The Light Became Real

Today I had my latest appointment at Nottingham G.I.C. I have them every 3 months and they don't half come around quickly. I was actually eager for today's appointment because I had some blood tests done in September. I've been really interested in the results of those tests. As it turns out, the results have gone missing somewhere along the line so I need to get more done after Christmas.

     Today we mainly chatted about GRS or Gender Reassignment Surgery. In June next year I'll complete the 2 year Real Life Experience required before surgery. Basically, the NHS requires a minimum of 2 years living in your new gender before surgery is carried out. Most people have trouble with this as they see it as a needless thing. They know that they are transgender so why do they need to 'prove it'? I don't see the Real Life Test as proving anything. For me, it's been about settling down as a female. I've learnt so much and had to change so many aspects of my life that the 2 years has been a perfect time frame. Don't get me wrong, if I got a call tomorrow I'd do it as soon as possible, but I certainly don't see the RLE as anything but a positive thing. I guess that I have a certain amount of youth on my side (I'm 30 in March) but that shouldn't make much difference. I'm still playing the waiting game.

     Playing the waiting game was something else we touched upon. I explained that I don't feel I can truly start living until after GRS. I certainly wouldn't feel right going into a relationship before I had the Op. It's the next big thing I guess. I've 'come out', been refereed to the G.I.C., gone full-time and started hormones. The next thing is the big one.

     One of my main concerns recently has been the backlog created by the retirement of Tim Terry. He was the surgeon who operated out of Leicester and I would have seen him for GRS. Now, all patients are being referred to Charring Cross in London and the 2 remaining NHS surgeons, Bellringer (he was on My Transsexual Summer) and Thomas. Apparently though, the backlog is being eased as the east midlands health authority has been buying up a lot of the slots reserved for patients who pay Privately. This means that the 'backlog' shouldn't be a problem and my timeline should run as follows. In June I'll get referred to Charing Cross. I should then get an appointment with Bellringer or Thomas (my choice apparently) 10-12 weeks later. This should mean that I get seen at the beginning of September. Then, if everything is ok, I'll get a slot for surgery 10-12 weeks after that. That should mean that I'll undergo GRS at the end of November/beginning of December. That is kinda a scary thought, to think that in a years time I could have a vagina and be female. It's good scary though. Of course should this be the timeline I experience then I'll also get Christmas off which will be such a shame lol. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't hoping for a November/December op. This is only an estimated timeline though and I'd be foolish to really believe that it'll happen like that. All kinds of things could postpone things so I'm trying to remain level headed about it all. At least though, I do have that light at the end of the tunnel.

Roll On The New Year...

So, December is well and truly upon us. For me, that means 3 weeks of turkey, sprouts and all other kinds of Christmas related food. I'm not going to lie, after day 4 it starts to get to be a real pain. It also means that I seem to spend a lot of time between a set of hot lamps and a stove. I may come across as a bit of scrooge around Christmas but I'm not really. I just get a little tired of it that's all. I also get tired of work. I've been on 6 day weeks for the past 5 weeks and I've been doing some pretty long days. While most of the country can look forward to a festive period at home with their families, I have to work. It really is no wonder that I always look towards this time of year with a sense of dread. I will enjoy Christmas when I get the chance. I'll drink too much wine, eat too much Chocolate and see the family. I guess that I just have to make the most of the limited time I get.

     To be honest, I tend to enjoy the new year more. I look forward to the start of a new period in my life. The new year brings about the beginning and nobody enjoys a beginning more than me. Don't get me wrong, I'll be sorry to see the back of 2011. It hasn't been the most eventful of years, not by recent standards anyway, but it's still been a year in which I can look back on with a smile.

     At the end of 2010 I said that 2011 would be all about settling down. I knew that there wouldn't be any major events and I guess that I needed a bit of a respite. 2008, 2009 and 2010 were all pretty big years in my life and so 2011 was the year of the rest. I'm really looking forward to 2012 with a lot of optimism. Lest us forget that in June 2012, I'll complete the 2 year Real Life Test required by the NHS. After that I should be referred for surgery.

     Talking about surgery, I've been thinking lately about where I want to be referred. It's between Brighton and Charing Cross in London. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to try for Charing Cross, mainly because it's closer. I also know a few girls who have gone to Charing Cross and only report good things. I've got 6 months yet so there's plenty of time to decide. I'm also going to discuss it in more detail with my doctor at the GIC. I have another appointment there on Tuesday.

