Yesterday I recieved some very bad news in that an old school friend had died. It hit me really hard, despite the fact that we hadn't seen each other in years. When I got home after work I recieved some more bad news in that another old school friend had died in a separate incident. This post is dedicated to the both of them.
Casey Bothamley 1981 -2012
I knew Casey at primary school right from the infants. We probably first met around 26 Years ago. I'll never forget her bubbly personality and her infectious smile. We sort of followed each other up into juniors before we both went to different secondary schools. It wasn't until I logged onto Facebook nearly 3 years ago that we got back in touch. She hadn't changed one bit. When I 'came out' on Facebook and began posting pictures of the female me she was one of the first to comment and we had one or two chats about it. She was so good and do supporting about it all and I will honestly never forget that.
Her sudden death came as a huge shock, mainly because she was my age. She had a heart attack at 30!! She was pregnant and leaves behind a husband and a young daughter and my heart goes out to them, it really does.
Shane Hale 1982-2012
I grew up on the same street as Shane and were in the same classes at school. We ended up going to secondary school too and he used to get up to all kinds of mischief. School wasn't a very nice experience for me for certain reasons but laughing at Shanes antics made it bearable. I can remember knocking about with him in the school holidays too. Of course, as I left home we lost touch, until the magic of Facebook. He was so good about the whole trans thing which really surprised me. I have no doubt that age had matured him although from what I've heard, he still enjoyed himself.
Both of these deaths have really hit me. One moment I'll be fine, the next I'll be in tears. I think that the shock has really affected me coupled with the fears about my own mortality. Neither Shane of Casey will have gotten up knowing it was their last day. While that is a blessing in itself, it does make you understand the fragility of life and how it can end so suddenly.
These two people were a part of my childhood. I may have not seen them for years but they were still a part of my life and contributed to the person I am today.
Saturday, 21 July 2012
Wednesday, 13 June 2012
Nothing To Be Nervous About
So, I'm on the home straight, the last stretch of highway. Yesterday I went to Nottingham GIC for a very important appointment. I saw 2 doctors, Dr Murjan and Dr Bouman. The first appointment with Dr Murjan was my 2nd recommendation appointment. To be referred for GRS (Gender Realignment Surgery) you need the recommendations of 2 separate doctors. I had my 1st recommendation from Dr Bouman now I just needed my 2nd recommendation. I was incredibly nervous which is stupid really. It is very rare for someone to be refused a 2nd recommendation. It does happen though although had it happened to me, it would have been a travesty of epic proportions. I'm pretty much experiencing a perfect transition. I'm working in a job where they are unaware of my history, I'm in a committed relationship with a guy who cares for me, my family are pretty much supportive and I pass pretty seamlessly in society. In fact it's nearly 2 years since my gender has been questioned by anyone. I was so nervous though. When she said that she was supporting my referral for GRS I instantly filled up and began shaking. It was a hugely emotional moment in my life. The wave of relief was amazing and it's a feeling that I'll never forget.
After my appointments, I celebrated in Nottingham with Jamie. We had a bit of a pub crawl and we actually had a couple of deep conversations concerning the future. They were conversations we maybe needed to have although I'm sure we'll talk about the same things in the future.
Today I'm experiencing a bit of a comedown. I feel kinda depressed when I should be the happiest girl in the world. I should be smiling yet I just want to cry. I'm on the home straight, the final hurdles await. I'm not having 2nd thoughts about it or anything, I'm do glad about yesterday. Maybe it is just a comedown effect. The emotions I experienced yesterday were so varied that some form of comedown had to be expected I guess. I'll be fine in a few days and then I can start looking forward.
In terms of what happens next, Dr Bouman will write to the 2 doctors who perform GRS in the UK. Dr Bellringer and Dr Thomas are the only doctors who perform the op and it's a bit of a lottery who you get. I'm not too bothered although London and Dr Bellringer would be better from a distance perspective. The aftercare at Brighton (Dr Thomas) is apparently superb though. Anyway, I should hear from one of them in around 4-6 months regarding a preliminary appointment. At that appointment they'll talk me through the process and give me an examination. They may recommend hair removal which I'm praying I don't need. It hurts when I get my face lasered so it's sure to be extremely painful down there. At that aointment I should get a date for surgery although this date is subject to change. At the moment there is a waiting period of 6 months so working on this timeline I should be looking at a GRS date of somewhere between April - June next year. That's being realistic and those predictions could change, hopefully for the better. It' s just a waiting game now I guess.
