Not On My Doorstep

*** THE FOLLOWING POST MAY OFFEND CERTAIN MEMBERS OF THE TRANS COMMUNITY. IN NO WAY IS THIS INTENTIONAL OR MALICIOUS.***

Next weekend and the hotel I'm a chef at will be welcoming a big trans event. Each year The Northern Concord hold a big weekend called 'Le Big En Weekend' and this year they've chosen the Ringwood Hall Hotel in Chesterfield as their venue. Now for me this poses a few points to give serious thought to. I'm not going to lie, I've had to ask some pretty big questions of myself recently. You see, for the past 2 years I've worked hard to educate my work mates. I've shown them that being transgender doesn't necessarily mean that you wear dodgy make-up and big wigs. Since I went full-time in June 2010 I've really worked at living a normal life and I'm pretty much there. People see me as a female with most of my fellow workers struggling to remember a time before I lived as a woman. Although I'm very open about my trans status I'm living a life in which this is very rarely brought up or mentioned. Having a huge event like this (156 attending) where I work means that the trans thing is going to be brought back to my door and I'm actually quite concerned by this.

     I have a lot of trans friends but I'm pretty much off scene now. I attend the Nottingham Invasion every month (link at the top of the page) but that's not because it's a trans event. I go to see friends, that's the main reason. It's a similar thing when I go to Nottingham Chameleons (a trans social group based in Nottingham). The fact that it's a trans group doesn't really enter my mind. Again I attend to see friends. Why is it though that I'm really dreading this thing next weekend? I'm transgender and as such should be supporting things like this. I should be pleased that the management where I work are being so supportive of the trans community. Am I being a bit premature in believing that this one weekend will destroy 2 years of work? Am I even being naive?

     The truth is that I should trust my colleagues at work to see the way I live my life and that I am different to the people they'll encounter next weekend. I feel really rubbish for feeling the way I feel about it all. I feel like I'm distancing myself from the whole trans thing or at least I feel that's how I'm coming across. That really couldn't be further from the truth. I'm really keen to do some work in supporting the trans community and my volunteer offer to Derbyshire Friend should prove this. Most of my friends are from within the trans community for gods sake! I just don't want the people I work with to see me as 'one of them'. I don't want them to be saying that 'Emma's lots here.' I want them to see me as a woman, as a normal woman, not a tranny. I feel so guilty for wanting that, so guilty for wanting to distance myself from the whole thing.

     The truth of the matter though is that I shouldn't feel guilty about a thing, not really. Is it wrong to want to be accepted? Is it wrong wanting to be seen as normal, as a woman? Is it wrong wanting to keep that side of my life separate? I will feel guilty and I will carry on turning it all over in my mind right until it's over because that's the kind of person I am.

     Of course, all of these thoughts and feelings I'm going through might not matter. This could be a good thing, a chance for me to really educate them. They could see the way I live and see that there is a clear line between transsexual and transvestite. I know that most of the people at the weekend will be serious about how they present and dress. I know that some of them will be convincing. I know that they could all give such a good account of the trans community. The trouble is that since I began transitioning and began taking hormones and living my life as a normal twenty-something female I recognise that there is a definite gap between being transvestite and being transsexual. The gap doesn't appear to be there at first but it kinda opens up when you get further into your transition and I guess that that's where a lot of my current insecurities are coming from. At the moment, I'll be so glad when it's over and this thing disappears from my doorstep, I really will.