Moving On, The Movie

In my last post I posted the 1st video in a thing I did last Saturday. Well basically I sat down in front of my camera to record a quick Vlog post. I've already done a few videos although my last one hasn't been for a while. Anyway the quick video turned into a 2 hour long recording. I really poured my heart out and in all truthfulness it's done me a lot of good. Everyone needs someone or something to talk to sometimes. I think that the advantage of talking to a camera rather than a person is that you can edit out what you don't want people to hear. I did actually make a point of being very careful with my editing. I didn't want to get rid of two much because what would have been the point of that.

     In conclusion I now feel a bit better about things. I've reached a compromise as far as the transgender thing goes, for the time being at least. I've also had a lot of positive comments on Facebook from many who I knew before I transitioned. I guess that the person I am in work and in public is different to the person I was on Saturday. I hope that the videos have educated them a bit. I think that it's important to realise the things that people going through the transition process have to experience and battle against.

     Anyway, below is the complete 'Moving On' in order.

A Compromising Clear Out

Yesterday I sat down in front of my camera. The intention was to film a short update for my you tube channel. Two hours later I stopped talking. It has done me the world of good, just to talk to something. I really needed to open my heart up and just let everything out.

     I've also come to a bit of a compromise in terms of how I see myself. I still see myself as a woman and I think that that should be expected. I've had a few comments from people on the forums (I have left but it doesn't hurt to keep a bit of an eye) and I've been upset by a few. I've wanted to be a girl for all of my life and I surely shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed because I want to be seen as one by the great British public. The community is a good thing and these support sites are a good thing if you feel you need them. Recently I've found myself even looking down on a few posters and that isn't a good thing. I think that once you start to think like that, it's time to take a time out. It's time to disappear for a while and take stock.

     I need to remove the unhealthy parts of my life, the parts that make me feel dirty. I've decided to leave the support sites for the reason I gave above (they in no way made me feel dirty). I am a member of a couple of other sites though, namely TvChix and Birchplace. I joined them when I was still a part-time dresser but nowadays they just make me feel dirty. I'd pop onto the chat rooms to see if any of my friends are there and I'd get chat requests from fifty year old men and I'd just think 'seriously? You are living in cloud cuckoo land mate!'. Of course my visits to these sites has decreased a lot and now I think that I need them out of my life.

     I've also started having a bit of a Facebook clean out. If I've removed you then I am sorry, seriously no offense. There are a lot of people whom I've never met and whom I'm likely never to meet. I'm hopping to cut my friends list by a quarter (never thought I'd ever be in a position to get rid of friends lol). I think that it's just part of moving on. It may seem like I'm getting rid of everything trans in my life and that is wrong. The compromise I mentioned is that I'm just cutting the trans part of things down a bit. I'm trimming it before it becomes overgrown, allowing the flower to blossom. There are some Facebook friends who I have no intention of deleting and I will still continue to support the East Midlands Premier Trans Night Out, Nottingham Invasion.

     On Angels I've had a few replies saying that I could still offer support and advice. My door remains open on that score. I think that these blogs should be a great source of support for some people and that these more recent posts tell of a struggle that some will no doubt experience. I really do hope though that these recent posts can be seen for what they really are about and that people can kinda see my points.

     As I mentioned at the start of this post, I've done a video. It ended up at two hours long so I'm currently editing it down to ten minute segments, the first of which is below.

Moving On

I read a blog post tonight that's really made me think. It's struck a real chord with how I've been feeling recently. It's by a lady called Lisa. She attended the Nottingham GIC and is a few months ahead of me. She says that she's heading off to Thailand in June for the op and I'll certainly be thinking of her. One thing she did focus on in her post is moving on and the future

. 'In truth the need I once had to search for answers and find my path has disappeared now I am on the right path for me.'

and...

 'Whenever I read of a friend moving on in the past I had many feelings come over me. They were of loss, confusion and also I guess a bit of jealousy that they were in fact moving forward.