After my appointments, I celebrated in Nottingham with Jamie. We had a bit of a pub crawl and we actually had a couple of deep conversations concerning the future. They were conversations we maybe needed to have although I'm sure we'll talk about the same things in the future.
Today I'm experiencing a bit of a comedown. I feel kinda depressed when I should be the happiest girl in the world. I should be smiling yet I just want to cry. I'm on the home straight, the final hurdles await. I'm not having 2nd thoughts about it or anything, I'm do glad about yesterday. Maybe it is just a comedown effect. The emotions I experienced yesterday were so varied that some form of comedown had to be expected I guess. I'll be fine in a few days and then I can start looking forward.
In terms of what happens next, Dr Bouman will write to the 2 doctors who perform GRS in the UK. Dr Bellringer and Dr Thomas are the only doctors who perform the op and it's a bit of a lottery who you get. I'm not too bothered although London and Dr Bellringer would be better from a distance perspective. The aftercare at Brighton (Dr Thomas) is apparently superb though. Anyway, I should hear from one of them in around 4-6 months regarding a preliminary appointment. At that appointment they'll talk me through the process and give me an examination. They may recommend hair removal which I'm praying I don't need. It hurts when I get my face lasered so it's sure to be extremely painful down there. At that aointment I should get a date for surgery although this date is subject to change. At the moment there is a waiting period of 6 months so working on this timeline I should be looking at a GRS date of somewhere between April - June next year. That's being realistic and those predictions could change, hopefully for the better. It' s just a waiting game now I guess.
Sunday, 10 June 2012
2nd Opinion Jitters
Tomorrow is possibly the most important day of my life so far. I've had many important days in my life, especially over the past couple of years. Tomorrow is kinda different though in that it will help to shape the rest of my life. What happens tomorrow is huge in the scope of what will come from it. It is potentially the difference between life and death!
I guess that if you were to compare it to any other day in my life then it comes closest to the 20th July 2010. On that day I went to the final initial assessment appointment at Nottingham GIC. I can remember feeling so nervous at the thought that the rest of my life depended on a Doctors decision. That is what tomorrow is like, my life depending on a Doctors decision. The trouble is though that I've been that confident of a positive result that I've not really prepared for a negative result. What if they say that they aren't going to refer me for surgery? What do I do then?
I've done everything by the book, lived my life as a woman in every sense of the word. I've been successful in many areas of the transition process. I pass extremely well in that hardly anyone knows of my history. I've got stability in the way of a pretty strong relationship with a fully supporting guy. My family has been great and are ( on the whole) fully supporting. I'm happier than I've ever been, how can they not say yes to a surgical referral.
On the off chance that they do say no, my life is never going to really be able to get on track. To say that a 'no' would be disastrous is not an over exaggeration, believe me.
I guess that if you were to compare it to any other day in my life then it comes closest to the 20th July 2010. On that day I went to the final initial assessment appointment at Nottingham GIC. I can remember feeling so nervous at the thought that the rest of my life depended on a Doctors decision. That is what tomorrow is like, my life depending on a Doctors decision. The trouble is though that I've been that confident of a positive result that I've not really prepared for a negative result. What if they say that they aren't going to refer me for surgery? What do I do then?
I've done everything by the book, lived my life as a woman in every sense of the word. I've been successful in many areas of the transition process. I pass extremely well in that hardly anyone knows of my history. I've got stability in the way of a pretty strong relationship with a fully supporting guy. My family has been great and are ( on the whole) fully supporting. I'm happier than I've ever been, how can they not say yes to a surgical referral.
On the off chance that they do say no, my life is never going to really be able to get on track. To say that a 'no' would be disastrous is not an over exaggeration, believe me.
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
Two Years Full-Time
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| 7th June 2010, the day I went full-time |
It has been a huge learning curve, there is no doubt about that. Simple things such as talking, walking and even eating have come under a kind of self-scrutiny. I've had to change so many things but it has all been worth it, without a doubt. I feel more confident in myself, more sure of myself. Before, i felt like I was constantly being watched and judged.These days I feel like I blend in more and like I fit in. It's not just been about learning about myself though, I've also learned a lot about other people. The way that people see you changes as you go through transition and I've been pleasantly surprised on the whole.
