In my last post I mentioned about doing without padding in my bra.Well you may notice by my twitter feed that I did it today. Now, for genetic girls, these things just happen. It's all part of growing up. For transexual females, things that might seem trivial are often huge personal events. For me, wearing a bra without padding was a huge personal event. It felt kinda weird but also extremely satisfying. Just to know that it was all me felt so good. It's confirmation that the hormones are working, that they are having an effect. The thing with the padding and the breast forms when I used them was that it felt fake. It felt like a costume and I didn't like feeling like that.
That's the first big event of 2012, hopefully it won't be the last, nor the biggest. Another quite big thing happened today in that I received an email back from Derbyshire Friend. They are a LGBT service based in Derbyshire and I emailed them last week as regards to doing a bit of volunteering. They want me to call them or email them so we can arrange a meet where the volunteering opportunities can be discussed. It's something I'm really looking forward to getting involved in and I reckon it could be good for me. I'll keep you informed about it.
I've started a new blog as well. It's called TG Tips and will be mainly used for advice and tips as well as reviews on events and products. I've posted my first review tonight if you'd like to take a look. You can see TG Tips here.
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
Random Ramblings
Every now and then I'll pause for a moment and smile. Then I'll giggle and, for the briefest of moments, a tear will come to my eye. It's a strange mix of emotions that all seem to come together at the same time. It happened the other day when I realised that I'm going to be a girl, that I'm halfway to being a girl. That for me was the unobtainable dream as a child, to wake up as a girl. The thing is that sometime in the not-to-distant future I will wake up as a girl.
When I first transitioned and began living as a woman I used to get doubts. I think it's only natural to get doubts as you are changing your life completely. Well, it's not just your life your changing, it's the lives of everyone you know. To be honest though, I don't really get doubts anymore. I get moments of reality, moments when the realisation of transition hits me and they just make me smile.
I watched a scary film the other night. After I watched it I just had to look in the mirror. I think that I needed the comfort of seeing that this is really happening. I'm getting a female sillouette now with the breast growth. A big thing I've noticed in recent days is that I'm getting a female bottom and hips too. I actually like seeing my body in the mirror these days, something I never used to be able to say.
As regards to the breast growth, I measured them this morning. I'm up to a B-Cup now which I'm so happy about. It's a nice target to have reached. I've gone from an AAA-cup to a B-Cup in about 8 months so I'm really confident that I'll reach my target size of a small C-Cup. It seems that they've had a bit of a boost recently which has actually caused me to very nearly do without padding in my bra. That must surely be only a matter of time. It's good to have targets
When I first transitioned and began living as a woman I used to get doubts. I think it's only natural to get doubts as you are changing your life completely. Well, it's not just your life your changing, it's the lives of everyone you know. To be honest though, I don't really get doubts anymore. I get moments of reality, moments when the realisation of transition hits me and they just make me smile.
I watched a scary film the other night. After I watched it I just had to look in the mirror. I think that I needed the comfort of seeing that this is really happening. I'm getting a female sillouette now with the breast growth. A big thing I've noticed in recent days is that I'm getting a female bottom and hips too. I actually like seeing my body in the mirror these days, something I never used to be able to say.
As regards to the breast growth, I measured them this morning. I'm up to a B-Cup now which I'm so happy about. It's a nice target to have reached. I've gone from an AAA-cup to a B-Cup in about 8 months so I'm really confident that I'll reach my target size of a small C-Cup. It seems that they've had a bit of a boost recently which has actually caused me to very nearly do without padding in my bra. That must surely be only a matter of time. It's good to have targets
Saturday, 21 January 2012
The Night We Invaded Nottingham......Again!
Yesterday was Nottingham Invasion day. Now, unlike last time when I joined up with the group at gone midnight, this time I had the day off so could start the night at the right time. Yesterday though, I suffered from a constant headache all day. That made me very lethargic and I really couldn't be bothered with the hassle of getting ready then driving over to Nottingham. It was my mum who actually persuaded me to go in the end, so after a couple of aspirin I got ready and went out.