Now I understand why they did move on.'

are two excerpts that I can relate to a lot. I actually commented that once we accept our past we can embrace the future. I really feel that moving on is something I need to do now and it's something that I'm ready for. That's not to say that I'm going to stop blogging, because I do still enjoy it. I do think that it's maybe a good idea to remove myself from the support forums though. In truth it's something I've been thinking of doing for a while. Certain things about them have started to annoy me and certain posters are people I maybe don't need in my life. That's not to say that they haven't been a great source of help for me. In fact I would advise any young person struggling with gender issues to log onto these sites...

The Angels Forum and
Roses Forum

Both have been so good for me and such help when I felt like the loneliest person in the world.

I guess that the straw that's broken the camels back is a poster on Angels who chose to quote parts of a recent post (Not On My Doorstep). She chose to highlight a few remarks I made about not wanting to group myself with the attendees. Looking back I think it was perhaps wrong for me to say this but it's a part of something extremely emotional that I was experiencing. She of course completely disregarded all of the other more positive parts of the post I made. She completely disregarded the comments I made regarding my deep guilt at what I was feeling and the inner turmoil I was enduring. On a support site I expect a bit more support. Of course, this latest thing was just one small flake on a vast snowball that had been rolling down a hill for sometime.

     I do hope that these recent posts haven't offended anyone and that they are seen for what they are. This blog is essentially my support. I've written so much personal stuff on this and the 1st volume of my blog. I've often written down stuff before I've even told my family. It still remains a very important part of my life and I'm sure that it'll play a very big part in my life over the coming year. I guess that this 'moving on' period is the next logical stage in 'the not so secret life of emma'.

Through The Tough Part, Plain Sailing From Now On......

This is just a quick update regarding the trans event at the hotel where I'm a chef. We had some arrive tonight, I think they paid a bit extra. They ate in the restaurant (about 30) and everything went ok. My biggest concern has been that I'd be lumped in with them rather than being seen as the woman I am. I've been really worried (to the point of sleepless nights) that the hard work I've put in in attempting to live a normal life would be ruined. As it is, it's not happened like that, not yet at least. This afternoon my head chef actually brought it up when he asked me if I found the event offensive. He wondered if I found the idea of this side of things (transvestites and cross dressers) offensive. I know what he meant and I actually told him a bit about my insecurities about it all. The truth is that I don't really have anything to worry about, although I do think that my initial concerns were justified.

     On a positive note I now think that this whole thing has been a positive experience. I'd become lazy, fixed in my ways. The voice hadn't progresssed because I'd stopped trying. I opted for comfortable clothing rather than clothes that shout about my femininity. I didn't shave my legs as often as I should. They are all small things but they all count. I'd grown comfortable living as transgender rather than delving into the female world as I need to. Being forced to answer questions about where I stand on the gender spectrum hasn't been a nice experience. It's been one of the hardest periods of my life for about 2 years. It's a period that I needed to experience though and now I've been through it I am a changed person. Now I've ditched the transgender status I was once so proud of I feel alot happier about 2012. Of course the op is looming on the horizon and I'm counting down the days. The truth is though that I now realize that I can experience 2012 and use the time I have left before the op to really focus on what being a woman is all about.

100% woman (apart from a slight birth defect)

On a recent post I wrote about the upcoming trans event at the hotel where I work. I also wrote about how it's caused me to ask myself a few questions. I guess that it's called into question my own standing on the transgender spectrum. Do I want to be seen as being trans? Do I even see myself as being trans? Once I was happy to be transgender. It made me feel a part of something and it made me feel safe. It was a name for what I was. Being transgender didn't mean I was a freak or just confused, it meant that I was normal. The trouble is though that I don't really see myself as being trans anymore. I've recently begun to refer to myself as a woman with a growth defect and in essence that's what I am. There are butch lesbians with more testosterone in them than me! I have breasts, soft skin, long hair, I feel like a woman (to quote the song). I'm increasingly feeling less trans and my problems with the trans event have only confirmed this.