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| 7th June 2012, 2 years full-time |
One of the main things I've learned I guess is that transitioning is so much more than the op. many make the mistake of believing that the op is the be all and end all, that the op is the most important thing about transitioning. These are the same people who tend to disagree with the NHS way of doing things as regards the RLE. The truth is though that transitioning is about so much more. It's about how you react to situations and about how you carry out everyday tasks. It's about how you learn to deal with life and about how you change things to fit your idea of what life should be like. Don't get me wrong, the op will complete me but there is so much more to transitioning than it.
Since I've been living as a woman full-time a lot of people have told me how brave I am. I don't feel brave though, not really. I changed things and did things my own way, regardless of the consequences, regardless of what people thought. Sure, there is some aspects of that to be admired I guess. There is an element of selfishness though as I know that most of the people who cared for me would've preferred me to stay as Paul. By the same token though, the majority of those people would like to see me alive and the reality is, that had I not pursued this way of life, I would probably not be here now. That may seem like an exaggeration but believe you me, it isn't! I have never denied the element of selfishness involved with transitioning and in my opinion, it is kinda an important thing to realise and accept. Sacrifice is another part of the transition process that it's important to accept. Although I've been lucky throughout the past 2 or 3 years, I have had to sacrifice certain things. The biggest sacrifice is the relationship I had with my brother. We hardly see each other these days and it must be over a year since I had a text from him. Bear in mind that we've had Christmas, New Year and my 30th birthday in that time! I have thought about writing him a letter but I'm not sure he'd read it. I've kind of accepted that he maybe doesn't want me in his life and that's up to him I suppose. On the other side of the coin, I've become closer to my older sister and I also feel closer to my younger sister than I was before. My relationship with my parents has changed, as I kinda knew it would. I still retain their love and support and I certainly wouldn't have been able to get through this without them.
A recent development has seen me bag myself a boyfriend. He is lovely, a really nice guy. He really thinks the world of me and having him in my life has only been a positive influence. I told him about things early on and he's accepted it. He likes me for who I am and I can't tell you how nice that is.
So, what about the future? Where do I see myself in 2 years time, or even 5 years time? I'm not entirely sure to be honest. As long as I'm happy, that's all I can really ask. One thing I kinda hope is that I'm no longer writing this blog. That may seem like an odd thing to hope for, especially considering how long I've been blogging for. The thing is that this blog has really been about documenting the most important 3-4 years of my life. It will always stay online and I hope that one day I can publish it. I do think though that there will come a time when I no longer need it and that time will come when I can finally move on in life and accept the future.
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
The Beginning Of The End? Naaaa
Hello, it's been a while I know. Well, 3 weeks actually which in blog terms is quite a long time. Is the ever increasing time between blog posts a sign of the end of this blog? It's probably just the fact that I have more things going on in my life these days, I hardly have time for much blogging.
Work wise, it's going alright. I've been at my new job for 6 weeks nearly and it's definatly different. It's nice working at a place where my gender isn't at the forefront. To them I'm a woman, plain and simple and thats great, it really is. Every now and again I do wonder whether they know. If they do then that's good too as they aren't making a big issue out of it.
Romance wise, things are also going great. I'm really enjoying spending time with Jamie and I am really falling for him. He is such a nice guy he really is. I'm on more money than he is but he still insists on buying me my lunch and the majority of the drinks. He's also brought the majority of the cinema tickets. I think that he's enjoying having someone he can spoil and treat which is kinda fine by me. I say 'kinda; because I do feel bad having him spend his money on me. I'm certainly not with him for his money.
The fact that he's fully aware of things regarding my past is also a really good thing. He is so supportive and good about it all. I've pretty much told him everything about what the next year will involve and he seems ok about it all.
I know it's early days but having this bit of romance in my life is so positive for me. I'm so happy at the moment and I really hope it works out.
In other news I have my second opinion apointment at Notts GIC in less than 2 weeks. I should have no problems with it at all. I am a bit nervous though because it is such a huge thing. If I get my second oppinon then the next stop is seeing a surgeon and things will really get moving. As I said though, it is just a formality I feel. Jamie actually offered to come along to the appointment but I told him that I'll just meet him afterwards.
