The Yellow Looking Glass of The Wizard of Wonderland

     My book has reached the editing phase now! It's proving to be a really long process but also strangely therapeutic. It's meant I've had to revisit certain parts of my past, certain blog posts I wrote. It is a very rewarding process though. As my book is nearing completion I've been giving serious thought to a title. I've looked at a lot of the other transition books out there and the thing that struck me is that you know what they are about before you even open them. I don't want people to see my book as just another transition story but as a story of a journey, of hope, of an impossible dream come true. I'm also a big fan of hidden meanings and of symbolism and I want the title of my book to reflect that. The title of a book can often be just as important as the contents so it's something I'm giving considerable thought to.

     An idea I had was to link the title in with something. One of my favourite ever shows was Lost and something I used to love about it was how the episode titles linked in with things. They often named named episodes with links to popular literature such as The Wizard of Oz, Alice in Wonderland, etc. I want to do something similar with my book and might even do the same with the chapter titles.

     So, what could I link it in with. Well, ultimately my story is about a journey and about hope and one of the most famous journeys is Dorothy's in The Wizard of Oz. Her's is a story about a journey along a fraught path filled with obsticles and danger. Its a story of hope and of desire, of a need to get somewhere. It's a story that really links in with my life. I'm thinking of going for the title of The Yellow Brick Road which I think fits it really well. I may have to split the book in two (it's currently at 200,000 words!) so I'd call my second book Over The Rainbow.

     Obviously I'm open to any suggestions for the titles of both my books so any advice is helpful. Thankyou.

The Train To My Future

Yesterday, on my Magic March post, I mentioned about the prospect of romance and I thought I'd expand on that. I've never had the best luck in the romance stakes. Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments. Before I transitioned I went through a period where I attracted quite a few women. When I lived in Bakewell the waitresses seemed to have a thing for me. It's a thing between Chefs and waitresses. Chefs have power and women seem attracted to power. One of them, a girl called Sara, was someone I always had a thing for in Bakewell. She was younger than me (21 to my 26) and she was so attractive and I had a crush on her. I never did anything about it though because she seemed way out of my league. Anyway, one night she made a move on me and we ended up in bed together. In the end it just didn't work out and it was over before it had started really. It all happened a year after I'd lost my young niece so with that all going off in my mind it was no time to start new relationships. The reason I'm bringing all of this up now is that I had a dream this morning where I was as I am now and I was waiting at Widnes train station. I used to work in Widnes around 10 years ago. As I was waiting, all of the women I've ever had romantic links to arrived, all of the women I've fancied turned up. Some of them recognised me and were happy for me, others I hid from. It was a strange old dream and it got me thinking as to it's meaning. One thing that's held me back in any relationship is my hang ups over how previous relationships didn't work out. Maybe the dream was telling me I need to move on. The train station might have signified that. Maybe I need to get on that train and leave my past behind, move on and lay past ghosts to rest.

This may seem like I'm rambling. To the untrained eye it may seem like I've gone a bit off original topic. Well, The whole moving on thing links in pretty well with recent events in my life. I've met a woman called Maria. She's 32 and we've had two dates so far with a third scheduled for next week. We've only met for coffee so far but we get on and I think she likes me. She's suggested a cinema trip and we're going to go when I'm off work in a few weeks. She is lovely and I do really like her. We're texting every day and I'm being really positive about this. She has got kids, two daughters. The eldest is 8 and the youngest is 18 months. As far as I know she doesn't know about my past and as of writing I'm not exactly sure if or when I'd tell her. Is it something she really needs to know? I did have a sort of rule that if ever a potential relationship got to five dates then I'd tell them. Now I'm not so sure. My main thing now is making sure that she likes me for me and that she can see me for who I am not who I was.

     The reason that these new developments link in with that dream is that I am trying to think positive but I can't help fearing how I'll feel if it all goes wrong. I remember how broken hearted I was after Jamie and how I was left feeling after all of my other potential relationships failed. The trouble with me is that any future romance is riding on the back of a past filled with failure and I need to put all of that to bed. I need to focus on the here and now, focus on the good that could happen rather than the bad.

