I always look forward to these posts. They allow me to look back over the year and I'm often amazed at how far I've come. In previous years, these reviews have been full of amazing moments such as 2009 when I 'came out' to my mum. That year culminated in me attending the works staff party as Emma and set this whole thing in motion. 2010 was the year in which I began living as Emma full-time. That year was a truly amazing one and is probably one of the most important years of my life so far. Hopefully next year will become the most important year yet as I'm scheduled to have my GRS in March!
This year has been huge in its own right. 2011 was a bit quiet in the grand scheme of things but 2012 has been as eventful as you can get. It started off like any other year. I toasted the year in, sat by myself, with a glass of champagne. Im not sure what I hoped 2012 would be like. I think I had a slight hope that by this time I'd be recovering post-op.
For the first few months I lived my life as normal. I did start online dating and that's how I met my first boyfriend. I started online dating as a sort of experiment. I wanted to dip my feet into the water, see what kind of reaction I would get. I didn't mention anything about my trans status on my profile because I kinda felt I didn't need to. I didn't think I'd ever get as far as meeting someone. Towards the middle of February I began chatting to a lad called Jamie. He was fairly local and we had a fair bit in common. Pretty soon he suggested meeting up. I put him off but pretty soon I decided to tell him so I texted him saying that I was trans. He was fine about it. I don't think that he realised, at that point, that I was Pre-op. I added him on Facebook and we met up. We went walking up near Matlock. It was a great day out and we must've walked miles. A few weeks after that we arranged to go out for a night in Nottingham. It was a wonderful night out and towards the end we kissed for the first time. It was at that point that I decided I needed to be completely open with him so, in tears as I waited for my bus home, I told him exactly where I was in my transition.
A few days later we started texting each other again and we met up. We soon grew really close and every week we would meet up and go out. We would go out in Nottingham or walking in the middle of nowhere. It was the perfect summer. We soon booked a weekend away in Blackpool for the middle of August, it was perfect. Towards the end of July though, the storm clouds began to gather and Jamie started behaving a bit funny. He would take so much to heart. Then, over the course of a weekend, we broke up. It was in the cruelest of ways, by a text message from him. In the days afterwards I cried so much. I would cry in my car on my way to work, at work whenever I was alone, in bed at night. It was awful, truly rotten. At first I was confused as he seemed so in love with me. We would make plans for the future and he was so supportive over the whole trans thing. It just didn't seem to bother him. Around the time he dumped me, he told his parents about my trans status and I fully believe that they pressurised him. Pretty quickly my feeling of loss turned to hate and I wouldn't want anything to do with him again.
The thing with Jamie was a huge part of 2012. I was in a relationship and I enjoyed it. Despite the way it ended we were good together and it was a much needed thing in my life. It has taught me one or two things though.
Since Jamie, I've gained one or two admirers in work. We have a regular called Dan. He's a lovely guy but he do enjoy a drink and when he's had a few he can come across as a bit of a prat. Off the drink though, he is the nicest guy you could meet. I know he likes me for a few reasons, none of which I'm going to divulge here. There's another regular called Rick. Apparently the other night he asked my friend Bex if I was single! Like Dan, Rick is lovely. The only thing with Rick is that he's only 22 so he's too young. There are one or two other admirers so I know that going into 2013 I might not be short of offers. None of them know about my trans status so it's kinda nice knowing that they like me as a woman, that they see me as female.
to be continued.......
Friday, 21 December 2012
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
I Was The One Who Could Do Better
14 is the section that you go to when you die in the Grailquest books.
This week has been a bit easier at work. I've gotten to grips with what it takes to be a Head Chef and the paperwork isn't so much of a shock. I've got a couple of Kitchen Porters so my work load has been cut down a bit. This week is due to be harder though. With next week being Christmas Week, my suppliers delivery dates are a bit all over the place so I'm putting in my orders tomorrow for the new year! Despite that I am enjoying it a bit more than I did at first. It's nice to have my own dishes on the menu and to be able to present them how I want.
