I'll Try Not To Poke My Eye Out!

     So, 21 weeks.... you know the rest of this sentence by now. Time is going so quickly isn't it? I've always found that October and November go fast. It's as though time itself gets bored of the year so tries to wind it up as quickly as possible. I will be sorry to see the end of 2012 but I'm also really looking forward to 2013 for obvious reasons. On the whole 2012 has been a good year. I can remember thinking this time last year. I honestly thought that I'd be having the op this year. Had circumstances been different I'd have accepted that cancellation in November and 2012 would have possibly been the biggest and most important year of my life. In December I'll do my usual thing and do abit of a year review.

     Yesterday I went for a laser appointment. It was my first appointment since March! I've been needing to go for a few months now but each month I put it off because I couldn't exactly afford it. Truth be told, I only need to put 30 quid away each month and I'd be able to go every 3 months. I just forget though and so when I do need it done I struggle to take the £100 hit in one go. I had questioned whether it was actually working as the progress did seem slow. This 6 months has actually confirmed that it is working. I still have to go over with an electric but not as much as I once did. It's also covered easily with make-up. It's manageable I guess.

     After my laser I popped into the Salon next door and had my eyebrows done. This is something else I tend to neglect. I don't neglect them as much as I once did. I go over with my tweezers once a week but the shape had gone out of them. It's amazing how something relatively small like getting your eyebrows waxed can make you feel so good. It gives you that bit more confidence and makes you feel that bit more a girl.

     I feel like a girl more and more each day. This whole being a girl thing is pretty normal to me these days. It is strange though because my old life is still in there but it doesn't feel like me. It is as though I have someone else's memories in a way. I do slip now and again though and I do feel a bit stupid. Speaking is one of the main things and I need to be abit more adventurous with make-up. I have a mixed relationship with make-up. I don't really like wearing foundation but I love the other bits. I love eyeshadow and always wear it as a part of my make-up routine. I also love Lipgloss and hardly ever do lipstick. Im going to start practising abit with eyeliner I think. Eyeliner is the one thing I've never got to grips with. I always find I poke my eye out or I put on too much, too far away from my eyelid. I appreciate how it can bring your eyes out though and my eyes are one of my better features. I'll give it a go, see what happens lol.

22 Weeks To Go

In 22 weeks time I'll be in recovery after undergoing GRS. It sounds crazy each time I type it. I guess that it's still not completely real yet, won't be for a while yet. I think that it'll start to become real when I finish work. I'm planning on finishing on the Thursday before I go into Hospital on the Monday. That'll give me Friday, Saturday and Sunday to get stuff sorted. It'll also give me a 'nice' weekend off before the surgery. As well as it only being 22 weeks, on Friday it'll only be 150 days which is kinda crazy. Time seems to be going so fast, not that I'm complaining. It is really flying by!

     It's payday on Friday which means that I'm going to invest in some more supplies. Gotta save up for Christmas and I'm desperate for some laser so I can't afford much. 

     On the whole, not a lot else has happened this week. Oh, apart from my car being recalled. I got a letter from Chevrolet this morning telling me that I need to take it to my local Chevrolet dealer. Apparently there might be a problem with the brakes. I wouldn't mind but I've been driving it around for a year and a half! Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with it otherwise I'd have noticed. It won't hurt to get it checked out though with something like the brakes it's best to be sure.

Juliet And Me: Part 1

On the 2nd June 2010 Juliet Jacques began writing a series of columns for The Guardian newspaper. These articles have charted her transition (in much the same way that this blog has charted mine) and I've found them particularly fascinating. I can relate to them and to her journey. She's currently recovering after having her surgery a couple of months ago. I thought it might be a cool idea to 'review' her articles on this blog and compare her experiences with my own.

     I'm going to start at the beginning and her first article entitled 'A Transgender Journey: Part 1'. You can read the article HERE, it really is worth a look.

     'I decided my name should be Juliet when I was 10. It took a further 17 years to let it rise from the back of my mind, where I had swiftly buried it, and become my identity'

I had a few names in mind when I first began exploring my feminine side. Jennifer was one I used for a while as was Victoria. Emma had been a name I first used and in the end it's the name I stuck with. I always liked it for some reason. I think it might come from a girl I used to really like many years ago, when I was still young. My family think it comes from Baby Spice (I used to be a mad Spice Girls fan) and maybe sub consciously that did play a part. 

