HRT Changes, Unexpected

When I began taking hormones back on the 10th August 2010 (amazing how certain dates stick in the mind), I knew all about the physical effects I could expect. I knew that I'd develop breasts and that my skin would soften. I knew that my hair would grow thicker and that my features would soften. I was also aware that my bodily fats would be re-distributed to give me a more feminine figure. I also knew of the various side effects I could experience and I was aware of what would happen were I to stop taking the tablets. The thing that I didn't know much about was the personality changing effects I could experience.

     One of the main personality changes has been my approach to football. There was a time when I loved the sport. I would live by the Saturday afternoon results and the results of the Manchester United games would effect me for days. I actually cried when they won the European Cup in 2008! I would spend hours playing Football Manager and used to love the Fifa games on the PS3. I was also an avid Fantasy Football participant. These days though the game passes me by. I couldn't tell you the top 4 in the current league table and I don't even know the score in Manchester United's last game. I'm just not interested in football anymore, instead gaining a mild addiction to the soaps. Some people would put this down to my true personality coming through. I don't have to live in that male world anymore so I don't have to pretend anymore. I can be honest and admit that I did a lot to fit into the male stereotype. I listened to certain music and watched certain films. I read the Sun (even pausing on Page 3) and drunk bitter. I 'fooled' a lot of people. I did genuinely love football though and I count that as a true example of personality change due to HRT. Another example could be as regards to my sexuality. 

    My sexuality has always been a bit up in the air shall we say. I was never gay and would never have gone with a man in my previous form. For the past 8 or 9 years though I've classed myself as bi-sexual. I guess that it was the easy middle ground. I had enough on my plate as regards my gender issues, I didn't need to sort out my sexuality as well. I did have relationships with girls, a few physical. I still have fond memories of a few of those times in that it was the closeness I enjoyed. I enjoyed the cuddles and kissing in bed and just found the actual sex really awkward. It never felt quite right to be doing it in that way, it just felt plain wrong. Of course now I know why and when I look back it all seems rather obvious. I was playing a part that wasn't written for me.

     These days I'm quickly starting to figure out my sexuality and now I'm kinda starting to see myself as a straight girl. I'm pretty sure that I see myself with a boyfriend in the future rather than a girlfriend and I would love to get married one day. I do find women attractive but it's more of an admiration than actual physical lust. I do think that this shift in my sexuality is down (at least in part) to the HRT as I've heard about this kind of thing before. It is definitely a good thing though that I'm sorting out the rather big issue of sexuality. 

A Catch Up With Friends

Yesterday I popped over to Nottingham to pay a visit to the Nottingham Chameleons. I've mentioned Chameleons a few times but for those who don't know, Chameleons is a trans support group based just off junction 26 in Nottingham. It's one of the oldest groups in the country I believe. It's base purpose is as a means for support from like minded people. It's at a safe venue which makes it ideal for those venturing out for the first time. It's also a group which has really began moving with the times. I went a few years ago (about a year before I went full-time) and it was nice. The thing that struck me though was that it seemed to mainly be attended by middle aged transvestites/cross dressers and at 27 years old I guess it maybe wasn't my thing. These days though it seems to be attended by a more diverse group of people. Although I'm still one of the youngest, there's a wide range of people right across the gender spectrum. Some of it's members have even began venturing to the pub afterwards which is great. It's all well and good meeting in a community centre but that doesn't beat going out in public. I'm full-time so I'm out in public all the time but for a fledling cross-dresser, going to the pub is a huge undertaking but something that kinda has to be done. It's almost like the last great barrier and once you've crossed it you really never look back. For some, dressing behind closed doors is enough but I'm of the personal view that the only way that being trans is ever going to become the true norm is if the trans community makes it's self known.

     Anyway, so off I went into Nottingham. I've made a bit of a compromise in that I'm not going to involve myself too much with the scene. I'll still support the monthly Nottingham Invasion and I'll still attend Chams when I can. Attending Chams is good though as I can now go as a supporting member. Last night I caught up with a lady who I've met a few times there. She's due to start her RLE in a few weeks time and is actually attending the Notts GIC. It was great for me to offer my experience and advice and I hope that she will benefit from that. I do think that that is where my immediate future regarding the community lies. I have a true experience of how to transition successfully and it's important that I can help others to transition. There are also a few others who are in the initial assessment part of the diagnosing process at Notts GIC and I'm actually quite enjoying offering my advice to them.

     After the Chams meeting a few of us (well 4 of us to be exact) popped over to The New Forresters in Nottingham town center. It was reasonably busy but we still found a comfy spot to sit. A gay guy came over at one point and started asking questions. He aimed them mostly at Lynn (of YATGB (Yet Another T-Girl Blog fame) and Maddy, thankfully leaving me alone. He did actually take me for a natal woman which definitely did the ego a service. To be fair though, I do pass really well (18 months on hormones have definitely helped) so it's a rare thing for me to be 'read' anyway. One question that he did ask Lynn and Maddy was regarding whether they've had or were planning to have the op. Should it really matter what's between our legs? Is that the basis for society to exist? In all fairness he was very drunk so I guess that you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. He did remark that I looked very pretty so he was alright in my book at least (I refer to the fact he was drunk though lol).

