Juliet And Me: Part 1

On the 2nd June 2010 Juliet Jacques began writing a series of columns for The Guardian newspaper. These articles have charted her transition (in much the same way that this blog has charted mine) and I've found them particularly fascinating. I can relate to them and to her journey. She's currently recovering after having her surgery a couple of months ago. I thought it might be a cool idea to 'review' her articles on this blog and compare her experiences with my own.

     I'm going to start at the beginning and her first article entitled 'A Transgender Journey: Part 1'. You can read the article HERE, it really is worth a look.

     'I decided my name should be Juliet when I was 10. It took a further 17 years to let it rise from the back of my mind, where I had swiftly buried it, and become my identity'

I had a few names in mind when I first began exploring my feminine side. Jennifer was one I used for a while as was Victoria. Emma had been a name I first used and in the end it's the name I stuck with. I always liked it for some reason. I think it might come from a girl I used to really like many years ago, when I was still young. My family think it comes from Baby Spice (I used to be a mad Spice Girls fan) and maybe sub consciously that did play a part. 

 'I knew I was "different" as a child. My first indication of how came at primary school, when a friend said: "We've got to make you more masculine."'

I knew I was different from a very young age and like Juliet, I didn't know how. I knew I wanted to be a girl but, for a time at least, I thought that that was how all boys felt. Who wouldn't want to wear pretty dresses and have long hair?

 'I didn't consider myself predominantly masculine or feminine: I liked violent toys (particularly Transformers - the irony had not yet become apparent) AND fluffy kittens.'

I loved my action figures as a child. I had He-Man then I had the Ninja Turtle figures. I even had some wrestling figures. By the same token, I loved playing with my sisters barbie and cindy dolls. 

'Putting on a dress, I was floored by a surge of energy. Momentarily, I felt completely at ease: then total confusion. Why was I turned on? Was I a "transvestite"? Did I want a "sex change"? Then fear: what if my family caught me? What if my classmates found out? Nobody must ever know, I told myself, cross-dressing behind closed curtains, panicking when my parents' car pulled up the drive before I'd covered my tracks.'

I can relate to this paragraph so much. The first time I consciously dressed in girls clothes I felt free, I felt kind of liberated. I felt confusion because it felt so right and if anything it compounded my own confusions over my gender. I'll admit that I didn't know what a transvestite was at this stage. The only reference I had to people cross-dressing were the likes of Lily Savage and Dame Edna and I certainly didn't classify myself in that group. I did feel turned on a little though, but then again I was a teenage boy and my hormones were raging. 

'The Internet was a godsend: at last, I found men who dressed as, or had become, women.' 

I can remember when I first gained access to the Internet. I was a little slow in joining the Internet revolution and didn't get my first lap top until I was 21. I had left home at this point and moved up to Widnes for work. I had begun to explore my gender issues more and the Internet only helped in this. It helped me understand many things although at this point I refused to believe that I would ever transition. That was what other people did.

'Instead, I finally admitted to myself that I must fit somewhere on the daunting, ill-defined CD/TV/TS spectrum. But where?'

At first I classed myself as a transvestite, then (because I hated the term transvestite) I classed myself as T-Girl. I thought that I was simply content with dressing behind closed doors and I was for a while. It fitted in with my life. By day I was a man and I liked doing manly things. I like a pint of bitter and I liked talking about man things. By night, when I was alone, I was Emma and I liked a glass of wine with a chick flick. It worked for me but then it became harder and harder to wipe that make-up off at the end of the night and eventually I realised I was something more.