Single, again.

163 days ago I went on a date. We went walking in the countryside to a place near Matlock called Cromford. On this date he was charming and a real gentleman. He held the branch back to let me through a particularly overgrown part of the path. I'm not sure why I remember this part of the whole date, maybe it's because I felt like a lady at that moment. I was the woman on a date for the first time in my life and it was a defining point in my transition.

     That first date quickly turned into a relationship and for the following 160 days I was so happy. We got on so well and seemed to fit brilliantly together. We talked about our future and made plans that stretched over the next few years. We seemed solid but looks can be deceiving as I've found out this week.

     On Sunday our relationship began to unravel. I'm not entirely sure why, in fact I'm at a real loss to explain what went wrong. Jamie just changed his mind about us or at least that's what it seems like. We talked on the phone and I kinda knew the writing was on the wall. He had to decide whether he could see a future for us. For me it was simple. I loved him and I only saw him in my future. The fact that he had to make this big choice was so worrying and kinda insulting. He shouldn't have needed to make a choice, it should've been simple. If he loved me then there was no choice. On Tuesday morning I had the end of our relationship confirmed in the worst and most cowardly of ways.

     The text message said that he didn't see a future for us and so he wanted us to just be friends. I still can't understand what went wrong. Being dumped by text message was so humiliating though and is something I'll never forgive him for. After 5 months I deserved more than a text! I deserved n explanation too and I'm still waiting on a satisfactory one of those. He said that he doesn't deserve me and that I could do better but I don't see that as being a logical explanation. Everything has crossed my mind. Did he have someone else? Did my transition suddenly become real? Was he pressurised by his parents? We were happy and I'll never understand why it's over because it's such a waste.

     I cried pretty much constantly throughout Tuesday and Wednesday. I worked both of those days and I'd find myself just bursting into tears at the most random of moments. My heart has been broken and it's going to take some time to get over it. Most of my friends have called Jamie a scumbag but I still love him and I still care so much for him. He was my world and nobody else matched up. Had he proposed I'd have married him, there was no competition. I will get over it and I will date again. I'll find someone else and I'll look back on this as a good thing. My mum said that I should get back on the dating site straight away but I'm not sure I can. I'd feel guilty, as though I'd be betraying my feelings for Jamie or something, which is stupid. It's how I feel though.

     I told Jamie that I regretted the past 5 months which is far from the truth. I kinda said it in the heat of the moment. My reasoning was that had the past 5 months not happened then I wouldnt have these memories that made me cry so much. I don't regret my time with Jamie though. It was a great thing to happen to me at a big time in my life. Being with him gave me confidence and gave me something else in life. It gave me hope that I could be genuinely happy. It may be over now and ii may have had my heart broken. I will get over him though, I'm one of life's survivors.