The other week I had a phone call. I glanced at the caller id and it was Jamie, as in my ex Jamie. I'm not exactly sure why I never deleted his number, I guess I just forgot. I'm so glad that I did keep his number though because had I deleted it I'd have answered the phone. I wouldn't have known it was Jamie until I answered! I personally think that he'd been out (it was 11:00pm on a Saturday) and he'd realised how lonely he is. There's not a chance I'd get back with him but hearing his voice would've stirred the old memories back up. Just knowing that he'd called, seeing his name on the caller id, reopened some old wounds. I remembered how he treated me at the end and how he text-dumped me. For a moment I felt pity but that was quickly replaced by a certain self satisfaction When he ended it I told him that he'd regret it and I really do believe that he is. I think that he thought he could do better when he dumped me. I gave him confidence and so he thought that he could do better. The truth is that he couldn't do better, I could.
Truth be told, I'm enjoying the single life. I'm made peace with the fact that I should probably wait until after the op before I commit to anyone. That's not to say that I don't have one or two admirers. I've gotten to know a few of the regulars at work and I know that should I decide to be with someone I wouldn't be short of offers.
This week has been a bit easier at work. I've gotten to grips with what it takes to be a Head Chef and the paperwork isn't so much of a shock. I've got a couple of Kitchen Porters so my work load has been cut down a bit. This week is due to be harder though. With next week being Christmas Week, my suppliers delivery dates are a bit all over the place so I'm putting in my orders tomorrow for the new year! Despite that I am enjoying it a bit more than I did at first. It's nice to have my own dishes on the menu and to be able to present them how I want.
The other week I had a phone call. I glanced at the caller id and it was Jamie, as in my ex Jamie. I'm not exactly sure why I never deleted his number, I guess I just forgot. I'm so glad that I did keep his number though because had I deleted it I'd have answered the phone. I wouldn't have known it was Jamie until I answered! I personally think that he'd been out (it was 11:00pm on a Saturday) and he'd realised how lonely he is. There's not a chance I'd get back with him but hearing his voice would've stirred the old memories back up. Just knowing that he'd called, seeing his name on the caller id, reopened some old wounds. I remembered how he treated me at the end and how he text-dumped me. For a moment I felt pity but that was quickly replaced by a certain self satisfaction When he ended it I told him that he'd regret it and I really do believe that he is. I think that he thought he could do better when he dumped me. I gave him confidence and so he thought that he could do better. The truth is that he couldn't do better, I could.
Truth be told, I'm enjoying the single life. I'm made peace with the fact that I should probably wait until after the op before I commit to anyone. That's not to say that I don't have one or two admirers. I've gotten to know a few of the regulars at work and I know that should I decide to be with someone I wouldn't be short of offers.
Monday, 10 December 2012
Head Chef and Off Christmas Day! Are You Being Serious?!
15 is the number corresponding to The Devil in tarot cards
So, my first week as Head Chef. It's been a hard week, that's for sure. I've had to meet some reps to get the suppliers I want and I've had to employ some staff. I've revamped the menus to do the kind of food I think will sell and I've moved the kitchen around to suit how I work. It's not been the easiest of weeks, that's for sure. The biggest shock has been the mountains of paper work. Because I've revamped the menus, I've had to cost everything. Basically I have to take a dish and write down each individual ingredients. For example I've put a Burger on the new menu. I have split it into ingredients, like the mince for the Burger, the cheese, the burger bun, etc. I then have to work out how much each ingredient costs. I get the cheese in 2.4kg blocks for £10.75 and I'll put maybe 40g on a burger (approximately) so I have to work out how much that 40g of cheese costs (18p by the way). Once I've done this with each ingredient I add the totals together to come up with a total 'cost to make' figure for the dish. I then have to work out how much I need to sell the dish for to make a profit taking into account VAT and the GP I need to reach. It's really not just about writing a menu, it's all the other bits. On top of doing the costings I've had to operate a working kitchen on my own and so I was ready for my day off today, let me tell you.
