My GRS Experience - Day 7

Day 7: Sunday 31st March 2013
     I wake up after yet another poor nights sleep. My back is coated in the usual sweat and the soreness is as it's been on every morning I've spent here. I wait for breakfast and the drugs round before dilating. I'm still getting to grips with dilation in particularly the uncomfortable nature of it. The mess is an unpleasant thing too. As I push the dilator in any excess lubricant gets pushed off and drips down into the crease of my bum. I'm also experiencing a lot of discharge which isn't very pleasant at all.

     After my morning dilation I wash up and douche. Douching involves cleaning out my vagina. I have a douche, which is a rubber balloon with a tube coming out of it. The tube has a number of small openings at the top and screws off the rubber balloon. Basically I fill the rubber balloon with warm water, screw the tube back on, before inserting it into my vagina. I then have to squeeze the balloon which pushes the water up into my vagina flushing it out. I have to do this after every dilation because my new vagina, aside from not being self lubricating, isn't self cleaning.

     After my morning battle with the dilators I do my make-up before catching up with my notes for my GRS diary. The orderly brings us all a cup of coffee and some biscuits. The Russian lady in F-1 jokingly asks for some carrot cake which makes us all laugh. At 11:00am Deborah pops her head round the curtain and mentions that she's popping to the chapel to light a candle. With everything happening I'd almost forgotten that today is Easter Sunday. I'm not religious by any stretch of the imagination but it seems a nice thing to do so I go along with her. Adele comes too. As we walk past E-Bay we pop in to see Vera, the elderly lady who I briefly met on my first day here. She's sat out of bed and seems very frail. It's hard not to feel sorry for her, in here on her own.

     The chapel is only a couple of minutes walk down the corridor. It's a nice building with lots of stained glass. As we stand there and light candles one of the volunteers comes over. He's a short, elderly man called Fred and he starts chatting to us. We mention that we've come from the Marjorie Warren ward and he instantly realises that we're transexual. We spend a couple of minutes talking to Fred who isn't fazed by our trans status. He assures us that God loves everyone and that elements of the catholic church are wrong if they believe trans people will go to hell. It's actually quite nice to spend time in the Chapel and I light three candles. The first one I light for my Grandad, the second one for my Aunty Janet and the third for my niece Ruby. I shed a couple of tears as I remember them.

     After the Chapel we head to Costa for a drink. I get myself a Caramel Latte and I buy the Russian lady a piece of carrot cake. It's nice in Costa as its a piece of society. On the ward it's easy to become split off from the world. You see the same people, doing the same things and that becomes your world fairly quickly. Going to Costa, even just for half an hour, has become very important and I wish I'd come this way sooner in the week.

     We head back to the ward, have dinner and painkillers, before I get a text from my mum telling me that they're in Costa. I head back there and spend a nice afternoon with my parents. Hopefully I'll be going home tomorrow and it's a thought which has started to scare me. I want to go home but here I'm safe. If I have any problems then a nurse is only a buzzer away. I'm also growing fond of my birth twins and Sally and I'm not looking forward to leaving them. It may be different if we were all leaving hospital on the same day but I'm leaving a day sooner than they are.

     The evening is quiet as we all relax and do our own thing. I'm having my catheter out at midnight and I try and take my mind of it. I do a bit of reading then I do some puzzles then I close my eyes in an attempt at sleep. I can't sleep though because of the uncertainty of having this pipe pulled out of my urethra. It's got to hurt hasn't it?

     The lights go out at 10:30pm and I do my final dilation of the day. I've left it later than last night because I figured it'd give me something to do as I waited for midnight. At 11:55pm Joanna pops her head around the curtain and says that it's time. She inserts a syringe into the side of the catheter which lets down a balloon. It's this balloon which keeps the catheter in I believe. She tugs, I get a strange feeling where I can feel myself wee then it's out. It didn't hurt at all which surprises me. It's a strange feeling to lose the catheter bag. All week it's been a constant companion strapped to my leg. Now its gone I feel a strange sense as though I'm missing something.

     Now the catheters out I need to wee before they'll clear me for discharge. There's a chance that the urethra will close up so it can be a bit touch and go. My parents smuggled me in a small bottle of rosé a couple of days ago so I drink it now under the belief that it'll make me want to have a wee. I'm not wrong and at 00:55am I have my first girl wee. Because the urethra is still healing it sprays a bit and doesn't go straight. That doesn't matter though because it means that I can go home. I stride down to the nurses station and say proudly, 'I've just had a wee!'. The nurse smiles and reiterates that I should be discharged tomorrow.

     I get back into bed and slowly drift off to sleep picturing home in my minds eye. I'm happy to be going home, despite the fears I have.