 'I knew I was "different" as a child. My first indication of how came at primary school, when a friend said: "We've got to make you more masculine."'

I knew I was different from a very young age and like Juliet, I didn't know how. I knew I wanted to be a girl but, for a time at least, I thought that that was how all boys felt. Who wouldn't want to wear pretty dresses and have long hair?

 'I didn't consider myself predominantly masculine or feminine: I liked violent toys (particularly Transformers - the irony had not yet become apparent) AND fluffy kittens.'

I loved my action figures as a child. I had He-Man then I had the Ninja Turtle figures. I even had some wrestling figures. By the same token, I loved playing with my sisters barbie and cindy dolls. 

'Putting on a dress, I was floored by a surge of energy. Momentarily, I felt completely at ease: then total confusion. Why was I turned on? Was I a "transvestite"? Did I want a "sex change"? Then fear: what if my family caught me? What if my classmates found out? Nobody must ever know, I told myself, cross-dressing behind closed curtains, panicking when my parents' car pulled up the drive before I'd covered my tracks.'

I can relate to this paragraph so much. The first time I consciously dressed in girls clothes I felt free, I felt kind of liberated. I felt confusion because it felt so right and if anything it compounded my own confusions over my gender. I'll admit that I didn't know what a transvestite was at this stage. The only reference I had to people cross-dressing were the likes of Lily Savage and Dame Edna and I certainly didn't classify myself in that group. I did feel turned on a little though, but then again I was a teenage boy and my hormones were raging. 

'The Internet was a godsend: at last, I found men who dressed as, or had become, women.' 

I can remember when I first gained access to the Internet. I was a little slow in joining the Internet revolution and didn't get my first lap top until I was 21. I had left home at this point and moved up to Widnes for work. I had begun to explore my gender issues more and the Internet only helped in this. It helped me understand many things although at this point I refused to believe that I would ever transition. That was what other people did.

'Instead, I finally admitted to myself that I must fit somewhere on the daunting, ill-defined CD/TV/TS spectrum. But where?'

At first I classed myself as a transvestite, then (because I hated the term transvestite) I classed myself as T-Girl. I thought that I was simply content with dressing behind closed doors and I was for a while. It fitted in with my life. By day I was a man and I liked doing manly things. I like a pint of bitter and I liked talking about man things. By night, when I was alone, I was Emma and I liked a glass of wine with a chick flick. It worked for me but then it became harder and harder to wipe that make-up off at the end of the night and eventually I realised I was something more.

I'll Be Douching Before You Know It!

So, in 23 weeks, possibly in an hour or two, I'll be heading down to the operating theartre for my surgery. The time is going really fast, or t least it seems to be. I think that the pattern of my week has something to do with it. I'm off Mondays and Tuesdays so they go quick. Wednesdays and Thursdays are quiet days at work so they seem to fly by. When I get to Friday I have the fact that I only have two days until Sunday which is only a half day at work. Then I'm back to Monday again and celebrating another week knocked off! At the moment it is all about knocking the days off and to a certain extent I am wishing my life away. At times, March the 25th seems so far away that it does get me down a bit. To think that I turned down the 25th of November! I would've been stoping hormones today. In preparation for the op you have to stop taking the hormones 6 weeks prior. This is to prevent blood clots. I'm not exactly looking forward to stoping the hormones as some have reported decrease in breast size, increase in body hair and mood swings. It is an important part of the process though and kind of signals in the final 6 weeks.

I have my reasons for waiting until March, I've already gone over them in this blog. It will still get to me though, especially over the coming weeks. March is the right time for a number of reasons. Financially I'll be better equipped to handle having my wages cut by 3/4's due to sick pay. Physically I should be fitter and (hopefully) a little thinner. I'll be better prepared in terms of physical things I'll need and I'll be better prepared psychologically.