The drive to Nottingham isn't too bad from my house. It's literally just two roads split by a roundabout so you can't really go wrong. Despite that it's still a good 45 minute journey on a normal day. I made a point of trying to get a street parking space this time to avoid car parking charges. Luckily, just as I arrived, a car pulled out of the spot closest to the New Forresters. Time was getting on at this point, already getting towards 9ish. The night officially kicked off at 8 but I didn't mind being an hour late. I think that it's quite nice to arrive when the events in full swing. One of the reasons I actually wanted to go last night was that a lady called Sue had come up from London. She's always made nice comments on my posts on the forums and we actually met briefly at Sparkle a couple of years ago. It was also nice to catch up with people I see as genuine friends such as Samantha, Maddy and Gayna. I think that everyone will get different things from these events. For some it's a chance to unleash their feminine side while for others it's an opportunity to push the boundaries. For me, it's a chance to meet up with friends and support the transgender community.
After the New Forresters we moved onto a new venue. This was a straight club called The Oceania. Samantha had contacted them before and they were genuinely in support of the invasion. We got in at a discounted rate and I'm pretty sure that the takings went up somewhat. Me and Gayna were the first ones in and as we walked into the main room it reminded me so much of that scene from The Inbetweeners movie. The boys are coerced into going in this club. As they walk down the stairs they discuss with each other how busy it's going to be only to be met with an empty room filled with loud music. That's exactly what it was like when myself and Gayna walked in. It soon filled up though although I think that 40 odd t-girls had something to do with that. I quite liked the Oceania. I think that it's good to go to these straight venues as it gets us out there and that's the most important thing. It was while at Oceania that the most surreal scene of the night occurred. In the corner near the bar stood one of those boxing machines you see at the seaside. Basically, a punch bag hangs down and the object of the game is to hit it as hard as you can. I've sat and watched many a time as men fight to prove their strength against each other. This time though it was the turn of Maddy and a girl called Tanya Thomas. It was just really surreal watching Maddy punch this bag as hard as she could then having to repair a broken nail.
At around midnight we moved onto a gay venue, NG1 Club. Unfortunately I just missed the free entrance cut off time so had to pay £5 to get in. Once in though I had a lovely chat with Gayna. She said some lovely things about how proud she was that I've done what I've done. It actually brought a tear to my eye. Why is it that when people say wonderful things about you, the first instinct is to burst into tears! Damn hormones lol. While in NG1 a guy came over and began chatting to Tanya Thomas. He was a bit random and so Tanya escaped, something I wished I'd done. He was harmless enough, just a bit odd. I think he actually thought I was a genuine female because he seemed confused as to why I was on a trans night out. In the end I excaped citing a need for the toilet as the reason. Tip for the future, if a strange guy asks me if I'm straight say no, I'm a lesbian or that I have a boyfriend. Either would work fine.
At around 1am I had to get home because I had work this morning. I said a few quick goodbyes and walked to my car. All in all it was a very good night out and I'm extremely confident that this event has legs. It has a core group of girls (I'm one) who'll attend every time and who'll keep it going and that's important. It's also important that the trans community becomes more accessible to the public and the only way we can do that is by going to normal venues and not restricting ourselves to a certain place because it's 'safe'. We've had 2 Nottingham Invasions and I think we're already making ourselves known which is great. 55 girls attended this time coming from as far away as London and County Durham so we nearly doubled the count of the 1st invasion. Here's to the next invasion in February. 110 attendees?