Let's Shout Now That The Summers Over

So, My Transsexual Summer ended last night. I've posted a couple of times about this show and I guess that this is the overview. The show was fascinating for myself in that it is one of the first television shows that I felt was about ME. It's not often a program comes along that you can truly relate to in so many different ways. Sure we can say that Coronation Street could be about the street we live on or that we all know a Del Boy but when a show comes along that stirs up so many different things that are inherent in your own life, it's a special thing.

     It made me ask some pretty serious questions about myself. Did I really need the surgery? Do I really pass? Am I normal? It's important to question your own motives if only to reassure yourself that they are the right things to do. I now know that I do really need the surgery. I don't think it was ever really in question but I admit that I did have one or two reservations. I pass really well to those who didn't know me as a man. I'm confident that I can pass without any real problem. Of course I already knew this if only for the fact that it's been 15 months since I received any kind of negative reaction.

     The show struck a cord with me in a lot of ways in terms of relationships, insecurities, family and friends and labels. On the show there were a couple of people who were happy with being trans whereas a few just wanted to be known for the gender they presented as. On last nights show 3 of the girls went to a trans club in London. One of them, Donna, was completely at ease with her trans status and loved going to trans venues. Another of the girls, Sarah, was really uncomfortable with it and I could relate so much with her. She wanted to be known as  a girl and she saw that going to trans venues probably didn't help in that. They also spoke about relationships with a few admitting that they used trans dating websites. Sarah though was very level headed in that she didn't see the point of going with a 'tranny chaser' who liked a woman with a penis as she wouldn't have hers in 5 years time. I'm like that in that until I have the op I wouldn't feel comfortable dating.

     On last nights show they each gave a speech as to their hopes for the future and how the show had changed them. I was just quite happily watching when suddenly tears started rolling down my face. Next thing I know I was bawling my little eyes out. Since I began taking hormones I have had one or two teary moments while watching television. None like this though, none have effected me to the point of a full on crying fit. It really shocked me to be honest and even now I'm a little bit surprised by it. The reason is simple though i that the show changed me and made me think about my own future and my own hopes for it. It's made me ask deep questions and helped me to understand the answers.

     The show has had a few negative reactions on the trans forums but lets be honest, a trans documentary rarely appeals to the trans community. Despite our desire for people to understand we seem to prefer to hide our lives away and live in secret. The odds are that on a shopping trip into town you will pass more than one trans person without even knowing. I like to think that I live a pretty open life regarding my trans status. I'm open about it on Facebook, this blog is on Google and I answer any questions when asked. I do think that the emergence of Facebook and blogging websites has given us a voice but it is with the help of television shows such as My Transsexual Summer that we can start to gain a louder voice.

I Did Have Romance....Once

     Every now and then I'll find myself thinking about my old life, the life before transition. It's weird because although I know that these things happened to me, they feel like they happened to someone else. I can remember them and it's almost like I'm remembering an old film I saw. A memory that came to mind tonight was completlely random. It happened when I worked in Bakewell about 5 years ago. It concerns one of the few romantic liasons I had and a girl called Sara. She was a waitress and I'd had a thing for her for a while. She always seemed to have a boyfriend though. Well one night we exchanged a few texts and before you knew it she was asking me if I fancied her. I'd had a few to drink so I was confident and so replied yes. Next thing she's asking if we can spend the night together and I said yes. Then I had about 5 minutes to clear my room (We both lived in the hotel) of all traces of my 'other' self. We did spend the night together although nothing happened. We just kissed and cuddled. It would have gone a lot further had it not been for me stopping it. I made some excuse about it not being fair on her boyfriend (a friend and colleague of mine). Truth be told, it just didn't feel right. That's the story as regards to all of my romantic encounters.

     I hadn't thought about this for a long while. Because I've transitioned my life has been split into two parts and things in the first part are like another life. As regards to Sara, it never amounted to much. I ruined everything, much like I always did back then. I do think that sub conciously things never seemed right as regards to me and women. I tried to fit into the stereotypical bloke role in relationships but it always felt strange and as though I was being something I wasn't. I was playing a part a guess. Of course, now things have turned out the way they have, these feelings make sense but at the time it was all very confusing. I guess that that's the beauty of memories. It's important for your future to be able to make sense of your past.

My Transexual Summer, part 2

I've just watched the second episode of My Transsexual Summer C4's new documentary. This week I related to a lot more that went on and it has really made me think again. It wasn't just the male to females that I could relate to either. A lot that the female to male transsexuals said also made a lot of sense in my own life. At the end of the day we are all on the same journey. We are all striving to achieve a body that matches our mind, to feel comfortable and happy in our own skin. Saying that I'm really glad that I'm not going the other way. There's the chest surgery which leaves a scar like a shark bite and the genitals require four different operations over the course of a year! If I just go for the genital op then it's one four hour op if everything goes ok. Obviously I could have a boob job or an op on my Adams apple but I'm not sure that these are available on the NHS. Anyway, getting back on topic.

