My Coming Out Journey

Today is National Coming Out day so I hear. I'm pretty sure that I'm out to everyone by now or at least I hope I am. Coming Out was not an easy thing for me to do but it was absolutely necessary if I wanted to live this life. It's so strange to think that there was a time when nobody knew. It is such an alien thought to me now. On 'Breaking Free' I made three posts that stand out to me as regards to coming out. They each represent me making bigger steps out of that closet.

     The first post is the one I wrote after telling my mum about my gender issues.

Saturday 25^th April 2009 1:54am

It's all about the baby steps - Telling My Mum

''I'm Transgender ''. Two words that I've said to myself a thousand times over the last 8 or 9 years. Saying them to your mum is much harder than saying them to yourself, as I discovered tonight. It must've taken me ten minutes to finally spit them out. Ten minutes which started with '' I have something big to tell you '', then a lot of mumbling and finishing with ''I'm Transgender''. It has to be one of the hardest things I've ever said to anyone in my life. It's been a long 9 days since I was stood behind that door at the rembrandt annex, scared of stepping out into the street. And now, I was sat in the living room nearly in tears as I told my mother about my trans feelings and thoughts. I did actually cry when I told her of my dark times just before christmas. Before I told her, I had run through the various scenarios repeatably in my head. I had imagined her disowning me, telling me it was just a phase, refusing to accept it, all bad. Stupid really as my mother is very open-minded. She was really good about it and I feel stupid for even believing that she would disown me. She started asking questions such as .....Did I have a wig (she was quite suprised when I told her that I had 3), Where did I buy my clothes (She said I was brave when I said that I shopped on the highstreet), How did I hide my beard shadow, What did I do about clothing sizes. I answered honestly and told her a bit about my two trips to Canal Street. I also told her about the Northern Angels and Northern Concord. All in all it was a pleasent suprise. She told me that she'd also known I was different and that it was okay and a perfectly normal thing. After telling her I began to feel a strange sensation. It was as though a weight had been lifted. I had always wondered what it would be like to tell my mum and now I knew. I also feel that bit more accepting of who I am. My world has brightened up a bit too and life should be a bit more different from now on. I'm not going to start dressing infront of my mum just yet (my father doesn't know) but I've now overcome an obstical. Should I decide on GRS in the future I also know that I've got my mothers support and hopefully one day I'll have my fathers. It's all about taking it slow at the moment though. One thing I've learned from being a T-Girl is that nothing happens over night and you cannot rush things. It's all about the baby steps.

     Things got harder after that but eventually they got better to the stage that I'm going through my transition with both parents full support.

     The second post was when my boss at work told me that he knew. This was the first time that I knew that anyone outside the family knew about my gender issues. It paved the way for my full coming out.

Monday 7^th September 2009 12:20am

A World Exclusive!!!!

Well, what a night!! At the end of my shift in work my head chef took me to one side. He said that he wasn't sure how to approach this and that he would just come out with it. I thought I was getting sacked, or at least a warning. I don't know why, I mean I do work hard, but when your boss takes you 'outside' for a chat it normally only means one thing. But I'm still in a job. So what happened? What is this 'WORLD EXCULSIVE'? Well I'm going to tell you. He asked me about 'The Secret Life Of Emma'. Now when he said that, it was as though a meteorite had flown across the sky and hit me square in the chest. It was the very last thing I was expecting. Then followed a conversation that I had not been expecting to have for at least a year. A couple of months ago a workmate got murdered so I mentioned her by name in a post. My head chef googled her and my blog came up in the search engine. The lady that died has a sister called Emma and so my head chef thought that it was her blog so he clicked on it. And then my blog popped up and the cat was out of the bag. So what made him approach me after 2 months of knowing? Well on friday night I had a bit of 'Emma' time and on Saturday I went into work with a bit of foundation still on. I had completely missed it but it couldn't have been much to be fair. But anyway the breakfast chef clocked it and mentioned it to my head chef who said that it couldn't be. So tonight he approached me to warn me a little bit that other people were suspicious. I have the utmost respect for him anyway as he has worked himself up from trainee to head chef, but after tonight that respect is increased ten-fold. He told me that I always have a job and that if other people in work have a problem then they have him to answer to. He also said that should I go full time then I could expect his support and my job would be safe. He also mentioned that I always have a job with him. It feels really strange to be fair. I did suspect that he may have known a few months ago when in work he mentioned an old school friend who he'd just got back in touch with. This mate was transitioning and my head chef started going on about how he didn't have a problem with it and that this mate was still the same person. I am now convinced that this mate doesn't exist and that he was hinting at me. I had my suspicions at the time but now I am convinced. To be honest I can't believe that I am writting this post, I really can't. He was so sympathetic to my situation and the fact that he is a year younger than me makes his acceptance that bit more unbelievable some-how. God, to think that 4 months ago no one knew, now every sod knows lol. All I need now is for it to be a segment on The One Show lol. To be honest though, the carefullness I had prided myself on over the years has gone out of the window the last 4 or 5 months. It was only a matter of time before my Transgender and work lives collided. 

     The final post is the one I wrote when I came out to everyone on Facebook with a status report. I had been planning it for a few days and had written one or two cryptic status reports hinting at a big reveal. In 4 days time I'll actually be marking the 2 year anniversary of my final coming out. 

Sunday 18^th October 2009 11:38pm

A Bigger World Exclusive Than Last Time!!!

What a weekend!! I am now out of the closet. And I mean all the way out, with the closet booked for a date with Mr Bonfire. Basically all last week I had been having thoughts about telling the world about Emma. I had decided that I would use my Facebook page to do so. So I started posting little teasers for my Status Reports. Remarks like 'Watch This Space' and 'Hope You're Watching This Space' were frequent. Then on Friday night I posted the following report...

Paul Jewkes has something to say. For 20 years he's been hiding away and denying who he is. Living a life which he has not really been happy living. This state of mind has caused him to think seriously about suicide on a number of occasions. Things came to a head after a recent car accident in which Paul wished he had perished due to the complexities and general unhappiness inherent in his everyday life. You see Paul is infact Transgendered and has been all of his life. He is very open about it when asked, and understands that people will all have their own opinions. All he asks for is the respect that he has earned after 20 odd years of fear, confusion and self loathing.P.S. Told you to watch this space lol.

And that was that, the cat was out of the bag. The fact that most of my workmates are also facebook friends means that things are truly out in the open. Saturday in work was strange. Mainly due to the fact of how low I felt. I was happy to be out but by being out, I felt like I had lost something. The one thing that had been mine was in the open.Today I feel a lot better about it. The freedom that I have gained through being 'out' will take a lot of getting used to, that I'm sure about. I have gained this power, and to be honest I'm not exactly sure how to handle it yet.Last night I posted another status report with a link. I want people to understand and not be confused about what being Transgender means. So I began another Blog and wrote a post about why I'm me. I will be adding to that Blog now and again so feel free to follow it. This blog will continue being my main posting station though.<br /><br /><a href="http://the-me-you-never-knew.blogspot.com/">http://the-me-you-never-knew.blogspot.com/</a><br /><br />I have had one or two messages of support, one from a mate tonight. He sent a message on Facebook and said that he'd known for months. Makes me wonder who else knew. Im expecting a lot of questions over the next couple of months, once the news filters around work. I think that I'm ready for them. Only time will tell.

So there you have it, my own coming out journey. Of course, things were a bit more complex than these three posts can tell but I think the end result is still the same. I'm a lot happier being out and had I not come out then I'd still be secretly dressing. I'd still be living as a man and above all I'd still be deeply unhappy.