On a last note, next Thursday will mark my 2 year anniversary and the end of my 2 year RLE. It has flown by it really has although I can remember thinking how long 2 years was. It has been 2 of the most secure years in my life though and I have no regrets about taking this path. I honestly think that I probably wouldn't be here today had I not taken control of my life in the way I did. I'll post a more extensive 'birthday post' next week. Until then, adios :-)
Work wise, it's going alright. I've been at my new job for 6 weeks nearly and it's definatly different. It's nice working at a place where my gender isn't at the forefront. To them I'm a woman, plain and simple and thats great, it really is. Every now and again I do wonder whether they know. If they do then that's good too as they aren't making a big issue out of it.
Romance wise, things are also going great. I'm really enjoying spending time with Jamie and I am really falling for him. He is such a nice guy he really is. I'm on more money than he is but he still insists on buying me my lunch and the majority of the drinks. He's also brought the majority of the cinema tickets. I think that he's enjoying having someone he can spoil and treat which is kinda fine by me. I say 'kinda; because I do feel bad having him spend his money on me. I'm certainly not with him for his money.
The fact that he's fully aware of things regarding my past is also a really good thing. He is so supportive and good about it all. I've pretty much told him everything about what the next year will involve and he seems ok about it all.
I know it's early days but having this bit of romance in my life is so positive for me. I'm so happy at the moment and I really hope it works out.
In other news I have my second opinion apointment at Notts GIC in less than 2 weeks. I should have no problems with it at all. I am a bit nervous though because it is such a huge thing. If I get my second oppinon then the next stop is seeing a surgeon and things will really get moving. As I said though, it is just a formality I feel. Jamie actually offered to come along to the appointment but I told him that I'll just meet him afterwards.
On a last note, next Thursday will mark my 2 year anniversary and the end of my 2 year RLE. It has flown by it really has although I can remember thinking how long 2 years was. It has been 2 of the most secure years in my life though and I have no regrets about taking this path. I honestly think that I probably wouldn't be here today had I not taken control of my life in the way I did. I'll post a more extensive 'birthday post' next week. Until then, adios :-)
Sunday, 6 May 2012
Romance, Moi?
In my last post I mentioned about a few things that have been happening in my life recently. Well, aside from the job, the past few weeks have seen a few developments on the romance front. Now, a couple of months ago I joined a dating site. I wasn't looking for a relationship as such, I just wanted to see the kind of response I got. I actually got a very good response I got chatting to a couple of guys. I swapped numbers with one of them and after a few texts we decided to meet. It was at this point that I told him about my being trans. I didn't say much, only that I was transgender. Despite this, he still seemed interested and so we met up on the 21st March.
For the 1st date we went walking near Matlock. It was a lovely day and the great thing about walking was that there was no pressure. We talked and discussed our likes and dislikes, chatted about our respective history's and got on really well. It was a really nice day.
The 2nd date came a couple of weeks later. We went out in Nottingham on a friday night. I caught the bus so I could drink and he was the perfect gentleman. He brought most of the drinks (until I insisted on buying a round) and brought me a rose from a flower seller. That was a nice touch as no one had ever brought me a flower before. It was after this that we had our first kiss and an hour or so later he walked me to the bus stop. I'm not sure what got us onto the whole trans thing but somehow I found myself telling him exactly where I was in terms of my gender. I ended up in tears as I poured my heart out about it all. I guess I was giving him a 'get out of jail free' card. I was giving him an opportunity to run if he wanted. He actually reacted really well though and said that he'd support me through it all.
The 3rd date was a cinema trip to see Titanic in 3D. Titanic is one of my favourite films of all time and it was nice seeing it with him. We held hands as we watched the film and I even shed a few tears in parts.
I need this romance in my life, I need this. It's really given me a new lease of life. It's great having someone to do things with whether its a Cinema trip or a walk in the Peaks. Obviously, it's not going to be the most straightforward of relationships due to obvious things, but it has potential. It is only early days at the moment and due to work we can only see each other once a week. We are making it work though which is the main thing.
For the 1st date we went walking near Matlock. It was a lovely day and the great thing about walking was that there was no pressure. We talked and discussed our likes and dislikes, chatted about our respective history's and got on really well. It was a really nice day.