Despite the hard work and stress involved with my first week, things aren't all bad. We are now closing on Christmas Day so I get only my 2nd Christmas Day off in 14 years! I can actually look forward to Christmas for a change! On Christmas Eve we are doing a free buffet so I shouldn't be too late finished on that night and we are doing a free buffet on New Years Eve too so I should be able to finish reasonable early that night. I'm planning on having a few drinks then, let me tell you. It is nice being able to look forward to the festive period for a change.
Today is Monday and so weigh in day. Last week I mentioned about losing 3.5lb to reach my first stone. Throughout the week the diet has pretty much gone out of the window. I haven't eaten lots but point counting was the last thing on my mind. I would've been happy with a pound but I'm down to that stone mark! I lost 3.5lb! That means that I've lost a stone in 4 weeks and I'm so proud of myself. I have no doubt that the stress has contributed and I am planning on enjoying myself at Christmas. If I can lose another 5lb before Christmas in 2 weeks I'll have a nice cushion to take me into the new year.
With all of what's been happening with work my mind has drifted from thoughts of my op. It's only 15 weeks away and on Friday I'll only be 100 days away from my op. It'll be nice to get down to double figures although it'll be even better to get down to single ones!
So, my first week as Head Chef. It's been a hard week, that's for sure. I've had to meet some reps to get the suppliers I want and I've had to employ some staff. I've revamped the menus to do the kind of food I think will sell and I've moved the kitchen around to suit how I work. It's not been the easiest of weeks, that's for sure. The biggest shock has been the mountains of paper work. Because I've revamped the menus, I've had to cost everything. Basically I have to take a dish and write down each individual ingredients. For example I've put a Burger on the new menu. I have split it into ingredients, like the mince for the Burger, the cheese, the burger bun, etc. I then have to work out how much each ingredient costs. I get the cheese in 2.4kg blocks for £10.75 and I'll put maybe 40g on a burger (approximately) so I have to work out how much that 40g of cheese costs (18p by the way). Once I've done this with each ingredient I add the totals together to come up with a total 'cost to make' figure for the dish. I then have to work out how much I need to sell the dish for to make a profit taking into account VAT and the GP I need to reach. It's really not just about writing a menu, it's all the other bits. On top of doing the costings I've had to operate a working kitchen on my own and so I was ready for my day off today, let me tell you.
Despite the hard work and stress involved with my first week, things aren't all bad. We are now closing on Christmas Day so I get only my 2nd Christmas Day off in 14 years! I can actually look forward to Christmas for a change! On Christmas Eve we are doing a free buffet so I shouldn't be too late finished on that night and we are doing a free buffet on New Years Eve too so I should be able to finish reasonable early that night. I'm planning on having a few drinks then, let me tell you. It is nice being able to look forward to the festive period for a change.
Today is Monday and so weigh in day. Last week I mentioned about losing 3.5lb to reach my first stone. Throughout the week the diet has pretty much gone out of the window. I haven't eaten lots but point counting was the last thing on my mind. I would've been happy with a pound but I'm down to that stone mark! I lost 3.5lb! That means that I've lost a stone in 4 weeks and I'm so proud of myself. I have no doubt that the stress has contributed and I am planning on enjoying myself at Christmas. If I can lose another 5lb before Christmas in 2 weeks I'll have a nice cushion to take me into the new year.
With all of what's been happening with work my mind has drifted from thoughts of my op. It's only 15 weeks away and on Friday I'll only be 100 days away from my op. It'll be nice to get down to double figures although it'll be even better to get down to single ones!
