The Next Great Adventure, The Next Big Journey!

In September I will begin another of life's great adventures when I start at University! It's both scary and exciting at the same time because on the one hand, ooer I'm starting university but on the other hand, eeekk I'm starting university! It's a similar feeling to the one I had in the months leading up to GRS. I wanted it to happen and I was excited by the whole experience but there was also something kinda dark and scary about it all.
With University, I'm scared about how I'll fit in, will I fit in? I'm scared about meeting new people but I'm also excited to be meeting new people too. I'm excited to be welcoming a whole group of strange and wonderful people into my life. I'm excited about moving to a new place, about embracing University life and trying new experiences. I'm excited about studying the course and two subjects I have a lot of passion for, those of English Literature and Creative Writing.
So, which University am I planning on attending. Bangor looks like the most promising one and I have kinda set my heart on it. It's in an absolutely gorgeous location on the North Wales coast and I've heard nothing but good things about it. It's a University that seems to be going up in the League tables and it has an extremely high student satisfaction rating. I also feel that it would be right for me, that we would be a good fit. It's only a small city which suits me because I don't like big places. I like places where I can get to a place of nature and peace within about 10 minutes and Bangor seems to fit that profile.
I've already begun a certain amount of networking in terms of chatting to current Bangor Students and I've already joined two societies on Facebook, the LGBTQ and the Feminist societies. I have an applicant open day visit in March and a few of the members of the LGBTQ group have already offered to meet up with me and show me around! One of the students who I've been chatting to is doing the same course I'll be doing in September (although he'll be a second year by then) and he's been telling me about the course and what to expect. It looks really exciting with the first year involving writing a short stories and putting together a poetry portfolio! If you hadn't guessed yet, I'm so excited!!!
I know that Bangor will be a big move for me (3 hours drive away from home) but I really think that it will be the making of me. It'll allow me to start again in some respects, to reinvent myself a little. Let's also be honest, three hours isn't that bad, especially considering I've spent twenty months of my life living in Spain!

It's Beginning To Look Alot Like Christmas

Christmas has to be my most favourite time of the year. Now it wasn't always that way. When I cooked for a living I grew to dislike Christmas enormously. It was always the busiest time of the year, a period that would begin on the last week of November and carry on through to mid January. Last year, even though I wasn't a Chef anymore, I lived in a pub so it was still busy for me. This year I get to have a really nice family Christmas at home and I couldn't be happier with that. I get to enjoy my Christmas Dinner without being sick of the sight of Turkey and I get to enjoy a glass or two of Baileys without being either too tired from work or dreading a busy boxing day behind a stove! This year, for the first time in a long time I've enjoyed the build up to Christmas like a normal person with a normal job outside the service industry. 



(Most) of the Humanities Access to HE College group on our Christmas meal

Last night I went out with my college friends for a Christmas meal. It was cheap and cheerful but it was nice. I really do feel like I amongst friends with them and I feel truly accepted. It will certainly be bittersweet when I head off to University next year. On the one hand I'll be moving to a new area and I'll begin studying a course that will give me a bright future doing something I really want to do. On the other hand, I won't be able to take any of my new friends with me. I just really hope that we keep in touch and that we can arrange to meet up every so often. I think that we've all really bonded so it would be a shame were we all never to see each other again after this year!

Morals Mean Nothing In The Face Of A Freebie

Last year I was lucky enough to have Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS) and Breast Augmentation (BA), both on the NHS. I didn't feel guilty about this which might make me seem a terrible person. Why should I drain vital NHS funds, funds that some would say are better served treating cancer and other life threatening conditions. GRS saved my life so in many ways, that particular operation was a life saving procedure. If GRS hadn't been available on the NHS then I wouldn't be here now, it's as simple as that. Now you can probably see why I feel no guilt over that particular operation. BA on the other hand, well I did feel a little bit guilty over that. Essentially it was cosmetic but, and it is a rather big but, it changed my life! It didn't save my life but it did give me confidence and it has helped with how people see me. People see a good rack on someone and they instantly think female! It's inbuilt in our minds to put breasts and female together!

