All It Takes...

I'm coming to the end of my first semester at University. Did I ever believe that I'd say that, let alone be experiencing it. The changes I've made to my life in the past 6 years have been incredible, truly incredible. I'm just a completely different person, in a positive way of course.

Way back, this time in 2009 I was working in Spain as a Chef in the south-eastern resort of La Manga Club. It was a beautiful place of white washed millionaires villas, clear blue sea and long sunny days. Well, one night, around this time, I stood on the edge of a cliff and my life completely changed direction. I was just trundling along at the point, just ambling along through life. I had no clear direction and to some extent I guess I was existing rather than living. Then, one rainy night I decided that I'd had enough. I couldn't carry on living this lie, couldn't carry on along this route. I had to make a choice. I could either change things or I may as well just step of the edge into oblivion.

So, I chose life. I came back to England and made peace with the fact that I was transgender and that I needed to do something about it. For me, the solution was transition and 6 years on I haven't looked back. I don't regret living a male existence because I had experiences I wouldn't have had otherwise. I did have some good times and I met people without whom my life wouldn't be so rich. Saying all of this, I do regret not transitioning sooner. I feel that I've lost years because I began transition at 28 rather than ten years sooner. Ultimately though, I love being me. I still smile when someone calls me Emma or uses female pronouns to refer to me. That part of transition, despite being the norm, will never get boring.

Transition wasn't the only thing I needed to do in order to improve my life though. I needed to take a long hard look at my career. Did I really want to be a chef? The answer was a resounding no so just months after my Gender Reassignment Surgery I enrolled at college. I spent a year redoing my Maths, English and Science GCSEs then spent a year doing an Access to Higher Education course. All of that brings me here, to Bangor University where I'm studying English Literature and Journalism. Can I believe I'm here? No. It still feels strange. It was never something that was on the cards for me although, like transition, I wish I'd done it sooner.

As well as transition and university, I've also written a book about my life, interviewed Rebecca Root and I've had articles published in the student paper. Claude Littner himself read my Apprentice review! Things are still looking up for me! I guess that the purpose of this post is that it's never too late to change. I needed to literally look into the jaws of oblivion but I shouldn't have needed that! All it takes is the belief that what you are doing is right and that it's needed in order for you to live a full and great life. A life worth living!

True Terror, The Return?

What Sleep Paralysis feels like!

About fifteen years ago I began suffering with sleep paralysis. I was going through a lot of stuff and I struggled to keep it all together but keep it together I did and so the side effect was the sleep paralysis. Basically, sleep paralysis occurs when you are either just dropping off to sleep or (as in my case) when you are just waking up. In my case I would begin to regain conciousness but I wouldn't beable to move my body. I would be paralysed. Sometimes I would sense something else in my room with me getting closer to my bed. I would feel defenceless because I wouldn't be able to move yet this monster would be getting closer to me. If you've ever experienced it then you will agree that it is simply terrifying. Because you are semi-concious you believe that it's all real. It also seems to continue for a long time!

I would experience sleep paralysis about every 2-3 months but then one day, about 10 years ago it just stopped. That was until last night when it happened again. It was terrifying and it's worried me a little bit. I have some idea why I had sleep paralysis because I think it's because I'm missing my family. I've felt incredibly homesick for the last couple of days and whether it's playing on my mind, that could explain it.

I am enjoying University but there are days when I do feel really alone. I've made friends, there are a few of my flatmates I really get on with and I've made friends on my course. Our flat isn't as close as I'd like though. Other flats seem to have really bonded. It is something I perhaps regret about moving into the quiet block but it is the only regret. None of my food has gone missing, the kitchen is tidy and the only noise I get is from other blocks. Also, I do like my flatmates.

I guess that I like to think I'm a lone wolf on this journey through life but as I get older I begin to feel lonely more than I ever used to. I need to feel a part of something and I need people to count on me. I need to feel useful which is why I'm always willing to help people.

If This Is A Dream I Hope I Never Wake Up

I still have to pinch myself sometimes! I'm a girl and this month I'm moving to university! It's possibly the closest I've been to a perfect life than I've been my whole life. For many years I lived a life I thought I needed to live in order to be a well rounded and good person. I had a career, I had friends and I was generally liked by most people. Because of this I was content with my lot. Sure, I wasn't entirely happy being the gender I was but I was what I was. At the time I didn't think there was anything I could do about that and the same goes for my career. I was a Chef. It was something I was good at and it was all I thought I knew. 