Magic March!

     It's March the 1st tomorrow and it's a date which always gets me excited. It is of course the month of my birthday. I've always loved birthdays because it's a day which I can truly call my own. Regardless of anything that happens throughout the year, March the 15th is my day and that will never change as long as I live. Over recent years though, March has become a truly magical month for me. It's a month in which good things happen. Let me explain.....

My First Time Out As Emma 
On March the 19th 2008 I went up to Manchester for my first ever time out as Emma. As far as momentus days go this has to be right up there at the top. I can still remember pretty much every aspect of that night right down to the taste of the Salmon I had for my meal. It reaffirmed for me most of what I was going through. I felt right and I felt amongst friends. That night was the first time I'd ever (knowingly) met anyone like me and for the first time in my life I felt like I fitted in.

My First G.I.C. Appointment
I recieved my appointment letter on the 7th January 2010. My appointment was on the 3rd March that same year and that is what started everything for me. Without that appointment then I'm not sure I'd be here today because attending the GIC allowed me to start transition when I did. I attended Nottingham G.I.C. and I have nothing but great things to say about the services (both medical and psychological) that I recieved while under their care.

My G.R.S.
On the 25th March 2013, at aproximately 4pm I underwent Gender Reassignment Surgery at Charing Cross Hospital in London under the care of Mr James Bellringer. As far as events go, that has got to be the biggest. I'm coming up to a year post-op and I still have no regrets what so-ever. My recover was hard but I'm fully recovered now and pretty much loving life.

My G.R.C.
On March 10th 2014 my application for my Gender Recognition Certificate will go before the Gender Recognition Panel in Leicester. Getting my G.R.C. is something I've only really thought about recently and once upon a time I wasn't really that bothered about it. I'm female, I know I'm female and I don't need a piece of paper to prove that. Recently though getting my G.R.C. has gained a huge importance. Looking at my birth certificate I see the word MALE and I don't want that. I want one with FEMALE on it.

So, Magic March is my month pretty much. Hopefully, as regards to my G.R.C., this year will follow that trend. Also with the prospect of romance in the air (the psychic did say I'd meet someone) March could be even more magical than ever!

The Question That Lasted Five Years

     A friend of mine, someone I've known for nearly five years, has recently jetted off to Thailand for her GRS surgery. It's really got me thinking because looking back, when we met, did either of us ever think we'd both end up post-op. The reason I'm saying this is that when we met a question was asked.

     Basically it was July 2009. I had recently 'come out' to my parents and I'd begun seeing a councillor to discuss my gender concerns. One Thursday night I decided to visit a Nottingham based trans support group called the Nottingham Chameleons. As it was my first visit I was looked after by a T-Girl called Lynn. She was lovely and I still read her blog, Y.A.T.G.B. Anyway, another girl I met that night was perhaps the only girl who was anywhere close to my age and she was called Samantha. I can remember being struck with how convincing she looked and at first I thought she was a genetic female. Anyway, the three of us chatted and a question was asked that went along the lines of 'Will you ever go full-time and have the op?'. Lynn was a no go from what I can remember and Samantha agreed in the fact that it would be a deal-breaker as far as their respective relationships were concerned. I said that I thought I would but even I wasn't sure whether it would be possible or not.

     Fast forward nearly five years and I'm coming up to a year post-op and Samantha is in Thailand! It just goes to show that you should never say never! Although we have similar themes to our respective transitions we have different stories to tell. I went the NHS route and although it's a route that worked for me, I would've gone private had I been able to afford it. Saying that, I've had it pretty good on our National Health Service and so I shouldn't be ungrateful. I've had Gender Realignment Surgery, Breast Augmentation Surgery as well as as much support, advice and counselling as I've needed. Also, thinking about it constructively, I'm not sure that I would've been comfortable undergoing such a life changing surgery in a different continent. I got homesick in London for crying out loud! Transition isn't a one size fits all thing though and I'm not sure I could imagine Sam in the bowels of Charing Cross Hospital on F-Bay!