     I just want to clarify that this post in no way means that I'm going to completely distance myself from all things trans. I've made some good friends within the trans community and I'm still going to remain a big supporter of Nottingham Invasion and Nottingham Chameleons. I'm also going to pursue my interest in doing volunteer work for Derbyshire Friend. I'm also still going to continue with this blog. I just think that I need to maybe think about how I'm going to do things after I've had the op. I'll be looking at having relationships in the future, do I really want him to discover my trans status via facebook? Am I being naive in believing that I could ever truly live underground so to speak. I've been in the closet before, spent 20 odd years in there, could I go back? 

     The truth is that I was in the closet before because I was hiding who I really was. Now I'm living as the person I am I wouldn't be going back in the closet. I'd just be doing what I always assumed I could never do, living a normal life. I know for a fact that once I've had the op, my blogging will decrease (at least on this blog) and that I'll seek a life in which I'm seen as a female 100%. Surely that's to be expected though, if not demanded. Surely though as well it's something to be respected.

     One thing that I've decided to do within the coming weeks is to open a new facebook account. I know many people within the trans community who have two accounts. I'll just be doing it the opposite way that's all. I'll attempt to keep this new account relitively non trans, see how it goes. I'll also take this blog off the google search engines at some point. This may of course just be a phase, be something I need to get out of my system. Maybe I need to know that I can live a 100% female life. 

     As I said though, I will still be attending and fully supporting the Nottingham Invasion, I'll just be attending as a woman rather than a pre-op transsexual. 

Razor Blades Coated In Sandpaper

When I went full-time it was essentially 8 months in planning. I'd decided around October - November 2009 to go full-time in 2010 although initially it was going to be November 2010. In the end I brought it forward to June and although it would've been better waiting (when my hair was longer and the laser had had more effect) it still remains the best thing I did. Well now I'm just 4 months off completing the RLE (Real Life Experience) rather than 9 months and thus closer to the surgery. I've actually been giving a lot f thought about surgery since he turn of the year. It's getting closer and I do tend to think alot about upcoming events. I tend to spend the year before willing them to arrive, desperate for them to hurry up and get here. With surgery it's a raft of feelings I'm experiencing. I'm looking forward to finishing work on that last day and I'm looking forward to heading to London. I'm nervous about being admitted into hospital and all the pre tests they do. Apparently they 'clean out' the colon prior to surgery and I can't say I'm looking forward to that! I do have a good idea what to expect. A facebook friend had her surgery before Christmas and she wrote a Hospital diary about her time at Charring Cross when she had the op. I'm also following her recovery extremely closely.

     One of the main things I need to consider is which surgeon. There are now two who operate out of Charring Cross, Mr Bellringer and Mr Thomas. Mr Bellringer performed Karen's surgery on the Channel 4 documentary series 'Mr Transsexual Summer'. They both have different attributes and different pros. Mr Bellringer does more procedures while Mr Thomas has more consistent results. I actually spent time looking at the internet sites, doing a bit of research. I think that I'm leaning towards Mr Bellringer as I know of a few who've had him and he does seem nice. I don't really need to make a choice until June so I've got plenty of time. If anyone has any advice please let me know.

     On Mr Bellringers web page I found a few documents that you can download. One was a patients view of surgery and will come in useful to me. There were parts of it though that made it sound like you were being executed though. Example....


You will also be given a hospital gown to wear.
Sometime around 11.00am, change into gown and stockings and remove your jewellery,
cosmetics (including nail polish) and your knickers. Hand over your valuables (jewellery,
cash, mobile phones etc) to the nursing staff for safekeeping


It reminded me of a book I once read about the hangman, Albert Pierrepoint lol. In all seriousness though, the document has some really interesting tips in though such as this one.


When you come round on the ward, you will be very thirsty. Don’t gulp down lots of
water (like I did) – you will only see it reappear through the same orifice very shortly
afterwards. This is due to the level of dehydration in your gut and also perhaps to the
morphine’s natural ability to induce nausea. Instead, take small sips at intervals, to slowly
rehydrate.
After several hours, you may be able to take larger sips, or even small gulps. At this
stage, you might also be able to try eating. Take a Jaffa cake (or whatever else you
brought in) and have a small bite. If you are able to keep it down, then try eating a some
more.

and this one...


