It's Not Gonna Be Pretty, Not At First Anyway

     When I got my date for the op I made a decision to post on this blog once a week, on the Monday. I thought it would be cool to start each post by mentioning how many weeks it was until the big day. The trouble is that I've got so much going around in my head that it's proved impossible for me to wait until next Monday to post. This Blog has always been a sounding board for myself. It's been a way for me to let stuff out, settle my mind. It has evolved into more than that over the years, but first and foremost it's an ear for me. So here I am, posting again :-)

     When me and Sam get together we talk about the little victories. These are really important when you first start transitioning but as you find your feet and your new life becomes the norm, the little victories become rarer. This isn't a bad thing, it's proof that you've successfully transitioned. Yesterday I had a little victory. Me and my dad went shopping. It was just for groceries at Asda but afterwards we popped over the road for a quick drink. I do enjoy a good relationship with my Dad these days. It was so hard for him when I first 'came out' and when I first went full-time. It still is hard for him sometimes. We do enjoy a really good relationship though. Yesterday was the first time I felt we had reached a point we were at before I 'came out' though. We sat in the pub with our drinks and talked about stuff, normal stuff like the telly and James Bond. It was so nice and it did feel like we had gone back 5 years. 

     I've been on a bit of a research binge lately. It reminds me so much of a period in my life around 9 years ago. I had just gotten access to the Internet with the purchase of a laptop. This coincided with my leaving home and so I'd really begun to explore my gender and who I was. I used to spend hours scouring the Internet trying to figure out things, trying to find other people like me. Now, I'm doing the same thing again only now it's for info about the op and about the recovery. It has certainly been eye opening. Its gotten me more nervous about the whole thing really. I've heard stories about infection and about corrective procedures. I've heard more bad stories than good ones if I'm going to be honest. I've heard how painful dilation can be, how tired even the shortest walk makes you. I've heard about sleepless nights and about aches and pains. I've also heard about how good it gets and about the joy at wearing underwear that fits. I've heard about bikini shopping and about trips to the swimming baths. I've heard about how free you become. I'm going to be nervous and I'm going to be anxious. I've got another 5 months of those feelings ahead of me. Ultimately this is a huge surgical procedure I've got coming and I honestly can not wait to be healed. It will just take a lot of time, a lot of patience and a certain amount of pain.