     I can't tell you how excited and pleased for her I am though. GRS is a truly magical and life-affirming experience. It changes you, changes how you see certain things. I would go through it all again if I had too. Saying that I'm not sure I fancy the recovery again, that was hard.

The Last One!

     Hello, me again. I know I don't post as often as I used to but I quite like this way of working my blog these days. I can remember that when I was in the midst of transition a few years ago that I'd post two or three times a week. I actually felt under pressure some times to post, as though missing a day was a sin! Now though I post when I want, or when there is actually something to post about.

     So what's been happening in my world over the past two weeks? Well I've started volunteering at the nursery at a local primary school. I used to go to Highfield Hall myself over twenty years ago and it's the school I'd most like to teach at once I qualify. I just enquired by emailing the head teacher and a few days later I'd secured a voluntary placement. Now just before Christmas I got a voluntary placement at a local special needs school and I only went once. I was perhaps a bit rash in giving up so easy but I just didn't feel like I fit in there. I couldn't really connect with the pupils there because I just couldn't relate to their disabilities. At Highfield Hall it's different. The kids are all pre-school age and I feel I have more to offer them. I've been twice now and I really enjoy it. It's fascinating working with these young kids and I honestly feel good about myself that I'm giving up my own time to do it. There is method behind it though as doing the voluntary work will give me great experience for when I apply to University later on in the year.

     As regards to my transition, I had my appointment at Nottingham G.I.C. last week. It was very productive in that he told me what I need to be aware of as I continue my life. I can still get prostate cancer for example and that's something I may need to tell doctors later on in life. I'll also need to get annual blood tests done and I need to keep an eye on my hormone levels. I've decided not to discharge myself from the G.I.C. just yet although I've not got another appointment with Dr Bouman booked. If I need to see him then I can but it'll be at my discretion. The reason I've not discharged myself fully from the care of the G.I.C. yet is that facial hair removal is part of the new guidelines and I'll need to still be with the G.I.C. to get that. Something that isn't in the new guidelines is Breast Augmentation which means that I could be one of the last trans patients to get B.A. on the NHS. I personally think that B.A. should be available as it's improved my life no end. I feel confident, less self-conscious and like a woman which is surely the aim of transition. Or at least one of the aims of transition!

Does My Future Include A GRC?

     My 2nd post today! I do have quite a lot to catch up on though having not posted since before the New Year! Life in 2014 is going ok so far. College has started back after the Christmas break and I'm working a lot too which is good. One thing did happen before Christmas which wasn't very nice in that I had my purse pinched out of my bag. To cut a very long story short, I was queuing to get into a club and someone went in behind me and swiped my purse. Luckily there was no money in it so they only had my cards, etc. It was upsetting though and it's proved to be a big head ache, what with having to cancel my bank cards and sort out my driving license etc.

     The reason I've mentioned my purse is that it's loss links in directly with the next stage of my transition! I filled out my application for a Gender Recognition Certificate (GRC) today. I've got my two medical reports and I've got my statutory declaration signed by a solicitor. I'm just in the process of gathering the evidence I'll need to prove I've been living as a woman and I need to also send in my driving license. I just need to order a replacement seeing as it was stolen along with my purse. As soon as I get the new one though I should be all set to send in my GRC application. Then it's down to the Gender Recognition Panel whether I get to legally be recognised as a female. It is a pain but it's essentially the last furlong of a very long race. Once I get my GRC and my new birth certificate with it then I'll legally be a woman. It's strange that I need a bit of paper to confirm what I already know but once I do get that piece of paper then my journey through transition will be complete.