When sitting on the edge of the bed, do so on the side with the catheter bag. This
will avoid the embarrassment (not to mention pain) of pulling your catheter out. For
the same reason pick up the urine bag when walking.


All lovely stuff I know. The thing about documents like this one though is that they don't gloss over everything, they tell you it like it is. This one is actually quite frightening in places. (Removing the catheter is a short, very sharp pain, a bit like razor blades coated in sandpaper being pulled out) Reading it though only makes me more excited and that is more confirmation (if any were needed) that this is the right path for me. It's confirmation that I'm on the right path.

Not On My Doorstep

*** THE FOLLOWING POST MAY OFFEND CERTAIN MEMBERS OF THE TRANS COMMUNITY. IN NO WAY IS THIS INTENTIONAL OR MALICIOUS.***

Next weekend and the hotel I'm a chef at will be welcoming a big trans event. Each year The Northern Concord hold a big weekend called 'Le Big En Weekend' and this year they've chosen the Ringwood Hall Hotel in Chesterfield as their venue. Now for me this poses a few points to give serious thought to. I'm not going to lie, I've had to ask some pretty big questions of myself recently. You see, for the past 2 years I've worked hard to educate my work mates. I've shown them that being transgender doesn't necessarily mean that you wear dodgy make-up and big wigs. Since I went full-time in June 2010 I've really worked at living a normal life and I'm pretty much there. People see me as a female with most of my fellow workers struggling to remember a time before I lived as a woman. Although I'm very open about my trans status I'm living a life in which this is very rarely brought up or mentioned. Having a huge event like this (156 attending) where I work means that the trans thing is going to be brought back to my door and I'm actually quite concerned by this.

     I have a lot of trans friends but I'm pretty much off scene now. I attend the Nottingham Invasion every month (link at the top of the page) but that's not because it's a trans event. I go to see friends, that's the main reason. It's a similar thing when I go to Nottingham Chameleons (a trans social group based in Nottingham). The fact that it's a trans group doesn't really enter my mind. Again I attend to see friends. Why is it though that I'm really dreading this thing next weekend? I'm transgender and as such should be supporting things like this. I should be pleased that the management where I work are being so supportive of the trans community. Am I being a bit premature in believing that this one weekend will destroy 2 years of work? Am I even being naive?

     The truth is that I should trust my colleagues at work to see the way I live my life and that I am different to the people they'll encounter next weekend. I feel really rubbish for feeling the way I feel about it all. I feel like I'm distancing myself from the whole trans thing or at least I feel that's how I'm coming across. That really couldn't be further from the truth. I'm really keen to do some work in supporting the trans community and my volunteer offer to Derbyshire Friend should prove this. Most of my friends are from within the trans community for gods sake! I just don't want the people I work with to see me as 'one of them'. I don't want them to be saying that 'Emma's lots here.' I want them to see me as a woman, as a normal woman, not a tranny. I feel so guilty for wanting that, so guilty for wanting to distance myself from the whole thing.

     The truth of the matter though is that I shouldn't feel guilty about a thing, not really. Is it wrong to want to be accepted? Is it wrong wanting to be seen as normal, as a woman? Is it wrong wanting to keep that side of my life separate? I will feel guilty and I will carry on turning it all over in my mind right until it's over because that's the kind of person I am.

     Of course, all of these thoughts and feelings I'm going through might not matter. This could be a good thing, a chance for me to really educate them. They could see the way I live and see that there is a clear line between transsexual and transvestite. I know that most of the people at the weekend will be serious about how they present and dress. I know that some of them will be convincing. I know that they could all give such a good account of the trans community. The trouble is that since I began transitioning and began taking hormones and living my life as a normal twenty-something female I recognise that there is a definite gap between being transvestite and being transsexual. The gap doesn't appear to be there at first but it kinda opens up when you get further into your transition and I guess that that's where a lot of my current insecurities are coming from. At the moment, I'll be so glad when it's over and this thing disappears from my doorstep, I really will.