Something that isn't on the NHS is Facial Feminisation Surgery (FFS) and that's fair enough. It's not something I'm desperate for to be honest because I'm not sure it's something I absolutely need. Don't get me wrong, it wouldn't do me any harm. Any procedure that makes me look more feminine can only be a good thing right? It's still not an operation I'm desperate for though. Now, if it was available on the NHS then I would have some thinking to do because then, then it might become something I needed. It's strange how the opportunity for a freebie can change someones perception. The bad thing is that as with GRS and BA, I wouldn't feel a great deal of guilt! Now, does that make me a terrible person?

Learning To Feel Accepted

(L to R)
Me, Emily and Ellen

Last night I went out on the town. I think I've mentioned briefly before about how supportive my college group is so I'm going to expand on that a little bit. Now, in school I never really fitted in and I was bullied. This kinda carried on into my working life, once I'd left school. When I did begin to fit in, when I found a niche to belong to, it wasn't how I wanted to fit in. I didn't want to be 'one of the guys', I didn't want to fit into that niche. It was a place though and somewhere to belong to so I just got on with things I guess. When I transitioned I needed a new place to fit in and it has taken me a while to find that place. I now feel like I belong in a place I want to belong to. I've found a level of acceptance that I'm happy with and that I need in my life right now. That is because of the college group. We are all so close and I genuinely feel accepted as one of them. I'm not on the sidelines, not being judged, not being taken apart like a frog in a biology class. I'm me, Emma, and they treat me with so much respect and love that I can feel myself begin to well up writing this. The thing is that we've all said the same to each other. We can not believe how much we've bonded and how much we get on.

(L to R)
Back Row: Dave, ???, Me, Jack, Jo, Josh
Front Row: Rachel, Tammie, Kelly, Paige, Katie

Last night, a few of us went into town. I wasn't drinking, due to driving, but I still had such a great time. I felt like one of them, like they genuinely wanted me there. From the outsider, this may be coming across like an emotionally charged drunken speech. I assure you that I'm as sober as a judge. It's just that I need acceptance, I need reassurance and I need to know that I would be missed were I not there. For so long, especially in social settings, I've felt like people find me an embarrassment, a trophy freak. Now I feel accepted, I feel reassured and I feel like I would be missed and that just feels so nice.

Well, I Wrote A Book....

So, I wrote a book. I managed to self-publish it on Amazon in September and I'm so proud of it! I had been wanting to write a book for years but had never got round to it. I guess that following my operation in March last year, I finally had an ending so I just thought I'd do it. It's been really well received by all who have read it so far and I am so proud of it. Yes, I know that I already said that but I thought it warranted my saying it again!
I do love writing and finishing the book only really increased that passion. I guess that it showed that there could be a fruit to my labours, that I could achieve something with my writing. It's also given me the confidence to believe in myself as a writer. I'm a good writer with a really easy to read style and I have so much to write about. I find it easier to write than speak sometimes. Anyway, you can get my book from Amazon and the link is below so why not check it out. You can get it in paperback format and also in e-book.

From The Edge... In Paperback and e-book

All Hunky Dory in Emma-World, Despite The Odd Dysphoric Cloud

This is me now!!!!

I used to post on this blog a fair old bit didn't I. Those were the days when I needed to blog, when I needed to let stuff out. It's important to keep things from getting to a stage when they can really cause problems and I always released that stuff by writing about it! It allowed me a voice without my having to actually sit down across from someone and talk about it. Talking about stuff makes it real, it makes it an actual issue and I need to know that there were no issues. I guess that it's my way of navigating through life and it works. Writing is therapy, personal therapy and it really does work. That's why I blogged while I was transitioning because I needed that therapy. By blogging, I was talking my issues out, I had an audience yet I couldn't see that audience. When you can't see an audience, can't know of their reactions, how can you be judged? I don't like being judged, don't like feeling judged either!