After the New Forresters we moved onto a new venue. This was a straight club called The Oceania. Samantha had contacted them before and they were genuinely in support of the invasion. We got in at a discounted rate and I'm pretty sure that the takings went up somewhat. Me and Gayna were the first ones in and as we walked into the main room it reminded me so much of that scene from The Inbetweeners movie. The boys are coerced into going in this club. As they walk down the stairs they discuss with each other how busy it's going to be only to be met with an empty room filled with loud music. That's exactly what it was like when myself and Gayna walked in. It soon filled up though although I think that 40 odd t-girls had something to do with that. I quite liked the Oceania. I think that it's good to go to these straight venues as it gets us out there and that's the most important thing. It was while at Oceania that the most surreal scene of the night occurred. In the corner near the bar stood one of those boxing machines you see at the seaside. Basically, a punch bag hangs down and the object of the game is to hit it as hard as you can. I've sat and watched many a time as men fight to prove their strength against each other. This time though it was the turn of Maddy and a girl called Tanya Thomas. It was just really surreal watching Maddy punch this bag as hard as she could then having to repair a broken nail.
 |
| Me and Samantha in Oceania |
At around midnight we moved onto a gay venue, NG1 Club. Unfortunately I just missed the free entrance cut off time so had to pay £5 to get in. Once in though I had a lovely chat with Gayna. She said some lovely things about how proud she was that I've done what I've done. It actually brought a tear to my eye. Why is it that when people say wonderful things about you, the first instinct is to burst into tears! Damn hormones lol. While in NG1 a guy came over and began chatting to Tanya Thomas. He was a bit random and so Tanya escaped, something I wished I'd done. He was harmless enough, just a bit odd. I think he actually thought I was a genuine female because he seemed confused as to why I was on a trans night out. In the end I excaped citing a need for the toilet as the reason. Tip for the future, if a strange guy asks me if I'm straight say no, I'm a lesbian or that I have a boyfriend. Either would work fine.
At around 1am I had to get home because I had work this morning. I said a few quick goodbyes and walked to my car. All in all it was a very good night out and I'm extremely confident that this event has legs. It has a core group of girls (I'm one) who'll attend every time and who'll keep it going and that's important. It's also important that the trans community becomes more accessible to the public and the only way we can do that is by going to normal venues and not restricting ourselves to a certain place because it's 'safe'. We've had 2 Nottingham Invasions and I think we're already making ourselves known which is great. 55 girls attended this time coming from as far away as London and County Durham so we nearly doubled the count of the 1st invasion. Here's to the next invasion in February. 110 attendees?
Thursday, 19 January 2012
RLE, or not RLE, that is the question!
I'm a member of a couple of internet forums that deal with the transgender community. These sites have been good to me as regards to advice and making friends. One of the big topics recently has been to do with the Real Life Experience. This is a period of two years (set by the NHS) in which you have to live in the gender role you subscribe to. It's mainly so the psychiatrists know that you are serious about transitioning and that the irreversible op is the right way to go. The last thing they want to do is to create transsexuals.
Personally I 'm all for the RLE. I think it's probably got a lot to do with the fact that I've had a good one. It's gone smooth and I've not had any real problems over the past 19 months. One of the main points that got raised on this forum was that why should people need to go full-time before the op and I just thought that that was such an absurd and naive thing to say. Surely if you are transsexual then you'll start living as a woman (or as a man in F to M cases) as soon as you can. Surely you'll change your name to something that fits better as soon as you can. I couldn't, I still can't, see why anyone would even think that giving someone an irreversible operation before they live as that gender as being a good idea. Living as a woman 24/7 is so different to doing it part-time. It is such hard work that only genuine transsexuals will carry on doing it. The main thing you loose is the novelty value and that can be a tough thing to miss in your life. Also, if the op was given straight away, the waiting lists would only get longer as more and more seeked. What a lot don't realise is that the RLE gives you time to have proper counselling and psychiatric assessments. It's designed to weed out the people who don't need the op leaving a clearer path for us who do.
I'm sorry if I've waffled on for a bit but some people just infuriate me with their inability to see that the transition process is about far more than the operation.
On a lighter note I'm going out tomorrow night. A couple of my friends have started a monthly night out in Nottingham. It's a great idea as there wasn't really anything like that around here before. The first one last month was a resounding success and it looks like there'll be a good turn out tomorrow night too. It's important to support nights like this.