Monday, 3 December 2012
Squeaky Bum Time, Sink or Swim
16 is one of 'the numbers' in the television series, Lost
What a crazy week it's been, a true roller coaster of a week. Regular readers of this blog will know that in April I left my last job and started work at a newly opened restaurant/pub. It was the first job I got as Emma and was a huge step for me to take. I went in as Sous Chef and for the past 7 months I've worked hard and (as we were only a small team) we all grew close to each other. It actually became like a big family. On Wednesday I was told by my 2 bosses (a couple. He was the Head Chef and she was the landlady) that they were leaving and that the guy that owned the building was taking over. We had been quiet but October-November are quiet months in catering. It seems that they just didn't want to sink more money into the place and are actually thinking about going travelling next year. It was a huge shock though and left me in a bit of a confused state. On one hand I was devestated to see my friends go and last week was mainly spent with me in tears at various times throughout the days. On the other hand I feared for my own job and actually felt guilty at the thought that rather than get rid of me, I might be made Head Chef. To me, it felt like I was profiting from my friends misfortune. On Sunday I finally had a meeting with the owner of the building and his wife and I was made Head Chef (it'll be reviewed in January). I still feel really guilty about this but it is what I've aimed for my entire career. Every chef dreams of the day when they get to take control of their own kitchen. They dream of putting their own menus on and deciding who they want to order off. It is the pinnacle and I've got that now. I just never wanted it like this. I know that my friends are happy for me, they get to go travelling anyway. I just need to throw myself into it.
There are one or two doubts but I think that's only to be expected. December is a crazy time to become Head Chef and (in the words of Sir Alex Ferguson) it is squeaky bum time. I basically have two options, sink or swim, and I intend on staying afloat for as long as possible. I've already started putting together a few menus and I'm trying to sort out my suppliers. I have in mind a particular butcher I've had dealings with in the past who I'd like to use. It is all go at the moment and I'm really determined to establish myself in my new role.
With all of this going off I haven't been particularly good where the diets concerned. I guess other things were more important. I was fully expecting to have put weight on but I actually lost weight! I'm now 4 lb lighter than I was last week. I've lost 10.5 lb in 3 weeks which is something I'm so proud of. If I can lose 3.5 lb in this next week then that'll be a stone in 4 weeks which will be amazing. I am really happy with myself although it hasn't been easy. I've not had a glass of wine in 3 weeks, or a KFC! I just need to keep the momentum going. My aim was to get down to 11 stone by the time of my op next March and that is achievable now and will hopefully contribute to a good recovery
What a crazy week it's been, a true roller coaster of a week. Regular readers of this blog will know that in April I left my last job and started work at a newly opened restaurant/pub. It was the first job I got as Emma and was a huge step for me to take. I went in as Sous Chef and for the past 7 months I've worked hard and (as we were only a small team) we all grew close to each other. It actually became like a big family. On Wednesday I was told by my 2 bosses (a couple. He was the Head Chef and she was the landlady) that they were leaving and that the guy that owned the building was taking over. We had been quiet but October-November are quiet months in catering. It seems that they just didn't want to sink more money into the place and are actually thinking about going travelling next year. It was a huge shock though and left me in a bit of a confused state. On one hand I was devestated to see my friends go and last week was mainly spent with me in tears at various times throughout the days. On the other hand I feared for my own job and actually felt guilty at the thought that rather than get rid of me, I might be made Head Chef. To me, it felt like I was profiting from my friends misfortune. On Sunday I finally had a meeting with the owner of the building and his wife and I was made Head Chef (it'll be reviewed in January). I still feel really guilty about this but it is what I've aimed for my entire career. Every chef dreams of the day when they get to take control of their own kitchen. They dream of putting their own menus on and deciding who they want to order off. It is the pinnacle and I've got that now. I just never wanted it like this. I know that my friends are happy for me, they get to go travelling anyway. I just need to throw myself into it.
There are one or two doubts but I think that's only to be expected. December is a crazy time to become Head Chef and (in the words of Sir Alex Ferguson) it is squeaky bum time. I basically have two options, sink or swim, and I intend on staying afloat for as long as possible. I've already started putting together a few menus and I'm trying to sort out my suppliers. I have in mind a particular butcher I've had dealings with in the past who I'd like to use. It is all go at the moment and I'm really determined to establish myself in my new role.