     This is the 2nd trans thing I've attended since I had the problems regarding where I saw myself on things and it's kinda proved that I can still attend these things as a woman. For me it's about seeing friends first and foremost. I like to think that I've got a nice circle of friends now (people who I wouldn't have met were it not for the community). We don't judge each other and to me they are women. I remarked how surreal it was to see Tiff as a man after the Notts Invasion a week ago and even now I still she her as a woman. It's a really strange thing I know. The truth is though that these people are more feminine than a lot of the natal females you see on the street. It's great that we can chat about normal things. Me and Maddy had a great little chat about the upcoming super hero movies for example before the conversation moved onto 80's comedy (a little before my time I might like to add lol). That's what it should be about though, friends catching up and talking about normal things.

   

To Young To Be Diagnosed?

Recently a story broke about a little boy who's now being raised as a girl. Not only that but he's been diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria and is the youngest child in Britain to have received such a diagnosis. Now there are obviously a lot of ethical questions being asked, the main one being that he can't know what he wants at such a young age (5 I believe). I knew at 6 that I wanted to be a girl. I can still remember the dreams I had and the crying I did in the dead of night. I used to pray that I'd wake up as a girl, that I'd be allowed to wear pretty clothes and grow my hair. I knew at that young age what and who I really was. Now, at nearly 30 years old I'm living as a woman, developing as a woman and soon I'll be complete. I do think that it's perhaps a bit early to diagnose at that age but the child should be allowed to dress and behave how she feels and wants. She should be monitored closely and if she still feels that way at 10-11 years old then puberty should be postponed via injections. 

     I do think that there is a lot of fuss about nothing though. Just because she's been diagnosed doesn't mean much at the moment. She's still along way from any kind of surgery and if she is gender dysphoric then at least she won't have a ruined childhood. She'll be able to have a childhood that so many who transition only wish they had and that's surely not something that we should be looking to prevent. 

Who's On Candid Camera?

Taken New Years Eve '08

I went out around Nottingham last night, I'll post a proper post about it later. At one point in the night though a few 'bob' pictures came out and I tried to explain what I used to look like. When you consider what I look like now, that's no wonder really. I used to have a skin head and often went without shaving. I think that it was some kind of sub concious thing. Maybe I was trying to look more masculine than I felt to fit into the typical male role. I only own two photos of the old me. I think that it is important to remember where you came from and it does make you think when you do look at your old photos. When I get a bit depressed that the laser is perhaps not having the effect that I'd maybe expect it's good to remind myself that I once had the ability to grow a forest on my chin. Another thing is the hair. I love having long hair, despite the extra maintenence. I love waking up in the morning and having long hair and I really can't get my head around why some girls choose to chop it off.

My earliest 'dressing picture.

     As well as 'bob' pics, the conversation drifted onto early dressing pictures. I honestly thought I'd gotten rid of my early pictures but I hadn't. I look a state, in a word. I didn't actually discover foundation until I'd been dressing for a while so I have a bad case of blue beard on a lot of the photos. This picture to the right was actually taken 9 years ago nearly. I was living up in Widnes and the new found freedom meant that I could really indulge in my dressing. I guess that this is when it really all started becoming real. It was this time that I actually discovered the internet and the support sites.

My first Night Out March '08

Me now taken just 4 weeks ago.

     In March 2008 I had my first night out as Emma on Canal Street in Manchester. It was the turning point in things I guess. I'll never forget how depressed I felt the next day while walking to the trainstation. I'm still quite far from my present appearence in the pic to the left although I think that it shows signs of the woman I am today. That brings us onto my most recent pic to the right. When you consider the 'bob' pics esspecially, the change is pretty phenominal and I am really happy with it. There are still the odd things that I need to work on but I do think that I look pretty good these days and that being a girl suits me a lot more than being a boy ever did.

Moving On, The Movie

In my last post I posted the 1st video in a thing I did last Saturday. Well basically I sat down in front of my camera to record a quick Vlog post. I've already done a few videos although my last one hasn't been for a while. Anyway the quick video turned into a 2 hour long recording. I really poured my heart out and in all truthfulness it's done me a lot of good. Everyone needs someone or something to talk to sometimes. I think that the advantage of talking to a camera rather than a person is that you can edit out what you don't want people to hear. I did actually make a point of being very careful with my editing. I didn't want to get rid of two much because what would have been the point of that.