On another note, I've applied to Derbyshire Friend with a view to doing a bit of volunteer work. Derbyshire friend work closely with the transgender community and I'd really like to get involved, give something back. Due to my work commitments my involvement would be pretty minimalistic but every little helps doesn't it.
Personally I 'm all for the RLE. I think it's probably got a lot to do with the fact that I've had a good one. It's gone smooth and I've not had any real problems over the past 19 months. One of the main points that got raised on this forum was that why should people need to go full-time before the op and I just thought that that was such an absurd and naive thing to say. Surely if you are transsexual then you'll start living as a woman (or as a man in F to M cases) as soon as you can. Surely you'll change your name to something that fits better as soon as you can. I couldn't, I still can't, see why anyone would even think that giving someone an irreversible operation before they live as that gender as being a good idea. Living as a woman 24/7 is so different to doing it part-time. It is such hard work that only genuine transsexuals will carry on doing it. The main thing you loose is the novelty value and that can be a tough thing to miss in your life. Also, if the op was given straight away, the waiting lists would only get longer as more and more seeked. What a lot don't realise is that the RLE gives you time to have proper counselling and psychiatric assessments. It's designed to weed out the people who don't need the op leaving a clearer path for us who do.
I'm sorry if I've waffled on for a bit but some people just infuriate me with their inability to see that the transition process is about far more than the operation.
On a lighter note I'm going out tomorrow night. A couple of my friends have started a monthly night out in Nottingham. It's a great idea as there wasn't really anything like that around here before. The first one last month was a resounding success and it looks like there'll be a good turn out tomorrow night too. It's important to support nights like this.
On another note, I've applied to Derbyshire Friend with a view to doing a bit of volunteer work. Derbyshire friend work closely with the transgender community and I'd really like to get involved, give something back. Due to my work commitments my involvement would be pretty minimalistic but every little helps doesn't it.
Thursday, 12 January 2012
Laser and Implants
Yesterday I had my first laser appointment in about 4 months. To say I was ready is an understatement. At £100 a time though I just couldn't afford it over the Christmas period. The good thing now is that I should be able to get into a good rhythm of 12 weekly appointments. 2012 is the year in which I finally get sorted in all aspects of my life after all. Anyway, so I went yesterday afternoon and she blasted it. She really made up for lost time. The only bad thing (apart from the cost and immense pain) is that for a few days afterwards I get quite bad beard shadow. From what I know, I think it has something to do with the dead hairs falling out. Anyway, at the moment the shadow is quite bad. Of course it's all for the greater good.
The nurse who lasers me knew me before I transitioned and we always have a good chat about things. She sees a few trans patients and so is always asking about how my transition is going. I think that that's why I've stuck with her. I've had a few moments where I've worried that the laser may not be as effective as it possibly should be and I think that had she not been as friendly as she is I might have moved clinics. It is important that you get on with the person in control of a laser on your face though and I do get on with her.
In other news, I had my anti-androgen implant in this morning. For those not in the know, every 12 weeks I have to have a capsule implanted in my stomach lining close to my belly button. What this does is it inhibits my ability to produce testosterone which means that the hormone pills I take can have full effect. Thankfully, once I have the op then I won't need it as I won't have the equipment to produce testosterone anyway. The thing is that it hurts, alot. The needle is huge and it leaves a bit of a bruise. I actually had a bit of a chat with the doctor before he put the implant in. I've been quite lucky with the doctors as they've done everything they've been asked to. I did have a slight stumbling block when I was first required to have an implant but once that was sorted, everythings been good. He was really interested in my 'endgame' and it was quite a nice friendly chat.
The nurse who lasers me knew me before I transitioned and we always have a good chat about things. She sees a few trans patients and so is always asking about how my transition is going. I think that that's why I've stuck with her. I've had a few moments where I've worried that the laser may not be as effective as it possibly should be and I think that had she not been as friendly as she is I might have moved clinics. It is important that you get on with the person in control of a laser on your face though and I do get on with her.
