I wake up at the normal time of 5:00am despite the fact that I didn't get to sleep until gone 2:00am. I just lay in bed thinking, no energy to even put my IPad on. Today is a big day in that I'm going home. I'm looking forward to it, looking forward to a brand new future but the fear is still there. The outside scares me a bit despite the fact that I've only been in here a week. I've become institutionilised and it's a shock at how quickly that can happen.
Today I dilate early, before breakfast and I also have a shower. After breakfast I just rest up and relax. Iffy (the clinical nurse specialist) is popping in at just before noon to clear me for discharge so I have a few hours to kill. I'm reluctant to start packing just yet for fear of getting ahead of myself. I spend some time chatting to Deborah. The Russian lady in F-1 is also going home today so she seems in high spirits.
At just after 11:00am Iffy pops in and checks my surgical site. She seems happy that everything's as it should be so clears me for discharge. I'm happy but also quite sad to leave my little corner of F-Bay. I have dinner and my last painkillers before I dilate for the final time at Charing Cross.
I start to pack and it doesn't take me too long. It's just a matter of stuffing everything back in my case. I put my normal clothes back on and it feels oddly strange. For a week I've been living in pyjamas so to actually get dressed properly is an odd experience. I do my make-up and wait for my discharge papers. At 1:30pm a nurse brings me a bag with a box of paracetamol, a box of Ibuprofen, 3 tubes of aquagel lubricant (for dilation), my discharge papers and a 12 week sick note. I'm free although it doesn't really feel like it should. I say goodbye to the Russian lady who hugs me and wishes me luck and I hug Adele too. I then pop into E-Bay and say goodbye to Sally. We all swap Facebook details and email addresses I hope we can all stay in touch because we've gone through this unique experience together. My parents aren't coming until 3:30pm so Deborah comes with me to Costa for a coffee. She also gives me a hand with my luggage.
Walking down the ward toward the exit doors I feel sad. I can't believe that only a week ago I was sat in E-Bay waiting to have my surgery. It's a crazy experience to pack into one week and it's definitely been an overwhelming one. I've read many accounts yet none of them read like my own. Sure certain things are similar but this has been an experience, my experience.
We sit in Costa for an hour before Adele joins us with her visitors. It's nice to have one final coffee with my birth-twins and we take a couple of photos as mementos. At 3:30pm my parents arrive. They order a taxi and stand at the front entrance as I say one final goodbye to Adele and Deborah. I'm really going to miss them it has to be said despite the fact that I've only got to know them over the past few days.
The taxi arrives and I finally leave Charing Cross Hospital. As the taxi swings out into the afternoon traffic and drives past the hospital I begin to cry a little bit. I'm sorry to be leaving this place, this place that helped me to complete my transition. I've had a love/hate relationship with the place, it has to be said but overall I'm sad to be leaving it.
As we weave through the London traffic, past the tall glass fronted buildings, I feel like achild again with my whole future spread out in front of me. It's scary but also wondrous at the same time. It doesn't occur to me that a week ago I was in theater and Mr Bellringer was working his miracles.
We arrive at the station a couple of hours before our train and so head to the nearest coffee shop. As we walk I suddenly burst into tears. My mum asks me what's wrong to which I have no answer. I don't know why I'm crying. I think the emotion of the past week is partly to blame.
We board the train at 6:15pm and settle down into our pre-booked first class seats. As the train heads out of London I reflect on what has been an immense experience. It's been something which no one can take away from me and each part of it has improved me as a person. I hated it in the first few days after surgery. I can remember feeling so lonely and so out of place. The second half of the week was entirely different once I started to get to know the other girls on the ward. I also had purpose in that second week which proved to be a very valuable thing.
I get home at 9:30pm and I feel so tired. I have a snack and a coffee before heading to my room. I have to do my evening dilation and it feels more uncomfortable than it did in the hospital. I manage to get through it though and I settle down to sleep. I'm home.
At just after 11:00am Iffy pops in and checks my surgical site. She seems happy that everything's as it should be so clears me for discharge. I'm happy but also quite sad to leave my little corner of F-Bay. I have dinner and my last painkillers before I dilate for the final time at Charing Cross.
I start to pack and it doesn't take me too long. It's just a matter of stuffing everything back in my case. I put my normal clothes back on and it feels oddly strange. For a week I've been living in pyjamas so to actually get dressed properly is an odd experience. I do my make-up and wait for my discharge papers. At 1:30pm a nurse brings me a bag with a box of paracetamol, a box of Ibuprofen, 3 tubes of aquagel lubricant (for dilation), my discharge papers and a 12 week sick note. I'm free although it doesn't really feel like it should. I say goodbye to the Russian lady who hugs me and wishes me luck and I hug Adele too. I then pop into E-Bay and say goodbye to Sally. We all swap Facebook details and email addresses I hope we can all stay in touch because we've gone through this unique experience together. My parents aren't coming until 3:30pm so Deborah comes with me to Costa for a coffee. She also gives me a hand with my luggage.
Walking down the ward toward the exit doors I feel sad. I can't believe that only a week ago I was sat in E-Bay waiting to have my surgery. It's a crazy experience to pack into one week and it's definitely been an overwhelming one. I've read many accounts yet none of them read like my own. Sure certain things are similar but this has been an experience, my experience.
We sit in Costa for an hour before Adele joins us with her visitors. It's nice to have one final coffee with my birth-twins and we take a couple of photos as mementos. At 3:30pm my parents arrive. They order a taxi and stand at the front entrance as I say one final goodbye to Adele and Deborah. I'm really going to miss them it has to be said despite the fact that I've only got to know them over the past few days.
The taxi arrives and I finally leave Charing Cross Hospital. As the taxi swings out into the afternoon traffic and drives past the hospital I begin to cry a little bit. I'm sorry to be leaving this place, this place that helped me to complete my transition. I've had a love/hate relationship with the place, it has to be said but overall I'm sad to be leaving it.
As we weave through the London traffic, past the tall glass fronted buildings, I feel like achild again with my whole future spread out in front of me. It's scary but also wondrous at the same time. It doesn't occur to me that a week ago I was in theater and Mr Bellringer was working his miracles.
We arrive at the station a couple of hours before our train and so head to the nearest coffee shop. As we walk I suddenly burst into tears. My mum asks me what's wrong to which I have no answer. I don't know why I'm crying. I think the emotion of the past week is partly to blame.
We board the train at 6:15pm and settle down into our pre-booked first class seats. As the train heads out of London I reflect on what has been an immense experience. It's been something which no one can take away from me and each part of it has improved me as a person. I hated it in the first few days after surgery. I can remember feeling so lonely and so out of place. The second half of the week was entirely different once I started to get to know the other girls on the ward. I also had purpose in that second week which proved to be a very valuable thing.
I get home at 9:30pm and I feel so tired. I have a snack and a coffee before heading to my room. I have to do my evening dilation and it feels more uncomfortable than it did in the hospital. I manage to get through it though and I settle down to sleep. I'm home.
to be continued.......
Sounds like your whole transition was powered by coffee!
ReplyDeleteWe spent a lifetime holding in the emotion and tears, if there was ever a moment to let them free this surely had to be that moment...