Talking about the physical things I'll need, I've brought my douching kit. Once I've had the

op, I'll be required to douch. Despite the fact that my vagina should look like the real thing, it'll have one or two differences. Firstly, it won't be self lubricating and secondly, it won't be self-cleaning. Due to the nature of the op and the risk of infection, hygiene is going to be a huge part of my life. I'll have to douch every day and so the douching kit (along with the dilating kit the hospital will give me) will become a major part of my life. Talking about dilating, in the first 6-8 weeks I believe, I'll have to dilate 3 times a day! Dilating will consist of 10 minutes with a small dilator before a 20 minute session with the larger one. If you conbine that with the post-dilation cleanup, you're talking about 3+ hours a day! It's not something I'm dreading, It'll give me a purpose during the 3 month layoff after the op. I feel kinda stupid for thinking about this kind of stuff at this stage. But then I want to be as prepared as I can be so maybe it's not so stupid.

I actually did a spot of online shopping last night. I sometimes use a site called everything5pounds.com. It's essentially an online version of Primark but for a girl with a low budget it's quite a cool site. They do do a lot of tat but (like Primark) there are one or two hidden gems. Well, last night I shopped with half a mind on my 'leaving hospital' outfit. I only spent £15 on a dress, a top and a cardigan. One of the tips I've had is that you should wear something loose and comfortable when you leave hospital and so I thought a dress with a pair of loose fitting leggings. If I had a car journey home then a pair of jogging bottoms and a baggy t-shirt would have probably been best. As it is, I'll have a taxi ride through London, then a 3 hour train ride home so I need to look presentable. It's funny how you have to think about things like this, it seems like the smallest matters. I do think that one things for certain. I'll never have been as prepared for anything in my life as much as I'll be prepared for this!

It's Not Gonna Be Pretty, Not At First Anyway

     When I got my date for the op I made a decision to post on this blog once a week, on the Monday. I thought it would be cool to start each post by mentioning how many weeks it was until the big day. The trouble is that I've got so much going around in my head that it's proved impossible for me to wait until next Monday to post. This Blog has always been a sounding board for myself. It's been a way for me to let stuff out, settle my mind. It has evolved into more than that over the years, but first and foremost it's an ear for me. So here I am, posting again :-)

     When me and Sam get together we talk about the little victories. These are really important when you first start transitioning but as you find your feet and your new life becomes the norm, the little victories become rarer. This isn't a bad thing, it's proof that you've successfully transitioned. Yesterday I had a little victory. Me and my dad went shopping. It was just for groceries at Asda but afterwards we popped over the road for a quick drink. I do enjoy a good relationship with my Dad these days. It was so hard for him when I first 'came out' and when I first went full-time. It still is hard for him sometimes. We do enjoy a really good relationship though. Yesterday was the first time I felt we had reached a point we were at before I 'came out' though. We sat in the pub with our drinks and talked about stuff, normal stuff like the telly and James Bond. It was so nice and it did feel like we had gone back 5 years. 

     I've been on a bit of a research binge lately. It reminds me so much of a period in my life around 9 years ago. I had just gotten access to the Internet with the purchase of a laptop. This coincided with my leaving home and so I'd really begun to explore my gender and who I was. I used to spend hours scouring the Internet trying to figure out things, trying to find other people like me. Now, I'm doing the same thing again only now it's for info about the op and about the recovery. It has certainly been eye opening. Its gotten me more nervous about the whole thing really. I've heard stories about infection and about corrective procedures. I've heard more bad stories than good ones if I'm going to be honest. I've heard how painful dilation can be, how tired even the shortest walk makes you. I've heard about sleepless nights and about aches and pains. I've also heard about how good it gets and about the joy at wearing underwear that fits. I've heard about bikini shopping and about trips to the swimming baths. I've heard about how free you become. I'm going to be nervous and I'm going to be anxious. I've got another 5 months of those feelings ahead of me. Ultimately this is a huge surgical procedure I've got coming and I honestly can not wait to be healed. It will just take a lot of time, a lot of patience and a certain amount of pain. 