In other news, I had my anti-androgen implant in this morning. For those not in the know, every 12 weeks I have to have a capsule implanted in my stomach lining close to my belly button. What this does is it inhibits my ability to produce testosterone which means that the hormone pills I take can have full effect. Thankfully, once I have the op then I won't need it as I won't have the equipment to produce testosterone anyway. The thing is that it hurts, alot. The needle is huge and it leaves a bit of a bruise. I actually had a bit of a chat with the doctor before he put the implant in. I've been quite lucky with the doctors as they've done everything they've been asked to. I did have a slight stumbling block when I was first required to have an implant but once that was sorted, everythings been good. He was really interested in my 'endgame' and it was quite a nice friendly chat.
Friday, 6 January 2012
I Can Be Girly, I Just Got Too Comfortable
Sometimes you need a bit of a wake up call in life don't you. I think we all need that thing just to get us back on track. I'm not saying that I was ever off track I was maybe just starting to drift that's all. Today I got a bit of an unexpected cash gift from my grandma. I'm getting pretty desperate for a laser blast on the facial hair so that's first on the list and I'm also going to buy some clothes. What with Christmas and everything, I've not been able to update my wardrobe for a while. Anyway, my mum asked me what I was going to spend the money on and she mentioned that maybe I needed some girly clothes. It's really made me think and from that, numerous other self issues have presented themselves. What my mum said was completely right to be totally honest. I think that I've drifted too far into the comfort zone. I tend to live in leggings with long tops and boyfriend cardigans or jumpers. I've put it down to the winter months. I do dress up a bit when I go out, on the rare occasion, but at home and work I tend to go for comfort over girly. The thing that kind of contradicts that though is that I do class myself as reasonably girly. Am I girly enough though? Because I'm transgender do I need to accentuate my girlyness? Anyway, I want to be girly so where's the problem? I think that part of it could be down to poor body image. I need to lose a bit of weight around the middle but I also want bigger breasts so I'm trying to stay curvy. I'm a very healthy size 14 and, although I wouldn't be upset should I drop to a 12, I'm actually happy at that. I do have a bit of a barrel around the mid rift though.
A big part of it is that I'm trying to dispel the image of the transsexual dressing like a teenager. Trust me, I'd love to dress like a teenager but I'm not a teenager, haven't been for 10 years. In a couple of months I'll be a 30 year old woman and although I class myself as 18, I'm not. Of course, maybe I'm just making excuses. I'm changing sex for crying out loud (or correcting a birth defect). I should dress how I want to dress, I am doing anyway. If I want to dress like an 18 year old, maybe I should.
I mentioned at the start of this post about other issues presenting themselves. The beard is a big thing. I've not been able to afford the cost of the laser for a few months now so it's becoming desperate. I'm going to get a long overdue appointment next week. I think that at the moment that is my biggest thing. If I could just get rid of any trace of facial hair things would be so much easier. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't long for the day I didn't have to shave at all. I used to have dreams where I had long hair. Now I have long hair my dreams tend to concern my facial hair. One day I'll get there I know.That's the trouble with transitioning. You tend to be a work in progress for an awfully long time. Genetic females have years to find their own identities, to work out what looks good and what doesn't. They have a childhood during which they learn about make-up and hair, how to walk and talk, how to do all the things that fit in with a female gender role. I will get to a point whereas I fit into the female gender role, it will take time though. I'm still finding my identity while struggling with a 2nd puberty. The main thing is that I will get there though.
Monday, 2 January 2012
2012, The Main Event
So here we are, 2012. This year we'll finally see the Olympics take place in London as well as be witness to another let down as England take part in Euro 2012. Personally it has the potential to be the most important year of my life. At the very least I should be seen by a surgeon for a 2nd opinion at CHX. The actual surgery may not take place until early 2013 although I'm hopping on a November date.