So, why did I suddenly decide to stop blogging. Well I didn't really. I've carried on posting to my television based blog but that's not real blogging. With this blog, I never planned a post. More often than not I would sit down in front of my laptop and just see what I churned out and that's what I always loved about blogging! It was personal and the posts were windows into how I was feeling! When I decided to stop this blog I filled the space it left behind by writing my book and since then I've not had the therapy or the outlet that writing gives me! That is why I'm going to reopen this blog, why I honestly doubt I'll ever stop blogging like this. This isn't planned, no notes have been made. This is simply me and my IPad and what ever my fingers are churning out and it's really helping me!

Why have I suddenly realised that I need to write like this, what has happened in my life for me to realise that I still need 'therapy'? Well, one word, Sociology! To cut a long story short, I'm doing an Access course at college and one of the classes is Sociology. We are currently studying Sex and Gender and certain aspects of the module are a bit too close to home. Last week we had to do a presentation explaining what a word in meant. We could choose either gender, sex, gender identity, sexuality, masculinity and femininity. I chose gender identity because it's something I know about having struggled with mine for many years. Before I carry on, I will say that my college group all know about my history and they have all been absolutely fantastic about it. I feel so accepted by them and long term readers to this blog will know how important acceptance is to me.

The day of the presentation came and I was so nervous. I opted to go first and I think I did okay. I used my own experience within the presentation and it was very well received. Once the presentation was over though, once I sat down in my seat, I just started crying. I quickly got myself back under control but I still felt incredibly emotional about it. Gender is a subject that is extremely close to me and talking about it is something I still find hard to do. It brings things back bubbling to the surface, things I thought I'd long since buried!

Today we had Sociology again and the main focus of the lesson was stereotypes between masculine and feminine. That was fine and I quite enjoyed it. Towards the end though we suddenly switched to stereotypes regarding transgender people. I felt myself start to shake and I felt my heart start to race. I suddenly felt like I was being opened up and examined and I didn't like it. I felt this bubbling sensation rise up from my feet and it swept over me and then the tears started. I could hear the discussion as it started but it sounded muffled and I realised that I just couldn't handle it. I stormed out of the class and into the corridor. I was shaking and I felt drunk. I thought I was going to collapse because I couldn't keep my balance. I somehow made it to the toilet and I locked myself in a cubicle and I just sobbed! I sobbed my eyes out! I felt judged and I felt so uncomfortable! In my life I've put myself into many situations that were uncomfortable and I've found a way to handle them. That though, I just couldn't handle it and I feel like a bit of a coward because of it. It was the old fight or flight reflex and I took the flight option. I ran because I honestly could not handle the situation I was put in! I don't walk away from things so I guess that the fact that I ran from this just shows the depth of feeling I had towards the whole thing!

A couple of other students from the class came out to make sure I was okay and the tutor apologised saying that she should've pre-warned me about the transgender part of the lesson. To be honest, I'm not sure whether a pre-warn would have made a great deal of difference. It might have at least prepared me though! 

So, where do I go from here? Do I let this get to me again or do I find a way to contol things and to battle ever on? I've got to try and find a way to fight and to keep this from getting to me. I'm not a coward! I have been experiencing a bit of a dysphoria flare up of late so perhaps that didn't help matters. Basically, even though I've transitioned, even though I am a woman in body, mind and legally, I still get times when I feel like a fraud. I feel like I'm being a fake and that I'm a freak. Whether it's down to unresolved issues, I don't know. Normally I can handle it. I paint a smile on and I get through to the rainbow beyond the clouds. It's my way and it works! Sometimes though, it is hard to pretend everything's hunky dory in EmmaWorld and all it takes is a trigger. Unfortunately, Sociology was the trigger today!

From The Edge!

On the 1st September 2014, my book will be available to download from the Amazon Kindle store. It's the story of my journey through transition, quite literally from the edge!