Fast forward ten years and I'm now extremely happy being the gender I am and I'm extremely happy with my future career prospects. It's not been easy but finally I'm no longer content with my lot in life, I'm so happy with my life! Is it a dream? Will I wake up soon, put on my male clothes and head off to a hard days work in the kitchen? It feels like it should be a dream. Is this really my life right now? Am I really a girl? Did I really transition? Did I really achieve that impossible dream?

Then we come to university! For so long it was just a pipe dream, something other people did and now it's something I'm doing. Am I really going off to university? It's something I do ask myself almost daily. It still doesn't seem real yet although I'm sure that'll change once I move into halls on the 20th September. Then my perfect life can continue. Can I just ask one thing though, one last thing. If this is a dream, if this wonderful life where my gender is as it should be and where my future is bright is a product of my subconscious, can I please never wake up? Can I stay sleeping forever in this perfect life of mine.  

Until The Next Time!

Back Row (L-R)
Jo, Me, Emily, Dave, Andy Y, Leanne, Gail (Psychology Lecturer), Sarah P, Andy W, Abbi, Sarah S
Front Row (L-R)
Josh H, Richard (English Lecturer), Kelly, Tammie, Paige

Last night I bid farewell to a group of people who ten months ago I didn't even know existed. What a strange thought that is but that's the nature of life isn't it. One day we just meet people who we find common ground with, who we connect with and who become essential elements within our lives. That's what I found with my fellow graduates from the Chesterfield College Access to Higher Education Humanities group. A group of people all on their own journeys yet with a common bond and a common purpose; following their dream of a better future. Yes, we all knew this day would come, we all knew that we would have to say goodbye to each other and head off to our respective universities. Despite that knowledge hanging over us for nine months, it was still emotional and a bitter sweet end to a fantastic period in our lives. Nine months ago we were college students, now we are essentially university students. Courses such as Psychology, Primary School Teaching, English, Creative Writing, Social Work and Journalism await us in September. New experiences, new friends, new lives. With all of this to come, why is it so hard to let go? Why is it so difficult to say goodbye? Why does life seem a little emptier now?

Bitter sweet is a description I’ve used a lot when talking about the end of the college course. It’s sweet because I’m heading to university and a brand new life. I’m breaking free and in terms of my transition, my move to North Wales represents that perfectly. I’m breaking free from the chains of my old life. I’ll be studying English Literature and Journalism which will give me the skills and grounding towards a career in media. I want to gain a stage and have my voice heard; a voice I want to use for the good of the transgender community. Life is on the up for me, a deep determination to succeed taking root. There is a bitter side to the end of college though, that of having to say goodbye.

The amazing 3 girls I was lucky enough to share a table with for
the past 9 months!
From L-R
Me, Emily, Leanne and Kelly

I hate goodbyes, always have. Having to say goodbye to my fellow Access students sucks, it really does! We have supported each other and we have all spent the last ten months going through the same stresses as we’ve battled to get the top grades. The course has changed me, there is no doubt about that! I’ve found a level of acceptance that I never imagined I’d get and as a result my confidence has improved. I’m a new person to the one I was last September, Emma 2.0 and that is thanks to my friends from college. I say friends because that is what they are to me, friends. Last night we may have hugged goodbye, we may have shed tears and we may feel sad that this chapter in our lives appears to be over. There’s no reason why we can’t all continue into the next chapter though, why we can’t all meet up at Christmas and next summer. We can Skype and message on Facebook and even Tweet. Last night we may have said our goodbyes but for me, it was merely ‘Until the next time!’  

Nine Months of Acceptance

I instantly felt included and accepted despite initial doubts!

In September, I began a nine month long Access to HE course at college. To say I was nervous before I started is an understatement. Obviously, the fact that I'm trans caused a lot of those nerves. I know that I pass reasonably well but I knew that my trans status would likely come up at some point. I'm not exactly 'in the closet' on Facebook! Of course, I was concerned that people could feel uncomfortable and that I could find myself shunned by the group to a certain extent. In hindsight, i should have thought more of my fellow students, even at that early stage. The trouble with being trans is that not everybody is okay with it regardless how open we try and believe modern society to be. Whenever I meet anybody there is always that little thing in my mind that asks "What if they aren't okay with the trans thing?"

The trans thing didn't come up straight away, in fact it took a few weeks. When it did, I felt a mix of emotions. I had made certain bonds within the group and I felt ashamed that I'd not been honest from the start. I also felt embarrassed by the fact that I was trans which is stupid really because I'm not embarrassed about being trans. It's who I am and I am proud of that fact to a certain extent. I also felt vulnerable and that is perhaps the overriding emotion I felt, vulnerability. What if I wasn't accepted, there was nothing I could do about it. I had to take what ever I was given and I had to accept that. I wanted to get through the course. If I had been shunned then I would have continued the course as an outcast such was my determination to get to the promised land of University.