With all of this going off I haven't been particularly good where the diets concerned. I guess other things were more important. I was fully expecting to have put weight on but I actually lost weight! I'm now 4 lb lighter than I was last week. I've lost 10.5 lb in 3 weeks which is something I'm so proud of. If I can lose 3.5 lb in this next week then that'll be a stone in 4 weeks which will be amazing. I am really happy with myself although it hasn't been easy. I've not had a glass of wine in 3 weeks, or a KFC! I just need to keep the momentum going. My aim was to get down to 11 stone by the time of my op next March and that is achievable now and will hopefully contribute to a good recovery
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
In Another Universe I'm In Recovery
The fear of the number 17 is called 'heptadecaphobia' or 'heptakaidekaphobia
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| Some Ear Rings I made. |
This week I lost 1.5 lbs and I'm kinda ok with that. I'm now down 6.5 lbs in a fortnight and I have noticed. My face looks a bit more slender and my belly appears to be shrinking. I feel slightly better too as being on this diet has caused me to be a bit more active. Its all for the greater good though as the op date creeps ever closer. It's less than 17 weeks now! In other news, I've enjoyed making some jewelry. It's really relaxing and therapeutic and I am getting quite good at it. I've even set up a store on Etsy.com to try and sell some. I'm hoping that it will help to while away the long days during my 12 week lay off from work next year. Talking about work, Christmas month starts on Saturday. In my trade (I'm a Chef for new readers) it is always the busiest time of year and so I dread it. My Christmas gets severely limited so I'm actually yearning for around 5pm on New Years Day. We close for a week then so I get a week off work. Also, once Christmas is out of the way, time will fly before my op date on the 25th March.
When I got the call from admissions at CHX in September I offered 2 dates, the one I took and the 25th November 2012. It didn't escape my notice that the 25th fell on the other day and I kinda had mixed feelings about it. Most people in my position would've taken the earlier date like a shot. Truth be told, had I been at my last job, I would've. I had my reasons for taking the later date. Financially it gives me more time to get a bit of money behind me. It gives me more time to prepare in terms of physical things I'll need. I couldn't leave my present bosses in the lurch by taking Christmas off. Despite the fact that it makes total sense to have my op in March I still couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment. I would've been whole by now, woken up to a dream come true. I would be facing the months of recovery now rather than be still 4 months away from it. I know that when March comes I'll look back at things and I know that I'll be happy that I waited.
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
The Means To The End
What a week it's been! If you read my last post then you'll be aware that last Monday I joined Weight Watchers. With my surgery looming on the horizon I've been aware that I could do with dropping a few pounds. Being a Chef though that is easier said than done. When you're surrounded by food for 12 hours a day, dieting becomes very difficult! I've been really good, watched what I've eaten. My main problem was that I tended to nibble and I have little doubt that this contributed to the 2 stone I put on in the past 7 months. When I weighed in last week I was 13st 12lb and in my first week I've dropped 5lb! I know it's only my first weigh in but I'm really chuffed and it's given me the confidence to believe that I can do this. If I can get down to 11st 7Ib by the time of the op then I'll be happy.
Tonight I read another 'final post'. These days, as some of my fellow bloggers have their ops, I seem to be reading more and more 'final posts'. They reach a point when they feel they no longer need to blog and that's great. This blogger is a lady called Lisa and we followed a similar route early on. When I first got referred to Notts GIC she was a couple of months in front of me at the same GIC. In the end she ended up going to Thailand for her op and so had it in July to coincide with her completing her RLE. In her final post she talks about her life following transition and how shes living the 'normal' life she's always dreamed of. She sees transition as a process, as a means to an end and I actually agree with her. For me, transition is this part of the journey I'm on now. It began when I went full-time and will end when I feel I'm living that normal life. Whether that's a month after surgery or 6 months after, only I can know that.