Roll On The New Year

So, just 24 weeks to go until my op. It's not as long as it sounds. Time is going really fast, this last week has literally flown by. I think that once Christmas is out of the way with it will soon be time. I have a week holiday just after the new year (enforced due to the restaurant shutting for a week) then on the 11th February I stop taking hormones. Just a week later and I'm off to London for my pre-surgical appointments. I doubt I'll get alot of sightseeing in this time as I'm due at CHX for 13:00pm and I'm guessing I'll be there until gone 16:00pm. I might do a bit beforehand. I still want to see Big Ben and I want to have a browse down Oxford Street. Anyway, just 4 weeks after that appointment and it's my 31st birthday and the following week I'm going for the op.

I think that at the moment I'm just knocking off the days.Nothing much is happening, I'm just living my life much as I have done for the past 2 years. After Christmas, when things really start happening, it will really fly by.

Having this target, this thing to look forward to, does give me focus though. I smile when I look at the countdown App I have on my Ipad and Iphone. It's all about knocking off the days and I smiled the other day when I got past the 170 day mark and into the 160's. I expect I'll smile again in a weeks time when I hit the 150's. I am literally counting down the hours though, 4029 at the current count. It may seem like I'm wishing my life away and in many respects I am. If someone came to me and said that they could put me to sleep and I'd wake up after Christmas, I'd do it like a shot.

In other news I had an appointment with the GIC this morning. This time, since I'd been referred to CHX for surgery, it was done via phone. It was very straight forward and he was pleased I'd gotten a surgery date so quickly. I have an appointment with him after the op when my medication may be adjusted and when Im going to sort out my GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate). After that I should be discharged from the GIC which is kinda scary. It's been a part of my life for nearly 3 years and so I'm going to miss it in a strange kind of way.

After my phone call I met up with Samantha for lunch in Nottingham. We went to Soulville Steakhouse on Queen Street, just up from the Brian Clough statue. I had a 6oz Rump Steak with a side of Onion Rings followed by Chocolate Fudge Cake. The Steak was spot on, perfectly cooked to my medium-rare preference. I did say to Sam though that if a Steakhouse can't cook Steak then you're in trouble. I thought it was nicer than Hooters where we went last month. It was nice to catch up with Samantha as we are both of a similar age and at a simlar stage in our journey. She does lead an interesting life through her work and I enjoy hearing her stories.

On a last note, I began stocking up for my op the other day. I've got a big plastic box as storage and I've got some nappy sacks, baby wipes, ear plugs (for the hospital stay) and a fold up mirror (to help with dilating). It's not much but it's a start. I'm determined to be as prepared as possible

The Only Thing On My Mind

25 weeks today, possibly around this very moment, I'll be in surgery. Im getting admitted to Charing Cross at 11:00am on the 25th March and I'll be having my op later that day. I kinda expected to have a night in hospital first, I'm not sure why. Maybe it's from reading other people's accounts, I don't know. It just seems a bit rushed I suppose. On the letter it says that I'll need to stop eating by 9am and stop drinking by 11am. So I'll be 'nil by mouth' before I'm even admitted! On the plus side, at least I'll not have time to think about it and should be pretty busy right up until the op. I am nervous about it, really nervous. I'm not having second thoughts or anything, just nerves. I last had an operation when I was young. I'm not sure what it was for, I think it may have been something to do with my ears. I can remember staying in hospital though and the excitement of it all. I can remember this one night, I woke up neededing the loo. I was so scared about being caught out of bed that I sneaked my way down the corridor. It was like a scene from Mission Impossible! Apart from that, my experience of being put under anaesthetic is extremely limited. I think that that is the thing I'm most nervous about, being put to sleep. All kinds of things cross your mind don't they like what if it doesnt work and I don't get put to sleep. What if I wake up half way through. What if I don't wake up at all! I know that these concerns are stupid because these doctors know exactly what they are doing.

     The op is pretty much dominating my thoughts at the moment. I'll find myself thinking about it whenever I have quiet moment in work. Its strange knowing that I'll be off work for 12 weeks. I've never been off work for that long before! I actually had a look the other day, just to see if I'll be off for any major holidays. I'm in hospital for Easter weekend and should be due to be discharged on either Easter Monday or the Tuesday. I'm also off or Fathers Day as well as the May Bank Holidays.