     Last episode, Karen underwent her Vaginoplasty and so this week we caught up with her as she recovered in hospital. It got a couple of the other girls talking and they spoke about not really being bothered about the surgery. Once again this got me thinking about my own surgery somewhere in the future. I am going to have it, I'm not getting second thoughts about that at all. I think it's important to think about the reasons for it though. I don't hate my current genitals, I dislike them and they are a sign that I'm between genders. They make it impossible for me to feel confident pursuing possible romantic interests also. They also make it hard to wear certain kinds of clothes. I also want to go swimming! Of all the things that I'm looking forward to once those bandages come off, being able to go to the swimming baths is surprisingly high on the list.

     This week, Sarah, the girl at the beginning of her journey told her mum about her gender issues and it brought back a lot of memories for me. Not just the coming out part but when the girls spoke about coming down the stairs in a skirt for the first time. I can still remember how terrified I was for anyone to see me dressed  for the first time. Also, one of the girls, Drew, spoke about being scared to go out. For me, it's something that I've just battled through. I live by a major rule since I began my transition in that I make a point of not letting my transition alter the way in which I live my life. If I want to go somewhere then I just do it. Sure I have reservations sometimes and there are places that I try and avoid if I can, but they are places I'd avoid anyway. As for doing things and living life, you can't let a simple thing like having a sex change put you off!

My Transsexual Life

Like most of the transgender population I settled down to watch My Transsexual Summer the other night. I've already done a review of the show on my other blog, The Telly Addict so I'm not going to review it again on this blog. I'm going to talk about how it made me feel and any after thoughts I have.

     I admit that before the program aired I had many reservations about it. I think that I'm building a bit of a life for myself these days and the last thing I needed was for a television show to ruin that. I didn't want it to sensationalize what being trans is all about. I'm normal and I wanted this show to show that being trans doesn't make you a freak and that we are human.

     Thankfully, as a whole, the show was very well done. It showed a human side and I could reconcile a lot of my own memories with those of the participants. It did make me think though. One of the main things that being trans does is it brings definition into your life. When you're not defining yourself, other people are. Because we are brought up believing that there are only 2 genders, boy and girl, we need to find where we are. Are we more girl than boy, more boy than girl or are we in the middle somewhere. One of the participants spoke about the 3rd gender and I guess that I fit myself in there somewhere. I hate defining myself because that means putting a label on myself. I'm transsexual but I certainly don't refer to myself as that, not when I can help it anyway. I don't see myself as a woman yet because the reflection in the mirror tells me otherwise. I do see myself as being female though and I guess that that is the key in defining where I am on the whole gender scale.

     The other thing the show did was to make me think about my long term goal. Every now and then I do think about the big op at the end of all this. I'm absolutely terrified about it, who wouldn't be, but I do know that it's what I need to do. It's the biggest thing I'll need to go through and so I'm bound to be nervous. Every day it get's that bit closer and although I'm scared and nervous I'm really looking forward to it.

12 or bust!

I've been a bit ill recently. Nothing to be concerned about, just a cold, albeit a quite vicious one. I think that it's the sudden cooling in the temperature that we seem to have undergone. I do seem to get colds quite easily though. It seems that I'm permanently on the lemsips at this time of year!

     Feeling ill aside, things aren't going too badly at the moment. I'm trundling through life, taking things as they come. I guess that it's all leading up to a couple of big events next year. Firstly I'm 30 in march. I was terrified at hitting 29 and now that the big 3-0 is fast approaching I'm very anxious. I know that I'll wake up on March 15th and things will still be the same. I'll be a day older than on the 14th, that's all. Being 30 does have a kind of significance though, as though it's all downhill from then on. I'm pretty sure that I'll be thinking a lot about the significance of hitting 30 over the course of the next 4 months.

     Secondly (and perhaps more important that hitting 30), next year may also be when I become all woman. I'm not naive enough to put my life on that, but I am kinda hoping it is. I'm not very superstitious but one thing that does concern me is the number 13. I do not like 13, I never have. If we get a pre-order of dishes at work and they want 13 of a particular dish, I always do 14. I try and avoid 13 wherever possible. I really don't want to have the biggest operation of my life in a year that ends in 13. Obviously, the op is the big thing here so if it comes down to having it in 2013 then I'll go along with that. That's not to say that I'll be completely comfortable with it though. Of course with recent increases in waiting times, I am expecting the late part of 2012 at the earliest.