The 2nd date came a couple of weeks later. We went out in Nottingham on a friday night. I caught the bus so I could drink and he was the perfect gentleman. He brought most of the drinks (until I insisted on buying a round) and brought me a rose from a flower seller. That was a nice touch as no one had ever brought me a flower before. It was after this that we had our first kiss and an hour or so later he walked me to the bus stop. I'm not sure what got us onto the whole trans thing but somehow I found myself telling him exactly where I was in terms of my gender. I ended up in tears as I poured my heart out about it all. I guess I was giving him a 'get out of jail free' card. I was giving him an opportunity to run if he wanted. He actually reacted really well though and said that he'd support me through it all.
The 3rd date was a cinema trip to see Titanic in 3D. Titanic is one of my favourite films of all time and it was nice seeing it with him. We held hands as we watched the film and I even shed a few tears in parts.
I need this romance in my life, I need this. It's really given me a new lease of life. It's great having someone to do things with whether its a Cinema trip or a walk in the Peaks. Obviously, it's not going to be the most straightforward of relationships due to obvious things, but it has potential. It is only early days at the moment and due to work we can only see each other once a week. We are making it work though which is the main thing.
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
Stealth Time
I've spoken a lot about the need to move on and this need has only really intensified this past few weeks. My life has changed a lot recently, in a number of different ways. I'll fill you all in shortly regarding everything that's been happening but the main one has been my new job. It has been so good to just be me, to not be Emma the transsexual and to be Emma the woman. I guess that although this new found freedom that living in stealth brings is great, it has also added a few complications to my life. I'm not naive to believe that I can stay in stealth forever and I know that someday my history will come back into focus again. I am pretty keen to keep it under wraps for a while yet though.
Of course to hide my history means to delete the Internet! I have a pretty large Internet footprint, this very Blog being a couple of toes on that footprint. The first volume of this Blog, 'Breaking Free of the Bud' offers another sizable chunk on that footprint. Then (and this is the biggest Internet signature I have) there is Facebook. I have been unbelievably open on Facebook regarding my history. I 'came out' on Facebook, have regularly posted updates regarding my transition and posted old photos. Most of my facebook friends were from the trans community. I say were, because I have since deleted that facebook account. I needed to for many reasons. Some of my workmates will have been looking for me on Facebook so to stay in stealth I needed to remove the trans element from my profile. At first I went through my profile page with a fine tooth comb, removing old posts and photos that referred to my past life. In the end though, I decided that the only way to ensure that nothing 'got through' was to delete the profile and start again. It feels good though, to start with a blank sheet. It feels right somehow. 2012 is proving to be a year for new starts for me for so many reasons. Of course, the biggest new start could occur right at the end of the year should everything go to plan.
So, if you've received a new friendship request from me then it's my new profile so please accept it. If you haven't then I am sorry, I just need to keep my Facebook page separate now. This whole facebook thing doesn't mean that I'm ashamed of who I am or that I'm completely distancing myself from the whole trans thing. Various developments will become clearer over the coming days that will hopefully shed a lot more light on why I need to go stealth a bit more.
Of course to hide my history means to delete the Internet! I have a pretty large Internet footprint, this very Blog being a couple of toes on that footprint. The first volume of this Blog, 'Breaking Free of the Bud' offers another sizable chunk on that footprint. Then (and this is the biggest Internet signature I have) there is Facebook. I have been unbelievably open on Facebook regarding my history. I 'came out' on Facebook, have regularly posted updates regarding my transition and posted old photos. Most of my facebook friends were from the trans community. I say were, because I have since deleted that facebook account. I needed to for many reasons. Some of my workmates will have been looking for me on Facebook so to stay in stealth I needed to remove the trans element from my profile. At first I went through my profile page with a fine tooth comb, removing old posts and photos that referred to my past life. In the end though, I decided that the only way to ensure that nothing 'got through' was to delete the profile and start again. It feels good though, to start with a blank sheet. It feels right somehow. 2012 is proving to be a year for new starts for me for so many reasons. Of course, the biggest new start could occur right at the end of the year should everything go to plan.
So, if you've received a new friendship request from me then it's my new profile so please accept it. If you haven't then I am sorry, I just need to keep my Facebook page separate now. This whole facebook thing doesn't mean that I'm ashamed of who I am or that I'm completely distancing myself from the whole trans thing. Various developments will become clearer over the coming days that will hopefully shed a lot more light on why I need to go stealth a bit more.
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