When I read a post like that it kinda upsets me. It is like saying goodbye to a friend. The thing is that once you have the op, moving on is the natural progression. I feel really happy for them but also really jealous. I want my surgery to be tomorrow, that is the top and bottom of it. I want to be living that normal life. I say that, I am living a normal life. I do everything a normal 30 year old woman would do. I have no problems at all, in fact I pass 100% of the time! Ok, there are certain things I can't do such as swim and dating has certain issues attached to it. I do live a normal life though. Truth be told, to live a normal life I don't even need the op! I guess that the fact that I do need the op only reaffirms my gender dysphoria and only goes to prove that diagnosis.
When it comes down to it I am happy for women like Lisa who get the chance to write a 'final post' as that only shows that what we go through, the sacrifices we make, the battles we fight can be worth it if we achieve our aims in life.
For me, my current aim is to continue knocking off the days. I'm now down to 125 days and when you consider that it was 180 odd when I got my date, it is going fast. Had I accepted the cancellation I was offered, I'd be less than a week away so that is playing on my mind a bit. Once I get Christmas out of the way, the time will really fly!
Tonight I read another 'final post'. These days, as some of my fellow bloggers have their ops, I seem to be reading more and more 'final posts'. They reach a point when they feel they no longer need to blog and that's great. This blogger is a lady called Lisa and we followed a similar route early on. When I first got referred to Notts GIC she was a couple of months in front of me at the same GIC. In the end she ended up going to Thailand for her op and so had it in July to coincide with her completing her RLE. In her final post she talks about her life following transition and how shes living the 'normal' life she's always dreamed of. She sees transition as a process, as a means to an end and I actually agree with her. For me, transition is this part of the journey I'm on now. It began when I went full-time and will end when I feel I'm living that normal life. Whether that's a month after surgery or 6 months after, only I can know that.
When I read a post like that it kinda upsets me. It is like saying goodbye to a friend. The thing is that once you have the op, moving on is the natural progression. I feel really happy for them but also really jealous. I want my surgery to be tomorrow, that is the top and bottom of it. I want to be living that normal life. I say that, I am living a normal life. I do everything a normal 30 year old woman would do. I have no problems at all, in fact I pass 100% of the time! Ok, there are certain things I can't do such as swim and dating has certain issues attached to it. I do live a normal life though. Truth be told, to live a normal life I don't even need the op! I guess that the fact that I do need the op only reaffirms my gender dysphoria and only goes to prove that diagnosis.
When it comes down to it I am happy for women like Lisa who get the chance to write a 'final post' as that only shows that what we go through, the sacrifices we make, the battles we fight can be worth it if we achieve our aims in life.
For me, my current aim is to continue knocking off the days. I'm now down to 125 days and when you consider that it was 180 odd when I got my date, it is going fast. Had I accepted the cancellation I was offered, I'd be less than a week away so that is playing on my mind a bit. Once I get Christmas out of the way, the time will really fly!
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
Time To Get Thin!
19 weeks to go, finally I'm into the teens! It does seem like I'm really knocking down the days. I've had a good week on the whole. My Pre-op appointments are only 98 days away so that that's good. Double figures look a lot better than triple figures!
Last week I decided I needed a hobby, well I decided that weeks ago to be honest. A part of my thinking is that I'll need as many things to keep me occupied next year as possible. Despite my need to get active NOW, I've been looking at things that I can do without moving much as I know that for the first weeks after the op I'm going to be pretty stationary. I looked at knitting, sewing, I looked at all sorts. In the end I've decided to give jewellery making a go. I've got a cheap starter kit from eBay and today I've been having a bit of a practice. I'll let you know how it goes.
With my op date sliding into view the fact that I need to lose weight has been praying on my mind a bit. I'm not fat but I could definitely do with losing a few pounds, to aid with the recovery process more than anything. I've joined weight watchers anyway, so we'll see how it goes. I'll be happy if I can drop a dress size.
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