I'm not going to lie though, I'm extremely optimistic about this year. For me, 2011 was like the warm up act at a concert. You experience it and take what you can from it but at the end of the day, it's not what you came for. What you really want is the main event and for me the main event has been 2012, or at least I hope it's the main event. Don't get me wrong, 2011 wasn't a bad year. It was a comfortable year. I got back on the road, started the anti-androgen injections and started this 2nd edition of my blog. I think that the trouble is that 2008 thru 2010 were very busy and so 2011 has perhaps been a bit of a let down so to speak. I did say this time last year that I needed a quiet 2011 and that's exactly what I got so I can't be too disappointed. It has made me ready to shake things up a bit though.
The New Year brings with it the often broken promise that is the New Years Resolution. Every year we make these self promises in a bid to lead a better and healthier life. They give us early targets to aim for on which is a relativity clean slate. I always try and make a few resolutions and if I'm honest, I've often forgotten all about them by March. This year will be no different no doubt but I've still made a few resolutions of my own.
-I need to get fit. I'm not over weight but I am unfit and so (with the possibility of a major surgical procedure towards the end of the year) I need to get fit. This is one for the warmer summer months.
-I need to get my finances in order. They aren't bad but again (with the possibility of a major surgical procedure towards the end of the year) I need to start considering the financial implications of being off work for 3 months. I'm going to try and save as many holiday days as I can but it'll still mean being on sick pay for around 10 weeks. That'll be enough to pay my bills but I'll need to consider Christmas presents, etc.
-I need to make more time for my family. My family has been amazingly supportive and so I need to make more time for them, simple.
-Write my book. I've been writing it for a few years now. I think that I'm going to finish it with my op so hopefully this year (especially with a 12 week lay off) I should be able to get it done and dusted.
I've made one or two more resolutions but the 4 above are ones I really mean to keep. I'm going to finish with a couple of links to an article (it's in 2 parts). It makes really interesting reading regarding the various myths that surround trans-women.
13 Myths and Misconceptions About Trans Women: Part 1
13 Myths and Misconceptions About Trans Women: Part 2
So all it leaves is for me to wish you all a very Happy New Year and all the best for 2012 x x x
I'm not going to lie though, I'm extremely optimistic about this year. For me, 2011 was like the warm up act at a concert. You experience it and take what you can from it but at the end of the day, it's not what you came for. What you really want is the main event and for me the main event has been 2012, or at least I hope it's the main event. Don't get me wrong, 2011 wasn't a bad year. It was a comfortable year. I got back on the road, started the anti-androgen injections and started this 2nd edition of my blog. I think that the trouble is that 2008 thru 2010 were very busy and so 2011 has perhaps been a bit of a let down so to speak. I did say this time last year that I needed a quiet 2011 and that's exactly what I got so I can't be too disappointed. It has made me ready to shake things up a bit though.
The New Year brings with it the often broken promise that is the New Years Resolution. Every year we make these self promises in a bid to lead a better and healthier life. They give us early targets to aim for on which is a relativity clean slate. I always try and make a few resolutions and if I'm honest, I've often forgotten all about them by March. This year will be no different no doubt but I've still made a few resolutions of my own.
-I need to get fit. I'm not over weight but I am unfit and so (with the possibility of a major surgical procedure towards the end of the year) I need to get fit. This is one for the warmer summer months.
-I need to get my finances in order. They aren't bad but again (with the possibility of a major surgical procedure towards the end of the year) I need to start considering the financial implications of being off work for 3 months. I'm going to try and save as many holiday days as I can but it'll still mean being on sick pay for around 10 weeks. That'll be enough to pay my bills but I'll need to consider Christmas presents, etc.
-I need to make more time for my family. My family has been amazingly supportive and so I need to make more time for them, simple.
-Write my book. I've been writing it for a few years now. I think that I'm going to finish it with my op so hopefully this year (especially with a 12 week lay off) I should be able to get it done and dusted.
I've made one or two more resolutions but the 4 above are ones I really mean to keep. I'm going to finish with a couple of links to an article (it's in 2 parts). It makes really interesting reading regarding the various myths that surround trans-women.
13 Myths and Misconceptions About Trans Women: Part 1
13 Myths and Misconceptions About Trans Women: Part 2
So all it leaves is for me to wish you all a very Happy New Year and all the best for 2012 x x x
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