     In conclusion I now feel a bit better about things. I've reached a compromise as far as the transgender thing goes, for the time being at least. I've also had a lot of positive comments on Facebook from many who I knew before I transitioned. I guess that the person I am in work and in public is different to the person I was on Saturday. I hope that the videos have educated them a bit. I think that it's important to realise the things that people going through the transition process have to experience and battle against.

     Anyway, below is the complete 'Moving On' in order.

A Compromising Clear Out

Yesterday I sat down in front of my camera. The intention was to film a short update for my you tube channel. Two hours later I stopped talking. It has done me the world of good, just to talk to something. I really needed to open my heart up and just let everything out.

     I've also come to a bit of a compromise in terms of how I see myself. I still see myself as a woman and I think that that should be expected. I've had a few comments from people on the forums (I have left but it doesn't hurt to keep a bit of an eye) and I've been upset by a few. I've wanted to be a girl for all of my life and I surely shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed because I want to be seen as one by the great British public. The community is a good thing and these support sites are a good thing if you feel you need them. Recently I've found myself even looking down on a few posters and that isn't a good thing. I think that once you start to think like that, it's time to take a time out. It's time to disappear for a while and take stock.

     I need to remove the unhealthy parts of my life, the parts that make me feel dirty. I've decided to leave the support sites for the reason I gave above (they in no way made me feel dirty). I am a member of a couple of other sites though, namely TvChix and Birchplace. I joined them when I was still a part-time dresser but nowadays they just make me feel dirty. I'd pop onto the chat rooms to see if any of my friends are there and I'd get chat requests from fifty year old men and I'd just think 'seriously? You are living in cloud cuckoo land mate!'. Of course my visits to these sites has decreased a lot and now I think that I need them out of my life.

     I've also started having a bit of a Facebook clean out. If I've removed you then I am sorry, seriously no offense. There are a lot of people whom I've never met and whom I'm likely never to meet. I'm hopping to cut my friends list by a quarter (never thought I'd ever be in a position to get rid of friends lol). I think that it's just part of moving on. It may seem like I'm getting rid of everything trans in my life and that is wrong. The compromise I mentioned is that I'm just cutting the trans part of things down a bit. I'm trimming it before it becomes overgrown, allowing the flower to blossom. There are some Facebook friends who I have no intention of deleting and I will still continue to support the East Midlands Premier Trans Night Out, Nottingham Invasion.

     On Angels I've had a few replies saying that I could still offer support and advice. My door remains open on that score. I think that these blogs should be a great source of support for some people and that these more recent posts tell of a struggle that some will no doubt experience. I really do hope though that these recent posts can be seen for what they really are about and that people can kinda see my points.

     As I mentioned at the start of this post, I've done a video. It ended up at two hours long so I'm currently editing it down to ten minute segments, the first of which is below.

Moving On

I read a blog post tonight that's really made me think. It's struck a real chord with how I've been feeling recently. It's by a lady called Lisa. She attended the Nottingham GIC and is a few months ahead of me. She says that she's heading off to Thailand in June for the op and I'll certainly be thinking of her. One thing she did focus on in her post is moving on and the future

. 'In truth the need I once had to search for answers and find my path has disappeared now I am on the right path for me.'

and...

 'Whenever I read of a friend moving on in the past I had many feelings come over me. They were of loss, confusion and also I guess a bit of jealousy that they were in fact moving forward.

Now I understand why they did move on.'

are two excerpts that I can relate to a lot. I actually commented that once we accept our past we can embrace the future. I really feel that moving on is something I need to do now and it's something that I'm ready for. That's not to say that I'm going to stop blogging, because I do still enjoy it. I do think that it's maybe a good idea to remove myself from the support forums though. In truth it's something I've been thinking of doing for a while. Certain things about them have started to annoy me and certain posters are people I maybe don't need in my life. That's not to say that they haven't been a great source of help for me. In fact I would advise any young person struggling with gender issues to log onto these sites...

The Angels Forum and
Roses Forum

Both have been so good for me and such help when I felt like the loneliest person in the world.

I guess that the straw that's broken the camels back is a poster on Angels who chose to quote parts of a recent post (Not On My Doorstep). She chose to highlight a few remarks I made about not wanting to group myself with the attendees. Looking back I think it was perhaps wrong for me to say this but it's a part of something extremely emotional that I was experiencing. She of course completely disregarded all of the other more positive parts of the post I made. She completely disregarded the comments I made regarding my deep guilt at what I was feeling and the inner turmoil I was enduring. On a support site I expect a bit more support. Of course, this latest thing was just one small flake on a vast snowball that had been rolling down a hill for sometime.

     I do hope that these recent posts haven't offended anyone and that they are seen for what they are. This blog is essentially my support. I've written so much personal stuff on this and the 1st volume of my blog. I've often written down stuff before I've even told my family. It still remains a very important part of my life and I'm sure that it'll play a very big part in my life over the coming year. I guess that this 'moving on' period is the next logical stage in 'the not so secret life of emma'.