept over me and then the tears started. I could hear the discussion as it started but it sounded muffled and I realised that I just couldn't handle it. I stormed out of the class and into the corridor. I was shaking and I felt drunk. I thought I was going to collapse because I couldn't keep my balance. I somehow made it to the toilet and I locked myself in a cubicle and I just sobbed! I sobbed my eyes out! I felt judged and I felt so uncomfortable! In my life I've put myself into many situations that were uncomfortable and I've found a way to handle them. That though, I just couldn't handle it and I feel like a bit of a coward because of it. It was the old fight or flight reflex and I took the flight option. I ran because I honestly could not handle the situation I was put in! I don't walk away from things so I guess that the fact that I ran from this just shows the depth of feeling I had towards the whole thing!

A couple of other students from the class came out to make sure I was okay and the tutor apologised saying that she should've pre-warned me about the transgender part of the lesson. To be honest, I'm not sure whether a pre-warn would have made a great deal of difference. It might have at least prepared me though! 

So, where do I go from here? Do I let this get to me again or do I find a way to contol things and to battle ever on? I've got to try and find a way to fight and to keep this from getting to me. I'm not a coward! I have been experiencing a bit of a dysphoria flare up of late so perhaps that didn't help matters. Basically, even though I've transitioned, even though I am a woman in body, mind and legally, I still get times when I feel like a fraud. I feel like I'm being a fake and that I'm a freak. Whether it's down to unresolved issues, I don't know. Normally I can handle it. I paint a smile on and I get through to the rainbow beyond the clouds. It's my way and it works! Sometimes though, it is hard to pretend everything's hunky dory in EmmaWorld and all it takes is a trigger. Unfortunately, Sociology was the trigger today!

From The Edge!

On the 1st September 2014, my book will be available to download from the Amazon Kindle store. It's the story of my journey through transition, quite literally from the edge!

Finding Closure.

     There was no fanfare, no six gun salute, no marching band, simply me pushing ENTER! I'm not sure how I thought I'd feel when I deleted the first volume of this blog, Breaking Free From The Bud. In the end it just felt normal, like the most regular thing in the world. It's gone now, gone from the internet.

     My life this past few weeks has been dominated by closure, by the need to move on in life and experience the next chapter. This was signalled by my getting my Gender Recognition Certificate but it's a theme that's stretched into other avenues in my life. I've now received my proper birth certificate which states my name and gender so now to all intense and purposes I'm legally female and (should I choose) I can go completely stealth. I've even had a letter from the tax office stating that my records are now in a protective department reserved for those with former genders. The fact of the matter though is that my transition is now over. I've transitioned from male to female physically, emotionally and legally. I can now move on and claim some kind of closure.

     A dream I had recently gave me a lot to think about. I was driving home from college when my car broke down. I needed to get home so I forced a passer-by to give me a piggy back. I jumped on her back and forced her to take me home whilst I rode her like she was some kind of horse! Suddenly, I looked down and I realised that it was me as I am now. I then realised that I was me as I used to be, in my male role. Essentially girl me was giving male me a ride on her back! I believe quite strongly in meanings in dreams and I have no doubt what this one meant. The imagery suggests that I'm carrying the person I used to be on my back, that I'm not yet free of my past. This dream links in with a dream I had a few weeks ago. I think I mentioned it, where I was on the train station platform and I couldn't catch the train, I couldn't move on from my past that filled the platform.

     My need to move on is linked in with recent romantic developments. I've spoken about Maria before and things are going okay. It's going slowly, we don't seem to see each other as much as I'd like, but thinks are going okay. We've kissed and held hands and we both like each other. There are complications (aside from my history) because she's got kids. That kind of limits the time we get to spend together. At first it really annoyed me because I do want to spend time with her. I want to move on with this. Now though I've found a certain peace with it all. I'm enjoying it and it's what I need at this moment in time. We can both be good for each other but, and there is a BUT, I'm not sure if it's got a future. There are just so many complications and I've had enough complication in my life. I kinda want something that's easy and this relationship doesn't feel all that easy. I am enjoying it while it lasts though and it's building up the confidence. I think that, should this not work out, I could still find another nice woman. I don't feel like I'm incapable of ever finding anyone (as I've felt before). I feel confident about dating and about finding a girl I can settle down with, who ever that may be. Realising this has been great in helping me to move on and find closure with events in my past.

     The theme of closure is something that hasn't only been limited to my transition. Last October (just two days after my Breast Augmentation) my grandma died. She was one of my biggest supporters throughout my transition and her death was a huge shock. It was me and my mum who found her, collapsed on the kitchen floor and that's an image I'll take to my own grave. I still miss her and I don't think I've gained closure yet but it finally looks like her bungalow is set to be sold. Hopefully this will help in the respect of closure and it'll mean that we can all move on.

   

If you've enjoyed this blog then please add my new blog to your favourites list or bookmark it in your browser. It's about what comes next, once transition ends......

You can find it here.....

The Next Path

The End Of This Journey Now I've Broken Free Of The Bud

     This is the second volume of my blog. Before I started this one I regularly posted to a blog called 'Breaking Free of the Bud'. It followed the first few years of my transition and it's still read by a lot of people despite the fact that I've not posted to it for nearly three years! I know for a fact that it's helped a lot of people and it certainly helped me when I posted to it. I'm now going to cut right down to the chase and say that I've decided to take it down from the internet. There are many reasons behind this, mainly that I'm hoping to publish it in book form at some point. Another reason links into the reason that I've decided to no longer post to this blog!

     I'm a big fan of Doctor Who and at the end of the sixth series (I think) Doctor Who realises that he's become too big. He's realised that there are a lot of bad things that want him dead and so he decides (after faking his own death) to 'step back into the shadows'. I think that I need to step back into the shadows. The over riding reason for this is my GRC. I've said that it feels like the end of my journey and so it feels like the perfect time to reinvent a few things in my life. I just don't feel trans any more and I'm not sure I identify in that way.

     When I stopped this blog before I came back because I missed blogging and because my story wasn't done. I'm going to continue blogging, just somewhere else. I need to start afresh, start this life I've now got. Going stealth is my route I feel and so that's what I'm going to attempt. I was speaking to a good friend of mine, Samantha, the other evening. I told her that I feel like a woman now. I go to meet a LGBT group every now and again and I've made some great friends within that group. The thing is that (and I've felt this for a while) I don't meet them as a transsexual I meet them as a Lesbian woman and I'm sure that that's what they see me as.

     I don't regret my past, don't feel ashamed of my life before or during transition. I just feel that it is my past and that it doesn't have to be my present. I'll post the link to my new blog when I start it if anyone wants to keep upto date with what I'm up to. In the meantime I'll be keeping this blog online until October (the anniversary of when it began). My other blog, Breaking Free of the Bud, hasn't quite got as long left. I'll be removing it on Monday and it's sixth year anniversary. If you want to read it before it goes you can find it here! Thankyou for reading and for following my journey. I'll see you on the other side.....