Kelly, Myself and Tammie at the Christmas meal!

I'm not entirely sure when the fact that I was trans became common knowledge within the group but when it bcaame apparent that everyone knew, it was handeled so sensitively. No one came right out with it to me, no one made me feel uncomfortable, no one treated me any differently. I was treated as an equal and as a valued member of the group and that was so important to me. It is something I will forever be thankful to them for, as a collective. Now, this isn't to say that it was all easy as I found when we began studying Sex and Gender Studies in Sociology. For a presentation on gender we had to do, I took the opportunity to talk a little bit about my own gender identity. I used my own experiences within the presentation and it took everything I had to deliver it. The week after, the topic of transgender came up and I just couldn't handle it. It was an exercise to discuss the stereotypes associated with masculine, feminine and transgender and so I felt judged. I had to get out of there so I fled the classroom and had a bit of a panic attack in the corridor. I couldn't breath, couldn't keep my balance, I just lost control. Following the episode, I had a long chat with my lecturer who was so
great about everything.

Since then, I've had the time of my life on the course. I have quite literally loved every moment. I've been accepted as a woman, as a valued member of the group. I feel a part of things, as though I'm respected. Those things are things we all should expect but which very few people in my situation truly get. I may come across as soppy at times with how I go on about how thankful I am for acceptence but that's because I don't treat it as a given. I know that not everyone will accept me for what I am and I know that not everyone will respect me for it. They will see trans before they see the person underneath. That is why I am truly thankful for every ounce of respect and acceptance I get. That is why being called a girl to my face brings me out in a smile, why being referred to as she and her makes me happy for the rest of the day. Every time I'm accepted as a female and treated as such, I feel a warm glow of joy inside. That is why I appreciate each and every one of my fellow students in my college group and why I will never forget this nine months I've had the pleasure of spending in their company.

A night out with the college group!
From L-R
Back Row - Dave, ?????, Me, Jack, Jo, Josh H
Front Row - Rachel (not on the course), Tammie, Kelly, Paige, Katie

The college group at Christmas!
From L - R
Back Row - Leanne, Emily, Katie, Jack, Me, Josh H, Sarah S, Andy W, Andy Y, Dave
Middle Row - Jo, Paige, Abi, Josh C
Front Row - Kelly, Tammie

Where Will You Be In Five Years Time?

Me today!

Imagine back to five years ago. Where did you imagine you'd be on the 17th May 2015 way back in 2010? What were your hopes and aspirations for the coming half-decade? Where did you imagine your life to be headed? For me, way back then, I was called Paul Jewkes and I was what I refer to as pre-transition. I had started along the path to transition and had attended two appointments at the Nottingham Gender Clinc. My family had been aware of my gender issues for just over a year at this point too. I was still a Chef, having been working as a Senior Chef de Partie at Ringwood Hall for just under a year. My life was in a period of upheaval though for I was just a few weeks away from beginning life as Emma Victoria Jewkes!

It's so hard to believe that it's been five years since I went full-time because a kind of paradox exists. On the one hand it feels like I've been living this way for a lot longer, like I've been living as my rightful gender for my whole life. On the other hand though I don't feel like I've had long enough living like this. I experience an almost daily regret at my lost years, the lost time I spent living as a boy rather than the girl I should have been. Anyway, that's a conversation for another post at another time. This post is all about celebrating the fact that I've enjoyed five amazing years living as the right gender!

It really has been amazing! Life has just gotten better with each year since I went full-time. I see myself as being able to do anything now and that is a direct result of my transition. If I can change gender (in the eyes of society at least), if I can put myself out there and say "This is me, I'm a trans woman", if I can experience transition then I can truly do anything. It was that attitude that led to me quitting catering. It was never really a job I enjoyed and a lot of the time I endured it if I'm being completely honest. I'm now just a few short months from university and that "I can do anything" attitude is what will carry me through.

I guess that the moral of this post is that when people ask you where you think you'll be in five years time, believe that ANYTHING is possible. I'm living proof that there is nothing to fear but fear itself, that if you truly want something then you can achieve it. I wanted to go full-time and I did. I wanted GRS and I got it! I wanted a better career for myself and I'm doing it! Don't get me wrong, five years ago I guessed that I'd have had my GRS by now but that was about the only thing. Everything else, the fact that I'd be living a healthy, happy life full of acceptance, the fact that I'd be doing something I loved, the fact that I'd have a truly optimistic future, well it all seemed a bit pie in the sky! In fact, if you rewind back to 2005 and a decade ago, I doubted whether I'd even still be here by the time 2015 hit! Thankfully I am and thankfully I'm now living a life which I truly want to experience, a life I wake up every morning to with a smile and a little giggle at the fact that I can scarcely believe this is my life!