     Yesterday I went to see a psychic. I'm quite sceptical about things like that but I do have a very open mind towards it too. I like to believe in things like an afterlife but logic dictates that there isn't one. To think that we all end up in eternity with our loved ones though is a comforting thought. The Psychic is a woman called Di and she's very good. First she started talking about my granddad and that had me sobbing. She told me that my granddad knew that I'd changed things in my life and that I was different to the person he remembered. He was proud of me though and he just wanted me to live my life and be happy. Apparently he was saying 'You're mortal, just live life!'. My granddad died before I even 'came out' to anyone and it's always eaten at me. I just wanted to know what he'd have thought about my transition and whether he'd have accepted it. I think I've gotten my answer. Di then talked about my grandma. Apparently she thought a lot about me and was proud of the way I'd supported my parents in the pub. She was looking out for me. I was still sobbing at this point. It was just the idea that my grandparents were there, it was an amazingly comforting thought. Di then went on to talk about my future. Apparently children are going to feature (possibly through my future teaching career) and I'm going to meet someone this year, possibly in September when I start my next college course. I need to start eating healthier and I need to exercise. She said lots of things and a lot of it rung true in my life. I'm still a sceptic about a lot of things but I'm more of a believer than I was.

2013 - The Year of the Surgeons Knife

     When I saw in 2013 just over a year ago I knew that the coming year would see my dream of waking up a girl come true. I'd had my Gender Reassignment Surgery date set since September 2012 and so I eagerly awaited the 25th March 2013. When it came it was an experience like no other and it changed me. The op itself was fairly straight forward and I went down to theatre at around 3:30pm. I can remember waking up in recovery thinking that I'd woken up in the middle of the op. I was surrounded by doctors and nurses and my first words were simply, 'Is it done?'. Most people claim to cry with happiness the moment they woke from surgery but that never happened with me. I was relieved that I'd woken up, relieved that it was all done but there were no tears, not then at least.

     The following week at Charing Cross Hospital in London was a truly amazing experience. At first I hated it. It was the boredom that got to me and the loneliness. I was on the ward with two other trans patients but in those first couple of days they were very ill following Colon-Vaginplastys. It wasn't until they started to get better during the later part of the week that we all began to connect and share experiences. That meant that those last 3 or 4 days in hospital were fantastic.

     Once I got discharged my recovery began and in those first few weeks it was hard. I really found dilation a struggle and the general process of recovering from a major operation was alien to me. I'm not the most active of people but I like to know that I can do things and suddenly being incapacitated was something I really struggled with.

     My second operation was my Breast Augmentation. It was never something I was expecting but when it was offered I couldn't really turn it down. I'd managed a small B Cup after 3 years on hormones and that wasn't really enough for me. After B.A. I went up to a large C Cup which is much better. The recovery from that op was a bit quicker and I'm pretty much fully recovered now.

     I had my B.A. on the 24th October which was just a day out from the 7 month anniversary of my G.R.S.! Both surgeries were hard in their own ways but I regret neither of them. I'm so much more happier now and I feel that they've benefited my life considerably.

     Some may consider G.R.S. not worthy of NHS funding and I KNOW that there are many who are against B.A. on the NHS for trans patients. In regards to G.R.S. it's no exaggeration to say that it saved my life and surely that is the purpose of the NHS. In regards to B.A. my life is so much better since and surely that is also a purpose of the NHS. I've paid my national insurance and taxes for the past fifteen years so why shouldn't I get treatment on the NHS that both saved and improved my life?!

    So, 2013, what a year, what a truly amazing year! However great it was though, 2014 promises to be just as amazing. I've set the ball rolling regarding my Gender Recognition Certificate which will give me a new birth certificate with Female on it. I've got my exams in June and I should (hopefully) be starting my Access course in September. This should coincide with the start of the application process for University in 2015! That's a scary thought. This time last year I hadn't given a second thought about going back to school and now I'm thinking about University! In fact I can actually say that I could be starting at University next year. Now that IS a scary thought!! All in all 2014 is a year full of possibility and that's my kind of year!