The Reunion of the Class of '98!!!

Ever since I transitioned, I've often wondered what a school reunion would be like. It's that age old stereotypical thing isn't it, often played out on the telly and in the movies. A school reunion and someone shows up who has had a sex change! Now, at school I didn't enjoy the best of times. I didn't fit in, was different. I was quiet, tended to get on with things. As such I was either ignored or picked on which are both as bad as each other really. I certainly put a lot of my confidence issues as well as my inferior complex down to my treatment in school. Because of that, some would question my decision to attend a school reunion. But it's precisely because of what I experienced at school that I needed to go. I needed to show people that I'm not that quiet little boy anymore, that I've made something of myself and become a woman determined to live the best life she can! I also wanted to see people again, find out what they'd been up to in the 17 years since we all saw each other last.

L-R Jared, Me, Adam, Lindsey, Danny, Jordon,
Gemma and Laura

The idea of a school reunion was always bobbing around but it was only following the shocking and sad death of a fellow class of 98er that it really gathered steam and actually happened. We arranged to meet up in town and all in all in was a success. I had decided to drive mainly because I wanted to keep a clear head during what could have been quite an awkward and trying evening. Also, I didn't want the hangover today! Because I didn't want to get to the meeting place on my own, I arranged to meet some of the girls at one of there homes. We had a quick drink before heading into town. The girls were Gemma, Lisa and Emma and I could vaguely remember them from school. I think it's perhaps worth noting that everyone who attended the reunion knew of my transition via FaceBook. Some of them had even read my book or were in the process of doing so. Anyway, we got to the meet and then I began to feel out of my depth. The last time I felt close to that was when I first attended a works party as Emma back in 2009. I felt alone and like I didn't fit in and certain feelings I'd not felt since school came flooding back. It didn't feel right for some reason. Thankfully, these feelings began to subside once I got talking to people and soon I felt at ease with the situation. It was great to be finding out what people had been getting up to and how they had changed.

L-R Dean, Kerry, Nicola, Jordon, Me,
Adam, Lisa and Gemma

On the whole, everyone was truly respectful and positive towards me. I did get ‘dead named’ a few times but all were accidental apart from one. At school, one of my bullies was someone called Ryan. I can remember seeing him a couple of years ago so he was aware of my change and at the time, he'd justified his actions by suggesting that he used to look out for me. He didn't though, not really. He was a ringleader and would often coerce others into picking on me. At the reunion I didn't really speak to him and I was busy chatting to someone else when he called out, ‘Paul, you alright?’. It was a deliberate measure designed to humiliate me in front of everyone. I felt a heat rise in me and I heard one of those he was attempting to impress tell him off. Still, I felt like bursting into tears. It was a truly awful moment because in that moment I remembered every little jibe he'd made at school, every little comment, every wedge of confidence he'd knocked chipped from me. I needed to get out of there so I ran. I went into the toilets and locked myself in a cubicle. I'm proud to say that I didn't cry. I shook and I felt an extreme anger but I did not cry. Now, a couple of years ago I would have. I'd have cried my eyes out which just shows how far I've come! A couple of the other girls came in to check on me and they all made me feel so much better. A couple of them even had quiet words with Ryan, forcing him to apologise. It wasn't enough though because in that instant, he reduced me. He attempted to take away everything I've fought for in my life, everything I've been through and what I've become. He also showed that he's the same bully he always was, that the past 17 years have had no effect on him in terms of growth or maturity. I actually pity him because of that and I'm happy that everyone saw him for what he always was!

Apart from him, everyone was great. They treated me normally, with respect and I truly feel that I've made new friends now. It was a truly humbling experience at times! One thing I did get a certain amount of was apology, apology for how I'd been treated at school. We were kids though and kids are nasty. Kids don't truly understand how their actions can effect others and so how can you really be angry towards them? What happened at school happened and in the grand scheme of things I'm stronger because of that. When Ryan tried to apologise to me for ‘dead naming’ me I told him that it wasn't on, that you can't do things like that to people. He understood that what he did affected me, he knew that even as he did it! I'm not who I was at school, I'm much stronger than I was because of the life I've had. I've literally stood on the edge of oblivion and I came back and I refuse to let anyone reduce me again!

I'm going to end this post on a note of positivity in saying again that I was so touched by how I was allowed in, how accepting people were. I'm actually beginning to regret my choice to move to Wales in September now because I feel like I've made some more friends. That's for another blog post though so for now I'll just say that I can't wait to catch up with them again.